[Karen in MT]

Sorry long post... Much has been wrote about the subject of older parents. I'm just wondering if other older parents have encountered the problem I have and how they dealt with it.
Our background... A 56 yr old active and healthy DH that has never had children and wants 1 or 2 bad! I'm an active and healthy female age 51. We have been married 3 years. I had 3 children from a previous marriage. We have good relations with them. The problem mostly is with my soon to be 19 yr old (slightly spoiled) daughter. She is a good kid and a happy college student that is away at school most of the year. 2 1/2 yrs ago we started the process to adopt a young child from China. Of course we are still waiting! While waiting we are considering an older child from Russia also. My daughter cried buckets when we started the China process. I have not even had guts to tell her we are also in the process with Russia now. In front of her college friends yesterday the subject came up of us adopting. She made statements of how she does not want to be raising a child that we can't finish, (is basically what she said) I saw the potential tears and emotions being held back! We hardly have a foot in the grave. I hate the fact that there are lots of grandparents out-there raising grandchildren due to uncapable parents for whatever the reason and yet we can't consider having more children in the sight of my kids. They really struggle with it. I'm planning on telling her that we will make plans for our younger childrens future and never plan to burden my adult children. I adore my kids and I think their feelings involve much more than a fear of future responsiblity toward younger siblings. I have talked with her extensively about this subject but my declarations of love for her don't seem to help. I think she wants me to only have the 3 children I had and no more. That is not fair for my DH or myself. It is just so hard to not have them share in the process comfortably. My older daughter has come around and is anxious for something to happen for us. It will probably take time, so I vented here. Also it is so annoying that when you plan to adopt you feel that you must answer to everyone and when you get pregnant it is a private choice. It is just wrong! We rarely even bring up the original adoption plan due to the elephant in the room. Anyone else have similar troubles? -Karen

[votemom]

karen,

i think your daughter is at the age where she should not factor in heavily in your decision.

if she is attending school away from home and plans to continue to do that, you should proceed with your plans with your husband.

it is a PARENTAL decision and covenant to adopt a child.

that being said, things will go much better for you if you have the support of all members of the family.

my college daughter matured a LOT between the ages of 19 and 21. we brought our toddler girls home when she was 20 1/2. she was supportive but nervous. it had been a long time since we had little ones in the house and i don't think she could really imagine what life would be like.

she made the choice to transfer home for their first year home and it has been an amazing year for all of us. she is completely in love with her sisters and is a wonderful support to me. she will be transferring out of state again this summer and is very sad to be leaving.

since she is your youngest, it's possible she has been spoiled for so long that her maturing process will just be a little delayed.

you need to do what is right for you and your husband.

i'm curious - do you have the support of the other two kids?

i wish you joy in the journey. it sounds like it hasn't been easy so far with all the waiting and the family stress. i'm sorry it's been so hard.

my husband is almost 50 and i am 46. our new daughters keep us very tired out, but they are a complete JOY. i'm so glad we made the choice we did.

[beckyww]

I've with Votemom. This is your decision, not hers. She's tantruming - and you remember to ignore those, right? :-)

I just blogged about older parenthood. Here's the link:
The Woodworth Family in Beautiful San Antonio TX

Becky
The Woodworth Family in Beautiful San Antonio TX

[KellyKA]

Im not and older parent but I was 19 not too long ago. I agree with what everyone else has said. 19 is such a hard age especially when in college. You expected to be resposible like an adult but still have immature emotions, and things get confusing when you try to approch an adult situation without the life experiance to handle it. And what makes it worse, is at 19 you THINK you ARE completly mature. ( I know I thought I was) I agree that from 19-21 there is a HUGE change. At 19 I couldnt even feed myself let alone deal with adult decisions or emotions, but by 21 I was married and starting up my own business! Looking back at 19 when I was 21 I realize how young I was. Looking back at 21 now I realize how young I was at 21! lol and When I reach 30 I will look back at myself now and laugh too. What probably also makes it hard is that at 19 you still probably have a more parent child relatioinship, insted of an adult child/ parent relationship. My relationship with my parents has change 100% in the past 5 years and at 19 it was frustrating for everyone involved to say the least.

