[DelMarie]

I've been working for the same employer for 20 years and same dept for over 10. It is a large dept (over 200 people) and many of the friendships I've developed were folks with me during some very dificult ups and downs of an over two year adoption journey. The Russian program shut down ONE DAY before we were to fly and pick up our daughter-we grieved as if we had just lost a child.

Some friends/associates I've worked with have "followed" our story and often ask about our daughter and remember how she looked and how scared and "shell shocked" she was when we first brought her home. I share photos quite often. Our most recent vacation was no exception. Everyone is suprised (of course as I am) at how FAST kids grow up.

Getting to the point-I've noticed that I have started to become irritated when people ask when I will have another child. It is an innocent enough question but one that still irritates me.

My husband and I are well into our 40's and it took over two years to adopt our daughter. We are VERY GREATFUL to have her in our family and realize that we are LUCKY to have completed our adoption at all-our region was very iffy at best when we completed our adoption in 2005. The program shut down one day before we were to fly to pick up our daughter.

I know that there is really not any way possible (financially) we'd ever afford to go back to Russia even though that would be my first choice in adding to our family. I would love for my daughter to be able to attend a good college, have a nice wedding, etc....down the road. My husband and I agree that it wouldn't be wise to extend ourselves another 35-40 thousand that we don't have. We struggle with my reduction to part time but both feel important about spending as much time with her as possible-she's already 4 and we can't believe its' been 3 years she's been with us.

We've looked into the foster system but both agree that it would not be wise to bring a foster and/or foster to adopt child who is older into the home. When I have longings about adding to our family I keep reminding myself that we are lucky to have her and should be happy with our family as it is-after all we've come a long way.

Sometimes I just want to scream when I hear that comment. Anymore, it just makes me cringe!!! Don't people realize that I can't just "get a child" -its' not so easy? Don't people realize how that comment makes me feel? I usually just put on a false smile and walk away as fast as possible. Thanks for letting me vent!!!

[britfish]

I could have written your post! I know exactly what you mean. I think people forget the struggle, time, money, etc. that we went through to adopt. Its so hard to answer people when they ask me that question because I don't want to make it sound like its about the money (or lack of), but its not so easy to just have another. I mean its not like we can decide we want one and then wait for it to happen. I don't think people think when they ask that question, I know they mean well, its just that for adoptive parents there is so much more than desire involved....
Also, do you ever have the are you going to have another, err, get another, err adopt another slip?

[tigger44]

I don't really mind if people ask me if I want to adopt another child, because I'D LOVE TO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! However, I had to go to the GYN office last week for an exam and was getting very offended about every pregnant woman who paraded through the front door and was immediately escorted back for her examination, while I waited an HOUR for my turn. It was actually humiliating for me, and hurt my heart more than I expected. But absolutely no one in that office knew I was feeling that way. I guess that pain will never really go away.

[amyfk]

We will most likely not adopt again.
I do find that it is annoying(perhaps I am oversensitive), but when I am out with my daughter folks will often ask "is that your ONLY child?" I am not sure why folks feel they have the privilege to inquire about strangers' family building issues. The size of the family is a personal matter.
I dont get this with colleagues as I am now a SAHM, but I do get it often, even from store merchants when we are outside. I just try not to let them annoy me. Folks are nosy by nature I think.
Amy K, NJ

[beckyww]

99.99% of everyone we know has no clue how difficult and expensive it is to add to your family with international adoption. I think lots of folks just see it as a quaint little vacation with a walking souvenir.

YOU know what is best for your family. You owe no one any explanation or defense.

Becky
The Woodworth Family in Beautiful San Antonio TX

[Drazil]

I really do not think people comment on purpose or have any idea that they are being so personal. I really believe it is a very natural question for the most part. I have asked it myself in social situations (I have asked at the playground when I have been talking with someone) and I really think its just a way to get to know people or try to connect on some level. Even with people that have gone the gauntlet with us during the adoption, I think they are just asking and there really is no reason to think that they would remember how hard the process might have been for some. We were very fortunate that we had a great agency and a pretty much flawless process (and quick) so I speak very highly of the Russian adoption process. I believe that I have educated and passed on positive attitude about it so many people would not hesitate to ask questions. I think I would just answer (even if you tell them that its personal) and let it go for the most part, I think its just small talk.

[KellyKA]

DelMarie~ *Sigh* I completly understand. I know that people are just asking innocent questions but I dont think they understand the impact they have. People say cruel and hurtful things to me all the time and dont even realize it. The other day I was meeting with a client who brought her baby, and everything was fine, and I comment how cute he was and she asked if I had any kids and I said no. ( I should mention this is only 4 hours after we got rejected from the angency that first approved us, and I had been crying the last 3.5) And she does on to tell me about how Im so young and I should wait, and its more fun to be married for a long time before you have kids and how she got pregnant rightway.... and all I wanted to do was scream, that I had been trying for 4 years to get pregnant, that is WASNT going to happen, that my heart was set on adoption and only hours earlier I had been kicked to the curb on that.... I was just like ENOUGH ALREADY THE KNIFE IS IN MY CHEST, there's no need to turn it more while adding salt.......

Or If you mention your adopting and someone says " why dont you want your OWN baby" Or "oh im so sorry, I would carry your baby for you if I could" no thanks....

OR the one that makes me the most angry is when your around a family with kids, (usually crying inside with envy) and the mom looks at you and says " I bet this is great birthcontrol for you huh?"

People think they are funny or they think they are just harmless questions but for people who cant have children they are really offensice and hurtful. We need to find a way to educate people better. I want EVERYONE to know that I am NOT SORRY Im adopting, and is isnt somthing im "Settling for" If given the opportunity.... I WILL BE LUCKY.... but im preaching to the choir here. i think I need to make T-shirts or somthing because I am so tired of explaining it to everyone, but I dont want to sit by and just let their rude comments slip by, because they dont understand.

