[MamaChinch]

If it is important to you to specify these physicial charaterictics then you should find and agency that allows it. She/he will be your child and you know how you feel. I went into the process thinking China, and I am tall and blonde, and I thought nothing of it. When I found out about singles and China, I looked at Russia, and as I thought more about, I thought, she is already going to be adotped, she is already going have a single mom....maybe it woudl be easier....but I really didn't really care about eye, hair, skin. I never even went into the process with any expectations of what she would look like. But I had always thought I would have bio kids with blonde hair, since I am.

Coupled with being single, plus infertiliy issues...I only specified I wanted a healthy girl under 18 mos. with minor or correctable health issues. I really just wanted a family. My biggest concern as everything got closer was that she was healthy. I now have a very healthy beautiful brown-haired, blue eyed love of my life! Everyone says she looks like me, she does have chubby cheeks like I do! Poor thing!! he he! But it was never important that she look like me. And now that we been home a year, you will find that they end up acting like you and talking like you and copying you! They become you anyway!!
Part of the process is finding an agency that works for you and your needs and will help you find your child. It all depends on the regions they work in as well. When my DD was adopted, the other familes had kids that ranged blonde, blue eyed to dark skin and dark hair with almost Asian features and some in-between.
Welcome and good luck with your journey!

[MustangLippy]

We considered China, however DH is very reserved. The thought of becoming a "conspicuous family" as it was termed to us by our agency was more than he thought he could handle. The very idea of strangers approaching him and asking him sensitive questions about his family on a regular basis was disconcerting. So we decided on Russia.

However we did not specify anything other than a healthy girl 18 months or older with minor correctible health conditions.

When we got to Russia our blind referral was 10 months old, which was a bit of a shock. She was tiny with brown, slightly almond eyes like mine. Our agency's co-ordinator in Russia said she chose DD for us because of her resemblance to me. DH was scornful of this but it charmed me, even though I was sure they said this to all the families.

Fast forward two years and lo and behold she does resemble me. We're both petite with those same eyes and curly hair. Everywhere we go people tell DD "well there's no mistaking who your Mama is". I never heard this with DS who is bio! In fact one time I was asked if I was his babysitter! .

I don't know why but I like the fact that DD and I resemble each other. It adds to my feeling of solidarity with her when I see myself in her even though I know that is a little crazy.

Imagine the short-lived blow I felt when I received a photo of her bio Mom. She is the living and breathing image of her. I felt oddly jealous. Then I got over myself. Now I see that as something wonderful for DD. And if she sees any resemblance to me physically or emotionally and is pleased by it then that is another added bonus.

Don't feel guilty. You've been through a lot. What you're feeling is normal. Maybe when you've had the chance to nurture a child resembles the bio child you might have had you'll be ready to embrace different options next time.

[GCS]

When we adopted our two we did not specify hair or eye color - it was an option with our agency. We did not care about race at that time. We figured that the less we specified the better off we would be.

Fast forward 2.5 years later. We are home with our children and hoping to go back for another. We actually did have the race conversation this time around. Now we have two children who, as fate would have it, look remarkably like us. My daughter looks more like my mother than I do!

Now we wonder, should we specify so we do not bring home a child who looks different from our other two and then becomes the one people are curious about? Will that be more difficult for that child?

We never dreamed our first two would look so much alike (not bio sibs) or that they would be so much like us. We went back and forth on this and decided that once again we will just be open to what ever referral comes our way. We are very open about adoption in our family already.

[angelkisses0102]

We did not specify anything for DD except as young as possible infant girl (under 12 months- the old days) we were also open to some correctable issues. Our first referral sort of took us by surprise. She was a very healthy 13 month old girl from Vlad...and she was Asian. In our ignorance at the time, we had never even thought about getting a referral that was not caucasian.

I am of EE background and the area I grew up in was an area to which many EE immigrants settled. The common look was like me...fair, blond, blue-eyed. I just assumed our referral would look like me. We did turn her down...we said it was her age...but honestly we were not prepared for her referral for more than the race surprise.

