[kretzklan]

The following are the thoughts I wrote down about our upcoming BIG day. I try to keep a written account of what is happening. If you like to only read the good stuff...well, this may not be for you. But, I would love for anyone to read that wants to hear my family's truth!

Things I knew back then, but just learned now
My family has been complete for three years. Cole and Delaney have been home from Kemerovo for that long and we have all five settled into what looks to be a normal family routine. However, there is so much that we’ve learned and so far we’ve yet to come. My two youngest children suffer from attachment disorder and I’m on that boat with them. It didn’t go as planned. Here are a few things that I feel I can tell others with certainty.
*Children who were neglected or abused will NOT be grateful for a family. They learned in their early life what their role is in this type of unit. They will continue to fulfill that role until they have healed. That can take a long time. It’s not just a by-product of love and good parenting…it’s HARD work from both sides. My children believe that they are supposed to be hurt by adults. They believe that if they aren’t being hurt than something is wrong and they will find a way to get in trouble. They are often looking for physical punishment and when that doesn’t come, the consequence never feels right to them. Therefore, they don’t learn as other children do. As for the gratefulness – well, I knew not to expect it. Not even biological children have a great sense of thankfulness for the good things they have (although you can work hard to teach it and often it can be learned) – but a child that doesn’t believe they are lovable will not care about love, safety, warm beds, clean clothes. All those things that I remember thinking “oh my gosh, we can do so much better for them”…
*A child can make a parent look, feel and seem crazy. I know that I spent a good majority of these three years wondering what I was doing wrong. Why the techniques that I felt so good about with our oldest son weren’t working. Why did my children treat others with respect and kindness, yet come home and be so angry with me that they would physically, emotionally and socially act out? I looked like an angry woman/mother on the outside. I know that people thought I was losing my mind. I thought so too for a long time. No one can understand and therefore I closed myself in. I blamed myself – since I didn’t attach right away – it was all my fault. I have learned that I’m not crazy. I didn’t do the things to them that have created what we are dealing with now.
*Faking it can be hard. I heard it a million times – fake it until you make it – and it’s a true thing to try to do. However, with an attachment disordered child, it is hard to do. I fail sometimes. I care for them deeply. I wouldn’t want them to be hurt or cold or hungry. However, there is wall that builds up and it’s harder to knock down then many can imagine. I feel like I find a way to take out a few bricks some days. But, the wall looms on in so many ways.
*Raising my children can take away from other relationships. My oldest son has suffered – not physically – but emotionally. He’s lost me at some points in these three years. I haven’t been able to do things for him/with him that I needed to do. My husband and I have lost some of our contact. We only talk about the children and what we can do to heal them. The daily report of what has happened is often long and arduous. It starts to feel like business transactions instead of loving conversations.

Now that anyone who is reading this is depressed and wondering why I would be sharing this as my three year Family Day approaches…well…here’s the good part.

They ARE healing. It’s slow and hard and long and painful for all of us. I have received hugs and apologies that weren’t motivated by their manipulation. I have spoken out and reached out and gotten help. I have educators on my team, I have therapists on my team, and mostly, I have my husband on my team. I have stopped feeling guilty a good chunk of the time. The number one rule that an attachment therapist will tell you is to take care of yourself. I’m no good to my children when I get so stressed and sad. I’m still not good at this…but I’m open to learning and I really am learning a lot.

My children are happy more than they are sad and angry. We really have turned that corner. I can hear them laugh and know that what we are doing is working. I can feel the warmth of their bodies when THEY hug ME. For a long time that didn’t happen at all. They have ambitions and hopes and dreams that go beyond tomorrow. They talk about being with us for graduations and weddings and babies. They spend time believing they will still be here for all those things. I can discipline without all the emotional turmoil that try to create. They are very painfully learning that a safe parent is one that will discipline them in a calm manner and help them learn to take responsibility for their own actions. I am raising adults who just aren’t there yet. I must take it upon myself to create in them what I know they’ll want to be.

They get good grades and they are proud of that. They are active and healthy in body. They tell jokes and tell me about their day. We have come so far in the last three years, three months, three weeks, three days, three hours…every minute is another chance to create safety in their world. We will show them what a family is and what it means to be part of one.

I know that there are some who will still think that I am dreaming of rainbows when there may be nothing but storms ahead. However, I must believe in the good that can come, the moments of normalcy that I want them to have. We aren’t stopping in this journey. In many ways it is just beginning. I will continue to advocate for older child adoption, I will continue to wave the banner that my kids are good and will become whole again.

