[angelkisses0102]

I don't know if I will get much (if any) response on this forum and this subject honestly...I am going to post this elsewhere because I know I am not alone and right now, I need to see that. I have started posting this so many times in recent weeks and then thought 'why bother' since very few people talk about it.

But today is different for some reason. Might just be the season, probably just my hormones but...I need to get this out there.

For those of you who understand and I know you are there...please share your story of your surprise special needs child. You know, the one who was supposed to be 'as healthy as possible'....the one the agency said was healthy, the one the IA doctor said was low risk. The child who had low risk factors...the great first family...the wonderful orphanage...the region known for having super referrals...on and on and on.

I am one of these moms...the mom to a suprise special needs child. I would love for other moms and dads to talk about this if they would. It happens, a lot more than is talked about on general forums and every PAP needs to know this...that it can happen and that you can survive and actually flourish.

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I will admit I have been struggling as of late...lots of self pity and anger that *my son* has to struggle so. I guess it is fair to say DS has regressed a bit and while I know it it temporary...it sucks and I hate it for both of us. I just hate seeing my little guy struggle with what seems like everything some days. His impulsivity is just not getting better and it scares me...anyway I have been trying to write something to be posted at another site for a while now...this is what I have come up with. If nothing else...writing it was therapy for me. And of course it is very long....what a surprise!

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A Surprise Special Needs Child…

I will start with qualifying this… I love both of my children more than words could ever express, I do not regret either of my adoptions, both of my children are very special in their own unique ways, and I thank God for blessing me and my family with the experiences and knowledge gained through our two journeys to Russia and once home. I have grown in ways I never thought possible and am truly honored to call them my son and daughter. I believe most of us who are in this boat feel the same.

But this has been something I keep meaning to talk about… as the mom of one of the above mentioned children…a surprise special needs son.

So often we all read and most of us have said, I want a healthy child…I do not feel adopting a special needs child would be in the best interest of my family or the potential future child. Then we turn around and adopt from Russia…a country with a high rate of alcohol consumption, a high rate of true alcoholism, a high rate of poverty, a very different attitude and belief system in regard to pregnancy and raising children, a cultural bias toward orphans…a country that spends just one single penny per day to support the children we adopt. We adopt children who are from orphanages, who if nothing else suffer from passive neglect and in many cases outright abuse and neglect. Often these children were unwanted from conception, suffered prenatal abuse and neglect. These children are under stimulated, under or malnourished, have medical issues…both known and unknown...they are delayed…the list goes on and on.

In other words…all the kids have the very real potential of being special needs. Yet, it so often goes un-talked about. It is so much easier to talk about the happy ending. But it is very important to talk this openly and honestly.

I’ll share our story now…the ‘happy ending’ one and the ‘surprise’ one.

In February 2002 we were referred a 6 month old baby girl who was a high risk and very sick little girl…even though we had requested a healthy as young as possible baby. At that point age was very important to us as well as the fact that she had been voluntarily relinquished at birth and was already available for adoption…so she was referred to us. She was hospitalized…very tiny…very high risk and those horrible 9 pictures we got somehow won over my heart. We accepted her referral without even consulting an IA doctor…we did arrange for Dr Downing to travel from Moscow to Siberia to examine her. However, the minute she was brought into the room on our first trip…she was ours-regardless of what Dr Downing had to say the next day. He was now being used for us to try to figure out a plan of attack once home. Somehow this 11 pound almost 8 month old was not delayed but advanced; she was a survivor and more importantly a fighter. She was very ill…much more ill than we knew at the time…she had bladder, kidney and lung issues…she was malnourished and on our 2nd trip 14 weeks later had not grown or gained any weight…nothing at all. The judge in the region did not understand why we would take ‘such a sick one.’ ‘Why not let her die and pick a healthier one.’ We had to fight to be granted the adoption.

