[proudmommyof 2]

I am so frustrated with our systems of fostering and adopting here, and the next person who, upon hearing that all of my kids are internationally adopted asks me, "Why don't you adopt from here. There are so many kids HERE who need families" is going to get a punch in the face. Seriously.

We had a failed placement back before Dennis. The little boy was in our home, from foster care, until he was 8 months. The adoption hearing was changed because the grandparents decided they didn't want him to be adopted. Here's the short story: Baby boy born to 40 y.o. crack addict and her dh, who was addicted. He had two other kids, no custody. Baby boy was in the hospital for a month, withdrawing from drugs "mother" couldn't get herself off of. Went into foster care because grandparents didn't want to miss their winter in Florida. Came to us at 5 months, hearing scheduled to see if this case would be moved to adoption (unusual for this young, but parents making no progress, grandparents not interested, and TPR would have taken a year or so, and then he might have been adopted by age 2, if all went well. He was considered a "low risk" placement). Anyway, grandparents, upon being notified we wanted to adopt, changed their mind and they decided they wanted him. A month in court, we had no rights since he hadn't been with us 6 months, and that's all she wrote.

Well, that story has a happy ending. Dennis came to be our son one year later, and then my other two lovelies.

Anyway, we're finally recovering financially from 3 IAs in 5 years, and we want to have more kids. We cannot afford international at this point. We are willing (wanting) to adopt older special needs kids. Doesn't matter to us. We can't afford the travel and the document fees again, even if fees are waived for SN.

So anyway, I found a photolisting and fell in love. Sibling group from out of state. In love. Little boy, little girl, the little girl with intense special needs of which we are very well acquainted and of which I think we could do a wonderful job with. Our sw got in touch with their social worker. We started to move stuff around the house to move the girls' bedroom downstairs. None of that matters though. I fell in love, and imagined them with us. Then, after a couple of weeks, the sw in the other state calls to tell us that there's an aunt who "may" want them, one or both. They're in separate foster homes now. Let's be honest-the aunt isn't going to taket he kids. At least, not the girl, or she would have done so years ago. The kids are going to stay in foster care, because any time a family wants to love and adopt these children, someone's going to say "no, I think I may want them" and that will be that.

I'm angry, hurt, frustrated, and just mad as *(&(&. Why does our system allow this to happen?

We will have the children we are meant to have, and these precious angels just aren't meant to be our children. I'm having a heck of a time getting over this though.

I love love love my kids. I just thought there were a couple of more out there for us.

[Lorraine123]

If you don't want to take the legal risk, only request children who are already TPRed. Once TPR has occurred, family can't step forward. All family searches will be complete.

[votemom]

i'm sorry.

[Max'sMommy]

I am sooo sorry, upset and mad for you and those children as well!!!! You just summerized why we do international adoptions!!!! I just could not take that pain you are now going through. Again I am so sorry.

[karla-k]

yep, feel ya! my cousin had two babies in 13 months, she is on drugs, the newborn tested dirty and both babies were taken while the mother was still in the hospital after the 2nd birth. She has relinquished custody of 3 other kids before. We offered to take the babies IF we could adopt, we did NOT want to foster. judge made visiting arrangements like he wanted to reunite, meanwhile birthmother refuses to take parenting classes, arrange for her own transportation to visitations, and will only go to a rehab that is less than a month in length!!! She has admitted that the father is a bad influence, but she refuses to get a job and try to get herself a place of her own while her kids are in care.

We have moved on and are waiting on our referral from Kyrgyzstan. Do children here needs homes? Yes. Can people adopt those children? No.

Karla

[Lumpkin]

Originally Posted by Lorraine123

If you don't want to take the legal risk, only request children who are already TPRed. Once TPR has occurred, family can't step forward. All family searches will be complete.

Where do you get that impression??? In our case, we (family) stepped in after TPR with no issues at all. As a matter of fact, our social service organization didn't even want to talk about adoption until TPR was complete. We didn't want to step in before that point anyhow, as we didn't want to transition the children into one more home if they were going to get to RU anyhow.