[karenmarq]

You know, I think that it is really about all the feelings that get stuck inside of us.

First, you have the feelings about not being able to have your own bio child and you have to grieve that and cry and write and talk about it until it is done enough to go on to other options.

Then, if you do the international adoption route and have a painful time (which we did, too) you have to heal your insides from that. Our circumstances involved some additional hurts with finances, and we are still very sensitive on that point.

After you work through your own sore parts, other people's goofy comments don't really hurt so much.

[TweetyMom04]

I wonder who ever came up with the following song:

"Mike and Ann, sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage."
Oh, if were only THAT easy. Reality check please!

We went through the phase of everyone thinking our having children was everyone's business. It hurt when the fertility treatments didn't work and there would always be someone asking, Are you PG yet? Did it work? NO, NO, NO We kept it to ourselves so it was just Family, but geez they can be just as annoying as John Q. Public! Years later, people would ask, why don't you have Children, or do you have any, I responded, can't have any. That ended the conversation on the spot. Yes, sometimes I would get the Suzy A. Nosey person that had to know why not, what's the problem. Again I responded can't have any, drs don't know why.

Now if I'm asked about having more, I respond, it is not up to me, it is in God's Hands.

Any questions about having twins or what is my day like with Twins, I respond, With God's Help. Sometimes a Mom will say "Oh Geez, Twins, Double the Trouble!" I respond, NO - Double the Fun and Love!

Try calling ahead to any Drs appts and see if they are on time. If not, arrive later than you normally would. Less time to sit and wait. If they state they are on time and after an hour wait, you see no PG'ers carted out the door via Ambulance, than take it up with the front desk. Just because you don't have Children the 'normal method' doesn't mean you are any less of an important patient.

My cousin who has a daughter via Sperm Donor Clinic is asked odd questions. When it comes to the 'Father' questions, she responds an anonymous donor, and walks away.

[Drazil]

Karenmarq, you bring up a very good point, its much more about the unresolved issues within ourselves then it is about others. Your life is what it is and you will need to grieve, vent, kick, scream, cry and then do it all again but in the end you will have to come to terms with your issues and how you will need to move forward. Its OK and healthy to do all this but it really is not up to others to adjust. You are so right in that once this happens the comments will not really mean much whether you have children or not. People are not trying to be mean or insentitive, they are not aware of the trials and tribulations that each of us have endured. I think people are good for the most part and everyone has their cross to bear in some respect.

[britfish]

I don't think because we comment on peoples insensitive comments or probing questions mean we have unresolved issues. I think it is insensitive to ask any person about having more children etc.. If you know them well enough to ask this question you should already know the answer.

[Drazil]

Sorry, I guess what I (and others I guess) were referring to was that it really is not up to other people to tip toe around others trying to figure out what they can and cannot say. Its annoying and frustrating at times but its up to the person that is sensitive (or having the problem with it) to get to a place where they accept their life and move forward, thats all. I have asked people about their children (ie: at swimming lesson the other day I was talking to another mom, that I just met on the bench while watching the lessons and we were talking about the kids going to kindergarten. I asked her if the child she was talking about was her only one. Our conversation went on from there and we spoke about having 2nd children and our thoughts on that issue.) Many people have asked DH and I if we will adopt again, its really no big deal and I know they are just making conversation, they have no idea what our process was like. Maybe "issues" is not the correct word but whatever you call it, own it and then you can move on with whatever it is you plan on doing. There will always be something that is not going right in ones life and unless you plan on staying in the house to hide everyone will have to deal with other people at some point. No matter what your situation (as many pointed out) someone will have something to say, thats all .

[britfish]

"There will always be something that is not going right in ones life and unless you plan on staying in the house to hide everyone will have to deal with other people at some point"
not really sure what this has to do w/ the topic.....I don't think anyone is planning on hiding. I think its just about irritating things people say. We all have pet peeves and that doesn't mean you have to get "over it" or move on w/ your feelings, sometimes pet peeves are just that, pet peeves and nothing more. I personally don't think its an appropriate questions to ask someone, just like I don't think you should ask dating people when they are getting married, or married couples if they are going to have kids. JMHO, and I know we all have different ones!!

[DelMarie]

Thanks for all the feedback on my post-I didn't know I would spark such a debate. For me-it is about "issues" I am trying to deal with-I come from a very large famlily of 7 and yes-it is about my grieving that I will not be able to have that large family-even though at 43 I know it probably won't happen anyway.
I also don't feel people should walk on egg shells around me-I am not explosive with them by any means. I just think that with folks who do know me well and all the difficulties I had with adoption, fertility, miscarriages, etc...(As many of you have had) that they would be more careful about saying things like-I am praying every day that you will have more children!=WHAT? I also still cannot believe that after 20 years of marriage people will still say (three years since our adoption) oh you will probably get pregnant now-like that is superior to our adopted child.
What I know for sure is that in my heart our rambunctious, spitfire of a little four year old who is also very intelligent, social, and beautiful was truly a prayer answered for us. I could not love her any more than I would a biological child-that being said I do long for her to have a sibling to play with some day-you never know.

[karenmarq]

I do long for her to have a sibling to play with some day-you never know.

Hi, DelMarie,

I have become aware of sort of "hidden way" of locating a child domestically:

Two of the women in my adoption support group that adopted domestically have mentioned that they were asked by the birthmothers if they would adopt another child (a sibling of their children). Both were not interested in having a second child.

Perhaps if you knew of an adoption group...

Anyway, as you say, "you never know."

Best wishes,
Karen