In the end the adoption was granted and to make a very long story short…our daughter was dying at the time of her adoption. But major kidney surgery, a stint in the PICU, and some of the strongest antibiotics known to man saved our DD. And once she healed from that surgery…that little girl only moved forward. She was the easiest baby, toddler and child and until this year…showed on ill effects from that first year of life.

So, in late 2003 when we talked about adopting again we REALLY wanted a healthy as young as possible baby…again already off the registry and voluntarily relinquished…another little girl. So in December 2003 we were referred a 4 month old who met all the criteria except one…she was a he. We had him evaluated by a top IA doctor because after our experience with DD…we really wanted to avoid having the health issues and hospitalizations since we already had a toddler at home. He was listed as ‘a low risk, happy and healthy but skinny’ baby boy by this well respected IA doctor who determined this from the decent medicals we had gotten and the two videos (about 9 minutes worth) we had sent him. This child was in a great region and really had a good background…zero red flags.

I will spare the all the details…but this child was the exact opposite of what the doctor found…well he was and still is skinny. My baby boy was placed in my arms for good the day after he turned 8 months old. For the next 2.5 years we fought and finally can now say we won the attachment disorder (not attachment struggles or issues but AD) battle…and he has been home 3.5 years. The first 11 months home our son hated his father…he screamed as if he were being tortured if his Daddy came near him. In fact he screamed unless I and I alone were holding him. That first year was a living nightmare…it was hell on earth. The next year just sucked. Yes, my baby who was just 8 months old had severe struggles on the attachment front…any child can have attachment issues…even babies adopted at birth. Living with and healing an attachment disordered child sucked the life right out of me. As I have stated many times…it is like being pecked to death by a chicken…lots of little behaviors that make you nuts. It’s not the big issues that get to you; it is the constant, daily battles over and with the little things. Many days I thought ‘what have I done’, ‘why me/us’, ‘I don’t even like this child how can I ever really love him’ and many other things I am ashamed to admit.

We found out on his first doctor’s visit here that he has Nystagmus (an eye condition that typically causes the children to be legally blind…with no cure or treatment), he was hospitalized in the PICU for a week 10 days after coming home, he was very sick the first 23 months home…had several surgeries…literally was at the doctor’s office several times per month…didn’t sleep through the night until he was home 23 months.

He is now 4.25 and is labeled significantly developmentally delayed… has severe speech impairment…and he has sensory processing issues as well…all of which took over a year of fighting to finally get the right diagnoses. We do not know the full story on his vision but he is able to function in a normal sized-well lit room and he has very poor night vision…who knows how that will impact his life as he ages.

He is in a special needs pre-K right now…6 hours per day…5 days per week. Plus additional speech and occupational therapies as well as some visits to the psychologist earlier this year. He will not be able to enter a mainstream kindergarten next year…but I thank God that our school district has a great special needs program…something the vast majority of families have to fight tooth and nail for or pay out of pocket for. However due to our financial situation I also don’t know how long we can keep him in this school and thus this great program. In our huge school district…this one single school is the only one that has this specific program that is actually helping him.

The impact of this has been devastating to every other aspect of our lives…my DD has suffered immensely, my health has been damaged by 2 years of sleep deprivation, our finances took huge hits due to my son’s inability to be in day care (and thus my inability to earn any income) and the out of pocket costs we have incurred trying to help heal him, and finally my marriage is beginning to look as if it may not survive...

I worry about his future, a lot. I worry that we have not gotten to the bottom of his issues…I worry that the next diagnosis will be the dreaded alcohol related one…FAS/FAE/ARND/ARDD or whatever other group of letters. I was and actually still am able to look at my now 4 year old and say everything will be OK…but OK has taken on a whole new meaning now. I know that my son will have a different ‘normal’ than most kids…I know different is OK but some days I don’t want to have to remind myself of that. I just want to be normal, not for me…but for him.

