[amyfk]

Hi,

I hope everyone is well.
I am sure many of you know that I have wanted to adopt again after bringing home my child Joanna(with the exception of today when she was a brat). My husband for the longest time was not on board.
About two months ago my husband and I were talking on the phone while he was at work. He said to me, "maybe it would be a good idea for Joanna to have a sibling." I almost fell off my couch because I couldnt believe it was coming from my dh's mouth!
After that I started looking around at various programs and agencies and I was keeping hopeful. I told my husband that as long as we can wing it financially I am really for adding on. My dh has had a problem lately. He developed a hernia, and is going for surgery for it at the end of the week. So now he's not a happy camper and for the last month he was walking around in pain.
Tonight after a trying day for both of us(he works Sats.) and Joanna threw several fits at the mall for me, at dinner my husband said that most likely the second adoption is off again.
What do I say to him? At least if he never told me he was thinking of a sibling It wouldnt have entered my mind. Now that he brought it up and again changed his mind, I feel kind of sad and regretful. I almost feel like a have a second "phantom" child out there somewhere. Does that sort of make sense?
Thanks,
Amy K, NJ

[FatherOfOne]

As a husband, I say you have to respect his thoughts, reguardless of how it makes you feel. (no I am not the man is right, woman in the kitchen type.)
I am the, its easier to get over an emotional loss as a couple, than the marriage loss with something as important as a child involved type.

You do not want to egg him on to have a second child, just for him to spend the next 18 years resenting you and the child because he was coaxed into it. If you two are meant to have to children then he will come around. If not, then you need to respect his wishes.

Good luck with the decision, hopefully he comes around because he feels in his heart he wants another child.

[MamaS]

That is really not the sort of decision that should be based on "a bad day" or "the terrible twos". Wail until your husband is over his surgery. Then get a sitter and go out alone somewhere. Or, send Joanna to the park with a sitter and sit down at the dining table with all phones off, and have a talk.
Talk about the pros and cons. You might even want to have a list of all his objections -- too old, too poor, house too small, etc. and a list of the positives. Sibling for Joanna when we are gone, don't need a lot of "starter stuff" cause we already have it. If it's another girl they can share toys, clothes, etc.
Really listen to each other, and then come to an agreement. After you reach an agreement - whatever it is - the subject is closed. No canceling for "a bad day" or any other reason except major catastrophic life changes.

[Ebadge90]

How many of us would even think about adopting again after a "bad day" with our children? I don't. Give your husband a chance to calm down and get the surgery over with. No decision needs to be made now, and it certainly doesn't have to made in the heat of battle.

[nhook]

I am in the same boat, kind of.

I really want to adopt again but we only have half the money. It is so frustrating because a couple of years ago 25,000 would have been enough to start the process. Now it seems to be so much more and since I am not working (to stay home with 1st child) I do not know how it is possible. It took us years to save for the first one.

It is frustrating and I fear that the fees will keep going up 5-10 thousand every year.

[sweettooth4lifefamil]

To be perfectly honest, I think that stinks.... that being said I agree that your hubby was having a bad day and the topic should be revisited later. If he was open to it before, he probably still is. He is in a lot of pain, and your dd was having a bad day. Trust me, no matter what the age of your child, they do have bad days. Everyone does. You shouldn't base the future of your family on a few bad days. That's not fair to anyone. I also think that on a lot of levels 2 kids are easier than 1. They entertain each other so much and free up more time for mom and dad.
What ever you decide, do it on a "clear" day, without discractions. I wish you the best!

[coachmom]

that happened to me too.
My husband said yes, then a week later after doing all the reserach, he said no.. I cried for a whole day, even though he thought it was silly to grieve what you never had..but it was still the hope.. So then he said yes again and after we filed the application, I had a whole day of second thoughts..then after church today, I knew that this was right, but still doing research.. The contract will be here tomorrow, hopefully and we will have to make the final decision then.. In two years, we will be 50 and it will be too late...
Hope he comes on board again...will be praying...if its meant to be, he will
Coachmom

[amyfk]

Thank you all for your good, sound advice. I do appreciate it. Probably my dh is not onboard with the idea, but I will wait to see how he is doing after the surgery. You are right, the surgery may be coloring his feelings.
Amy K, NJ

[MominPA]

I think you and your husband need to sit down and discuss this when it is a good time for both of you.

I know my husband wasn't 100% on board the second time around since he was worried about traveling again. He is not a good traveler. He was fine with the process since he trusts our agency, but him actually flying for 10 hours and being driven from place to place isn't his cup of tea. However, once he got into the mode everything was fine. Honestly, if I waited for my husband, I would still be waitiing.

I just wouldn't take no as an answer, but find out why he is saying no. From what I remember you didn't have the easiest time the first time around and that could be one of his fears.

Also you need to put your feelings out there. How would you feel if you didn't get another child? Would you resent your husband? I don't think it is fair that one spouse has the say in what will happen for both. I am not saying your husband or you are like that since I don't know yous, but I am just saying that in general. Marriage is compromise. Yes, I did push my husband, but he wasn't against it. It just takes him a while to accept change. Myself, if I get a call saying you have a job across the country that is a great opportunity I would jump on it. My husband would be sick to his stomach.

Yesterday we pulling our hair out with our kids and there was no way I would have considered another child. Today, the house is quite since it is the first day of school. My husband says maybe we should adopt again since he is being sentimental since our youngest started kindergarten. If it wasn't for the money I would have been on the phone before he could take back what he said.

[MamaChinch]

Oh Amy, how frustrating! But I agree with some others, you guys should really discuss this after the surgery and without Joanna around, and certainly not when she is acting up!
Whatever the outcome, you will both benefit from talking about it when there isn't so much going on!
<HUGS> !!!!

[EZ2Luv]

Seems like now is not an ideal time to visit the second adoption plans. I am willing to bet it is because of the physical pain your husband is in that has tainted his desire to adopt again. the up coming surgery and daily trilas and tribulations of parenting can definately infulence the decidsion to add to your family.

I am with those who sueggest to wait until Hubby is back to his tip top shape again and healed up before revisiting the idea.
I too want baby #4 but if Hubby is having outside stressors discussing expanding our family is not a topic I would bring up. I know my DH is not opposed to another baby, but I also know how hard it is to think positive about such a live changing experience when everything around you feels like crud.

The fact that your DH brought the idea up tells me he more than likely does want another child, it is just not the ideal time to take that step.

You know how men are when they are in pain. They are the biggest babies, so give him some time. He needs to be the baby right now lol.


EZ

[amyfk]

HI,

Thank you all very much. I really appreciate it. Lately I have been feeling somewhat selfish for asking him to adopt another kid while he is not feeling well. However, earlier tonight my husband tells me he wants to go to a "professional dinner" tomorrow night. His best friend is going and he likes to eat out. My husband will do anything to spend time with his best friend, even when he is ill. So sometimes I really wonder how bad my husband feels and how much he is telling me the truth.
Thanks again,
Amy K, NJ