[Jen_in_OH]

I need help.

My sweet 6 yo DD is making me want to scream and cry.

We adopted her just over 2 years ago. She is smart, creative, and loving. So why am I writing for help?

She is in first grade. She has always had strong opinions about what to wear, but it has been manageable. (ie, she gets two choices - no problems).

Lately (as in almost daily), she cries about the way her clothes either feel or look. She complains about seams on shoes and pants. She doesn't like the way they "feel." Today she was late to school and arrived in her classroom sobbing (which I hate to even think about) because of issues with her shoes. It's ridiculous!

She has also started saying things like "no one thinks I'm beautiful" "I'm boring and dull" - I have NO idea where this is coming from. I've been on some school field trips with her and she seems to be well liked by the kids. Her parent teacher conference is tomorrow so I might learn more about her behaviors in the class.

Also, she has started throwing tantrums. This reminds me of how she was 2 years ago. Sobbing, throwing herself around on the floor/bed/etc. In addition, she is a little mouthy. We have her go to her room and come out when she is ready/able to say things nicely. Most fits (not all, but most) are actually about clothes and how they fit on her. (Some friends of mine with kids say the mouthy thing is pretty typical of 6 yo behavior)

She has always wanted to be in control. We have worked on this issue for over 2 years and it has improved. I guess my questions are these:
1. Is it possible to develop sensory issues when you are 6? (or would that have presented itself earlier). I honestly think part of this is control and another big part is actually about her being sensitive about the way things feel on her. I just thought that sensory issues would have shown themselves before now.
2. Has anyone else been through this and found some techniques that have worked. We started a behavior plan on Saturday - I thought it was working until this morning!

Help!
Jen

[momraine]

My daughter also had strong control issues over clothes at about that age. What we did was made one drawer of her dresser her school clothes drawer, I put outfits together and folded them together in little bundles. I removed out of season clothes and moved play clothes to another drawer and church clothes to a part of her closet. Then she was allowed to chose her own clothes from the drawer. That seemed to help give her the control she needed. She could choose any outfit from that drawer rather than the two I had been giving her the choice of before that. It has worked well for us for a couple of years now, although now she prefers to put her own outfits together and I let her. But she is 8 now.

[dlhall]

I have a 6 year old girl too and the mouthy thing is pretty typical. My daughter does occassionally have tantrums about clothes, but not on how they feel, but on how they look. (Thank goodness she has to wear a uniform to school or I think we'd have more showdowns!)

I can't answer the sensory issue, but it sure sounds like it might be something along that line.

As for the negative comments about herself, my dd does this occassionally and I handle it by saying how much it hurts mommy's feelings for her to say bad things about herself. She seems to accept that.

I know this probably isn't very helpful, but know you're not alone. Good luck.

Liz

[angelkisses0102]

My experience with DS and sensory issues is this...while he had sensory issues all along they were masked by his attachment disorder and overlapping symptoms. Once we started really healing his AD, the sensory issues were glaringly obvious. At point he had been home well over two years. He has a mix of SPD issues which include what you are describing...

Lately (as in almost daily), she cries about the way her clothes either feel or look. She complains about seams on shoes and pants. She doesn't like the way they "feel." Today she was late to school and arrived in her classroom sobbing (which I hate to even think about) because of issues with her shoes. It's ridiculous!

It is not ridiculous...it is very real for these kids...and is beyond distracting...as you have witnessed. With treatment and therapies...he is so much better than he was even 6 months ago. But it has taken professional intervention and lots of hard work on his and our parts.

I would also look into allergies..especially to laundry detergents and fabric softeners and soaps/lotions...maybe food as well. I can always tell when the manufacturors change their ingredients in the fabric softens especially. I am right now going through a bout of severe hives and itchies...I am surviving on benedryl...barely. I think it is a change in the ingredients of a Bath and Body works lotion that has never bothered me before...or Tide or Downy changed their formula...AGAIN. But it is a process of elimination. But it is maddening and I know what is going on.

As for being a 6 year old girl...while my DD is 6 and has many of these same issues...she has been home for over 5 years and we never had any attachment or control issues...although we did struggle with some trauma and abandonment issues earlier this year.

We have uniforms so I can't help you there. I do think self-esteem issues are more predominent in adoptees...even in my very self confident daughter. On Halloween she thought she was fat and needed to diet. She is not fat in any sense of the word.

One huge issue for us is what she has been watching on TV and DVD's. Hannah Montana is the root of some of our behaviors...most of the tween programming is a bad influence in our case. So if your DD is watching Disney Channel in the evenings and at night...curtail it and see if it helps. DD finds and mimics too many bad behaviors and just this morning again lost Disney...after just being allowed to watch one Hannah Montana show last night.

The pedi did talk about having zero tolerence on disrespect at her 6 year check up. I do let her know what is mouthy backtalking unacceptable behavior when she does it...just in case she doesn't get it. She loses priviledges and has to earn them back...such as TV. TV is really an evil influence at this age. Also, older girls as well...like at aftercare.