Usually I am OK with this twist of fate…but some days, like today, I am simply angry. Why did it have to be me, why our family, *why our son*? Why does my child continue to have impulsivity issues? Why do I get a knot in my stomach every day when I open his folder from school to see what today was like? Why do I have to know all about IEP’s, attachment disorder, sensory integration, fetal alcohol issues? Some days are still so difficult and I often wonder when will it ever get better? Or worse yet, what if it never gets better…what if these are the best days right now?

Of course, after typing all this…I look up at a picture of my little boy and see his quirky, happy, silly smile, his beautiful blue eyes full of love and happiness, and my heart aches to get home and hug him again. My little guy has overcome more in his 4 years of life than most people face in a lifetime…and you know what he is happy, he is loving, he is my son and I am his mama. I get his hugs, his kisses…I get to admire his strength and perseverance…to see what it truly means to enjoy life. Yes, it was a surprise to suddenly be thrust into this role…but I have learned so much.

My special son has taught me so much about life…I appreciate so many simple things that before him I honestly took for granted. I have learned that a hard earned giggle was worth 500 sleepless nights…that the river of tears we both cried would suddenly be forgotten the first time he told me he loved me…that the hands that once bruised and bloodied me would soon be replaced by the gentle strokes of love and my heart would melt at his touch…the eyes that once avoided mine would suddenly look deeply into mine for approval. I have learned that every battle will be won…we may not have the victory we initially desired but we will find a way not to lose. I have learned that being a mom to a special needs child, while very difficult at times is truly a labor of love. The harder we fight for each success the more we savor the victory. The further we sink into temporary despair the higher we get to soar in joy. That the hundreds of days that I never thought we would make it through are now replaced with time passing too quickly when we are together. That the baby I struggled to even like fills my heart with more love than I ever thought was possible.

Adopting a special needs child was never my intention…it is certainly not right for every family…but every family that adopts a child with so many unknowns needs to be prepared for the very real possibility that their ‘healthy as possible child’ will in actuality be a very special child…whose needs are above and beyond the norm. That different really is OK. It is just different.

International adoption is as Forest Gump once said…” Life is like a box of chocolates... you never know what you're gonna get.”

[momraine]

I think it is a topic that needs to be talked about. I really can't comment as I asked for special needs kids. However, my last one turned out to have more special needs than I had planned. I can deal with physical disabilities, but was not as prepared as I thought for emotional ones. My son was diagnosed with RAD, and that was a blow, but I would not trade him for anything, I love all my kids just the way they are. We have grown stronger as a family through dealing with both the physical and emotional special needs that my adopted kids had.
Also the truth is there is no garantee in giving birth either. My oldest bio son has aspergers. I was totally careful during my pregnancies, I did all the right things, no drinking, no caffeine, no heavy lifting, all the vitamins, etc. I was good and careful and I still got a child who had a special need. I have many friends who also gave birth to special needs kids after doing every thing right during pregnancy. So it surprises me that people expect a garentee in adoption when there is not one in giving birth. It even happens when people adopt perfectly healthy newborns domestically. Sometimes there are special needs that are not visable right away. While it is true that some parents are decieved into adopting special needs children beyond thier expertise, and I would never condone that and think those agencies should be out of business, I do think that parents need to be prepared for the possiblity.

[heikewould]

I agree with momraine in all her comments. Life is and adventure and there are no set rules. Each of us have our cross to bear.

Angelkisses, I am sorry for your pains your feeling. I at times have not agreed with your posts but, your passion, love of and for your family is obvious. It's all incompassing. I would hope that you seek some therapy for yourself and your husband. Talking things out to a third person will do wonders.

You are in my thoughts and prayers

[Kate'sMom2B]

Angelkisses, thank you for sharing your story. Sometimes you just need to get it all out...the good AND the bad.

I am going to PM you.

