[amyfk]

Hi,

As you all know my child luckily has been very good. However, now and then she gets "in the mood" to try to hurt me.
She will do things like pull my hair, squeeze my chest(not kidding), scratch my back with her nails to hurt me. When she does this, she starts to smile.
I mostly tell her that she's hurting mommy and that she has to stop. The more I tell her the more she does it. Once when she pulled my hair, I purposely grabbed hers to show her that it hurt. I have slapped her on the wrists, and I will do the time out chair. None of the stuff really seems to nip it in the bud.
She doesnt do it often, but when she does it it's uncomfortable and the more I tell her to stop it, she gets egged on to do it more and smiles at me.
Any ideas? Thanks,
Amy K, NJ

[ddahl]

Did you happen to make it out for the timer? DS was doing this at about 2.0. He occasionally tries to do it and he smiles too but its usually after wrestle mania with daddy. I have found that if I really lower my voice and speak to him like a little baby he will stop and need zero correction and he will melt right into the baby talk and cuddle.

When he does not react appropriately its time out immediately. When DS first came home, it seemed every time I handled him, I was getting hurt. It was very hard. Its hard on moms emotionally too because its something you never actually thought of while waiting for your baby.

It has almost totally subsided since he got to 3. Now at 3.5 and a boy, Daddy wrestles with him. He is learning to transition out of wrestle time and calm down which he is doing very well at.

[mcanvasback]

Amy. Here is my advice. Isabella does the same thing. Exactly. She also used to hit herself for no reason, and laugh, looking for my reaction. Then, when she was mad, (if I told her no) she would make her fingers into a claw and try to scratch me or hit me. Now, when I tell her no, she hits herself. She also used to pull my hair, on purpose, and smiles. I don't know if it's a PI thing (Bella shared a crib with 5 other babies - there must have been some pushing, scratching, hitting going on) or toddler behavior - I've had plenty of moms of bio kids say their kid does the same - maybe it's a combination of both, but here is what I found worked best (scolding by grabbing her hand and saying no no, telling her it hurts, showing her it hurts - none of that worked) I just gently take her hands away and start to stroke her, saying, nice, nice, gentle with Mommy, nice, nice. It took a while but the behaviors have definitely lessened. Last night when we were rocking she reached for my hair and I know she wanted to pull it so I started the nice, nice, and she rubbed it!

I'm sure she will stop soon. Try not to worry.

[bmarsicano]

My daughter does that also, especially at church when I can't really do anything. She knows she does wrong and smiles after she does it. Then she says nice nice and runs her hands down her face. I'm hoping it will stop soon. She does get time outs if she keeps doing it when I tell her to stop.

[momraine]

Part of it I think is a developmental phase. They hit the phase where they realize that mom is not a part of them, and that other people have feelings too. Kind of silly to us but that's cause we dont' remember making this discover, so it feels like we always knew it, but we didn't eitehr. So some of it is experimenting, and testing. It's a new power to them, "I can hurt an adult!" What I always did was to take thier hand, firmly but not hurting them and say in a quiet serious voice, "no". Nothing else, just "no". All of mine stopped pretty quick when I did that a couple of times. I hold onto thier hand until they stop trying and then I watch for a few moments, and if they reach toward me again, I grab thier hand again. Then I hug them.

[CarRanVA]

My son used to do this. He was adopted at 3 and is now almost 5. He would pull my hair or kick me or try to scratch me. It was always in weird situations like when other women were around that were giving him attention, or someone spoke Russian to him. For me I really think it was when he was afraid of losing me so he was trying to push me away. I used to hold him like a baby after he would calm down to give him some comfort. I hope your situation get better soon.

[Waiting2Be]

Oh my DD does the same thing, she is 3 and has been home for 1 1/2 years and it hasn't stopped but at points has gotten worse, and nothing has worked, we have tried everything. Whenever we tell her no or when she is even playing, she gets rought, and this is when she does it, she pinches, pulls hair, bites and tries to scatch you with her nails, she now has been doing it not just to us but a school to her friends and teachers. Last week she bit her teacher, and pulled a kids hair. We are at our wits end and really do not know what to do to stop this behavior, so any suggestion that anyone has that can help Amy and others would be welcome.

[MamaChinch]

It's hard feeling like your child wants to hurts you, but I don't think that's it. All kids go through this developmental stage and I wanted to cry when Delaney would hit me in the face! Her hitting phase was VERY short lived,however, and I did exactly what others have said.....take her hands and just say, "no hitting"...."nice"....I found that once I stopped over reacting to it, she started to stop it too!
<HUGS> This will pass!!!

[votemom]

at age 2 i think it's important to keep time-outs for one specific behavior. at least that is what has worked for me and our 2 yr old girls who have been home just 4 months.

they go to time-out only for violent behavior of any kind. i.e. biting, hitting, kicking, pushing, etc.

they figured out quickly that an act of aggression meant going to the time-out rug.

i also learned that the time-out rug in the kitchen or family room wasn't effective. it's now in our dining room in the corner. i sit them down facing the wall. there's nothing fun or interesting in that room to distract their minds from the issue at hand.

also, keeping them in time-out longer than 2 or 3 minutes is too long.

when i go back, i recap why they were put there. for example, "you hit mama. no hitting mama. you had to go to time-out. now you need to say sorry to mama."

then hug and move on.

that's what has worked with us at least. good luck fellow mama-to-a-two-yr-old!

