[LucyLisbon]

I was reading on a blog that this couple received a referral of a child with blue eyes because they requested that (I guess both mother and father had blue eyes and wanted a child that would resemble that). I had never heard that agencies would honor such requests and was curious about it. Were you able to specify certain physical characteristics such as hair or eye color?

I can see how that may aid in the bonding period and I can also understand that our human nature is to want to have children that look like us. But I thought that when you open yourself up to adopt, it is understood that those things take second place to actually being able to just parent.

What is your experience with this and what are your opinions?

We are infertile and have just started researching adoption so please forgive me if this seems like an ignorant question.

Thanks.

[Amysue1112]

Some people do make specific requests like these..but I do know that at least in some regions they will not allow it..and in some they find it offensive. Many people do go to Russia to find a child that looks "like them"...but just likein the US there are soo many "Russian" looks, and a referral may have more "gypsy" or "asian" or darker-skinned.

We did not specify coloring...we were completely open...and I don't think that "looking like" or "not looking like" one's parent would necessarily affect bonding.

In a nutshell..this is a personal choice. You may find that your agency will not allow very specific characteristics, but I don't know.

People come to adoption and choose the country for so many regions. If you choose Russia hoping for a child that "looks more like you" then that is ok. For some that is important, and for others it is not.

Welcome and good luck to you!!

Our little angel came home last year..and she looks soo much like I did when I was little..it is just CRAZY! I say, go where your gut/heart tells you..and that is where the child that is meant for you will be.

If you want to see our blog it is From Russia With Love

[papedge]

I have also heard of this being done. with our agencey in the paperwork there is a form that you fill out it has girl/boy age and it does have hair/ eye color and medical conditions you are willing to execpt. this is how ours was filled out:

first adoption our referral who is our son
sex: either boy
age: young as possible 15months
health: healthy as possible very healthy
hair color: left blank blue
eye color: left blank blonde


second adoption our referral who is our
sex: girl girl
age: young as possible 17months
health: healthy as possible very healthy
hair color: left blank blue
eye color: left blank blonde/strawberry


I would think the more you request the longer your wait would be.

Kimberley

[votemom]

i would guess that you'll get answers all over the map on this one.

we put "any" for age and "either" for gender. our girls came home at 23 months.

[beckyww]

We requested a girl aged 4 - 8. We met Julia one week after her 6th birthday and came home w/her 3.5 months later.

She looks a lot like two of our bio DD, and I am happy about that. When a child looks very, very differently from the rest of the family, it makes him or her a curiousity. Politically incorrect, but true. As it is, as Julia ages, it'll be her choice to tell or not tell new friends about her origins. No one will try to ferret out nuggets of information based on appearance.

Different things work for different families. We already had children. We didn't request any specific characteristics. But I knew I didn't want my family stared at. And I know from whence I speak. I had a disabled brother, and life is seldom kind to one-offs, or their parents or siblings.

If we hadn't already had children, it would have been less of an...issue? That's not the right word. A joy. Joy is the right word. That dark hair and those dark eyes were just a joy to see. And are every day. :-)

Becky
The Woodworth Family in Beautiful San Antonio TX

[Pinkie]

Lucy, welcome to the Adoption Forum and good luck with your searchings.

I requested a little girl aged 2 to 4 years and came home with a little girl five and a half years old. I didn't request any other specifics and not sure if it's allowed with my agency. They just used to say that the Russian Ministry try to match the children as much as possible to us.

[LucyLisbon]

Originally Posted by beckyww

When a child looks very, very differently from the rest of the family, it makes him or her a curiousity. Politically incorrect, but true. As it is, as Julia ages, it'll be her choice to tell or not tell new friends about her origins. No one will try to ferret out nuggets of information based on appearance.

This is what concerns me a little. Both my husband and I have fair-skin, blue eyes and light brown hair. It would be easier if the child looked like us. But I know this is totally superficial and I am even embarassed to say it. Maybe I am still mourning the fact that I may never know what a biological child would look like.

Thanks for the welcome and for sharing your experiences.

[Shoshana]

My sister (not bio) and I were both adopted. Although we didn't look like each other, people said that I looked like our mom and that she looked like our dad. When people said that about me, it drove me crazy. I felt like they were pretending I was not adopted, like they didn't really "see" me somehow, and that they wanted to make my mom feel happy/secure/normal/comfortable. I know other adoptees who were perfectly happy to look like their aparents, but plenty feel as I did. I also knew of families who actually returned an adopted child because s/he had a different hair color, or a darker complexion they they had expected. That made me wonder if my parents would have loved me if I'd looked more different than them. I think the emotional connection that the parent has to the child is what's important, not the child's appearance. Just a different perspective...

[mcanvasback]

Originally Posted by LucyLisbon

This is what concerns me a little. Both my husband and I have fair-skin, blue eyes and light brown hair. It would be easier if the child looked like us. But I know this is totally superficial and I am even embarassed to say it. Maybe I am still mourning the fact that I may never know what a biological child would look like.
.

Don't be embarrassed. It's the way you feel and it makes sense.

I thought I wanted a little girl "looked just like me". As the waiting months grew into years, I realized that I just wanted a little girl. I am tall, with blonde hair, fair skin and blue eyes and my daughter is from Central Asia. It's been wonderful! So...you may or may not feel this way throughout your adoption journey. That said, there are agencies that will try to match you with the child you want - even if you have to be "vague" on the paperwork, they will try. Depends on the agency! Best of luck!

[votemom]

here is a pic of my husband and one of our adopted daughters. she is the only brown-haired/brown-eyed child of our five kids. we wondered if she would seem "like she didn't belong". it was never even for a second an issue for us, but we did wonder if we'd get remarks from people.

even though her coloring is different, it's just not a big deal. i just thot maybe it would help to see an example.

hang in!