Honestly, there had been no contact at all with any relatives concerning adoption of the children prior to TPR. So I think you're mistaken on that point. I also know of another case from another state where the foster parents were preparing to adopt a child that was TPR'd, but an uncle just found out about the child and still got "first pick".

[Lorraine123]

In my state, once TPR is done, then essential TPR is done on all family members. They do all relative searches prior to TPR. In fact, they hold off on TPR until all relatives have been exhausted. May be different in other states. We did a no-risk adoption from the state. Many, many others on this forum have done the same. Many families don't want to foster, just want to adopt from the state. We did not want a child to be in our home and then removed. It can be done.

[karla-k]

Is there truly a no risk adoption from the state? I don't think so, not until the judge finalizes the adoption. We have friends who are straight adopt from CPS in Texas. They have a 6 & 8 year old placed with them now. Their court date to finalize is in September. However, if the 6 year old got mad and told the SW that he had been hit or disciplined in any physical manner there would be no questions asked, the kids would be removed and the adoption would not go through. This is how the parents explained it to us.

[Lorraine123]

Karla - you are correct. If you hit or abuse your children prior to finalization, the child could be taken. If the child falsely accuses you, an investigation takes place.

But that is also true after finalization or with any other child. I guess looking at it that way, parenthood is never no risk. If our children make allegations of abuse, CPS could take our children (all of us, adopted or not).

I adopted through straight adoption from foster care. My daughter has made false allegations and she is still with me. Any child who does that has serious mental health issues (my daughter does) and the parent should decide if that is the child for them.

I'm not advocating adopting from foster care. I did it and it was a big old pain in the behind. We considered switching to interrnational adoption at one point along the journey (Russia in fact) because it was so difficult to do straight adoption. So I totally understand that.

I just wanted to point out that it can be done. I think any type of adoption has its risks and rewards. There is no right or wrong in this. It just depends on what is best for you.

[GCS]

I'm so sorry.

I hope that there a couple more out there for you to love and that they find their way to you.

[MamaChinch]

I am so sorry what you have been through. I had a failed domestic adoption a few years back for stupid, frustrating reasons and it lead me to IA. You will have the children who are supposed to be with you!!

[Waiting_for_my_baby]

I'm so sorry for what you are having to go through. Lately i've been trying to educate myself on state adoptions & it just breaks my heart to see all of the photolistings. What are people doing to their children!? It really makes me mad! Then there is all of us, who would love these children like we gave birth to them, and it's made so hard to adopt.

[kretzklan]

Oh, I'm so sad for you. It's a grieving process...allow that for yourself. We inquired about numerous children through state agencies as well and had many let-downs. I know you'll find the kids that are supposed to be part of your family...I just wish it wasn't so hard to do so!

[Bcelli]

So sorry, proudmommyof2 (3).

With respect to the questions about why you didn't adopt domestically - I used to be just speechless when people would ask that. I was asked to kinda light a fire under the adoption topic on a local parenting board and got those responses a lot. Another adoptive parent pointed out that usually people who ask those questions have themselves not attempted to adopt or open their home to any child, domestic or international. Usually, now, we just say "We didn't make the choice; God did." And if they continue, then "Is our child any less deserving of a family because he was born in another country?" That usually stops it rather abruptly.

I feel you on the other. 'Nuf said, there.

If there are two more children waiting to become part of your family, you all will find each other. Stay open to possibilities.

[amyfk]

Dear Katrina,

I read your post and I want to say Im very sorry for the pain you are going through now. As Kretz has indicated it's a real loss and grieiving is normal.
That being said, I wish I had advice for you, I dont know anything about the US fostercare system. I guess the folks who gave advice before me would be most helpful or you can ask your homestudy worker you used for your IAs. If she/he cannot help you, hopefully you can be referred to someone who can answer your questions.
Also, I always dropped my extra change in the Dave Thomas Adoption boxes at Wendy's, especially since I have adopted. If folks arent being given the chance to adopt, should I still drop money in the boxes? Is the money going to a good cause?
I hope you feel better and get the answers you need Katrina. I hope the right child comes to your home sooner rather than later.
Amy K, NJ