[dyorzinski1]

Hi everyone,

I am a new poster but have been lurking for some time. I posted another thread asking about the Russian database but now I have another question for all of you who have adopted from Russia...why are you glad you chose Russia?

My husband and I had a good, long talk tonight about adopting. We have had a hard road filled with 5 long years of infertility treatments, miscarriages, and much heartache. We are more than ready to choose a different path to having a child and are excited about the possibility of adopting. So far we can agree that we want to do an international adoption (there is too much uncertainty with domestic for me as far as timelines, if the birth mother will change her mind, etc.). However, what we can't yet agree on is which country. I have my heart set on Russia...I think it is mostly because I am a 1st grade teacher and have seen 3 families in my school adopt from Russia and have fallen in love with their kids. My husband, however, is very concerned about the rate of alcoholism in Russia...not that he is ruling it out but he is concerned about the care taken in pregnancy. He likes the idea of adopting from China where it is believed the women take better care of themselves when pregnant.

I really would like to know what you have found to be the most positive things about adopting from Russia (so I can share them with my husband). Also, I keep asking myself if the alcohol consumption issue should totally deter us from considering a country...I know many children in Russia are in orphanages due to poverty and that doesn't always mean drugs or alcohol were an issue. Plus, can't the doctors tell when the medical exams are done if FAS is a concern for a particular child? Help!!!! Would love to hear from anyone who wants to share.

Debbie
P.S. Please keep the pictures and stories of your children coming!!!! They are very inspiring!

[Aphi86]

I know at first it can all seem so overwhelming and scary. You can't fall for the stereotypes, but you can't ignore them either. I can say, for us, when we were in Nakhodka, none of the children in the baby hospital looked odd in any way. And, we had opportunities to see several groups of children come into the great room where we were to have snack. All of the diagnosis you will see will seem horrific. It is hard to tell the lies from the truth, but that is why you consult the IA docs.

I can say this, when we first got home almost two years ago, I told anyone and everyone Ava was from Russia-maybe part was my way of excusing her being small, delayed etc. but now that she is on target and making huge strides in language she just melds in with the other three year olds. She looks like my bio daughter and she matches our family. For that I am thankful. IA can leave you battleworn and at first you tell others to get sympathy for the battle you just fought and won and for the child you are just thrilled to have. But then real life keeps going and there are other things to talk about and to do. And, then maybe you don't want the adoption to ALWAYS be the focus of the conversation. I want people to see Ava for Ava not to have sympathy or pity for her. And, I do see that. Hey this kid is smart, cute as pie and super funny. But, I can see it when I tell someone, oh yeah, we adopted her from Russia. You can see a little pity look for just a second. When I don't tell many people never suspect. So, because she looks like us and acts like us, we can pick and choose who knows, and it doesn't have to be her identity.

I had to laugh today because I called her to dinner and asked I asked her if she wanted milk with dinner and she replied in the BEST TEXAS accent, "yeeeaaah aye do" I asked DH "What would Ludmilla say to hearing THAT!" (Ludmilla was the doc in Russia!)

[ddahl]

First off I can tell you that I am glad We chose Russia because it led us to our amazing son. There are many reasons that we chose it in the beginning though. Particularly because we wanted a child that looked like us. Blond hair and blue eyes. For myself, not so much DH, I had explained myself for the last time. I was just done explaining anything. "When are you going to have kids", blah blah blah. I wanted a blend in family. There was also a part of me that was so unsure about so many aspects of adopting that I really wanted what I then perceived to be "the easier road".

Flash forward two + years and I look back and I really underestimated myself and my ability to love. The truth is, I could have loved any baby, of any color, of any ability or disability. Once they handed me my son, it was like a miracle happened. My broken heart was immediately on the mend. I love him to the core of my being. I so much wanted a child that would have some of my characteristics and honestly, I could not have given birth to a child more like myself. Nature vs. Nurture... you tell me ;-)

Lastly, I am forever changed by my trip to Russia. I have seen such beautiful things, people and places and yet, I have seen some of the most horrific conditions imaginable. When you see crib after crib of tiny infants lined up it takes your breath away. Especially when you only want one or two (ok, as many as you can run out of the place with) and have for so long. You are like someone needing a drink after a long journey who has found all the water but can't get to it. It staggers the mind and heart.

Growing up in Newport beach behind the Orange curtain, you just don't think of these things even being possible. Then , there you are in your designer clothing wondering about your priorities and feeling humbled by it all. I am forever changed and for that, I am most grateful.

