[april*rain]

I am at a loss and am turning to the experts - you guys who all know what it is like to parent adopted children. I apologize in advance for what is likely to be a long post.

Ethan came home at 17 months old in April 2005. He was only 16 pounds and barely walking. Fast forward to now, he is right where he should be in terms of physical development. He is very smart and we have no issues there. He is loving, compassionate, creative, funny, athletic, and a real character. He is also, at times, quite defiant and smart mouthed, which I know is typical four year old behavior.

He does seem to be behind socially. He is an only child so is not around kids a lot. He has been going to preschool two days a week for one year. It took him nine months to not cry at dropoff. He had two good months of drop off, and the crying has now resumed. The teacher says he calms down quickly and is fine the rest of the day. It is just that point of separation from me or his daddy that sets him off.

I have no doubt that the teachers there call him a momma's boy behind my back, but I feel like this: my baby had no one to care about him and love for him the first 17 months of his life, and for the first year home we cocooned to promote attachment. I want him to be attached to us! At the same time, I fear that his shyness and problems with separation are going to cause him real problems.

He is being moved upstairs to the pre-k room, and all other kids have transitioned fine. Ethan has not, so now he goes up for the afternoons only the two days a week he goes. I think that anxiety might be the reason for the resumed crying at drop offs.

I don't know what to do. He seems worried about school a lot. For example, at night he'll say "mommy, when I wake up in the morning is it a school day?" If I say "no, tomorrow you're home with Mommy" he is thrilled. When we ask him why he doesn't like school, he just says that he wants to be home with Mommy. His teacher said he does fine there after the first few minutes.

I want to point out that Ethan loves to spend the night with his grandparents at the beach, so it's not that he has trouble leaving us all the time. Just at school.

His birthday is in November, so thankfully he misses the cutoff and won't go to Kindergarten until 2009, when he will almost be six. Inside, I am scared to death about Kindergarten and how he will adjust (or not).

The worst part is that, due to the economy and other things, I am now looking for a full=time job so Ethan will have to go to school at least three days a week. He will either stay with my mom the other two days or will be in school all five days.

I don;t know what to do. Do I pull him out of school and send him to a babysitter up the street who watches other kids (so he would have peers to interact with)? Do I keep him in the school he's in? Do I look for a new school? That worries me because then he will have to get used to a whole new school and routine, and he is not a "go with the flow" kid - he likes to know what is coming, where he is going, and he does not transition well.

I have a call in to the social worker who handled our post placement reports to get her advice. Ethan's pediatrician said to keep him in school, my mom said to take him out. Ugh! Any ideas and advice would be very much appreciated. It breaks my heart to leave him at school crying - - especially since this has been going on for a year now.

Thanks!
Lisa

[kretzklan]

I'm sorry that little Ethan is struggling and of course, that makes you a stressed out mommy. I am speaking from the experience of having a controller in my house...and mini version of me (unfortunately). My DD has, since coming home at age 6, needed control. I understood at first - she had never had control of what was happening to her. But, she is still in full throttle and the biggest place it shows itself is at school. First it was what you describe - the separation anxiety (she was in K)...now (she's going into 3rd) - it's the anxiety over the not knowing what is going to happen.
Does his teacher have a schedule on the wall or something? Some way for Ethan to know what is happening next? Is the classroom pretty much the same each day or big swings in what happens?
I believe he should stay in school - and it sounds like it may not be an option for him not to, with your new job situation. I truly believe that a child must learn social skills and how to be without parents and he is at a safe age to do that. As you mentioned, with K coming up in a year or so...it's only going to help him transition to "real" school, by having that experience under his belt.
When you pick him up is he excited about things that happened at school? One 'game' we practiced with DD was a question game. We asked questions that could not be answered with OK or I dunno. Like "what was the most thrilling thing that happened today?" "what was the most shocking or scary thing?" It really gave us insight into what was freaking her out.
Good luck!

