[kretzklan]

This is the question we got asked by DS2's football coach earlier this week. Now, there are two things here: Should he? (probably) - Is he? (nope, but that feels like private business to me - and sharing with you all is like sharing with family in most ways). So, it was the week from hell for us anyway. DD went to school and made false claims to the school social worker. Thankfully, the lady knows our story and asked for a meeting and I had to 'come clean' with a lot of stuff that I hadn't shared with the school - or really admitted to myself. My DD is suffering from AD...much more severely than I ever wanted to admit. So, that all sucked and we are now finding an attachment therapist...
DS2 had been "in trouble" at football before - he just simply won't pay attention and gets caught fooling around. I had made it CLEAR to the coach that we did not accept that behavior and that he should be asked to sit out and we should be told. We cannot be at all his practices...when we found out things were getting a little out of control DH started leaving work early to attend his full practices. He was an angel...so therefore I KNOW he can control those choices. It was made clear that he and only he is able to make choices about how to act and that he would have to take responsibility and if he chose to behave poorly he would be removed from the team. So, coach asks this question and a little bulb goes off - I'm guessing he's not behaving appropriately. I got more info...and I was right! So, I picked him up and said (very calmly...so proud of myself) "I'm sure you'll be disappointed that you are no longer on your football team. Your choices led to the fact that there wasn't any other option". I'm not taking responsibility for his actions. He did not say a word. Two days later - after I realized that he did not CARE AT ALL - he let me know that is the case. He doesn't care about quitting football. Yes, he wanted to play - but no, he doesn't feel that he should have to behave. OK, AD there too? Perhaps...
I'm trying...really trying. In the meeting for DD, the teacher actually started crying as we went through the 23 symptoms of AD - DD exhibits 20 of them on a regular basis. The last one says "parents appear hostile, uncaring and angry"...I starred that one too. I'm sure that is how I look most of the time. Even "friends" don't understand...how can they? I remember Angelkisses saying the worst day with an attached child is much like the best day with an AD child. Even though we were living it - I was blind and couldn't understand. Now, it's like a brick wall. My child is injured and needs a lot of healing.
I guess I'm just venting...but I'm also feeling like I need to "get it out there"...you can go back and read many of my posts. I know I've said MANY times - "My kids attached well"...Ah, not so much. Was it the honeymoon - I didn't think so because it certainly wasn't all nice behavior. I thought so much was just age-appropriate. Admittedly, I'm not a lovey touchy person...I don't just hug and kiss readily...so the slow going in that department was probably me as much as them. I did not do as good of a job faking it as I thought I was. Am I beating myself up? Yes and No. I just wanted them to be as healthy mentally as they are physically. I wanted to have a family that didn't have to live everyday thinking about adoption and the role it played in creating our family. I wanted to let my children go to school without advertising about their past - their neglect, the sadness, grief and trauma they have gone through. I feel private about those things. So, I was doing what I thought was right. But, yes - I knew - somewhere down in my gut...I knew... and I did nothing. Well, I did something - I got angry...I felt frustrated and made it clear to them that I was frustrated. I parented them like I parent DS1. And I can't do that. I'm reading all the papers online now about the "rules" of parenting AD kids. So much of it seems counter productive and DH and I will have to retrain ourselves to do it that way. I still need my sanity and feel very selfish that I don't want to give up my life to this cause. Will I have to become a person I don't want to be? Will my DS1 have to suffer forever because we chose to adopt? Will DS2 and DD suffer forever because I'm not enough?
I really didn't mean to come here and drop this load...but I have a lump in my heart, my chest and I can't get over it. I want to get going on therapy and have someone tell me what to do. But, can I do what they tell me? Even changing the way I word things is hard.
My DD was stroking a stranger's arm last weekend to get candy for free (from a concession stand). I got her and took her hand and she limpfished me - I realized she was showing more love to that woman than she shows me. And then I felt angry...at her. It's not right. I just don't know if I can become "right".

[momraine]

Alright my friend have you been reading my diary or what? Just kidding. I know you have been over on the special needs boards, so you know I am going through much of what you are. I was so in denial! I thought it would be terribly unfair for my sweet child to have to deal with not only physical issues (which to be honest are not nearly the issues I had feared, he is an awesome kid and able to adapt so well to his physical issues) but also attachment issues.

