[waiting_for_more]

A couple in our adoption support group has shared with us that they are pursuing the adoption of 2 unrelated infants from Russia. While they are committed to adopting, they are planning on giving one of the children to their brother and sister-in-laws after returning to the states. It seems that the brother is clinically phobic about air travel and cannot travel to Russia. Both families want to support and love a child that needs them and they have mulitple reasons for choosing Russia.

I was wondering what the implications of this arrangement might be, especially with the post-adoption reporting that is required. I am respectful of the intentions of those involved, but I am fearful for the negative consequences for our friends of giving a child up for adoption immediately after returning from adopting him or her. Any thoughts or experience with this situation? Any advice that I should be giving them as I care about this couple and don't want their dream of having a child to be affected by a foolish decision.

[Abdulina]

I can understnad the plight of this family. I too HATE to fly. I had a panic attack on the last trip and was taken off the Delta flight home. They can give you something to literally knock you out the whole way there. I saw quite a few people on that plane "doped" up and wished I'd been one of them--LOL.

This situation has implications I believe that would be beyond belief. Just the legallity of it all. Yes, there are disruptions and in Russia's eyes, I guess it would be considered a disruption. However, you get to Russia, they hold, interact and love both babies, how hard is it going to be to let one go? Not only that, then what about the whole bonding process that has started b/twn the two...mother & child? I wouldn't even know what in the world they'd write in the post placement reports! There are still countries that will allow one parent to go. I believe Estonia does but no infants. Korea escorts. Just trying to think of anohter answer b/c I just think this would not be a good idea for all parties involved.

This is a tough one. Do make sure this family has thought this through thoroughly. I mean, the paperwork alone to change everything to the new family's name would be a nightmare. And they also have to think that if they ever wanted to go back to Russia, they could not b/c this would have been seen as a disruption no matter what the intentions were.

Take care,

[beckyww]

Ummm.....may want to ask them to conside the effect on the agency involved, too, because if this is "figured out," it could negatively impact other PAP's associated with that agency.

This isn't a disruption. This is "baby buying," no matter how well-intentioned. That second couple went through none of the rigors or disciplines the rest of us went through. No social worker certified their home safe. Background checks? Financial checks? Medical exams? Lots of reading on attachment parenting? IA doctor engaged, and ready to address concerns? Agency ready with resources for post-placement support?

Again, no matter how well-intentioned, one of those parents could be harboring fatal cancer. One of them might have a secret criminal record. One of them might even be secretly reluctant to do this.

And handing the baby off? Like a sack of groceries, or maybe a unwanted pet? That child will have spent 10 - 12 days with the first couple, adding one more layer of confusion to the attachment process.

I'm sure their intentions are good, and this seems like a grand, noble adventure. And it might even end well. Might. But the risk to other PAP's, the reputation of the agency and to the child himself seems very real to me. Really, it seems selfish. "We want this. We're willing to throw away all the rules and disciplines because we know best. And if hurts someone else, tough."

Becky
The Woodworth Family in Beautiful San Antonio TX

[Kasey]

I started to respond to this, but Becky summed up all I was going to say. I am sure the intentions are good but the risks are too much in my eyes. And like Stephanie said if you really want to do this and Russia is the country you want, then there are pharmacautical ways to get thru your flight and if they truly want to adopt then look into domestic where they most likely can drive whereever they need to go. They have other options.

[mcanvasback]

I also understand why they want to do it. But, for all the reasons already given, and probably some we haven't thought of yet, my gut screams Nooooooo!!

[Ktates]

Wow...I can't believe that - I feel along the same lines as Becky - this is incredibly unethical....If this couple doesn't want to travel they should find another program that suits them...I'm not sure the family you spoke to truly understands the risk...and if this happens what about the child? what are they going to think when they get old...it's treating the child like a commodity....

How exactly do they think they are going to get away with this? in our state we had to have post placements at 1 month, 3 month, 6 months as well...are they going to bring the child back over to the other couple's house and pretend????

Honestly if I was in your position - I would strongly consider reporting them to their agency....

[Ebadge90]

On the other hand of things, how could the family that goes to russia then just give up the child when they got home? I could never give up a child I had spent even a week with, never mind several weeks.
If the husband is afraid to fly, adopt in the US.

[erickk]

I agree with everyone els...but I would also question the PAPs that are even considering do this--do they know what they will be doing to the child "they give away". I have strong feelings about this as both our kids have attachment disorder. These children have had enough trauma in their life.

But the illegality, the threat to not only the agency but to the entire adoption process in Russia. Some thing like this would just reinforce the feelings of some Russians that Americans are selling their babies.

The other family HAS to go through the home study process. I do not care how phobic the brother is--he needs to get over the phobia if he wants to adopt from Russia or find another country. I was also one of those flying phobic people but like people say--there is medication that he can take if this is the only thing holding them back. When I got on the flight to go to Russia it was a nice big Delta airplane. Then we got to Russia and flew an Aeroflot plane that was held together with duct tape and hangers (kidding)--but it was not your usual plan ride and I was very happy when we landed.

Another thing...is your friend OK with losing her own child for doing this because that is something that certainly could happen through social service in the US if they found out they did this. There are too many horror stories about families who were not properly screened and children have gotten abused or worse. Every cell in my body screamed absolutely not OK when I read this.

[mcanvasback]

I hve been thinking about this since I read the post this morning. If this couple is willing to take such drastic measures to get a child, and the husband absolutely cannot fly, then have they thought of divorcing, having the wife adopt as a single, then remarrying? I know the facility of the divorce process depends on your state, in mine (FL) it happens to be quick and easy. Sure, it would be a ton of paperwork and red tape but not nearly as much as trying to perpetuate this fraud. And I honestly don't mean to be judgemental by saying that, I understand desperation - but it is fraud and the implications for all parties involved could be drastic.

[papedge]

I hope the famlies who are thinking about realize they are doing more damiage then good to them selves to the children and to the Russia program. That being said they are planning on lying in court in Russia, but they are also lying to immagration and to the US embassy they might want to research the repructions of this, could it land them in Jail for a long time? All for what scared to fly?

Hoping they rethink this Idea

kimberley

[BrandyHagz]

I'm sorry - our Terms of Service addresses the discussion of illegal activities and discussing this topic isn't something we're going to allow.

There are many legitimate ways to adopt without creating a fraudulent situation.

I also have real concerns about the legitimacy of this situation - considering this user has registered two accounts with us, neither of them listing their actual location and two totally different names.