[amyfk]

Hi to the Group,

I am having a hard time with jealousy and with my husband.
After adopting Joanna I decided that I would really like a second child. When we were married before kids, we both knew we wanted one child, so we were on the same page. Thing is I have changed, but he hasnt. I have been trying for 1.5 years to get him to budge but he won't. Whenever he is home with Joanna he always tells me that he didnt realize how much work kids are and how he doesnt know how folks can have something like three or more kids because it's just exhausting(he is one of three actually).
Yesterday a girl in my bookgroup announced she is pregnant with her second. Today at our swim class a family signed up who were with us last year. The mom was pregnant out to here with her second child due in May.
At the bookgroup yesterday the girls were talking about being pregnant and all that and of course, I cannot talk about that--I have no frame of reference. I had wanted to be pregnant(wish I carried Joanna), but my medicine I take prevents me from a pregnancy. I got sick and ended up in the ER from trying to get off my medication to have a pregnancy.
Even though I am open to adopting a second child, my husband just doesnt want a second kid, period. Whenever I bring it up he begins with "well where do you think we'll get a kid from?" Also he tells me he's afraid of getting a kid with many special needs.
I have to say in some ways we're very fortunate. Since we became parents at a later age we have a big home, we travelled a lot(and still do), my husband does take very good care of Joanna. So there are good things too.
It's just that that desire to have another one and that big green monster reappear from time to time.
Any advice? Thanks for listening.
Amy K, NJ

[amyfk]

bump up for others to read.
Amy K, NJ

[kretzklan]

I know moms who have pushed the issue of more kids and won the "argument"...but the price is quite high. I think you must make a decision together and usually the one with more reservations wins. You wouldn't want him to spend the rest of his life with something to hold against you. However, saying that - I would be one of the parents of 3 kids that would tell you...it's not alot harder. They actually play together and can give me breaks. I had an only child for 9 years and surprisingly, I find it easier to run a house and family with all 3 of them here. You must be organized...
I would ask him to talk with you about the best outcome of more children and the worst outcome. Are his fears reality based? If so, then do whatever research you can and help him alleviate the fears. If they don't die down...well, again, I wouldn't want to have a hubby that could be mad at me for something that big - or heaven forbid, a man that won't be as open and available to his children from holding onto remorse and jealousy about the decision!
Good luck!

[Drazil]

I used to have feeling of jealousy and envy when friends and family made the "I'm pregnant" annoucements but since adopting DS in 2004 I can honestly say that has completely stopped. I guess for me it was never, ever a matter of being pregnant (actually I was never crazy about that idea to begin with). It was always about being a mother and actually parenting a child. I really have so much contentment and fun with DS and I am totally into being his mommy (everything I never had as a kid). That being said my husband is the one that has been wanting a second one the last couple of years. He will revisit the issue with me about every 6 months or so. I just cannot see upsetting our current dynamic and I love our little family as is. Its good for us as a couple and its great for DS. But I tell him to keep asking as long as he keeps feeling that way and we will see what happens, he does not push it though. We have the conversation and then forget about it until the next time its due to be discussed. This is something that both have to be on the same page about or forget it! Hope you can work through the issues and good luck!

[Scatterbrain]

I have 3 but could have 10 and still want more children. DH is DONE. No more. I tried and tried to convince him, even knowing that it would not be good for our marriage, but I could not let go of the dream of a full house. The more the merrier. Truth is though, it was only my dream--not his, and we are partners. It doesn't work if only one is in.

[amyfk]

Thank you all for responding. I appreciate it. I guess as long as my husband doesnt want any more kids it's a moot point. I am basically stuck.
Amy K, NJ

[ddahl]

Amy, I have this green monster a lot myself. My DH was saying the same thing for a long while. I finally asked him about 1.5 years ago point blank if he ever wanted to parent more children. He said yes but not now maybe a little later.

I am going out on a limb but I think its totally a cheap shot when your(or mine r any of our) husband says" Where are we going to get this kid from?", "How can we afford it" "You are the one who decided you wanted to be a SAHM" and the myriad of other commentary that is just as un-heartfelt as it comes. I had to nip it in the bud with my DH , who was commenting right along with the other DH's who comment. I just does not work for me. It hurts me and makes me sad. Life has delt me this unfortunate blow and I can not conceive on my own, I must do it on paper which requires so much more thought etc. and all along I know my DH would welcome any baby who happened to arrive via the birth canal instead of the airport. I want to rail at the heavens!!!!! but then again, my prayers were answered with my son. I sometimes have to remind myself that 1 is so much more than none, even if you always wanted or continue to want another. Something about the picture does not feel complete. I guess as a little girl we never dressed up our baby dolls and played that we had just flown home from Russia with them.
I feel what you are saying my friend. Try to talk or write a letter to him. Share from the heart. Don't issue ultimatums but really ask him to see your side while validating his feelings. I actually told DH that I know I am totally crazy for wanting more but I do! I know its more work and noise and expense but even knowing that, I just don't care, I want it, not today but soon. It was critical the my husband actually hear me and validate my feelings on more children. I was so restless until I could get that from him. Its just me but I needed that. We actualy have really come together even mre as a family since our big talk.
hugs!

