[takingtheplunge]

Hello. At one time I was ready to go to Russia to adopt but gave up for various reasons. I am posting here b/c the people on this board always had the best advice and are understanding of certain questions that people on other boards might be judgmental about.

Anyway, here's where I need help. We are meeting a 20 month old that a widowed parent is considering giving up for private adoption. Right now the baby is being temporarily cared for by someone else, but when the parent gets the baby back, they want to private adopt to us b/c they know we are good people who will forever care for their chld. This could be my dream come true.

However, I know that the mom used meth while preg and drank "a wine cooler or two." The living parent had been pretty candid and said alcohal was not frequent at all, but the baby did test pos. for meth at birth. It was 2 days over due, 8 lbs, and did not require medical care. Again, these are verbal claims. This is all I was able to get out of the parent, casually, without seeming too nosey. I am scared to pry too much for fear the parent will think we aren't the right parents if we ask too many medical questions.

So, when I meet the kid, what types of games should I play with him to see if he is developmentally on track? Is there any way to casually measure the head? Would a face pic sent to an IA doc be worth it or inconclusive? Basically, we want to open are hearts to this kid by obviously want to know what we are getting into. And, if he does present certain conditions, we may decide he is too much of a challenge for us.

Thanks for any advice you can give.

[heikewould]

There should not be any question that seems to "nosey" that would forfeit your chance to parent this child. You need to know exactly what you may be getting into. From the sound of the post I'm assuming that the birthmom is the one that passed away. Soooooooooooo many questions need to be answered by the BF.

As far as meth use, do your homework. I do recall when I was going thru the DCF foster adopt program that the councelors all said that meth use does not do the damage that alcohol use does. It can be weened with no lasting effects in a childs life. These are hard decisions for your family. I'll send prayers your way.

[Bcelli]

I would definitely ask the father about any and all medical possibilities with respect to the mother's drug/alcohol use during pregnancy. And I understand your feelings about asking. But you can present it all in a way that you need the information to be able to provide the baby with the appropriate medical care - which I'm sure is your goal if you choose to go forward. I would google milestones for 20-month-olds and just look for those. I would also look at some milestones for slightly older and younger ages, to see if the boy is advanced in some areas and slower in others - in which case, that's pretty normal. Milestones are an average, not a concrete indicator. As far as measuring the head circumference, I would avoid that unless you get alone time with the baby. You can tell by looking at him whether he looks proportional or not. Our younger son had a diagnosis of hydrocephalus because he had a disproportionate head circunference. He doesn't have hydrocephaly, he's just got a big ol' melon that he grew into eventually. But his dad's got a big melon too so it makes him look more like our biological son! Good luck. Hope things work out well for everyone.

[Jessi_76]

I'm not sure if a photo would help or not, but I did want to wish you the best of luck!

And, I do agree with the PP that there shouldn't be a "too nosey" in this situation. I understand your fear of losing the child by way of offending the birthmom, however, I also feel that they may view you as an even better parent because of it. Asking about medical issues is something that should and would concern any parent - bio or AP. I think it will demonstrate your seriousness and your interest. A good way to do this would probably be to pepper the questions with positive comments and praise about the child as well as some "nice" questions. It will lessen the blow.

Good luck!!

[ddahl]

I would encourage you to be very candid in wha tyou ask. You are looking at accepting a child into your life. It may be the one time you get to really ask everything. Ask about health issues etc. but I would also ask about bio Mom etc. You will want the information later.

I think its scarey because you don't want them to think you are freaks asking the most intimate details but the reality is they are looking to re-home a child and you are looking for a baby. You need information and they need you too.
Good luck!

[amyfk]

I have no great advice but I wish you the best of luck. I understand your excitement and your anxiety.
Amy K, NJ

[cathvash]

If the claim that alcohol use was limited to a "couple of wine coolers" is true (and what does that mean - a couple a day, a week, or total drinks during pregnancy?), then it is very unlikely FAS would be an issue. It has been shown that even small amounts of alcohol COULD have an effect on the body, but drinking has been so prevalent in our own society for so long, and the rates of FAS are not that high... My impression is that FAS features are formed during only a few days in the first trimester - before many women know they are pregnant and give up drinking. Half of us would have FAS if the body was THAT sensitive! Of course, there is that "COULD" factor (which is why no one should drink at all during pregnancy), but it seems the chances would be remote given that information.

Google "Developmental survey assessment tools" and you will find many tools. The "Denver" tool is very good, but you have to read and learn how to administer and score it. Not rocket science but takes some effort. There are other easier tools that will give you a snapshot of developmental progress.