[momraine]

Having spent years teaching preschool, I can assure you the teachers are not likely talking about it. I promise you he is not the first kid they have seen that has this issue. If he is fine after a few minutes, then I would not worry. I only ever had one child who really had an issue with not being ready for school. The rest are doing the crying and stuff for mom. One year I put up some sticker stuff on one outside window of my classroom for a mom who did not beleive that her son calmed the second she was out of sight. It was almost like a button was pushed one minute he is crying and carrying on and then the next he is laughing and participating with the other kids. Anyway, I did the thing on the window that made it so you could see from out outside but not from inside and I sent the mom out there to watch. She was amazed. The next day she had her husband bring him in so she could watch and see how fast he stopped when her husband left. She told me that she talked to him about it later and her son told her that he felt like he was supposed to cry to remind her to come back. Something about seeing other children cry the first time he had decided that it was part of the going to school routine. She talked to him about it and said he seemed releived to realize that they would come back even if he didn't cry and that it was OK to have fun at school and that mom was happy that he had fun. He seemed also worried that his mom would be sad if he had fun without her, she would think he didn't need her. It took some time. Also discussing what will happen during the day helps a lot. One thing I did for my kids was I made a book the first day of school. I had a stuffed frog that our class mascot, and I took photos of him doing everything we did in preschool, including with all other staff members we saw. I also put all the names of my new kids in it. Then I put it in a three ring binder. We read it like every day the first month. I also made smaller (quarter page) copies of it and stapled them together in little books for the kids to take home. It used a lot of photo paper, but it really helped the kids. Maybe your teacher would be willing to take pictures of the kids during the day and help you make a book that you could read to him so he knows what will happen. I also send home lesson plans with kids so the parents could tell the kids what we were going to learn about that day, and I put all special things on the calandar so the kids could have warning. I found they did better if they knew what was going to happen.
My son has some anxiety, as he has some attachment issues and one thing that we do for him that helps is we do these games where I tell him I love him when. . . He is happy, sad, scared, mad, silly, smiling, frowning, crying, jumping, rolling, on the moon, etc. I also tell him I will always come back to him and always be his mom no matter what. It helps to add silly things in like if a dinosaur takes you for a ride, I will still come find you and be your mom. If you build a rocket ship in your closet and fly to the moon, I will still love you and still be your mom and I will come find you. It reassures him. Your son may need the same. Remind him that you will love him and come get him no matter what, if he crys or smiles or does a flip and gets green polka dots when you leave, no matter what. I suggest staying in school unless you suspect a problem at school. I agree with asking the questions about the day. I ask all the kids the best thing that happend, the worst thing, the silliest thing, etc.

[tigger44]

I agree that the structure/schedule/routine of the pre-school is better than an in home care giver. It will better prepare him for kindergarten. Maybe some sort of calendar at home with the days that he goes to school, and the days he goes to grandma's would help him? I think our PI children do much better with visual aids and with some sort of control given to them. Control seems to be the key factor for most of our little munchkins.

I also talk to my daughter about how much I missed her and how I thought about her while she was at school and I was at work. It helps her to know that even though we are separated, I still "remember" her. I also sometimes reward her for having a good week in school, with a small gift waiting in her car seat on Friday afternoon . Things like show & tell and taking in a snack to share with all the classmates makes her very excited about school that day. Her teachers also assign "jobs" (line leader, snack helper, etc.) to the children every day, so they feel very important about having something to be responsible for. Talk more with his teachers about things they do and can do to help him feel more comfortable, based on his personality.

On the days that DD has cried when it's time to say goodbye, although it's crushing my heart, I give her the usual hug, kiss, tell her goodbye and hand her over to the teacher, then just leave. I don't make a big deal out of it. Usually that's enough to prevent the tears and drama again. But, I know each child is different.

I hope it will get easier soon!

[momraine]

Another thing is making it an exciting thing, you can together lay out clothes for school the night before. Some of the parents I knew did after school surprises. They would ask me (the teacher) if the child had a good day and if I said yes, they would tell the child what that days surprise was. Sometimes it was going for ice cream, sometimes it was a dollar store toy or treat, sometimes it was going to the park, sometimes it was the drive through carwas (this kid loved doing that, LOL) Sometimes it was a cool sticker. (mom had some stashed in her purse and admitted to me stickers were for the days she could not think of a different suprise) She tried to get creative with the surprises and they made a game on the way to school of guessing what it might be that day. She said they also made a big deal about laying out the clothes for school the night before getting all excited, new clothes were always saved to wear to school to show people (even though we told them to wear play clothes, LOL)

[Javalita]

Sounds like my son - 1st year of preschool over and he'll be 4 this month. He didn't cry, but clings to me as I drop him. We worked out a routine that he goes to his favorite teacher, we switch his hand from mine to hers and then the go to the window. At the window, they pop up and "scare" me. I swear to you - he barely looks at me. He runs off instantly to go find his friends and play.