That adapbability that helps him overcome his his pysical issues, also made him a survivor in the orphanages, more than a survivor, he thrived. He learned to work the system, to get attention and to get what he wanted. We are in AT counseling now. I had read all the books and thought I was prepared for it, but nothing is like living it. As moms we take on a lot of guilt. I too worry about my other children and what I have done to them, I worry about not being a good enough mom to ds. However, it's been almost a year since I recognized the problem and there has been significant progress. He is vocalizing his feelings more, starting to accept me in the mom roll. Come and hang out on the special needs boards more. You will find support. You will also find it here. I have to tell you, when I talk to other moderators and they talk about conflict on thier boards, I can just smile, becuase I know that the people here (and on my other two less active boards) we don't have issues like that. You are stronger than you know, your older child is stronger than you know and your family will survive. I think for me, admitting the problem was one of the hardest steps. Once I mourned the perfect adoption I thought I had, then I was able to roll up my sleeves and get to work. I think my son is just about convinced that I am not going to give up on him. He flat out told me he was trying to "break my love, because if you love someone then it hurts when they leave". When he complained that my love was way too strong, I knew we were making progress. I am not the perfect mom, I make way, way too many mistakes, but I am doing my best and I know you are too. You can do this! Feel free to PM and vent anytime.

[ddahl]

Awww Kretz my heart is with you! You know, I did see a shadow out of my kitchen window last night... I was convinced it was a cat but maybe it was you stealing away in the night with part if not all of our story. Hummmm but I am sure you were safely tucked away in your neck of the woods!

What I am trying to say is I get it! I get you! Hell~ I may even be you! I have been totally limpfished before and it inspired me to want to whack the living "poop" (feel free to add your own terminology here) out of my son.

I think just a few things about this ....

First, I will spare no expense to provide my child with all the help he needs to be "OK" whatever that means... atatchment therapy, OT , regression therapy, holding time, whatever it takes my checkbook is out, I am willing.

Second, I do not think we have to feel bad or apologize to ouselves or anyone else for how we parent our kids. There is such a thing as a "good enough parent". I think we have to ask ourselves if we are good enough and move on from there.

Then the facts at the end of the day are that its our house and our rules and everyone living under our roof needs to comply with the rules of our family. Perod! No excuses!

Our kids will make every effort to train us into accepting the blame for their personal failures. Attached or not, all kids do it. We are not their friends, we are their parents. We have to hold them up to our standards not bend to theirs. We are raising them up for them to go out and be productive members of society not to be friends with them.

I am going to highly recommend that you investigate "The Total Transformation" by Lehman. We just bought it or rather my Mom bought it for us and seriously in about a week we have noticed a huge marked change in our home life and our son is 4.5. We have ended the war, taken back the hill and are on the road to behaviorial recovery. Its really been amazing for us and you do not need both parents to be on board although my DH is on board.

I will say this to you because I have felt bad for a long time about not being good enough as a Mother-its total BS To think that but up until last week I really could not imagine feeling any other way. I am just now after 3+ years of this seeing some hope. Maybe I am good enough...

As far as your Son goes.... He is very smart. He sized up the coach and he knew the guy was not strong enough to make him fall in line and control his impulsive behavior. Very smart... bad choice but such advanced manipulation!

As far as DD with the candy .. again sizing up the Candy lady and putting the old shuffle ball change on her. Nice work DD! But not acceptable behavior. I would not look at this as DD showing a total stranger love. I think she was showing you that she was challenging your rules and other things but I can see how you might feel this way because I have felt it too when I have watched DS overtly give a stranger a hug or kiss. Ohhh what I would have given to be the recipient of a random act of love from him! He once spent three days on the lap of my husbands cousin's girlfriend whom he met on day one. He would rub her arm then lean over and kiss her arm. WHA?????? I was furious and right in the cross hairs where he wanted me. It was my first true glimpse that he was manipulating me for all it was worth. We do not need to right for them. They need to do the right thing. We are good enough.