DD was listed as blond and blue-eyed...well she was bald and blue-eyed and she looks very much like she could be our biological child. (She has beautiful auburn hair and we have discovered her first mom was Kazakh, btw.) When we decided to adopt again, we did request a darker featured - EuroAsian - baby girl. We had learned about the prejudice these children face in Russia and had educated ourselves overall. Ha, we were surprised by a white blond, blue-eyes, fair referral for a baby BOY.

My DS and DD look more like biological sibs than many actual bio's do....especially when they were smaller and both had ringlet curls in their hair. And they both look like they could be our biological children.

When my kids were babies, I did not really think too much about how looking like me would or would not impact them. Now that my DD is school age...it is becoming something that for her allows her story to remain private if she so chooses. For her, right now, she does not like being *different* so it helps that she doesn't HAVE to talk about adoption constantly.

There are pros and cons to every choice...there are many choices on how and where to adopt from...you need to find the one you feel the most comfortable with and the one you will be able to support your child through for the rest of their lives.

Good luck!

[MamaChinch]

Christina ~ he he! When we got back to the hotel from our visit with Delaney, my mom hugged me and started crying, then she said, "She looks likes me!" And she does! I think it made her happy becasue we do not look anything alike and she was often asked about it when I was growing up!
Lucy ~ Go with your heart and everything will be fine!!

[Amysue1112]

One other thought...remember that in Russia you have the choice to accept or decline a referral...it sounds very awful and sad, and it is, but many of us here have had to do it once or more. Maybe b/c of medical issues, maybe because the "look' or maybe b/c it did not "feel" right.

We had to turn down our first referral b/c she was going to have significant med issues and with my own issues and bad back, there would be no way I would have cared for her. Then we got a referral of a sweet, little girl...she had very dark hair and eyes..they said she was part "Eskimo"...immediately when we got the referral I just knew in my heart she was NOT our child..I don't know why really, I can't blame it on her coloring..just..well, not ours. That is ok to go with your "gut" on this one..in fact, it is very important to pay attention to your intuition or "gut" when it comes to IA. Then when we travelled and "lost" our referral in country..I was heartbroken b/c I "thought" she was ours..well, I was wrong..when I had our baby girl Hannah in my arms I knew for sure..she was heres.

Anyway, just wanted to add to what I had written before..

[LucyLisbon]

Thank you so much for your replies. It's comforting to hear your experiences and thoughts on this issue, especially since it is kind of a sensitive one. Reading your replies has helped me to realize I'm not so weird in wanting a child that resembles us. It's also good to know there are agencies out there who will take those requests and try to work with you.

Thanks again.

[Ktates]

Just to counter something that Amy said - one of the agencies we interviewed told us we could NOT decline a referral for any reason other than medical and if we did we would not be referred another child. So you just want to clarify what your agency's policy is.

Best of luck!

[caaron]

We were given the option to ask for certain characteristics but weren't garaunteed anything.
I have to say that Dixie (ddahl) is right on the money. For those of us who suffered through all the ifertility disappointments etc. we shouldn't have to settle for less than we want. However, when they put my DS in my arms I wouldn't have cared one iota what color his eyes & hair were, he was supposed to be mine. There was no doubt!
Welcome Lucy and thank you Dixie for not being afraid of being flamed. I loved what you said!

[mikiment]

Welcome! I see by your number of posts that you are new, and you mention you are beginning to explore adoption. Best wishes as you begin your journey; you'll find a lot of great info here.

One thing I'd like to suggest you consider as you begin to think about another way to build your family is a wonderful book called Adopting after Infertility by Patricia Johnston. She really covers some great info that includes starting to process new realities once you consider that you may be adopting rather than giving birth. This includes coming to terms with the loss of the "idea" of your biological child -- you know, the imaginary child you probably imagined giving birth to one day who perhaps would look like your mom or had your husband's nose -- and I think that can be important as you open your mind and heart toward the idea of creating your family through adoption. It can be initially somewhat intimidating to think of what a non-biologically related child might look like as compared with the rest of your family, how might she/he "fit into" your family, how will you feel about him/her and how will he/she feel about you, etc. That's probably where a lot of your current concern is coming from -- that and you feel somewhat conflicted about wanting a child to look like you, which is a perfectly normal thing.

