[kdk545]

So I was telling my friend the other day about our Star Rewards chart we use for our 3 year old daugther and 4 year old son (they have been home with us for a little over 2 years now). We use it for specific behaviors like "Getting Yourself Dressed" and/or "No Yelling" that kind of thing. At the end of the day they earn stars for their good behaviors.

My friend went to a workshop called "Positive Discipline" and their belief was that reward charts, stars, stickers that kind of thing was the wrong way to go about it. I dont know what their theory was on the right way to go about it, except that they say children should learn to be motivated to be "good" just for the fact that being good is the right thing to do and not because they are going to earn something for it.

I wish I could have talked her more in depth about it, but I was like....huh? Earning stickers and stars has been around since the dawn of time for children. And I know it would be nice if children could be motivated because being good feels good and is the right thing to do, but maybe that should come later when they are older??

What do you guys think about it (that using stars and stickers isnt the "right" way to enforce positive behavior) and what do you use to get positive behavior? We just got tired of doing the negative thing, which was saying "stop yelling please" "stop yelling please" "stop yelling or youre in time out" "one more time and time out for you".....a million times a day.

[Mykidsmom]

Sticker and stars did not work for us. I am not saying they are wrong, just that they did not work for us.

Time in the chair seemed to work the best for major infraction (fighting, not listening, etc). I use 1 minute per year of age, Saturday I made my youngest sit in the chair and I got the timer and ask him "How old are You?" he replied "I'm 10", OK I replied that will be 10 minutes, he changed his mind very quick and told me his correct age

I would just go with what works, your kids will get to an age that they don't care about the stars and stickers and will just be good because it is the right thing. Just my opinion but stick to what works.

[2Bulgarianbeauties]

I agree, if it works, go with it. For us, I only use stickers for jobs that are done, i.e. chores, practicing the piano. For behaviors, I always use words "I am so proud of how you shared"...." Thank you so much for clearing up your dishes and helping mommy"..."That was so nice thay you gave her a hug"

For my daughters, the words seemed to mean more than the stickers. But that is us. If you are seeing positive results, don't fix something that is not broken!

[GCS]

Stickers and charts worked for my son when he was 4 and we were trying to get him more independant in the morning. Dress yourself, brush your teeth, eat your breakfast and fill your chart. At the end of the week he got a prize based on number of stickers.

Aside from this exercise, I have to say that stickers and charts did not work for us. We tried them for chores, for potty training (yea, right Mom), etc.

I have found now with my kids that the Love and Logic approach works best. But when I was trying to help DS build some new habits, it was effective. I think you have to experiement and see what works best for you. Now that DS is 6 consequences like losing a privilige are much more effective and positive praise for doing a job well done is all he really wants from us.

[kakuehl]

The goal is to internalize behavior (they do things because they are the right thing to do) but that takes time and mental development. At 3 or 4 the charts may work well... at 16, you'd be wondering what's wrong with your kid if he/she couldn't behave (at least most of the time) without an external reward. (On the other hand, the privilege of driving the family car does often function as an external reward for 16 yr olds. I think as always, the question is, what is appropriate for your child's age and development.

[Amysue1112]

I think you have to do what you think is best and what "works" for your kids. I am not against parent training and stuff but what the "experts" say is the "right way" to disipline may be the absolute WRONG thing to do when one talks to the next "expert".

For instance, Hannah is in a little preschool and it is very scheduled..and it works WONDERFUL for her...but my freind is against this, she only believes in the Montesorri (sp?) schools...

Also, I remember when we brought Hannah home from Russia..we were given a lot of "shoulds" and "should nots". We did what we thought was "right" for our Hannah, not just the "PI" kids in general. And I am so sooo glad we did..sheis healthy, happy and very well-adjusted. She is very securely attached..loves her Mommy and Daddy but feels safe to venture out to explore, always coming back as she needs to be encouraged or reassured.

