[Karen in MT]

I'm sure this is a repeat question. We are trying to make the decision on adopting one child or a sibling group of two. Are there strong advantages in the adoption of two siblings? We are older and know the risks, but can't help but think it would be nice for the children to have eachother and maybe reduce some of the risk and also have eachother as we are older. Or, could we be in for double trouble and have a match of two against us at times. We plan to be very involved parents and there are no other children in the household, except a 19 yr old home on summer breaks. We also have a referral from China pending for probably another 2 to 3 years. Not sure if we will follow through with it or not. Depends on how the Russia adoption is going.
HELP!!!! Decisions at this age are tough. -Karen

[mommyto4]

Adopting 2 children at once can be more challenging especially, during the transition/adjustment phase. Be sure to educate yourself well on attachment, adjustment and post institutionalized behaviors. We adopted 2 at once and have no regrets. The first year had its challenges but all so worth it. Best wishes!

[beckyww]

A lot of what we read and heard said that (bio) siblings adopted together had a better chance of attachment. If we'd been referred bio sisters - we were up for that.

Becky
The Woodworth Family in Beautiful San Antonio TX

[votemom]

we adopted two toddlers last summer. i'm so incredibly glad we were able to adopt them both. they are not biologically related, but were in the same baby home for the first 23 months of their lives.

the first few months is a blur - it's very overwhelming. they have now been home 8 months and it's going very, very well.

i think the transition was much easier for them becuz they had each other. i also think the transition was easier for US for the same reason.

i'm not saying it is right for everyone... it is a very big decision. but i think the key for us was that they knew each other so well.

[ddahl]

We totally regret not insisting on a second referral. If there is even a romote chance you want two in the long run and can not get them the old fashioned way then by all means do it now. The cost saving in the long run far outweighs any advantage of having quality time with just one. Going from zero to two ... you will never even notice the difference. It will be challenging either way. JMHO.

[GCS]

Adopting two at once is very difficult. Trying to attachment parent two children is a lot of work. We adopted a 3 year old and 5 month old (not bio sibs) in 2004. I would say that those first few months home were exhausting. We knew it would be hard and we were prepared. We had a lot of help.

I would totally do it again. My children are very close and very attached to us and to one another. And once you are home being able to go back again to adopt is tough. Longer trip times, 10 days not being waived, and who is with your at home child during this time? For me I would say if you can you should go for two at once, but please keep in mind that your transition is going to be very tough and set up help with your family/friends for those first few months. Catch up on your sleep now, you'll need it later!

[amyfk]

From folks that I know, those who adopted two at one time have had a bigger adjustment period and more stress. It's really a personal decision, but I think by adopting one child at a time, the parents and the child each have a chance to bond with one another without the distraction of a sibling or even possibly a special needs sibling who will take up more of parents' time.
As for an only child versus siblings, that's really a personal decision between partners.
Best,
Amy K, NJ

[Drazil]

It is a different story for each person as you well know. Personally, I could only see one at a time and taking the chances that we would only have one in the long run. I had to be able to give 100% of my time and effort to one for the best foundation and chance to have a SECURE attachment (which is a process that takes alot of time and effort). Money should never, I repeat NEVER (IMHO) play into the decision, these are childrens lives and their future emotional health in play here. You cannot do things because its easier or better for you at this point as you have no idea how you will react to one child (not to mention 2) with post institutional issues. DS was 18 months old when we brought him home in 2004 and we are only where we are because of the one on one and 100% focus I could give him. Go back and read the many blogs and stories of adoption issues and go into this with as much knowledge and eyes wide open as possible. Keep researching until you can feel your decision is the right one for the child/children you adopt. Its hard no matter what route you go and you need to be flexible with your life (yes, you may have to change major componets of your life at some point and make major adjustments) and your expectations. Good Luck with your decision.

[Karen in MT]

Thank you for all of the wisdom and experience brought to this post. We will consider it all and there are just so many considerations. It is also a matter of the heart. I'm sure you will be hearing about our decision and the out-come of all this in the year ahead. Best wishes to all of you. Each one of you have taken different paths and dealt with different issues, but most of all had the courage and heart to take this journey of loving children in need. I think you are all just awesome.
-Karen

[ddahl]

IMHO, Money does play a big factor in it always. These kids do not come home for free. I can not help but comment on it as the above posters comments appear to be aimed at me. Forgive me if I am incorrect.

Regardless of attachment, bonding and the myriad of other issues surrounding many IA it bears some consideration to look at the cost emotionally and financially of two individual adoptions.

In my opinion, if you can give two kids a home and you ultimatly want two kids you should go for it.
You should do things, IMHO, that are easier for you in the long run because you and your husband are the most important consideration in the aspect of building your family. You will reap what you sow no matter how many you bring home. Its all in your attitude. There was a post not long ago from mcanvasback of a family who brought home 3 boys at the same time and they already had 3 kids. Its beautiful. Check it out. Whatever you decide will be exactly how its meant to be for your journey. Good luck with everything! I remember when we were thinking about this. You just don't know when you are starting out as there are so many unknowns. Who knows though you could luck out and get one or two perfectly healthy and quick attaching kids. Wouldn't that just be awesome! Good Luck!