The last thing I’ve learned is that sometimes you cry tears of sadness, but they are often followed by tears of joy. Maybe not in that moment, but the other side of the coin always shows up. I wake up each morning and pray that my family finds the shiny side of the coin.

[Jensboys]

You have come so far. You ALL have come so far. Be proud. 3 years was a HUGE turning point for us. HUGE. Cannot be understated. Everything before that point is a blur, everything after - so much better.

[mcanvasback]

Hugs to you. Kretz. Thanks for posting from your heart.

[mommyto4]

Thank you Kretz for sharing your hearfelt journey. Others can relate and learn from your story. It is often easy to post the good stuff, but difficult to post the the not so good. What a turning point for you and your wonderful family. May God bless you and your family in the days and years ahead.

[MustangLippy]

Kretz, three years! What a great milestone. And how far they have come. We're coming up to three years also and things are starting to fall into place (I hope). Things are feeling better. Hope that is the same for you too.

Angela

[votemom]

i can't wait to follow along your journey for the next three years. thanks too for all the encouragement you give to the rest of us.

[amyfk]

Kretz, I give you a lot of credit for posting the good and the not so good. A lot of folks woudlnt do that. I want to congratulate you and your family on your 3 year anniversary and on more healing in the future.
Amy K, NJ

[GCS]

Congrats on your 3 year anniversary! What a wonderful milestone! Thanks for sharing and for being so candid!

Your family has come so far and you should all be proud of your hard work paying off!

[kahoxworth]

Thank you so much for this post! We are another family who has not had a rosy outcome...yet. This Friday will mark our one year anniversary of the day we became a family, and I've been thinking a lot lately about how we seem to have outlasted the "cushion" that our family and friends allowed us to adjust.

For anyone not in this experience (and by "in", I mean the adoptive family themselves...no matter how much support extended family and friends want to give, there really is no way for them to understand), I think the feeling is that after the initial adjustment, everything should fall into place and that's that. That simply isn't the case, and it's very difficult to keep working day after day, month after month when everyone around you starts to act like it must be YOUR fault that things haven't turned out perfectly yet. I can't express how reassuring it is to hear such similar experiences from other parents, and to know that I'm not just a bad parent!

Thank you!!

[Jessi_76]

Absolutely beautiful and touching account of your first three years...with so many more to come! There will be struggles, but you are right...in the end, the joy will overshadow. It's hard work, but when they are grown, they will know your love and your dedication to them and there will be no more precious gift.

Thank you for sharing!

xoxoxoxo

[angelkisses0102]

Thank you for sharing your story...the brutal honesty is truly touching. You will get to where you want to be...it won't be easy...but you will.

Here's to the shiny side of the coin! Congrats on your three years!

ETA~
At three years in...we weren't there yet either...but we are at 4.5 years and we are there...and it was worth the wait and struggles! ANd we are in no way 'normal!' LOL...but we are us and we are happy and just take life one day at a time. Hang in there!

[Pinkie]

Originally Posted by kretzklan

I wake up each morning and pray that my family finds the shiny side of the coin.[/size][/font]

AMEN to that Kretz. I hope your family does find the shiny side of the coin. A heart felt thank you for posting this.

[crick]

Thanks for sharing Kretz! I think you've got more shiny sides than you know, and you'll find them if you keep looking. Doesn't mean the other sides won't show up too, just means you'll have less of them after a time.

Hang in there...you are doing great!

[coachmom]

thank you for sharing that.. It must have been really hard for you.. I dont know so I cant identify..I may find that I will have some of the same things happen wehn we bring our son home and it is helpful to know there are others who have walked that path. I really wanted to reach out and hug you but instead I am sending a cyber one..
You sound like you are staying the course and that is great.. dont give up...
Coachmom

[Provost21]

Thanks for sharing... we are coming up to 3 years this April and we are not on the shiny side of the coin yet either. I agree, having DH on board and everyone working together is a big step.
I loved your statement about the faking it can be hard. I completely agree and feel as though there are days I need to do a better job. It is tough! I will remember your line of "one brick at a time". That makes a lot of sense, the wall wont come down in one day.
We also have a older son who I feel guilty about taking so much time away from him because of Nates struggles. It is very difficult but we try to do alone time just one on one and this time makes me feel so much better. I know you said you guys do that as well.
Thanks for posting- hugs to you.