Johnston's book is really helpful in helping you realize some areas that perhaps you might not have considered and working through them in a positive way so that when your adoption paperchase is through, you are mentally prepared to open your heart and family to another child. It also helps us become more aware of adoptee issues so we can best help the child who will ultimately join our family and be dealing with his/her own very substantial losses of first family and culture/heritage without projecting our own issues onto them. It's not a difficult read, just very practical and helpful -- I highly recommend it to those just starting their path.

All that to also say there's certainly nothing "wrong" with wanting a child who looks like you, just to say there are some great areas to explore in this book that can really help you with the whole adoption process and emotionally coming to terms with adoption and its implications so you can be the best adoptive parent possible for you and your child-to-be.

Best of luck as you make your way through this journey.

[hopeful_in_Wi]

But genetics is such a crazy thing! My sister and her husband both have brown hair and brown eyes. My BIL's hair is so dark that its almost black. He has olive-esque skin and she tans extremely easily.

Their first bio son has blonde hair, blue eyes and looks NOTHING like either of them. He looks more like me than them and if I'm out with sis and my nephew, people think he's mine!!

I don't think its selfish to want a child that has fair skin if you're fair skinned but I do wonder when people request eye color, hair color, etc. They need a basic mendel square lesson!!! Two blue eyed parents can make a brown eyed baby and two brown eyed parents can make a blue eyed baby Happens every day

Originally Posted by LucyLisbon

This is what concerns me a little. Both my husband and I have fair-skin, blue eyes and light brown hair. It would be easier if the child looked like us. But I know this is totally superficial and I am even embarassed to say it. Maybe I am still mourning the fact that I may never know what a biological child would look like.

Thanks for the welcome and for sharing your experiences.

[mom2M&A]

The Russian office of your agency will get pictures of you. Some agencies offices match the appearance of the children to the adoptive parents. It is so obvious with our agency that the St. Pete office matches to the mother's appearance it is kind of scary. The only deviation I've heard from my caseworker was when someone asked that thier child look like thier other adopted daughter, who was from China, so they ended up in a region closer to China.
we didn't specify age, sex, or number of kids, but we did specify eye color. if it's important to you, then put it down.

[Larue]

I don't normally post on this board. But the title of this thread caught my attention. And after reading some the replies you received, I felt the need to post.

Let me start by saying, DH and I are about as white as white can be. You can see the picture of our beautiful Guatemalan princess in my avatar and ticker. I have had a few people tell me that they could never parent a child that didn’t physically resemble them. And I never really understood this. But then I have known from a young age that I would never have biological children, so I have had a long time to mourn the loss. And it truly is a loss. Also I was raised by a wonderful stepfather that I look nothing like. Nor do I resemble my half siblings. I am very close to my family, and the fact that I don’t look like them is totally meaningless. Also I grew up in a very culturally diverse environment. I think our backgrounds, family histories and the path we have taken to become parents have a lot to do with our perspective on this.

And I think that if having children that resemble you physically is really important to you, then you should try and find an agency that will work with your request. And you shouldn’t feel uncomfortable about it. Only you can know what is right for you and your family. And what is in your heart. Best wishes with your journey!

[LucyLisbon]

Originally Posted by hopeful_in_Wi

I don't think its selfish to want a child that has fair skin if you're fair skinned but I do wonder when people request eye color, hair color, etc. They need a basic mendel square lesson!!! Two blue eyed parents can make a brown eyed baby and two brown eyed parents can make a blue eyed baby Happens every day

Actually two blue-eyed parents will always have a blue eyed child, unless there is a mutation somewhere which is very unlikely. Here's a neat eye color "calculator":

Human eye color genetics [Athro Limited: Evolution]

Now, two brown-eyed parents can have blue-eyed children. That's the case in my family - both my parents have brown eyes and three out of four children have very blue eyes.