[boatsun]

It was three years ago today that my wife and I left on our second trip to Russia. It was an amazing journey and we can't believe how lucky we are to have such a wonderful little boy.

Now the question. John is in pre-school today and he is 3 and will be 4 in early May. He is having a problem with the other kids that I don't know how to help him resolve. John is a very social little boy and goes up to other kids and asks them if they want to play with him. His feelings get hurt and he says that they don't want to play with him.

The other kids are playing by themselves and ignore him. I may be wrong about this but I believe that the other kids are engaged in serial or parallel play while John is trying to engage in associative play which is a bit more advanced. He does play with some of the girls and usually girls are more advanced than boys.

John is a very athletic little guy who loves to run and play with others. How to I work with him to overcome this issue?

[kretzklan]

I think you are right that it seems the other kids are parellel players and he is ready to move on. I would actually talk to his teachers about their assistance is pushing forward...maybe start a group game and then allow the kids who don't want to keep playing to drift off - I am sure there would be more than just John left around to play together at the end!
As for the hurt feelings - no great answers - my 6th grader still feels hurt if his buddies say no!

[ddahl]

First off Congrats! I remember when you guys came home! Has it really been that long? My goodness!

Can you do an observation day or afternoon in his class. You may be better able to pick out others who are, and I agree with you, at the point of being able to to engage in associative play. You can encourage him to persue specific relationships.

DS is similar and pretty social. Sometimes kids just do not want to play. We have been working on saying like:

Its ok if ------ does not want to play now maybe he/she just wants his/ her mommy or a nap etc.

Tell me if you want to play later okay?

Who is going to be your friend today? Who will be your ffriend after lunch, nap etc..

He is becoming better about accepting rejection but there are those days... Good luck!

[boatsun]

I thought you might like to see some before and after pictures of John. The one where he is an infant was taken when he was 7 months old and it is one of the referal pictures we recieved. The second picture is much more recent and shows how he has grown.

John Russell Referal.jpgJohn Russell.jpg

[ddahl]

WHAT AN AMAZING CHANGE! He is still adorable and now such a big handsome boy!

[GCS]

Wow- I too can't believe you've been home so long. It seems like just yesterday.

We have had and continue to see some similiar problems with our son. He's very popular and social but often has an easier time playing with girls who are more verbal and let's say "complex" with their play.

Our boy was older when he came home (3) and I think he had a lot time to play alone and in his head. He was also obviously the group leader at his groupa. We laughed that he was so bossy and big brotherly towards all the other kids there, even the ones his age. He's still the peacekeeper and rule reminder at school so old habits die hard.

He is in Kindergarten now and still really likes to play with action figures. He can play for hours making up really complex story lines. This works well with playing with girls who are used to playing dolls, telling stories, roll playing house, etc.

The boys in his class are really more into video games (which I don't allow yet, he has a leapster and that is only because it is educational) and pokemon. These guys also can be really brutal if they don't think you're cool. I was surprised to see this.

So we got him into sports. This is a great way for boys to play with boys, get out a lot of energy and learn to be part of a team. We got him in early and now he's really good a few different things. In the end, as you know, boys like other boys who play sports well and it gives them a commonality.

Now he plays with the girls at school, plays with the guys a gym and recess and is popular in both groups. All though he gets teased by the guys still. We have helped him learn to take it in stride and to be good natured about giving it back a bit. (seriously, we actually roll played with him on this at the beginning of the year because he was struggling with some of the teasing. Now the kids who teased him the most are his closest friends).

Last year he was in Pre4 and we were at a McDonald's playing after lunch. There were 2 boys a year or two older there and he wanted to play with them but they did not. So I hear him say "hey, why don't you want to play with me?" The boy says "when you grabbed my arm before it pinched and I didn't like that."
"Ok" my boy says, "If I promise not to do that again, can we play." the other boy says yeah and they were best of pals for the rest of the hour. My not getting involved gave him a chance to work it out and I have to say I was thrilled by the result.

My advice is to let him work the "who do I play with?" out on his own a bit. Its a good problem solving lesson. Ask him not "who" he played with but "what" he did and did he have fun to take out the sting of having no one to play with. Mention to his teacher that he's a little worried about the boys not wanting to play with him. But I would tell her to notice it and not make a big deal of it. It will be harder for him if the boys feel forced to include him.

I will also say that my daughter who is your son's age is the same. She is always playing with the boys and only talks about them when we come home. I also have her in a girl only activity so she gets that more well roundedness as with an older brother her world tends to be more "boy".

Sorry for the long response!

[MamaChinch]

Wow, what a change in your cutie's three years! Congrats on the special anniversary!

It's probably a good idea to get him invovled in a few different activities that expose hime to a variety of kids at different levels and interests. Children the same age are always so very different in their development and most children parallel play until age 3 or 4. And it's hard for kids to understand that another child is not at their level yet. Delaney plays with a little girl down the street who is 4 and DD just turned 3. Last year the friend used to get upset because she thought DD didn't like her. I would tell her she didn't yet know how to play with other kids and that it would be a good idea if she showed her and helped her. Fast forward a few months and they now play house, SuperNanny, take turns with toys, etc.!
Maybe your son would feel good if he thought he could help the other kids learn to play?

[boatsun]

Thanks for all the advice. We are going to do the best we can to help him through it, but we don't want to be helicopter parents either.

John is just really advanced for his age. Physically he is amazing. In November there was a new park built near us. It has a seven foot climbing rock that looks very real. He topped that thing in no time and a week later he learned to climb down on his own. Now he is working on the monkey bars. Actually at that park they are rings held on by small chains. He can do one to three of them at a time although sometimes he need help getting the momentum to swing from one to the other. He has been able to swing by himself since late last summer. A friend of his is five and can't do that. He also likes to climb on top of the monkey bars and then grab on to one of the poles and slide down it. It's over seven feet tall.

My wife bought him the Hooked on Phonics set and he now learned most of the alphabet. It's when he wakes me up early on Saturday morning saying that he wants to learn his letters that it gets annoying. We have also been working on him learning to count to 20.

[lovestruck]

He's very handsome.

Have you thought about putting him in gymnastics. Here you have to be five to start the boys class but they do rings, bar, vault, and tumbling (boy style). He would probably excell!!

[amyfk]

Congratulations on your 3 year anniversary! You have a handsome son. I wish you best of luck with the schoolkids. I wish I had answers for you, but that's not my area of expertise.
Amy K, NJ