We are laying down the hammer here at
"CAMP TAKENOMORE BEE-S". I frankly do not care to use what DS has been through or what his level of grief and detatchment are as an excuse for his horriffic rude, insubordiante, destructive behavior today. He needs to fall in and get with the program.

I hereby declare that no matter what he has been through, he is not going through that now. I hereby take back the home and all its contents and claim them as mine. I hereby declare that I am a "good enough parent" and in the words of my new Guru "there is no excuse for abuse". Do I love him? I love this little boy more than I could have ever imagined. He is entwined in my soul. I love him so much that I am willing to stop the madness!

Stay strong and if possible try to manage a Mommy weekend away with just yourself. Its always better to start a new parenting style after you have been out of the house for a few days. You will have been gone just long enough to be missed and for them to be stumped or just a bit unsure as to what happend to Mom. Ask you DH to give you a weekend off. You need rest rejuvenate your own spirit too!

My heart and hugs go out to you! All my best! Dixie

[angelkisses0102]

Kretz~
Huge hugs coming your way...I have very limited computer time these days (and owe Dixie a PM as well)...but I promise I will come back to this thread.

It WILL be OK...it won't be easy...but facing your problems head on will help solve them. You now know what you are dealing with...you will come to terms with it and then you will all work your butts off and help your children heal the best they can.

I have to get ready for church now but will make every attempt to come back to this tonight or tomorrow morning.

I am so sorry you are dealing with this...but you are stronger than you know or think...you are a great parent. Repeat... I AM A GREAT MOM! Because you are. Do NOT ever doubt that.

Hugs to you too Dixie...and you too momraine.

[votemom]

i don't have any advice, but please know i care.

[Pinkie]

Oh my goodness, i've just written the longest reply on my new laptop and its just disappeared into cyber space. I hope it finds it way back!! I'll check in again tomorrow and see but for now just know you are not alone....no way can you claim that one for yourself!!! Big, big hugs from me and i'll check in as soon as I can and reply again.

[ophelia72]

I read this thread and then went away I had to think about it for awhile. Kretz. YOU ARE A GREAT MOM!!!!! Know that we all do the best we can and think we are doing right at the time with the information we have at the time. So now you have new information and new perspective, new approach, are you perfect you know no one is but we do our best and you love your kids like crazy and they know it! I agree with Dixie they use that information against you adopted or not. Could they have attachment issues most certainly could they be attached and still manipulative certainly.
My DD is just home and I already know that I have a long road ahead of me with that one. She has the charms and already at 2 clearly understands has to use them. I call her my velcro baby but I know as she ages she is going to be hand full. So I say to you repeat it a million times. I AM A GREAT MOM! Because you are and hang tough my friend. AND do what you have to do and knwo its for their own good.
XOXOOXOOXOOXOOX

[karenmarq]

Hi, Kretzklan,

I have followed your story for a long time and was SO sad to see problems have come up again for you.

You've gotten many great responses already, but I wanted to mention that we knew a couple that adopted an 8 or 9 year old girl from Russia and at age 11 she was still having so many issues. Finally they made great strides in her healing by using art therapy.

Best wishes to you and your sweet family.

Karen

[ddahl]

p.s. A few people have emailed me expressing their concern which is just another amazing show of love and the power of this group. I am totally fine and so is DS. I just do not want to slip through the cracks and not share the difficulties of our journey to today. It has been totally worth it, its been hard, its been wonderful, its been hair raising and hair pulling. We have had a little bit and a lot of a multitude of different situations that can occur post placement. Some days are hard for all of us and I think sharing a bit of our difficulties and triumphs helps other as well. There is no perfect journey. I once told angelkisses "I did all the research on everything adoption..... attachment etc... I just never thought I would need any of it".... LOL!! Thanks for the love! We are great! We are just uniquely us and its wonderful!

[bonsaroonie]

Thinking of you and your family - best wishes!

