[shannobananno]

Has anyone here adopted a school-aged child from Russia? I am beginning to ponder the idea of adopting two school-aged children. I am familiar with the domestic process for doing so. The problem is that the only school-aged children in the US available for adoption are those who have the most severe psychological problems. I would assume that children who have spent most of their lives in an orphanage are going to have some degree of problems. However I am wondering if, because the circumstances are somewhat different, whether the problems might be less severe for this age group of children in Russia. Does anybody know? Thanks!!

Btw, DH speaks Russian fluently and used to live there so don't need to worry about langauge/cultural barriers as much.

[beckyww]

We adopted Guanna-to-be-Julia, then age 6, in May, 2006. It's worked out very well. Usual bumps in the road, but we considered her attached after about 18 months. You are welcome to look at my blog - The Woodworth Family in Beautiful San Antonio TX - use the calendar to scroll back to 2/06 (first trip) and 5/06 (second trip.)

She's in 2nd grade now. She's right in the middle, scholastically. Not advanced, but not behind, except a bit in language. Math is easy for her. Whips through it. Reading is harder. Writing is laborous. Some of that is temperment, but some is also "only home two years."

We spoke no Russian. We took cheat sheets w/us to Russia to scrape by there, and I kept them scattered about the house for a couple of weeks after we got home. Then I threw them away. Reality is that she had to learn to speak English because our existing family of five wasn't learning Russian. And she did. She still has an accent - no biggie.

She has a few health problems - we knew that when we got her. I had no experience w/asthma but have learned a lot. Her problems - other than asthma - are no more severe than my other girls' blips.

I expect the teen years to be a roller coaster of "hate Russia - love Russia - hate America - love America - hate my birth mom - hate you - love my birth mom - love you" ---- but - I have three older daughters, and this place is a cesspool of hormones anyway.

I can't imagine life w/o her now. She's a treasure.

Becky
The Woodworth Family in Beautiful San Antonio TX

[votemom]

"cesspool of hormones" - haha. too funny. i had a girl first time around, then enjoyed the relative ease of my boys. now i'm going to have two pubescent girls while i'm in the throes of menopause. joy.

[kretzklan]

We adopted Cole and Delaney at the ages of 7 and 6 respectively. Cole had been attending school through his orphanage for just a short while (they don't start until they are 7) and Delaney had not had any formal school although her orphanage group focusing extensively on school work. We put Cole in his age-appropriate grade (2nd) and we held Delaney back to start kindergarten. Now, three years later they are in 5th and 3rd grade and doing well. As Becky mentioned, some of what they struggle with is part of their temprement. Cole simply does not like school and learning. We had him fully tested and he is average on every test and does not qualify for any services...he just doesn't like to do it. He tested out of ESL after 1.5 school years. Delaney is a high achiever and she has the stress reactions to go with that personality trait. She needs a TON of reassurance all the time. She is still in ESL due to the writing piece...alot of that is that she hates to be the last one done and rushes through her writing work, therefore not doing it correctly!
I would say the bigger issue (for us) has been/still is attachment. We read all the books and practiced a loose form of attachment parenting for the first 9-12 months. However, with older children it's incredibly hard to "nest" and keep them home all the time. They have to go to school - they make friends there and want to play with those friends, they have normal activities. I'm not sorry that we allowed all this - it made them feel a sense of normalcy at a time when there was nothing the same for them. We spoke English exclusively from day one and some would tell you that the transition is much easier if done in that way. They will have to learn to speak English and it happened very quickly for us. They are incredibly physically healthy.
This is my heart - these children need and deserve a loving home. Just be sure to be prepared for all the things that can come. If you have specific questions, come and ask them - many of us have been down this road.

[shannobananno]

Do you mind my asking how much you spent, total, on the adoption? Thanks again.

[kretzklan]

We have an older son who traveled with us on both trips, we also had to take trip one during July - the most expensive time to travel. We spent $65,000 (maybe a bit more) including EVERYTHING.

[DET62]

If your husband speaks fluent Russian that will make it easier, but he will need to be home enough to be a primary caretaker. Can he take paternity or Family Leave? If you don't speak Russian and they are with you all day it won't work. It took my son about 3 months to speak enough English to not be incredibly frustrated all the time and he is very bright.

Cost will vary greatly. The 2nd agency I mentioned in my PM is a LOT LOT cheaper than the first.

After 4 years home with my two, I have come to learn that the most important thing you can do with an older child is find a really good therapist who is used to issues unique to older children. Take the children to the therapist as soon as they get home. If you can find one that's bilingual, that's the best. Our therapist is Russian and has worked with hundreds of adopted Russian kids over the years, so she's very skilled.

My children are really well behaved, good kids, but they were traumatized in their birth homes for years before they even got to the relative safety of the orphanages. My daughter was beaten repeatedly at the orphanage by the other kids. She has PTSD. My son was beaten by a gang of boys and left to die when he was 5, and lost his right hand to frostbite. I cannot begin to recount the horrors I have heard about from my kids. They really really need a therapist. So do MOST older adopted kids.

School will be an issue. Language will be an issue. Bonding will be an issue. With two it will be twice as hard. You CAN do it but it will be a lot of work.

Just be prepared. If you read my blog you will get a better idea of what it's like, day to day, with two.