There is NO WAY mine would ever do a sleepover with grandparents, aunts, cousins or anyone. He has been sleeping with his cousin (4 years old too) in his room this week. The first time ever on his own, without me. A miracle!

So, no advise for you. Just commiserating - you aren't alone!

[amyfk]

Lisa,

I wish I had great advice for you, but I dont. I hope you guys find a solution and your son feels better upon dropoff in the future.
Amy K, NJ

[momm2be]

I think Momraine said it.

My mother had a preschool and during my days helping there. There were kids who just cried at drop off every day the whole year. This is the least of the teachers concern as it usually stops after the parents are out the door. This is preschool after all, kids cry - its their way of communicating.

I think it's too early to predict whether this will happen in Kindergarten, or even time to worry about it.

What you need to do is reassure that school is good and you love him and will be back soon. I have seen some parents give their child their watch to wear during rough transitions - you might want to get a cheap watch and then every morning hand it over to him so he has something of yours during the day.

Transitions are rough, but he will get through this.

[Kasey]

I think Momraine gave you great advice. My son is 4 and has been in a daycare/preschool setting since 18 months of age (he came home at 5 1/2 months of age).
We had some sep. anxiety at 2 yrs of age and then had a couple weeks of it as soon as he turned 4, which concerned me alot. I kept talking to him and so did his teachers, we figured out another boy was being a little bit of a bully, so once we addressed that, things were much better.
I would try and see if there is anything else happening that may be upsetting.
Best wishes!

[angelkisses0102]

I just scanned the responses but a couple of suggestions...sorry if they are duplicates.

~Have him evaluated by your school district...a full evaluation for all areas. My DS was delayed over two years on social/emotional maturity when he was tested last May at age 3 years 10 months old. He also had some other issues which qualified him for a special pre-K class...best thing that ever happened to him and all of us. The psychologist who was part of the evaluation and follow up was familiar with PI children and attachment and stated that yes DS was probably so delayed socially and emotionally because of the time it took him to attach. Which you may or may not remember was a long and difficult road...about 30 months home but took about another 12 months for us to believe he was healed. I can very proudly state that DS has completely caught up on this...much to my surprise...in the past year. He went from basically being a two year old to an almost five year old boy...in 14 months...a great thing to witness. Being delayed in this area will effect him and how he transitions and reacts to these transitions.

~Transitioning difficulty can be a sign of other underlying 'issues.' In our DS's case, he has sensory processing disorder (SPD) and often these kids do not transition well. Understatement of the year with DS. With therapy and preparation, DS now transitions so much better...but we do need to prepare him completely. The psychologist suggested that we take pictures in situations like you describe. So when we transitioned DS to his pre-K last year...we visited and took about 100 pictures. We then reviewed them and talked extensively about what wouldbe happening. Much to my utter amazement...he transitioned so well...we tried it again when he moved to his summer camp and again it worked like a charm.

~He may be better off going to pre-K every single day...yes I said every day. DS could never handle a week like you are describing. He NEEDS stict routine...and never knowing what he is going to do that day will (and did when we tried part time pre-school) set him off. He needs to know what he is doing, so we have a schedule on the refrig which shows what he will do each day at camp. Even though it basically never changes, we review it almost daily. At school and camp they use a picture schedule to show the kids what they will be doing next...again for DS this is vital. Maybe you could do something like this for him at home?!

~Finally, maybe this particular pre-K is not the proper fit for him. It took us three daycares to find the right fit for DD...and she was our 'easy' child. Some places simply work better for certain kids.

Good luck and hang in there! I know how tough it is...but once you figure out what works for Ethan and you...it wil be OK.

[pwnort64]

I was thinking the same thing as Angelkisses...he may do better with the routine of going to school every day. The not knowing what is happening the next day may contribute to the anxiety.

Also, a short drop off routine is key. Don't drag it out. And try to do the same thing for every drop off. Make sure part of the routine includes a reminder that you will pick him up later, and if you can give something specific (like after your nap, after xxx activity, etc.).