[kretzklan]

Your post was very well written and obviously, totally heart felt. I have followed your journey for a while now and know that you have gone through a lot. I agree that people need to know the "what ifs" and that you have seen both sides of the coin. I hope others will share their stories. I also hope that PAPs will see that there are many stories of well-adjusted, happy children that come from institutions. And, as in everything in life - you never know what you'll get - we can all just hope and pray that every child comes to a parent(s) that love and cherish them through any issue that arises (as you have with your children)!

[karenmarq]

Hi, Karen,

I just wanted to say that I've put in some prayers for you.

You have been so helpful to SO many on this list and I am really sorry to hear that things have gotten harder for you again recently.

All the additional responsibilities of the holiday season have probably added to the family stresses.

My youngest brother (now an adult) had special needs, and I saw the extra attention that my Mom had to extend. With her help, he was able to graduate from high school and attend technical school. (He still lives at home at age 35, but he has a job and a car and coaches soccer and is active at the church. He even was a big brother to several young boys.) You just don't know what God has planned for your little guy.

I am also saddened to hear that you and your husband are having problems. I hope that the Christmas season can work some magic for you all.

Finally, you have really extraordinary skills in writing and perhaps God has chosen you ON PURPOSE to have this special fellow in your life to communicate about and help others.

Blessings,
Karen

[justmp]

We are one of those families who adopted twice and the first child came home healthy, happy, and life was sweet and easy.

Our second child came home with issues, and while I love him more than life itself, and I wouldn't for one second change the fact that he is our son, I have at times envied those families that don't have to go through what we've been through.

I never wanted to be the mom that spends half of her time running her son to therapy sessions and the rest of her life worrying whether or not he'll ever be "normal" and wondering what the financial impact is going to be when we reach our insurance limits.

It's all been 'do able' and I feel so blessed to have him in our lives. It scares me sometimes to think about the fact that if his referral would have given us a glimmer of what was to come, we probably wouldn't have had the faith to make him our son, and boy...we would have really missed out on a great kid!

[angelkisses0102]

Originally Posted by justmp

It scares me sometimes to think about the fact that if his referral would have given us a glimmer of what was to come, we probably wouldn't have had the faith to make him our son, and boy...we would have really missed out on a great kid!

We were talking about this at another forum as well...so many of us said this exact same thing. It was known and documented in our son's original medicals that he had nystagmus...yep the word nystagmus was right there for all to see. On the medicals we got it was NOT there...in the video we got, it was NOT yet evident as nystagmus usually takes a few months after birth to become visable. In court it was mentioned that he would need glasses. It was not until well after we had gotten the diagnosis at home that I looked at his original documents and saw the nystagmus.

While I want to believe we would have accepted his referral if we had been told the truth...I am probably giving us too much credit. So in a way I am extremely thankful that it wasn't in his medicals or like justmp mentions above...we would have missed out on our great little guy.

Someone else mentioned sometimes we don't get what we want...we get what what we need. And I guess we really needed our little boy in our lives.

[randloar]

angelkisses, your story was so well written thanks so much for sharing your experience, thoughts and feelings on it all. We are too recently home to 'know' what we will be dealing with as our two grow up, so I cannot contribute to your thread other than to give you my best and thanks for sharing your story.

I do have a friend who over the course of her life has endured more hardships than the average person, and her take on life mimcs what you said........she also says we are only given what we can handle to take on in life.....that being said, your honesty and openness about the difficulties and the joys of your relationship with your son is likely what is keeping you strong and moving forward! I can only hope to partiallyl as well when confronted with difficulties of my own as you are doing now.

[GCS]

Its hard to know how exactly to respond to this thread. I don’t really think of our child as a special needs child but he definitely qualifies as such to many (including our PediNeuroPsych). Its not that I am against the label, I just find it so limiting.

Our son was 3 when we adopted him and very healthy with the exception of some serious infections in his teeth. We had our 10 days waived in country because his infections had begun to affect his heart according to the in country doctor and he needed immediate doctors care. We had 11 teeth pulled 10 days after we returned from Russia – just long enough for the antibiotic to work and calm the infections before surgery. He had giardia and was malnourished. Not officially Rickets but according to the doctor we were pretty close.