We worried about the FAS as well but its just so important to have an established agency working on your behalf. Ask around, pm people and find an agency that has a great track record. We are so glad we did because we now have several friends who have adopted from our agency and all but one came home totally healthy. THe one who came home sick have a pneumonia and an ear infections bad enough to be in the hospital for 5 days. Poor little thing got off the plane and onto an ambulance. 1.5 years later he is healthy as a horse.

Good luck with everything, it is very much a journey of the heart!

[MustangLippy]

"Plus, can't the doctors tell when the medical exams are done if FAS is a concern for a particular child? Help!!!! Would love to hear from anyone who wants to share."

No, this is a misconception. I may be wrong on the statistic but I think only 30 percent of FAS children actually have the tell-tale features. The mother has to be drinking on certain days during the pregnancy for the characteristic FAS facial features to be formed. Plus many of the children are small due to malnutrition and not from having FAS/FAE and delayed due to institutionalization. So you really cannot tell in many instances.

I am glad we adopted from Russia, but I don't believe it is the lowest risk country to adopt from if health issues are a primary consideration for you.

[mcanvasback]

Here is another perspective - in the "you just never know, expect the unexpected" category. I chose Russia because I loved the history and the uniqueness of the culture and heritage of the country and the, yes, I'll say it, beautiful blond Caucasian look of (many) of the children.

But, lo and behold, Kyrgyzstan chose me!

Now I have a beautiful Eurasian princess from a country I had never heard of, and can't imagine anything else! You just never know!

[kretzklan]

We chose Russia for many reasons, including some that have been mentioned. We didn't want adoption to always be the first thing people knew about our child. So, we wanted a child of the same race as us. We didn't care at all about the hair or eyes, but caucasian was important to us. Our son look amazingly like our oldest son and our daughter looks nothing like any of us...but still fits in perfectly! I love that she has blonde hair while the rest of us have dark hair and I love that her face is shaped just like a heart while the rest of us are not. It makes her so special to us.
We also wanted older children and that led us to Russia. Knowing how many older children are waiting for homes...it just pulled our heartstrings. Also, we felt the wait times were more in line with what we wanted (our process was 7 months) and the in-country times were very doable (versus some countries that require 6+weeks).
In the end, you will find a child that you will love and won't ever imagine not having them.
As for FAS, yep, it can happen...other things can happen. Adoption is an "eyes wide open" situation...you must know going in that you can handle a plethora of diagnosis. That being said, I have totally healthy children with little to no delay. I know many others that have the same thing. And those that I know who are dealing with FAS or attachment disorders - they wouldn't have it any other way!

[jeni-b]

Russia wasn't our original choice. Easter Europe, yes, partly because it is someplace I had always wanted to go and visit, mainly because I had read an article giving the statistics of what happens to EE orphans when they age out of the system. It was heartbreaking and I knew that was where we were meant to go.
OUr original country was Moldova, but it was just reopening and they weren't allowing the adoption of infants until some of the children who were stuck in the backlog of being closed down were adopted. After the heartache of IF and giving up on so many dreams I really wanted an infant. That is how we decided to go to Russia.
This time we considered other countries, but my heart is just really in Russia. I'd probably move there if DH would go for it.
As for FAS, it is a risk, but the spectrum is so vast that it could be something as minor as learning disability. Kids with heavy FAS features can normally be diagnosed by an IA specialist and I highly recommend having an evaluation done for any referral, no matter what country you decide on.

[beckyww]

We felt led to Russia. It was a God thing. I'm glad Julia looks like us, though, because that has made her blending/attaching easier. Politically incorrect, but true. And that is not hammering anyone else's family. If we'd felt led to China or Ethiopia or wherever, that's where we would have gone. But we weren't, and I am glad she's faced no major hurdles because of appearance. Like alphi86, her adoption shouldn't be the focus of every greeting, meeting or conversation.

When I draw back and look at the process logically - China is far and away the most appealing because it's the most organized. But Julia wasn't in China. We got the child we were supposed to have.

Becky
The Woodworth Family in Beautiful San Antonio TX

[momraine]

We were drawn to Russia. First we got a new pastor who had done mission work there and showed us videos of what happened to the special needs kids. Then looking for a website for a deaf friend I accidentally stumbled on a page that had photos of Russian children needing homes. I just knew that we had to go there and get one of those kids. With Poland it chose me, someone working for a charity there sent letters out about my son to several agencies. One that did not even work in Poland knew of my daughter and knew we had been thinking about adopting again and so they called me and sent me the picture. I knew when I saw it that this was my son.