Also, there are some great books out there about kids being separated from their parents for school: The Kissing Hand; and Oh My Baby Little One come to mind. Reading them over and over may also help reinforce that you will return for him and lessen his anxiety.

[Ktates]

I only have a few minutes to type - but I wanted to tell you I am in the same boat. DD came home in 2005 at 14 months - she has been in preschool 3 mornings a week since February. I think I have had 2 days where she didn't cry when I left - but I know she is fine once I am out of the room. I also am going back to work full time in the next month or so.

DD has had a lot of playdates over the last 2 years I have been home but she is still pretty shy - especially compared to other kids - but I don't think it's a bad thing. But I worry for the same reasons you do...DD just got transitioned to a new classroom - I don't want her to change yet again - etc..

Anyway - I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone - actually reading your post made ME feel a little better about things!

[ddahl]

No time to type now but suffice to say we have had similar experiences and ultimatly moved DS to another school. Voila! No more tears at drop off. COuld be the school. Flash forward to may just ending the normal "3's" school term where he went 3 days a week for 9 months. Two weeks into summer school he was crying and asking every day if today was a school day. I pulled him out two weeks ago nd no more problems. I am in process to find another school we will see how that goes.

Poor transitioner or not, its not normal in any way to cry that much at drop off. One little girl in DS class cried every day for 5 months. They moved her at mommy's request to another class and guess what.... no crying at all from day one in the new class. Something to think about. I have also found that any teacher that thinks I am hypervigillant as a parent is usually a poor care taker of my son. JMO. Its hard I know. Hoping you get some clarity on this soon. I feel bad for both of you. Sending hugs.

p.s. DS came home exactly as your son did and I could literally have cut and pasted your first several sentences into my own post. :-)

[Sally26]

Two years ago, my dd went to preschool three days a week. She asked all the time is today a school day. Every school day she said she didn't want to go. Cried if I took into the school instead of letting them get her out at the car line, but wanted me to take her in. I quit taking her in. Every day when I picked her up I would ask what she did today and her reply always was "play, play, played". So, how could that be bad? I knew it wasn't all play because she was learning a lot of academics. I had the feeling that she would do a lot better this year if she went everyday and I was right. She needed the structure of the consistancy. She did have concerns that her boyfriend wasn't in her class and did all she could to get herself in his class and when that didn't work asked if he could be moved to her class. She did adjust to this too because they had playground and/or gym time together.

[april*rain]

Thanks to all of you for your suggestions and support.

Sally, your post made me chuckle. When I ask Ethan what he did at school, he says, "I played, played played." That's what he says = every time.

Some of you mentioned that Ethan may be better off going to Pre-K five days a week. His teacher has told me that too. She said that kids who go part-time have much more difficulty adjusting than the kids who go full-time. We have not been able to afford to send him full-time, but when I find a full-time job, he may end up doing just that.

Ethan went to school today. He cried at drop-off. When I went to pick him up, his teacher told me that he was in the "big kids" room (Pre-K) all day and that he did great. Ethan was so excited to tell me that he was in the big kids room all day. This is big, because he needs to be in Pre-K to get him ready for Kindergarten, but he has had a rough time with the transition. His teacher just got moved and will be teaching the Pre-K class for awhile, and Ethan is attached to her and feels comfortable with her, so that will help immensely.

Angelkisses, I have to admit that your post scared me. In the back of my mind, I have been worried that maybe he does have some other issues going on. It scares me and makes me nervous. But, honestly, I don't see any other signs that give me pause other than the separation anxiety at school. I will discuss with DH having him evaluated just to cover all of our bases. If there is something going on, I want to address it and help my little boy.

One of our neighbor's boys started playing T=ball this spring and mentioned that Ethan can play next year. DH is excited, but I truly feel that Ethan won;t want anything to do with it. He does not like being watched by people or feeling on display except when he is around us or his grandparents. I can't see him getting up to bat at t=ball with everyone watching. And that makes me sad, that my little boy is so shy that he will miss out on a lot of things in life. But, who knows, he may surprise me.

Thanks again for your support. It has helped a lot! And ktates, I hope things get better for the both of us and for our little angels soon.