[amyfk]

Thanks Dixie for your kind letter. You are such a caring person. I appreciate your feedback.
I am glad your husband is seeing your side of things and that the letter helped.
That's a good idea--I never really thought of it before, but I did it with my parents to get them onboard with our adoption, and maybe it will work with Arthur. I will have to give it a shot.
Thanks again, I do appreciate it. The past few days have been a little hard for me.
Amy K, NJ

[votemom]

your situation has to be very tough. i'm sorry.

i agree very much that adding to your family without both of you being 100% on board is not wise.

what is it about having another child that most causes you longing? i wonder if there is something you could do in your life to love and nurture a child without adopting again? i know at one of our major hospitals they need "rockers"... people who will come in and rock the babies in the hospital nursery. there are also some really great BigBrother/BigSister programs. the impact you can have on a life is really remarkable.

i hope first and foremost that you and your hubby can talk things thru and do things to nourish and strengthen your marriage relationship. that spills over and affects everything else... and it's such a gift to give your child - a strong marriage and happy parents.

parenting takes a toll on us whether you have one child or 8.

hang in there and keep enjoying your sweet girl!

[GCS]

Oh Amy, I so understand! I have been itching to go back for number 3 since we brought our 2 home. Initially we were both on the same page that we really wanted to do this again. Now DH is really not on board.

He says if I really want it we can do it, but I need him to want it too. I really need him to be on board 100% because it will be much harder bringing another child into our house now that we have ours home.

I don't really get the itch when others are pregnant, but I really do when others adopt from Russia. I just feel like we are supposed to do this one more time and that we have room in our hearts and our homes for another child.

The further we get away from our homecoming (3+ years now) the more I realize that our chances of going back are very slim now. And I have to say it really breaks my heart. I have saved everything from my other two and I am just not quite ready to give those items up yet, still hoping that maybe we'll get one more chance.

I will probably still feel this way when I am 50!

I think you are right on in saying that your DH has to be on board 100%. I'm thinking of you and hoping that this gets easier for you!

[MissDaisyofTexas]

HI Amy--I don't have any good advice but just wanted to send some hugs your way!

[amyfk]

Again, thank you again for all of your kind and thoughtful letters. I do appreciate it. I have felt this way awhile, but it sort of moved to the background. Then when I saw two women got pregnant in two days' in a row with their second, it kind of threw me for a loop. I am happy for them and I'm thankful for Joanna, but I would really like her to have a sibling and another child for us. In my area there are very few families with only children. I know I shouldnt look at what others are doing, but I feel like our family is a real anomaly here and that my child will also feel unusual that she sticks out as an only child around here.
I dont get much time to talk with my husband alone because he comes home late and puts my kid to bed late, but I will try. Maybe I'll send him the letter like Dixie suggested. Honestly I dont think he will really care, but it's worth a shot.
Thanks again everyone.
Amy K, NJ

[momraine]

Heck I am trying to talk my dh into number five, he says no number would be enough for me, but four is enough for him and enough for our budget, LOL. I would still like to do it, but I don't think I can travel again, I have no one who would keep all four of the ones I have and taking them would cost a fortune, plus my youngest is in a wheelchair and I did not find Russia very wheelchair friendly. If I talk him into it, it will have to be a country that escorts, or domestic.

[becky26]

Sorry to hear about your struggles, Amy. I just wanted to point out that bringing home a second child may not be the end to your "jealousy". We brought home our second child, and we feel so, so blessed with our children. But I must say that it still hurts sometimes to see my friends getting pregnant again. I was pregnant before our first adoption but we lost the child due to stillbirth. I still have some maternity clothes and some things for a newborn. I am still not ready to throw out the stuff. I don't think that there is any therapy for us. We just have to acknowledge that there is some pain in us. But we are also so blessed with what we have. Stay strong!

[amyfk]

HI Becky,

Thanks for the letter. With me I think it's a double issue. I wanted to have the ability to get pregnant(medically I would do the baby a big disservice if I tried...) and second of all pregnancy notwithstanding, I do want a second child. In fact my husband told me tonight that he was at a dinner and was talking with a man who is 50 and in a second marriage. The man told my husband that he and his new younger wife tried to get pregnant, but it didnt work so they are looking into adoption. My husband basically told him that he cannot believe that this man, at his age would consider starting over and adopting a baby(he has older kids from a first marriage). My husband is something else!
I see a therapist and plan to bring it up, but he did say that sometimes after seeing all these other women falling pregnant and having second babies, this hurt does naturally come to the forefront. It stinks.
Amy K, NJ