[ready2adopt]

Karen,

(((((HUGS)))))!!!!!! I wish I could write as poignantly and eloquently as you, because if I could I would say something that could make you feel better... What I can write, is that you are clearly a hero/warrior/angel in my book (and I'm sure in the books of many others on this forum...). Your support for all of us has been unending and your honesty in your own journey has been so helpful thru the years. You are truly a special lady - God chose your children's momma, REALLY, REALLY WELL!!!!

I will keep you in prayer during this "storm". I know you have up's and down's, as we all do, and I will also pray that your up's far outweigh your down's!!!

Hang in there as best as possible. Find a common thread with your DH, no matter what it might be, and start slowly "resewing" your marriage. Take it one day at a time, one smile at a time, one hug at a time. I know God will help you. Remind each other that it was love that brought you to where you are today, love that brought your family together. Hold onto that!!!

God bless you, Karen. Thanks so much for sharing, once again....

Shawn

[mmarshall79]

Hello,
As a potential adoptive parents this topic is very interesting to us. I was wondering if there are any statistics of what number of children that were "healthy" turned out to be special needs? I'm sure the percentage is higher but I wonder how much higher it than say the chance of having a special needs biological child?

Is this data that the agencies might collect or even perhaps a university funded study? Just wondering if anyone had any more info as to the numbers.

Thanks!
Melanie

[angelkisses0102]

Thanks again to all who shared...it really does help to know you are not alone...especially on *those* days. I know we all love our children..it just sometimes daily life is so, sooo hard and it does a mom good to vent and get it all out there.

I have been formulating another piece in my mind...but I will share once it makes it onto *paper*...a much more positive piece.

And thanks for the words of support...believe me they really do help.

Is this data that the agencies might collect or even perhaps a university funded study? Just wondering if anyone had any more info as to the numbers.

There are very few studies...I posted one about a year or so ago...but there were a few *faults* to it...but the numbers were very surprising...on the high end for the numbers. It is very hard to do studies...for a variety of reasons. Often parents do not understand that what is going on with a child is adoption/PI rlated...many professionals do not *get* teh differences between bio and adopted kids...lots going here.

Angencies do not even track disruptions...tracking something like this is along the same lines. And it is very bad for business, don't 'cha know.

The vast majority of agencies do no or little to even educate PAP's...most may have a class or maybe recommend some reading but very few truly prepare a PAP for the reality of parenting even a child who is just going through typical transitional issues...let alone the more moderate issues and forget about the severe issues. Most agency education still falls under adopted kids are just like bio kids...nothing love, a secure home and food can't cure. Very few agencies even talk about attachment, alcohol related issues, sensory issues...etc let alone offer education on what to do if it happens or where to get support.

Yes I am a cynic...but this is based on years of being exposed to agency rhetoric. Did you know many agencies have gag clauses in their contracts? Now if an agency had nothing to hide and was doing everything above board and ethically why on God's green earth would they need a gag clause.

Ooops, off on a tangent soapbox issue of mine...but no there are very few studies and I am betting NONE of them are done through agencies.

[jmchowat]

One of the problems with doing this kind of study is that the respondents tend to be people that are having problems. There are many, many adoptive families that have no problems at all and thus just drop off the radar. Consequently, studies on subjects such as these skew towards the problem cases rather than the successes. It is incredibly hard to conduct an unbiased and realistic study as the variables are so many and you'd need thousands of respondents to apply any meaningful statistics

[beckyww]

Our agency required us to a lot of reading before we went (had to do book reports, too), and also required us to sit through a 2-day (FULL days) seminar where they basically presented everything in the world that could go wrong w/the child you might bring home. I called it the 'talking you out of it' seminar. If you weren't sobered by the prospects before you went in, you sure were when you came out. We read the books they recommended, but lots of others, too, particularly those recommended by folks on this board!

Does preparation guarantee a healthy child? Never! But it sure helps you know what to look for and what to do if you see it.

Our second bio daughter was very premature. No one in my family had ever, ever had a preemie. I was dumbfounded when I found out she'd be early. Started reading a lot, though some days it depressed me so badly I could only read a page or two. The reading did nothing to prevent her prematurity - just helped us cope once she got here. No internet then - we largely read what her neos gave us, and, fortunately, it was good stuff.

I couldn't have blamed our agency if we had brought home a special needs child. I know that is not true for everybody. But I couldn't have blamed our agency any more than I could have blamed our neo for our preemie. They're our kids. We took our chances.

Becky
The Woodworth Family in Beautiful San Antonio TX

[angelkisses0102]

Originally Posted by beckyww

Our agency required us to a lot of reading before we went (had to do book reports, too), and also required us to sit through a 2-day (FULL days) seminar where they basically presented everything in the world that could go wrong w/the child you might bring home. I called it the 'talking you out of it' seminar. If you weren't sobered by the prospects before you went in, you sure were when you came out. We read the books they recommended, but lots of others, too, particularly those recommended by folks on this board!