I honestly belive that given some time things will get better. It may not be untill after the children arrive, that she realizes she doesnt need "mommie" all to herself ( or to the 3) and she will realize and aprecciate you for you and who are are as a person ( not just a title) and everything you still have to offer both her and the new children. ie: life advice (for her) vs. cutting crust off a sandwhich (kids) It was probably around 20-21 that I realize my mom was a PERSON! and not just "MY MOM"

So like you said it will probably just take some time but Im sure things will transition smoothly.

[momraine]

If you think it will make her feel better (in other words if you think her real concern is having to raise your kids, instead of just being jelous) tell her that you are going to have a will prepared (a good idea for parents of any age) and you will ensure that someone besides her will get the kids if anything were to happen to you.

[momraine]

If you think it will make her feel better (in other words if you think her real concern is having to raise your kids, instead of just being jelous) tell her that you are going to have a will prepared (a good idea for parents of any age) and you will ensure that someone besides her will get the kids if anything were to happen to you.

[NeedsANap]

I can understand your daughter's point-of-view because I was (am) in exactly the same situation. I'm 28 now but I was in college when my parents (who are about the same age as you) started the adoption process for my little sister and I had just finished college when she came home. I wasn't living at home, and so I acted as though I was totally in favor of it (obviously they spoke to me for the home study, etc), but I was also TERRIFIED that once the adoption was final, if something happened to my parents, I'd be left with this toddler on my hands. When she actually did come home, before anything was finalized, we actually had a meeting with extended family where I was assured that responsibility for her wouldn't fall on me (or not entirely) if something happened to my parents.

And, as ridiculous as it sounds to admit I'm jealous of someone 20 years younger than me, I was and still sometimes am. I live on the opposite side of the country, I still get angry when my Mom can't talk when I call because she's doing something with sister. I felt like I couldn't say anything because I just needed to grow up and because I was being childish, and not saying anything for a LONG TIME made it into an epic battle when it finally did come out....your daughter probably knows that she's supposed to be "grown-up" but knowing that really doesn't change the feelings.

Which is not to say I think you shouldn't adopt...she'll deal with it and probably really love her new sibling- I love my sister, I'd like to adopt myself someday, but it's still a hard transition even for kids who aren't at home anymore.

[ddahl]

Don't you just love college students! They have an opinion on everything. Its the age I tell you. I swear I was once that girl! Any whoooo I would not even weigh her opinion in the matter. Its really none of her business. You would not consult her if you were swinging from the chandeliers considering having a night of wild and wooly fun either. You will make the appropriate provisions should something happen to you both but again that is for you and your husband to decide and discuss.

I would probably validate her feelings to a degree by just acknowledging them. I would ask her how she feels and I would probably just listen. Then I would ask her to keep her feelings about it to herself and not to discuss it around you like you are not even there.

I think its an example of the self help generation where our kids are being raised to think they can involve themselves in every area of parental life. I think you probably wish she would support you on this but then again you did not have her to consult when you had your other kids either and they are raised and doing just fine.

Good luck with everything. Its got to hurt your feeling a bit. Her position is really quite selfish.

[Karen in MT]

Thank you for the words of wisdom and stories. I PM some of you and hope you got my messages. Our local newspaper is filled with wonderful stories of older mothers today. The front page has a picture of a 55 yr old single mother with her two young Chinese daughters on it. It is the Daily Interlake Newspaper from Kalispell, MT if you want to read it. It is online too, I know. I have to quit living in worry and fear so much. I'm sure many of you relate. When anyone acts like I'm not capable of adopting at this age it just brings out the doupts in my own heart. I just hate that. My daughter will be okay, I know. She is wonderful. Just a scared child too, as many of you stated. We all appear so strong on the outside, but we all have insecurities too. Happy Mothers Day to all of you. I'm going to work on a positive spirit this year forward! -Karen

[linda512]

I don't advice from your standpoint, but remember being in college when my parents moved from the house I grew up in to a city. I won't bore you with the details, but I did feel like they did not hear my distress or appreciate that it was hard for me. I have a great relationship with my parents and live near them now, so I did recover. I think what is important is to acknowledge her feelings, however immature they may seem to her. Obviously it is not her decision, but at least make an attempt to understand where she is coming from, which it sounds like you are doing. Good luck.