Today he is healthy as a horse. I would love to have his immune system. He never gets sick, not even a cold. He loves fruits and veggies and has a great diet. Not so excited about sweets. He is strong and is the youngest person on his traveling gymnastic team. He is in Kindergarten.

He definitely displayed signs of PTSD when we came home. He was terrified of something happening to me and would stand in front of me when there was any hint of what he perceived of as danger. He had bad dreams, regressed in bed wetting and tempered often when he was confused or out of sorts. He easily became overstimulated. We attachment parented and tried to keep his world small those first months home. I quit my job and stayed with him full time. I felt isolated. I was afraid for him. What would his life be like? DH and I had many “what did we get ourselves into” conversations. It was a tremendously difficult transition for all of us. I rarely slept and was hyper vigilant all day with him. I walked around like a zombie much of the time. My friends did not understand what I was going through. Things being said like “oh, he’s 3 all 3 year olds have temper tantrums” when my child was trying to bang his head on the cement floor because we had to leave the pool.

He learned the language quickly and we tested him through Early Intervention. He flew through the tests with flying colors. We enrolled him in school at 8 months home. No teacher had any issues with him. He was smart and right on schedule. But we knew things were not quite right. His attachment was becoming very strong and the signs of PTSD lessened. He started to agree with us when we told him he was a good boy. He was becoming more secure in his place with us and more confident in himself. He has always been a happy child. It is hard to imagine such a content (joyful even) child displaying such out of control behavior. He would not ever speak of Russia and would push away pictures of the orphanage.

We had an FASD evaluation done by a noted IA doctor who specializes in FASD. She could not conclude he was on the spectrum. We eventually and after much debate between DH and I had him tested by a PediNeuroPsych. Since he did not qualify through EI and the schools had no problems with him – hence no IEP – this was out of pocket. We were fortunate to find one who had an adopted son from Russia. Her evaluation was very thorough. She diagnosed him ADHD, likely FASD and definitely SID. He was 5 and half then and we were not looking to move forward with the ADHD diagnose but we had it in our back pocket to push for an IEP if it was needed. Today he has been seeing an OT for his SID for 6 months and a speech therapist for his auditory processing issues as a component of his SID for 6 months. He has come a very long way. He goes to Catholic school (which our therapist didn’t think was the best plan for him, but we’ve been very happy with them thus far and it is a great program in our area.) He does very well in school and his teacher does not think he will have problems moving forward. He wears a weighted vest to school 4 of the 5 short days they are there. He goes to an after school program 2 days a week now that I am back to work part time. He has good friends and play dates and is very busy. I wonder how things will be for him in 2nd, 3rd, and then later grades. I wonder if we will be medicating him for behavior at some point. I worry that his over zealous behavior towards others that is so sweet and endearing now will isolate him from others later when it is less age appropriate. I used to worry a lot more. I’ve made good strides in giving it up.

DH and I had a really tough time in our marriage when it came down to getting the evaluation done. It took almost a year to get us on the same page. But once we got there it’s been good. I think for us having Big Boy in our lives has made us stronger. We really partner well now with him and we complement one another on the strides our son has made. We both regularly tell others what a good parent the other is and how much the other has done to get him where he needs to be. We’ve lost a lot. And our expectations are different than they might have been before adoption. We don’t know what the future holds for our children and have learned to try and take issues as they come. We’ve also had to give up some of our dreams for our lives. I do not get to parent as I had hoped to. He needs me to be more rigid and structured with him. I know that many people think I am too strict but I have learned that this is what he needs. I would like to be that Mom who could just take her kids out randomly and not have to worry. Not have to drive to therapy every week. Not have to regulate her child’s diet and sleep schedule to keep him consistent. It’s a lot of work being his mom. But the payback is huge and I wouldn’t change a thing. I think that he’s an amazing little guy who is going to have a very special life. I really believe that he touches people in a special way.