Does preparation guarantee a healthy child? Never! But it sure helps you know what to look for and what to do if you see it.

Our second bio daughter was very premature. No one in my family had ever, ever had a preemie. I was dumbfounded when I found out she'd be early. Started reading a lot, though some days it depressed me so badly I could only read a page or two. The reading did nothing to prevent her prematurity - just helped us cope once she got here. No internet then - we largely read what her neos gave us, and, fortunately, it was good stuff.

I couldn't have blamed our agency if we had brought home a special needs child. I know that is not true for everybody. But I couldn't have blamed our agency any more than I could have blamed our neo for our preemie. They're our kids. We took our chances.

Becky

Becky~
That is a very valid point...but most agencies do nothing to prepare PAP's for the possibility that their PI adoptee may have some issues related to their previous life. And not every PAP is ready, willing, or able to parent a special child. There are many families that simply should not be exposed to the strong possibility that their PI adoptee will require special handling. All of the red flag scenarios for disruption is a good place to start, and yet every day we see PAP's going blindly into these high risk for disruption scenarios with zero prep. (Not here so much but at some of the other places I visit it is scary.)

Look at the Guatemalan forum here right now...there are agencies referring babies when even our government does not recommend starting an adoption right now and that process is practically halted. Worse yet some of these families have no clue what they are getting into and are being told their kids will be home in 4 to 8 months when no one knows if they will ever come home.

My agency withheld vital information on Alex...we did not find out about his nystagmus until we were in court and then got his orginal referral documents. Having a child who has low vision/legally blind is pretty major. So while some agencies are ethical and try to educate like yours...many many others aren't.

My agency outright lied to us about so many things...again I am thankful that our adoptions were completed but I should have been the one to decide whether or not adopting DS was in his and our families best interest.

[mmarshall79]

I happen to in the process of getting my Masters in Public Health and have worked as a Project Manager for research studies for the past decade and I am fairly surprised at the lack of data surrounding this subject considering the impact a "special needs" child can have on public health resources and not to mention the health of the parent.

I really believe that it would be fairly easy to design a study that would be, statistically speaking well powered with under 500 subjects, as long as it was a prospective study. By prospective I mean PAPs would have to consent to the study before they had received their referral in order to prevent the "only those with issues responding" syndrome. In other words this would take the help of the agencies. Now maybe I'm naive but I can't imagine that any agency would want it to be publically known that they chose not to participate in a study such as this as it would clearly look as though they had something to hide.

Of course this would also take a grant and most likely be run by a university but all these happen every day on much smaller issues. You would need to define you endpoints and how you are going to define "special needs" ect. but that's what us public health folks do for a living. Perhaps there is an advocacy group for adoptive parents that would care to pursue such a thing? I certainly would be willing to help.

[MustangLippy]

I do not blame our agency for referring us a child that ended up being special needs, however their lack of follow-up once we were home and the situation apparent was shocking.

One phone call and sending some information in the mail about giardia (really the least of our worries).

Especially shocking as during that phone call I was obviously struggling under the stress of it all.

No other follow up either by phone or by email. That was 2 years ago.

[suburbanmomgw]

[FONT="Verdana"]I love this thread. I have said for years that this forum seemed to lack honesty/reality... I have found some with the special needs section, but at first, I didn't think to look there...

Our son was 20 mths old when we brought him home 4 yrs. ago. He's now 5yrs old and in Kindergarten. This is a milestone that I worried would not be easy and yet it has been fine. "A" has alphabet soup... SID, FAS, and RAD. None of which we were really prepared for. I, too, have been writing to help deal with it. I, too, have sought therapy for myself and begun anti-anxiety medication. I, too, have felt the strain of one small child changing an entire family...not for the best. I, too, have felt that I don't like or want to be around him; and yet love him beyond measure...

I knew something was wrong after we had gotten home. Since he was not my first child, I had some idea of what typical behaviors looked like; even "delayed" and "post-institutionalized" didn't seem to fit. My persistence has paid off. We sought Sensory therapy which helped tremendously. We went to Dr. after Dr. to finally get the diagnosis of FAS. And recently found a therapist who confirms RAD and is treating us...with the all too common "one-step-forward, two-steps-back" senario.

We have an IEP, but it currently lables "A" as "developmentally delayed" and this will be up for review in a couple of months... The IEP is not really addressing his issues... the staff aren't seeing the issues... it's a battle I know we will fight for years...because according to them "he's fine"... [/font]

Attatched is a bit of my writings... If you want to read more!

[votemom]

suburbanmom - thank you for sharing what you've been writing.