[mcanvasback]

ok - how do I deal with this one?

Isabella is 26 months, adopted at 9 months. I am single. She is fascinated (from a book she has and Baby Einstein) with baby animals and their Mommies, talks about it alot. In the past few weeks, she has started talking about Daddy. She will say "Mommy, Daddy, baby!

Not sure where she is getting it - she overheard her little friend at a Superbowl party calling for her Daddy, and maybe from her DVD's (Dora, etc)

She is too young for a detailed explanation, so right now I am just saying nothing, but obviously can't/won't avoid it for too much longer.

(BTW, she has a little book I made for her that is the "story" of her adoption, with pictures, etc)

Any ideas, experiences, thoughts, comments from the single Moms?

Thanks!

[thedreamer]

That's a though one, at that age I'm not sure she really is "missing" not having a daddy.( I could be wrong) It just might be that she see's her friend having something she doesnt. Know what I mean?

maybe just try to explain to her that there are all diffrent kinds of familys, and that she has a mommy, grandma, grandpa aunts and uncals, all who love her very much! At that age tho, I'm not sure how much she will understand.

Is it possible she can start calling her grandpa, granddaddy? that might help.

I'm not a parent tho, so take my advise for what its worth.


Hugs to you

[DET62]

At her age, keep it simple. Just say "there's no daddy here." you can do a longer explanation later.

Dee

[MamaChinch]

Mel.....in the same boat! Several months ago, Delaney started calling me sometimes, "Mommy/Daddy" she would do it when she'd call for me in her crib or from upstiars. Sometimes she would just say it. I never said anything, but she's always facinasticed with men and other people's daddies. I have never "talked" to her about no daddy, we just talk about our family and how we are family and that our family is me and her and grandma and Sadie (the cat). Her other family is grandpa, auntie, etc. and do not live with us. I have told her that grandma is my mommy, and Nana is my grandma and grandpa is my daddy and she gets that. She's never asked about not having a Daddy, but understands that other people do.

Well, on the day of her birthday party she said at breakfast, “My parents are coming to my party.” When I explain to her that I was her parent, she said, “parents are my friends.” So then I thought that she overheard me saying her friends and their parents were coming to the party. I further explained that parents were Mommies and Daddys. She knows what a daddy is and that her friends have dads and that I have a dad, but I have never had that “talk” with her. After my explanation, she very plainly and matter of factly said, “I don’t’ have a Daddy.” This was the first time I have ever heard her say anything about this subject!! It wasn’t sad, or questioned, it was just a statement and she didn’t ask why or anything else and went on to talk about something else. She just seems to know she doesn’t have a daddy and is happy and satisfied that her family is me and grandma and Sadie (the cat). (She knows her aunts and cousins, etc are family, too.)

I have just explained to her that families are different, some with daddys, grandmas, etc. We draw pcitures on her doodle pro of our family. Bella is younger, so simple is best, your family is you and her and the rest of family, grandma etc. live in Vermont, etc. I would not make a big deal of it since and just be factual with her and follow her lead and answer her quesrtions when they come up.

A good freind who has an (domestic) adotped son, gave me the best advice, "Answer their simple questions, simply." Her example was when her son asked if she knew the birthmom's name, and she replied, "Yes, I do." And he walked away. Then he said on another occasion, "Would I be able to meet her someday," And mom said, "Yes, someday when you are older." And he walked away. So we need to try to remember this!

Is she just talking about Daddies or asking for hers? I think it is okay for her to know there are Daddies and people have them, and be curious about them and that she doesn't have one and that's okay. I am just reienforcing our family to Delaney and she seems happy with that. So much so that one night while I was getting a snack, she asked for some, and she always says, "can I share with you?" When she git imaptient while I was getting it ready she said, "We're family, we HAVE to share!"

Okay, sorry to be so long!!!! I woudln't worry too much about it yet. I think the thing Delaney liked was drawing pictures of our family.....

[mcanvasback]

No, she's not asking for a Daddy - yet. I don't even know if she understands what a Daddy is (although she did say Mommy, Daddy, baby) she may just like saying the word.

I'm not really worried, just thinking about the "can of worms" that will open down the road. I am planning, as did Cyndi, to talk about the family she has, and explain that there are all kinds of families. But of course that's not til she's older.

Right now, I think I'll continue to ignore the "D word" !

But would love to hear more from other single Moms on this

[linda512]

My son is doing the same thing and is the same age. I got the Todd Parr book about families, and interestingly, he really doesn't want to read it much. I keep telling him who is in our family but didn't want to say we don't have a daddy. I've heard so much about keeping it positive. But, ultimately, we don't have a daddy. For now, I think he has no real idea what it means. I think it has no emotional meaning for him at this point, but obviously lots for us single mommies, whether we would like to be married or not. So, I agree with keep it simple and try not to overreact.

[cathvash]

Oh shudders... This reminds me of an experience I had. My daughter, boyfriend, and I were returning from a trip when she was around 3. We were taking the parking shuttle bus to the lot, with my daughter next to me, and boyfriend the next row up. A man a couple of rows ahead kept turning around and looking at my daughter. Finally, he said to my her "I'm sorry to stare...It's just that I haven't seen my own daughter for a week, and you remind me of her and how much I miss her." Without batting an eye, and in the clearest, loudest voice imaginable, my daughter replied "Well, I don't HAVE a Daddy!" The entire bus became silent. No one said a word. My boyfriend kinda slunk down. And then - the couple behind me began to snicker. I could feel the blood in my face, and I stammered something useless like "Oh, she DOES like to embarrass me!" It was one of those times when you think about good responses - later! I wanted to stand up and explain, but we just quietly got off the bus...

I think if I had better prepared my daughter for how to respond, and how she might feel when "Daddy" talk comes up, we all would have fared better in this situation. Now, she says "Well, In my family I have a Mama, and I also have Mark! (my boyfriend)." Although there is really no need for her to explain anything, this response sure does save me some embarrassment!

[waitinginnj]

My daughter was two when she came home and is now 6. The listing of our family members was enough for a while and she was very comfortable and okay with it. What really becomes more challenging, as they mature is their friends and their questions. The kids are inquisitive and put other children in an awkward place. You need to start to prepare the options for answers for your kids and have them decide how they are comfortable answering. The choices that we discussed, were he doesn't live here, we don't have a daddy in our house or he is in Russia. She chose to answer we don't have a daddy in our house. Then when the follow-up question comes (and it always does) - she states that it is private family business.

What was more interesting was when I realized what she was more upset about was not understanding that she had to have a daddy to be born. We talked about first families etc, but the emphasis was first mom, although dad was mentioned. She didn't connect that she had a daddy somewhere. Once she realized that she actually had a daddy, even if he wasn't around, it put her in a whole new level of comfort.

The next thing that is becoming a challenge is that her school has a father/daughter dance. I thought that it would be for older kids. Turns out that it is for all the girls, and mostly the younger girls attend. She didn't ask about it, so I just avoided it this year, but by next year we may have to deal with the challenges more and call upon her Godfather.

I can honestly say that helping C through the challenging questions was much easier than dealing with the friends. I finally had to ask one mother to talk to her daughter as it was continually brought up by one little girl.

[maddensmom]

The Todd Parr book is "The Family Book." We have it too and it helps.

[58grace]

Laina has been asking about her daddy since 2.5 (she is 3 now) and I use the we don't have a daddy in our family answer and list all the people we have. She seems to accept it but still pretends and says "i am going to find my daddy, lets go see my daddy, etc."

At some point I need to go to the discussion of a dad that exists in Russia whom I know nothing about. Not sure when that will be the right time or what exactly to say.