[jaenelle]

If it's REALLY important to you, don't compromise... whatever the "request". Appearance, health, gender, age... or anything else.

DH and I wanted a healthy newborn initially, and were open to race and gender. Later, we actually narrowed our racial criteria, because we decided we did want to adopt an African-American baby. We are both Caucasian. Yes, we do get the eyeball from a lot of people at stores and the like, but I can't imagine life without my daughter.

You can see a picture of her below. She doesn't look a thing like us, but I couldn't be more in love.

[Aphi86]

When we began our infertility journey so long ago, China was just then opening up to the US. I saw a documentary called something like The Lost Girls of China. I always thought in the back of my mind I should adopt from China because the only reason those girls were there were because they were GIRLS!! It made me so mad. Fast forward 7 years later and after rounds and rounds of infertility I was at my wits end. I had decided I that biology no longer mattered. It was about being a family and having a sibling for our DD and another child to well...love. My first reaction was "heck yea, we are going to China!" But, after several meetings with the social worker (who met privately with my then 7 yr old dd) she did not recommend China. She told us we REALLY needed to consider Russia. At first I was like "No way" but after listening to her reason why, and thinking and praying about it, she was right. Right for us. She said that through her meetings with DD she learned that it was important for HER that her sister look like us and her. The more I thought about it, I was so worn out from this quest for a child that really I just wanted to settle in and be a family. I no longer wanted my child to be the topic of conversation...I was all talked out. Could I love any child??? Yes I could. I have taught at both a wealthy private school where all the kids were neat as a pin, and then I have taught in a section 8 housing school where a Kinder kid once yelled down the hall to me, "Hey teacher I am hungry" and I loved all the kids that came through my door. But as Becky said, I was not up for my family being on display or a curiosity. Ironically, we ended up with a perfect match. Ava doesn't look like Ellen, but Ava looks like Ellen's sister. Love comes in all flavors and you shouldn't feel bad because you have a favorite. This is a life long choice and it is okay to make the best choice for you. You know just because you are given a referral doesn't mean you have to accept it. And, just because you think you know what you want now, you may find that changes when a certain child melts your heart. We asked for a 3-4 yr old girl and got a 14 mos old. But, she was the perfect match for us and what we wanted changed the second we held her.

[ddahl]

"This is what concerns me a little. Both my husband and I have fair-skin, blue eyes and light brown hair. It would be easier if the child looked like us. But I know this is totally superficial and I am even embarassed to say it. Maybe I am still mourning the fact that I may never know what a biological child would look like."

Let me be honest with you and please no flames! After years and years of infertility, IVF, Egg donation and having been emotionally devastated and heart broken throughout the "infertility years" its perfectly OK to want what you want. Why should'nt you have your hearts desire.

I had explained why I did not have kids to the last person when we made the decision to adopt. I was done. period! End of that chapter. I just wanted to be normal... what ever that is. I am not running a humanitarian mission to save a child. I was running a mission of the heart to build a family and for us, we had non negotiable criteria. I wanted a beautiful baby too. Shallow?? yes perhaps but I want what I want and although you can not order up a child that meets all of your criteria because your paperwork would be kicked to the curb, you should not hesitate to be as specific as you can with your agency. God will do the rest. Its hard for people to understand. If I told people how I felt I am sure I would have been lambasted. Infertility is not something we asked for so why should we settle for just any child and be happy we got one at all? Keep your dreams and be specific whith what you ask for and even more specific with your prayers. For us, even though we were totally specific with what we wanted, God surrised us and gave us something even better than we had hoped for. We reached for the stars and actually caught one.
know that you will most likely always grieve for what could have been and a child that "looks" like you. Once you bring your child home you will be totally shocked at how much is nature and how much is nurture. My husband says all of the time that I could not have born a child more like myself. My sister said that she never thinks about my son being adopted because he is just one of us, and its strange that he was born 5000 miles away only to be exactly like us.

Your heart will mend when you hold your baby and while you will grieve what will never be you will celebrate the bigger plan. I remember when they brough my son into the room and plopped him down on my lap. All of my questions were answered. I was supposed to be there on that broken down couch in a room with plaster falling off the wall in the middle of Russia meeting this little miracle. The journey was devastating getting there but in the end it was miraculous!

Be specific and expect a miracle! You totally deserve it!
Welcome and hugs to you!
Dixie

[Ktates]

Before you get too set on eye or hair color...we didn't fill any of these things in though they were on our Russian forms. when we were referred DD my parents thought she looked like my dh. The description in the database said blond hair brown eyes....my dh is blond...well she was put on the database when she was just born and the description was wrong. She has jet black hair. So even the info the moe has can be incorrect.

Other people will try and find connections where there are none - people say dd looks like me which is a lie to me in my opinion because I don't think she looks anything like me. But I think people think they are making me feel better (but I feel fine!).

I know my SW told us of a family that adopted from another country and the child's skin tone was much darker than anticipated. The mom had a hard time bonding at first because she felt the child was a reminder that she could not have biological children and she really hadn't properly dealt with that. So she did some counseling and I guess it made a world of difference.

So definitely work through all those feelings first! Best of luck!

[kahoxworth]

We had the opportunity to request hair and eye color as well, but chose not to. For us it was a matter of deciding whether we really wanted to wait longer for a child that matched our preferences when we might get a referral sooner if we were more open. Being flexible ultimately worked to our advantage, as we got a referral older than our specified age range less than a month after we submitted our dossier. We changed a few documents to expand the age range, and if all continues to go as planned we'll be bringing him home in November.

I completely agree that if you know what you want, then go for it! What you feel is right for your family can't be argued against. A child who looks like you is no less deserving of a family than a child who doesn't, and you shouldn't have any reason to feel guilty.