You are a great Mom andyour kiddos are doing soo well. Don't let anyone make you second guess the job you are doing as a parent. I mean, geez, stickers are super cool at that age! :0)

[MamaChinch]

At 3 and 4, they need to learn what is expected of them and what you define as good behavior and the stickers are a good way of reinforcing that. Once they understand, you can phase it out. I agree, you have to do what works best for your child. You know them best, and they are YOUNG!
Delaney just got potty trained and I had been using a treat when she went, but now that she's got it down, I told her no more potty treats. She didn't like it, but it didn't make her not use the toilet and now she stills goes potty and doesn't get a treat, three weeks she hasn't had an accident. I also recently started a magnet chart (same as stickers), and she is completely motivated by it. At 2.5, she isn't just going to do something because it's the right thing to do....yet. She doesn't know and doesn't have the impluse control yet. I use techniques from a couple different books, my own things I make up, and need to constantly change it. She gets the magnet chart....I even did something the other day and she said, "Yay, Mommy! Mommy gets a good-girl magnet!" If it is working and your family is happy.....you are doing great!!

[Pinkie]

I have used the chart and found it effective. In Antonina's case it's more of a visual thing. For instance, when I said......."when you've slept in your own bed for 3 weeks you'll earn yourself a prize"......she didn't understand the 3 week timespan. So I did a chart and we put a star on each day of the week. It worked and she is now successfully sleeping in her own bed.

I've also used it as a reward to go to the circus and I've used it to get her in the habit of combing her hair and brushing her teeth etc.

I wouldn't use it all the time but I definately agree with what others have said, that if it works for now -go with it.

[votemom]

i'm glad pinkie brought up sleep. when it comes to sleep, i for one would do ANYTHING to motivate/bribe my kid to stay in their bed!

my daughter had a YEAR in 3rd grade when she could/would not sleep. we're talking still awake at 2 am!

desperate times call for desperate measures.

thankfully it passed and we could never figure out what caused it.

but... the goal was for her to JUST STAY IN HER ROOM! asleep or not! LOL!

everyone else has said it before me and i agree: do what brings the desired results with each individual child.

stickers will only work for a time, so enjoy the fun and simplicity of it.

p.s. i would advise, however, to keep the "rewards" small and simple. a special one-one-one outing to the park and ice cream would be preferrable to a new video game ;o)

[ddahl]

We began to use the reward system early on and it worked great. Flash forward to potty training time and we were doing rewards for successful potty achievements. We would do a weekly trip to Toys R Us for every successful poop in the potty. We were doing it on the weekend when we were all home together. It was working great!
For me the key has been to determine when the reward outweights the expectation. For three weeks now DS has been getting himself to the potty to pee pee and poop as well. Amazing I know! Each time he states "Now I go Toys R Us" We realized that we were not sending him the right message because basically everyone needs to use the potty whether there is a reward or not. We have transitioned him out of the tous r us mentality and are just using heavy praise and he seems to be continuing to do well.

I will be getting a chart for the other chores that we are now doing but honestly until he started school, I was doing it all for him, I enjoyed it so much but I realize my role it to create within him a sense of independence and an I can do it myself!

I think like others have posted that we all know our children best and we know what works for them. THe experts are not living in my house so I generally look at all of the information and take only what I need out of it. Finding a healty balance for our family and what works along with knowig that what works this week may not work next. Constant tweeking as we grow as a family.
Good luck with whatever you decide. You are a wonderful Mom and only you know what is best!

[ddahl]

Oh and P.S. ... I am so over haveing to elevate my voice to get actions to start or stop and I totally agree with you on the million times a day. There had to be another way that is not negative.

[angelkisses0102]

I googled Positive Discipline...interesting...

I hope this link is OK.

Positive Discipline with Dr. Jane Nelsen

[LilyMoon]

An interesting book that doesn't subscribe to the rewards/punishment school of thought is "Unconditional Parenting" by Alfie Kohn. I found it a very interesting read. If you want the other side perspective, then give it a try.