Good luck.

[cathvash]

Wow! My daughter just turned six, and is in kindergarten. The adjustment has been difficult (as well as having a new little brother in the house). Since school started, she has started exhibiting some of these same behaviors you describe in your daughter. I chalked it up to an adjustment period, but the behavior can be concerning. Alex has made comments like "no one likes me", "I'm too tall...not pretty...not smart...not popular" etc. (She is a beautiful, funny, and sweet girl!) I can't believe the ego and popularity issues are starting in kindergarten!!

She is acting up with the food control issues more than the clothes, but I think it's similar to your clothing battles. Alex will think of all kinds of creative ways to take control. -For example, if she wants to eat something else, she'll say the food is "stinging my tongue", her "stomach hurts", the taste is "bitter" etc.

The worst behavior is the "new" onset of crying and tantruming. Alex had a relatively mild toddler personality, so this came as a surprise. One night last week, I was just waiting for her head to spin around on her neck... Disrespectful "back talk" is new as well.

I don't know what to tell you... In our case, I am hoping that this six-year-old behavior is temporary and is related to all of the recent changes in Alex's life that she is struggling to work through. A lot of the behaviors do seem to be control issues as well. I agree that your daughter's clothes issues could be sensory, but they COULD also be her creative way to take some control.

I do know that some of this is age-appropriate "testing" as the kids transition to school age. I am also interested to hear more of what others think and have experienced, as well as some ideas for how to cope...

[k8c]

I taught first grade for five years and am now a second grade teacher.

One year, just at the beginning of second grade, one of my ex-students was diagnosed with Terret's. This is basically ADHD with OCD (yes, that's a HUGE simplification--and I'm NOT suggesting the OP's daughter has TS). Your socks comments really, really hit home. That sock seam was a major problem for him.

First/second grade is when many new problems arise. I don't know enough about sensory disorder to say for certain, but I'd get things checked out.

In the meantime, the school-clothes drawer works well. I've had several students who've told me that their moms have done this and that they love it.

I also second the no tv!

[angelkisses0102]

Is there a big difference in school for her in 1st grade? Like maybe K was a shorter day? Maybe she is tired or stressed? How is she doing in school? Learning disabilities also start showing up now as well so she may be having the behavioral issues due to that?

A note on the tantrums...DD had terrible tantrums for the first time due to her post traumatic stress issues earlier this year....horrible. Regression and lots of one on one time...no punishment or shaming...worked great. She also required a little professional therapy and I had to change the way I parented her as well. But we did work through it.

[cindyc]

Both of my older kids were impossible at age 6. I think it's a developmental thing. It DOES get better; I promise.

I think the general problem is that 6 year olds are not really little kids anymore, but they aren't really "older kids" either. These betwixt and between years tend to be difficult (for all involved).

Hang in there,
Cindyc

[tbristow]

Jenny,

I've raised 4 of the 5 girls through this stage. The "mouthy" thing starts about then and gets better when they move out!!

As for the other hmmm...is there a possibility that she's gifted? That brings a whole set of different issues and then is when it has a tendency to start because you know you're different. IMHO try sitting her down and having a heart to heart with her about what has changed and what is going on. Sometimes they will hide it, but most times they want to tell you what is wrong.

Clothes and most importantly the right kinds of clothes become a very big deal early for girls. It depends too on your school district. If there are a lot of "well off" kids in the school, it gets worse. Hollister, Abercrombie, etc... are well known to a lot of little girls. About that age it starts with Limited Too and the others at 8+ depending on size.

PM me or e-mail me if you'd like. I have a clothes horse (almost 12), a nerd trying to go "punk" at 14, a former punk that has her own style (19), a prep (almost 20), and an I'd rather dress like a boy (21) so I think I can cover them all.

[momm2be]

This post is giving me flashbacks!!! Ugh.

I feel for you. We had a rotten year in 1rst grade. Alot of what you described and then some. From my angle - it sounds like something is happening out of view.
Some questions:
Is she being teased on the playground, lunch room etc?
Is the work too hard?
How is her reading?
How is her language acquisition?
If she came home 2 years ago - she is clearly not fluent though all school peeps may think so because she is able to hold a conversation fluently. What's the teachers understanding of her background?
Does the teacher think she is having a hard time?
Does she understand the impact of the stress DD is feeling?

I called our experience the perfect storm -- language, sensory, social issues swarming under the new pressures of 1rst grade. You can search for my posts for the whole saga - but it involved seeking out a new pediatrician well versed in IA, getting a bilingual psych-educational evaluation - even though she wasn't speaking Russian anymore, and in the end -switching schools to a more control and less stimulating enviroment.