So, I really want to do this again. I am of the mind who better than us to adopt another 3 year old? DH is only on board because he knows I want this. I need him to want another child too. So we’re giving it another year to see if we can get on the same page. He knows how hard it was and now that things are so much easier it’s tough to go back and start again.

Yes, we have another child from Russia who I did not mention at all here. This thread doesn’t apply to her today. But who knows, from everything I read and hear in a year I could be telling a very different story. It’s like Ally McBeal said about being single. Everyday is Christmas Eve. You never know what’s going to be under the tree tomorrow. I think that people who feel that parenting PI kids is no different from parenting bio kids do not get that we have this constant lingering concern about what tomorrow might bring for our children.

[mom2M&A]

This is a great thread. I think the more educated PAPs are about the potential issues, the better parents we end up being to our kids. We have 2 great kids, adopted a little older (3.5 and 5 years), so we were sort of prepared (as prepared as reading makes you) for the issues of kids institutionalized for almost 4 years. The thing I wasn't prepared for was the total lack of support from the public schools when our kids got into school. But we're working to find a more nurturing school for our kids.
I think we need to fight ourselves to not deny the problems our kids might have. I know it took me some time to admit my older son needed extra help. Everyone told me he's just a boy, but I'm glad I put aside my feelings that I needed my kids to be "normal" and got him help. I see other parents in the adoption community in denial, ignoring behaviors and I'm afraid they and thier children will end up suffering in the future because of it.

[trnews71]

Karen,

As a mom of a special needs little girl I know how you feel... We have strugle too with some attachments not directly towards me but to DH, youngest DD and my mom. We have taken my oldest DD to theraphy and we were told in her mind a family is just her and mommy..

My oldest DD is as bright as she can be...this is a girl that we were told she was delayed, had FAE between other things...

She has been home for 10 months now, above the 88% of her class has learned english beautifully and is not delayed neither have FAE. She does have some health conditions and needs her theraphy now.

It is hard...very hard for all of us in the home and in school...and I hope and pray it will all work out.

Carla

[cathvash]

Karen, I feel as if I struggle every day, and my children (knock on wood) continue to remain the "healthy as possible" ones..! I agree that international adoptive parents always have that extra fear - I am always in "high alert" mode, looking for signs of FAS, AD, ADHD or other signs of something gone awry. So although I don't share your plight as a parent with a "surprise special needs" child, I could some day, and know that very well.

You inspire me! I know you have been through the wringer, but you must give yourself some credit. It is amazing what you have accomplished with both of your children! Imagine the life they would be leading, those "special needs" still in place without your love and support to help them go as far as they can to overcome. At least one, and perhaps both would not even be alive today! You so obviously love your children so much. This love is going to take them to the highest potential they have. It already has.

You have done this at great personal expense, and perhaps it's time to take a break from the intensity of it all - somehow. I think you write so beautifully and also think that you can really help others through what you write and share. You have said you find it therapeutic as well... I don't really know what to say, but if you find it therapeutic (and not a way to focus your energy on the negative), then you should write as much as you can! Your kids are doing well - I know there are backslides, but if you look at the overall movement, it paints such a positive picture. I am worried that you will burn yourself out if you don't take a "time out" for yourself somehow and start focusing some energy on YOU.

I will say a small prayer for you - that your Holiday season will turn things around physically, emotionally, and financially for you, your husband and children, and that you will find some time for peace. It is time for you to reap the greatest possible enjoyment from the seeds you have sown.

Thanks for sharing with us all your story of the ups and downs with your surprise special needs child and his sister who has achieved miracles! May God bless you this season!

[proudmommyof 2]

Been kind of busy, but I've been around...