Dee

[momto4boys]

I agree with Dee. You need to find a therapist before you bring your kids home.
We adopted two boys ages 13 and 10. They both suffered a lot of neglect and abuse and the older has post traumatic issues.
Both boys were VERY behind in school and we have since found out they both have FAS but with different "symptoms".
It is a lot of work and it is hard, but you can do it. At that age, culture will play a part in parenting and attachment.
Best of luck to you. You are welcome to PM me if you want any more information.

[sak9645]

The older a child is at the time of adoption, the more likely it is that he/she will have had negative life experiences, either in his/her birth family or in an orphanage/foster care setting or on the streets.

To some extent, it doesn't matter whether a child is in the U.S. or abroad. Birth families sometimes abuse or neglect children, or expose them to negative influences, in the U.S., as well as in Russia. And kids living in orphanages and foster care settings in the U.S., as well as Russia, can be abused by staff, foster parents, or other children, can develop "survival tactics" (hoarding food, stealing, bullying) that work well in those settings but not in families, and so on.

Unfortunately, because foreign orphanages tend to be less well funded than American sources of care for orphans, there is a somewhat greater chance of problems overseas. As an example, foreign orphanages may not have the funds to attract well-qualified applicants for staff positions, to screen them well to rule out people with a propensity to abuse, to train them appropriately, and to supervise them appropriately. And it is a little more likely that a person will become a foster caregiver mainly for the money, in a country where poverty is a grim fact of life.

The good news is that some kids are amazingly resilient. Some kids, even well into their school age years, do not seem to be seriously damaged by even very bad environments, whether those environments are in the U.S. or abroad. And the good news is also that there are some foster parents and even orphanage workers who truly love kids and try to nurture them appropriately, in every country of the world.

Your child will be a unique individual, whether he/she comes from the U.S. or overseas. He/she may well be one of those kids who emerges unscathed, or with only minor problems that time and love and plenty of food can overcome, even if he/she comes from an absolutely awful environment. On the other hand, he/she may be very seriously damaged emotionally, after being in a mildly suboptimal situation, and may require years of therapy, special parenting techniques, special schools, and so on.

And, of course, your child's birth family and institutional experiences may be anywhere from reasonably positive to absolutely hellish.

School aged children all over the world need families, but often have difficulty finding people willing to adopt them. Families for school aged boys are particularly difficult to find. I would certainly encourage people to consider adopting them -- whether from the U.S. or from overseas. But I would encourage them to do so ONLY if they are prepared for the significant challenges of parenting a child with negative or unknown life experiences. Prepare for the worst, and rejoice if the worst doesn't happen.

Before you adopt any school aged child, do a heck of a lot of reading about parenting older adopted children, and about the kinds of issues that may arise, such as attachment disorders related to broken bonds of trust. Join listservs and consult bulletin boards focused on older child adoption. And meet families in your area who have adopted older children. See and learn about the good, the bad, and the truly ugly.

And be honest with yourself about your strengths and limitations. Think about your finances, your patience, your health insurance, your ability to name a guardian for them who will take them in if something happens to you.

Think about your expectations. Are you looking for a child who will be able to go to Harvard and become a doctor? A child who will impress your friends with his/her social skills and maturity? Or are you willing to accept a child and help him/her to reach his/her full potential, whatever that happens to be? Maybe your child will be a success if he/she overcomes the effects of past trauma enough to work in a repair shop, bring home a paycheck every week, and stay out of trouble.

One thing that can help you find a child whom you, personally, can parent is working with an agency of the highest degree of integrity. You want an agency that will share with you EVERY scrap of information that it gets about a child, and that doesn't conceal things just to get him/her adopted. So check references carefully.

You also want an agency that will try its level best to GET good information, even though you know that some things may occur in a facility without the knowledge of the person giving the information to the agency, and that agencies are limited in their access to some settings overseas.

Ultimately, of course, adoption requires a leap of faith. Whether you are adopting a newborn or a teen, there are no guarantees. Your child may come home physically and mentally healthy, or he/she may come home with easily treatable conditions, or he/she may come home with some conditions that you didn't expect and that tax your resources and your sanity.

The good news is that there are lots of success stories with older child adoption. We just don't hear about them as often as we hear stories about the kids who molest their siblings, throw the cat out the window, set fires, and steal everything that isn't nailed down.

Success stories don't make the headlines, but there are lots of happy parents and kids out there. Sometimes, the happiness comes easily. There's a resilient child, who has been in a decent setting, bonding beautifully with parents who can treat them almost as they would a child who has been with them since birth.

Other times, the happiness takes a lot more work to achieve. It takes parents who are prepared with tools for dealing with the challenges posed by a child who has faced difficult life experiences.

These tools may be parenting techniques learned from books, therapists, or families of similar children. They may be lists of therapists familiar with the issues of older child adoption. They may be relatives who are willing to do some respite care occasionally, so that the parents can take time to recharge their emotional batteries, nurture their marriage, and so on. They may be lists of schools, caregivers, and even dentists who are not turned off by a child with problems. They may be skills involving time and money management.

Whatever you decide, best wishes to you. And if you choose to adopt a Russian child, be aware that your husband's familiarity with both the language and the culture are likely to be very helpful.

Sharon

[momraine]

Yeah, what Sharon said! Definataly check on an attachment therapist near you. I found some, but did not contact them, just had the list ready "in case". Well once I did have to, they were either not taking new patients, did not return calls, or had other issues and so none of them worked for us.