[dyorzinski1]

Wow! Thank you to everyone who responded. You have given me a lot to think about. The more and more I "talk" about adopting the more excited I become. I am so ready for 2008 to be the year of adoption for us and the end of infertility treatments. In my heart I think all things happen for a reason...this is the road we were meant to take.

Debbie

[tbristow]

Why am I glad I chose Russia...my son. I would never have witnessed a 3-year-old that knew all his letters and could write his own name or was learning to read 18+ months before starting kindergarten. Was FAS a risk...yes, a fear...yes. I happen to have a now 21-year-old step-dd born domestically with FAS so I probably had a little different outlook on it. For me, a genetic risk with my age and what happened to DH in his first marriage was far more of a risk.

Good luck. It's a tough decision and one heck of a ride, but it IS worth it if that's where you believe your child is.

[MissDaisyofTexas]

Why I'm glad we chose Russia:

* Our adoption process was relatively fast (10 months)
* We wanted to adopt a child from an orphanage because I had volunteered in an orphanage in Central America and felt a special connection to the kids
* We met our amazing son in Russia!
Our Forever Family
* We have a great community of families in my area who have also adopted from Russia; also, my city has a small Russian population and we are able to expose our son to his heritage

[cmmandjam]

This is a GREAT question!

My husband and i went back and forth a million times and somehow, when the time was right, just clicked with russia. The people were amazing. The sights incredible. Oh my gosh our son is PERFECT!!! I was TERRIFIED about FAS to be honest, but kept moving forward and having faith. I believe after this tough journey (words can't really describe can they) you will find the right child, YOUR child, as we all have.

[Bcelli]

We chose Russia for a lot of reasons but mostly because of the permanence and - at the time - ease of the process. We wanted a child who needed a family. We didn't want to be in a competitive situation vying for a child, nor did we want to face the possibility of disruption. With Russia, once the adoption is granted, it's final. End of story. Beginning of new life. Both our sons, 9 & 6, adopted in 98 and 04, are bright, healthy, totally handsome and charismatic young men.

As for FAE/FAS and other health concerns, it has been my experience that alcohol consumption by birth mothers is less than many stories indicate. Some regions have greater issues with this than others. But there will almost always be some very scary sounding medical diagnoses on your referred child's medical reports. Like all of us here who have already been through the process, you have to learn how to filter out the BS and target the actual possibilities. An IA doctor with Russian adoption experience is essential to interpreting the medical reports.

Keep in mind also, that like any child born to you, health issues can develop down the road that the possibility of is unknown at the time of referral.

But as for what country you should choose, you'll know when you need to know. It just reveals itself to you. We put it all in God's hands and He ran our behinds off doing legwork, but looking at those two angels sleeping soundly and dreading returning to school tomorrow after two weeks off for the holidays, you gotta give the Man his due. He sure has it together. :-) Good luck.

[Ktates]

One of the biggest reasons we choose Russia was (at that time) it had a more definite timeline. Also believe it or not the two trips was attractive to us - I could not imagine meeting someone at an airport where they brought you your child...the two trips made us more comfortable with the process and gave us great insight into dd's birth country.

We will probably choose Russia again if finances allow because I feel more comfortable with some of the ethical aspects of the program than other programs. As long as someone is visiting the child, they will not be placed for adoption - so if there was another family member that cared about the child, but couldn't raise the child, the child probably wouldn't be adopted out. I didn't want to adopt a child that a family member wanted to keep but couldn't...if that makes any sense...

Someone who taught briefly in St. Petersburg told my in-laws that all the orphans have FAS....that's the kind of ignorant statement that doesn't help anyone - but because this man had been to one orphanage - my in-laws believed him over all the research we did....My daughter has not indicated any signs of FAS or FAE so far (at 4 years) - there are no guarantees of course - but I also think people perpetuate such an idea without really understanding what they are talking about. Do your research on all kinds of possible medical diagnoses to find out what you are comfortable with (Hep or being positive for Hep B or C antibodies can also be quite common so you may want to research that as well).

We went to a seminar put on by one of the big IA docs in Boston and it really made us feel better about things - one of the things she said was you have to consider the whole child - not just their picture or just their medical records...

best of luck