Long story short - the teacher and school assumed she was just a behaviour problem. New school - thought and still believes she is absolutely delightful. Hmm such varying opinions. Turns out if you are on high alert because the environment does not seem safe to you, you can't rely on your teacher or other school personnel to keep you safe from bullies, the unknown and the schedule is not predictable - it come out as a behavior problem to uncompassionate.

It was a weird situation because I was being told no - she doesn't have sensory issues, no learning disabilities, her language was fine (yeah right) but she was overstimulated, on guard, hyperalert all the time. A small parochial setting cured about 90% of our problems, some small changes at home cured the other 10%.

I have to say enrolling my Jewish daughter in Catholic school can just about sum up how desperate we were to get the right environment and amazingly it is the right place for her.

Can sensory issues evolve? In a way- yes. By that I mean sometimes its not clear what the cause is. I just brought my DD for a sensory eval at age 9. There were things that were bothering me - that I thought all along were adjustment/attachment related - but 3 yrs later they haven't gone away, when she is clearly attached now and pretty well adjusted.
I was pretty happy with the experience. We are going to try an at home listening therapy - which indirectly makes alot of sense. I would neve have thought her issues were of the auditory sort, but in hindsight, it makes alot of sense. The OT mentioned other issues which she has already started compensating for-for that we do nothing right now.

Does it make sense??

[happy-g]

My almost 6 year old, she turns 6 this month, is sensitive about her clothing as well. I cut tags out of all her clothes and buy all her socks at Nordstroms, they carry the seemless ones in children's shoes, I also have her wears her shoes around the house to make sure they don't bother her before letting her wear them outside. It seems that she developed this sensitivity at as she got older. She will cry and be so upset if what she is wearing is bothering her, she will tell me "Mommy, I just can't stand it!" Other then this she doesn't seem to have any oadditional sensory issues. It seems to be a common thing with young kids. I just do my best to accomadate her so that she will be comfortable.
Good Luck.

[votemom]

i am currently reading TheOutOfSyncChild - which is about sensory issues.

it was interesting to read that "low self esteem is one of the most telling symptoms of Sensory Processing Disorder."

"the child may be inflexible, irrational, and overly sensitive to change, stress and hurt feelings. he may be unhappy, believing and saying that he is dumb, crazy, no good, a loser, and a failure."

in general, for most kids, 1st grade is a tough year. that was my worst year ever for my daughter who is now 21. i wanted to just completely skip over age six!

[momm2be]

one more bit on the clothing issue - it stinks and starts young. In kindergarten one of my daughters classmates was wearing 200 dollar boots - like hell was she ever going to own a similar pair.



While we did the public school thing - we did the drawer thing too - only clothes in certain drawers could be worn to school - it helped a little but there were still many crisis about clothes.


DD wears a uniform now. I love it. I never thought I would. I am all for freedom of expression. But see no reason to do it through clothes at this age. DD expresses herself now through art and music and sports - its just much healthier than expressing yourself through material things.

[angelkisses0102]

Originally Posted by tbristow

As for the other hmmm...is there a possibility that she's gifted? That brings a whole set of different issues and then is when it has a tendency to start because you know you're different. IMHO try sitting her down and having a heart to heart with her about what has changed and what is going on. Sometimes they will hide it, but most times they want to tell you what is wrong.

While the bolded part is probably true for a bio child...a PI, 'survivor' child who has control issues...nope not very likely. In my case, my DD still has the lingering survivor traits that simply do not allow her to talk freely about many issues. Many of our kids are simply hardwired differently than bio kids who never lost their first moms or spent time in an institution. I constantly have to remember that every experience my DD has had post birth came after the trauma of losing her mom...that she had to fight just to survive those 10 months in that Russian hospital....so telling mom about some issue that doesn't involve life or death can be very tough at times.

Do look to get her evaluated...being advanced or delayed is really a *special need.* I have one of both and think delayed is actually easier.

momm2b's post reminded me that we took DD out of a traditional classroom after struggling socially in K last year...she is in a multi-age program that fits her much better. We are very lucky that it was an option available to her at our local public school through grade 3 and then the gifted classes after that.

Hang in.

[GCS]

DS is in Kindergarten (just turned 6) has sensory issues and wears a uniform (thank the Lord for small favors there!)

Now DD is only 3 and in pre-3 but we are already seeing where she gets very agitated by certain clothes. She wants everything to be as soft as can be and hates tags or seams. I am watching for the sensory thing as her brother has it and I tend to be in tune to it. Honestly, my opinion with her is that she has ultra sensitive skin. She is quick to tell me that something feels "spicy". She has excema and marks easily with elastic waists, etc. I think for her it is more her sensitive skin than a sensory issue as we have no other real signs of SID/SPD here.

She is also very in tune already what other girls are wearing. She is in the same private school but there is not a uniform for the preschoolers. I think that early on girls see what other girls are doing and want to be like them. Now this being said she was Buzz Lightyear among a thousand princesses at the school halloween party, so she can march to her own drummer, but I do think that girls are much more pressured to fit in early.