With Dennis, we wanted the young as possible, healthy child, and he was. Now, at almost 7, he's in first grade and is being tested for Learning Support (spec. ed.). He's come this far without trouble because I've always worked with him on school things so much. The thing is, I can work with him until he's blue in the face, but he can't apply it. However, when we got the news this year that he might be learning disabled, I took it pretty easily. Even dh, who dug his heels in that nothing was wrong with Tommy for a year, got on board after we had a few fights. Another teacher gently told me that Dennis' good scores until this point were my good scores, because everything had been memorization and coaching. I don't consider him special needs, though. He may be on the very very lightly affected FAE spectrum, or may not. I think he'll be diagnosed with dyslexia, and already has been with ADD. See what I mean about being busy lately?

With Tommy, we wanted a young as possible, healthy child. We received his referral and waited in the 04/05 holdup for 4 months to even meet him. Right before we left, our agency called and said something was wrong with his legs, maybe cp. They asked if we'd like to meet 2 other kids while we were there and pick. No, reallly, they did. I told them, no way, I'm going to get MY son. It was a leap, and it was scary. Fast forward 3 years. It wasn't cp, it wasn't hip dysplasia. It's pretty severe FAS. And I have to say, he's been the greatest blessing ever. I'm so tired, because I work all day, then we run to therapy, then practice his assistive tech (he doesn't speak yet). I worry about him not being potty trained (he's almost 4). I worry about him not having friends, I worry about his future. But all I can do is love him, love him, love him with all my heart. And he loves me with all his heart. God made him extra lovable so that his teachers love him even though he's more work. He's in a 4 day a week spec. ed. preschool.

Claire was no surprise special needs child. We knew she had cp. It's funny, b/c originally, that's what we thought Tommy had. She uses a walker, and is starting on crutches. She'll be 5 soon, and I traveled to Korea to bring her home in June. Cognitively, she seems great! She has delays that you'd expect. I have to say that everything is harder to do, because you have to carry Claire, bring her walker, hold Tommy's hand (he will walk in front of cars, run into danger), and keep an eye on Dennis. We are definitly a unique family, but we are just as we were meant to be.

My only lament is that I have trouble finding activities for kids with special needs in our area. We have trouble finding friends, becuase parents with "typically developing children" just don't get it. It's not their fault, but they don't. I find that people either overcompensate to show that they think Tommy and Claire are "normal", or they pity them. Neither of those makes me comfortable. dh and I are actually thinking of trying to start a local group of sn parents and organizing outings for the kids. Sort of a Special Olympics junior thing, without the volunteers who are there to get service points.

We are with the kids who were meant to be with us. If Claire could walk, she wouldn't have allowed me to carry her around for months and possibly wouldn't have attached as securely with us. Perhaps she would have been adopted by another family, when I am her mother and we would have both known something was wrong in our lives without each other. If Tommy could talk, he'd probably be a smart mouth and wouldn't be so darn lovable.

I guess what I'm saying is that having a surprise sn child is hard, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I sometimes wonder what Tommy and Claire would be like if they didn't have their disabilities. I think they'd be much like they are now, except walking and talking and a little further than they are developmentally. I don't know what the future holds, but right now I have 3 little angels that I love with all my heart. And our marriage had its rough spots, especially when dh wouldn't accept that something was really wrong with Tommy besides being "behind", but now, we have the bond of these kids that other couples can't understand. We've been forged and bonded in fire.

Besides-I tell me dh neither of us would ever find someone. Can you imagine? Hi, I'm Katrina. I have 3 kids. One's dyslexic, one has FAS, one has cp. Want to have a drink?

[angelkisses0102]

Thanks to all who have posted...

Katrina~
Just an idea, but I have found great support from the moms of DS's classmates...all bio kids who are special needs. And yes, I'll have a drink!!! And thank you for sharing that you did have rough spots in your marriage but you made it through...I am hoping I may be able to say that one of these days as well.

Karen