[ddahl]

One other thing I did was to buy DS a cabbage patch baby boy doll and a buggy, along with the baby bottles and diapers. I also got him the milk and OJ baby bottles. I really believe this helped him to because I would play baby with him and Frankie, the doll. Anyway, we would play and talk about frankie and what a good boy he is etc. I would hold DS and he would hold Frankie and I would stroke DS and say gentle touches and good baby and he would stroke Frankie simultaneously and say the same things. These kids just need to be shown how good it feels to get positive rubs and gentle touches. Over and over again. The older the baby the harder the habit will be to break. We go back to what we know. I can tell DS thrives on upsetting me, not Daddy but just me. I think its a control issue and he likes me to react negatively. 18 months of no reactions in the baby home now he has me. What fun it must be for him in such a sad way. He is so much better just with ageing out of this typical behavior but I do keep my eye on it. In our house, its cyclical.

[amyfk]

Thank you all very much for your help. I do appreciate it. Joanna is on my case, so I cannot write more now but I will follow some of your tips and let you know how it goes.
Amy K, NJ

[GCS]

I agree with Votemom. Use time outs for violent behavior only at this age. Hitting, biting, scratching. Girlie will still scratch or claw or punch at something on occasion (like maybe once a week) when she doesnt get her way. If she does it to her brother it is an automatic time out ending with her hugging him and apologizing. If she does it to DH or I we first tell her "no, we don't hit. Even if your mad."
Now that she is moving towards 3 and a half she'll more just hit at the table or punch in the air knowing she can not hit someone else. I take a moment and tell her to use her words and talk to me about why she is angry. Which usually ends up with me hugging and comforting her while she crys about the unjustices in her little world.

[mommyto4]

I am sorry you are going through this. I know it is tough and hurts you. I think it is more pi related, these children do intentionally try to hurt their mommy especially when going through the attachment phase. Time outs don't work. You need to focus more on attachment parenting and try time ins and rocking her. Try to talk calmy and don't raise your voice if possible, reassuring her that you love her when she does this to you. What often happens is these children weren't raised in loving environments so negative attention is what they thrive on. I have young bio children that when angry they may throw something or hit inanimate objects, but they don't try to hurt Mommy. Many of our adopted children have not experienced love and have a difficult time receiving and showing affection. My girls have been home 1 year and my oldest 2y/o did this more freqently, now she rarely does, she still may get mad and throw something or hit the air but not me. Many of our adopted children have not been shown empathy and that is something they need to learn by us showing them affection and empathy that is how they will learn it. Best wishes like I said I have been there, but now my girls show empathy and affection and it is so rewarding, they occasionally have set backs like all children do, but it is amazing how far they have come in just one year. Keep the faith.(((hugs)))

[randloar]

We are currently going through this as well, and she finally did it to DH (hit/scratched then gave her crazy laugh after) so he saw that I wasn't crazy to say what an eerie feeling it is for our almost 2 year old to be so gleeful when she hurts me. And she is a biter too, which adds to the thrill when she comes at you (yes, that was sarcasm)! She mostly has done it to me, and it started when it started to feel like she was letting us in to her heart. When she got scared/angry/frustrated she would lash out at me pretty strongly. Recently, she got me with both hands scratching down my face.......oh, that hurt and she got her nails clipped about 5 minutes later!!!!

For us, when she does this, she gets her hand held to stop her and told 'NO we don't hit', then she proceeds to scream and want as far from me as possible.......so, we hold her in cradle position until she stops (sometimes up to 45 minutes). For us, this feels like the right thing since she feels rejected and wants to go off on her own to deal with her feelings, we hold her to show she isn't alone. Its been hard, but at the end of it, she wants more snuggles and makes way better eye contact........so I think its the right choice (tough to know!!).

My point is that you are not alone and so far for us, nothing has even started to put a dent in her behavior or desire to hit/scratch us. We are hoping its a 2 year old phase and consistentcy will help it pass, but no hope yet and I have been getting scratched for about 4 months now (off an on)........It does help to hear how many families have gone through this though!!!!!

[jeni-b]

DD has done this at different phases in her attachment. Until she was about 2.5 I would take her hands and show her how to use gentle hands and then we'd walk around the house being gentle with the couch, lamp, pillow, doll, then now be gentle with mommy.
Once I knew she really knew what I meant and I was sure she was doing it for attention I started moving her to a different room. I sent her to her room and she has to stay until she is ready to act nicely. I don't want any negative behavior to give her the attention she is craving. Once she comes back I make a big deal of how much I missed her and I'm so glad I have I nice girl to cuddle.
It has almost eliminated the behavior. She still has moments during very stressful times.