[kretzklan]

Thank you all for the wonderful support. I'm feeling better today - not so gloom and doom. DS1 and I had a son/mom date today - went to see Eagle Eye and we went early so that we could just sit and chat before the previews. It was very nice for me and I think for him. I shared some of what is about to happen in our family - just a general change of how things are handled - and tried to explain it at his level. I let him know that no matter WHAT was happening with DS2 and DD - he indeed counted to us and is important to us - just as important as what we are going to be working on with them. I still have that 30 minutes alone with him each day after school and will use it liberally to listen and hug him...just make him feel cared for. DH and I sat down last night and went through a LOT of material. He wants to work on this as much as I do. It will fall to me more - as I'm with them more - and the majority of their attachment issues are with me...but we agreed on the few fronts that we want to work the hardest right now (lying and behaviors at school - including stealing). That will, at least, give me a starting point when I "interview" the therapist on Monday.
I totally agree that we are dealing with not just attachment - but grief and trauma. I always felt we dealt with that in a head on fashion - it's just deeper than we know. For four days (not long in the scheme of life - but long for me right now) - I have not yelled one time...have not changed my facial expressions to negative...not once. In some ways they seem quite freaked out. We had family time last night and did hair brushing and foot rubs and lotion on the back...just little things to get it started around here. When we went for a walk I held her hand and did not let her limpfish me. Simply stated that she needed to hold my hand tightly so that I could keep her safe and also because I love holding her hand. Today after the movie she came to me and gave me a bracelet she had made for me while I was gone...and I didn't ask her to make it.
So...better day and you all help with that. Thanks again!

[Pinkie]

Glad things are looking better today. You're not alone. As you know I haven't had internet connection nor the time since May but now I have, and maybe the time has come for me to start doing a bit of research. It's nothing too bad and nothing I can't handle but certain things you said have hit home with me. Sometimes I don't recognise the person I have become......I shout.....and I don't have the patience I once had.......and I sometimes I doubt my capabilities as a mother.

We are fine, we will get there in the end and I love her more than life itself, but some days are good, some days are difficult and some are just down right awful for one reason or another!

Anyway, just know you are not alone and you are the BEST MOTHER to your kids.

[beckyww]

You are brave - and a wonderful mom!

One day all three of your kids will realize it.

Becky
The Woodworth Family in Beautiful San Antonio TX

[MustangLippy]

Kretz, my heart goes out to you but also my thanks. Thanks for posting this today. We've been struggling with DD (now 3) and I've been struggling with feeling inadequate as a mother to her too. For some reason I was not equating this with AD but reading your post a lightbulb went off in my head. We've had so many developmental issues and therapies that AD took a back burner, as so many of the problems were put down to these delays. But what if they are AD???

I worry about DS (bio) too. The stress I hear in his voice dealing with DD I had hoped was normal sibling squabbling, but now I have my doubts. And DS is so worried that he doesn't love his sister, not even like her very much. What a terrible burden on him.

Thank you for sharing. You are much stronger than you know.

Angela

[GCS]

Kretz
I am so very sorry to hear of your struggle.

I think a few things that make this more difficult for us in the real world. One - avoid isolation. These things we deal with isolate us from others in our communities. I remember that first difficult year feeling like no one understood what I was going through and that we had made a terrible mistake and in were in over our heads. I wasn't able to find people in my corner of the real world that were on the same page as me. I had to go to online groups to find like minded people. Don't feel isolated. There are so many of us who understand and are here for you.

Two - Mourn. It really stinks to not be able to parent how you wanted to. I still hate that I have to be so strict and so structured with my son. I had a completely different vision as to what kind of mother I was going to be. I really mourned that ideal, that fantasy of a family. Take time to mourn this and don't feel bad about it. Also remember that having to be a different kind of mother for your children does not make you a bad mother. This is what your children need you to be and by stepping up and doing this you are being the best mother you can be for them. I know its hard to remember in the moment. You are not being hostile and uncaring, you are trying to set appropriate guidelines for a child who has none.

And third - give yourself a break. We all go through the "I should have seen this" or "I've been in denial" regarding an issue with our child. I beat myself up for months that it took me so long to have a complete NeuroPsych eval done on DS. I missed out on years of therapy by doing this. I just have to let it go and move forward. We did have the evaluation done, we did get into the appropriate therapies and now we are doing very well. Could of, Should of, Would of... it just makes you crazy. I just have to start fresh each day.

Its going to be ok. I really do believe that. You are moving in the right direction!

Take care,
Christina