[SingleMama2B]

With only adopting one darling daughter, I can tell you, that I wish I would have done the paperwork for 2 (or a sibling group of 2). I would love for DD to have a sister or brother, but now being home for 3+ years, I cannot see going back and starting over again (i.e. costs, time from work, time from DD or taking her out of school or camp for 2 trips, oh, and did I already mention COSTS!). I did not have any attachment issues, but there are other issues.... being a single mom, I truly beleive that God knew what was best for the 2 of us. Luckily, DD is very close to her cousins, my god children, etc. My 2 best friends and their spouses, she calls "Aunt & Uncle", etc.

I have mentioned, on occassion to DD (now 11+ years old) if she would want a brother or sister, and she still emthatically says "NO". for over 5 1/2 years in the system, she was one of 100, and she does revel in our relationship. She does not have to share me, her cat, her dog, her room, her toys and her clothes! She spells this out to me whenever I ask.

Again, if you are truly feeling this, I would suggest, as others already posted to you, follow you gut, BUT do your research on IA adoptions, and the possible issues that IA Children may have!

Blessings..................

[Bcelli]

DH and I are older. We adopted No.1 son (5.5 months)when I was 41 and DH was 36. 5.5 years later we adopted No. 2 son (2.5 years). It's been a tough transition as No. 1 was solidly enscounced into the only child role, but I couldn't see him growing up and having no one when DH and I have passed. (Not the only reason we adopted again.) The two boys could not be more opposite - or in some cases - more alike. The transition from 1 at a time or 2 at once is what it is. If you know you want 2, I would recommend doing it all at once and getting it over with. It's less expensive and then they grow up knowing each other from Day 1 and the 'territorial' aspect of the transition is cut short or cut out. These kids know nothing of family life - in most cases - so having someone else around from the beginning is familiar to them. And only a 'first child' ever gets one-on-one attention, so it's not like you could do that for each of your children if they come home at different times. Mostly it boils down to expenses and what's easier on you. But it's always a personal choice/preference. God's blessings on your journey. You'll find the right path.

[kretzklan]

I am very glad we adopted two at once. They are not biologically related, but they share past life experiences. It's wonderful for them to know that they aren't the "only" ones that went through some of the orphanage things and just a plain old yucky life in general. We feel that adjusting with two was slightly easier than doing it one at a time - but of course, we never did one at a time! I would definitely do all paperwork for 2 - you can always choose to only adopt one child...but to change all your paperwork later would be a time issue!
Good luck!

[beckyww]

Yep, that's a great point, Kretzklan. We - along with many other couples we know - were advised to get one more visa than we thought we'd need. We didn't need it - but we know several who did. Better safe than sorry!

Becky
The Woodworth Family in Beautiful San Antonio TX

[randloar]

We got home 1 year, almost 1 month ago with our two (non bio related) kiddos, and as much as my hair is grayer than ever (seriously as I haven't had time to color it properly!!! ), and it has been THE MOST STRESSFUL year of our lives...........but we wouldn't change a thing!

Our kiddos are awesome and are finally showing signs of starting to truly attach and feel secure (well, the older one is not really there, but any progress is good at this point!). SO, my question to you would be how old of children are you considering as all the age brackets seem to have their own traumas and stresses? Ours are younger (2 now and 3.75 years old) and even b/t our two we are seeing totally different issues that they (and we!) are dealing with.......so I guess in my mind, I would add in the age I was open to in deciding how tough it would be for 2 at once.............not sure if that is 'valid' but does seem to make a differnce for some!

I can add that it has taken a long year to get to this point, but we are finally seeing signs of our two liking each other. Older son is starting to 'look out' for little sis, and she is really starting to follow him around and need to be around him. Wasnt' that way for a VERY LONG time, but it is happening now, and we hope that will mean something to them as they grow up (that they have this overall experience together as a team), so to us, that was one benefit of two at once.........not to mention being scared of doing all this over again the second time around!! After spending 3 weeks in Moscow in the dead of winter last year, DH looked at me after a LONG day and still said, glad we don't have to go through this again!!!

There are pro's and con's either way. We have had to work very hard to give both all the attention they need, and didn't realize just how much that would be (and we thought we had a 'clue', but we didn't!), so, once that reality set in, it wasn't so bad!

Sorry.....my edit here.....finally read all the posts.........and the money does play in, much as we don't want it to. Its not a matter of 'baby shopping' to me, but for us, the reality of finding the finances to make it happen twice vs once (at least for us that was how we saw it). To save a significant amount of money in total, and be able to decrease your family stress more quickly is a realistic component (lets be honest, many people having bio kids look at their finances before having another child, and use the costs to decide if they should.........just looking at the money at a different timing in the process!). SO, if you know you want two kids........... and the money, the second time putting the paperwork together, THEN traveling for a month AGAIN feels wrong, well that should be something to consider (in MHO......).

For us, I knew that DH would NOT be too quick to want to do that trip again, therefore, despite the tougher year it has been for us getting attached/bonded/acclimated/etc........it was worth it to have our two kiddos that we have dreamed of for years and deal with the longer/tougher transition time so that we could have the long term family we dreamed of.........just had to add that!