[calikismet]

Hi all - I'd love some input.

Our daughter is 3.5 years old and has been home since age 8 months. She is doing great.. except...

She cries at the drop of a hat! It can be big things like spilling her milk all over her (well, big for a 3-year-old). But lately, it is over tiny small things like not being allowed to eat Oreos for breakfast. Every time I turn down any of her requests, she bursts into tears. I have tried the "pick your battle" approach, and do not say no to small things (like wearing her cowboy boots even if it is 100 degrees outside). But there are certain things that I simply cannot allow her to do (eat toothpaste, color the carpet, ride her bike when we are heading out of the door -- yoou get my point).

It has become a daily battle -- and several times a day. I have tried all sorts of approcahes. I have tried the ignoring her approach -- she just cries more. I have tried to reason with her -- all I get are pouts after that. I have gotten angry - no impact. I have tried hugs and kisses and understanding that it is hard to be 3, and again, still have the tears.

Has anyone successfully dealt with this? I am not going to give in, b/c that sends the message that she can cry to get what she wants. But I admit that my tolerance for the tearful events is wearing very very thin....

Thanks in advance!!

[k8c]

Not much help--just sympathy. I think three-year-olds are *much* more difficult than two-year-olds.

Reasoning is not an option with a three-year-old. I'd keep picking your battles, give choices you can live with (wear your coat or carry it), and stop hearing her complaints. If she's firmly attached and doesn't need time-in's, I'd say, "I'm sorry that made you sad. You need go up to your room until you can be down here with a happy heart." Expressing sadness that she is gone, tell her you'll miss her and will be so glad when she's back. No anger, no reasoning, no "stifling of emotion"...

Looking forward to reading other responses!
Kate

[Juliana13]

Isn't three fun??! Some do the tantrum thing, some do the crying thing. It's basically the same thing, just the emotions showing in different ways. Both are a lack of emotional control, one just is anger, one sadness. Both a normal part of being three. My daughter did the tantrum thing. I agree, it's exhausting!

The other poster had good ideas, and just grit your teeth and know that it will pass. Eventually.

Her sadness is real, so compassion is good: acknowledging her right to feel sad, even understanding her reasons for being sad. ("I might feel sad if I didn't get a treat when I wanted one, too.") It really IS hard to be 3 sometimes.

But that doesn't mean you give it much attention, because that's one of her goals. Sounds like you re doing pretty good, just keep it up. Someday she will be four, and all this will fade away. I get comments on what a mature, happy, even-tempered child my daughter is. I have to smile, because the memories of her being 3 are still fresh in my mind. (She's 5 now.)

[2Bulgarianbeauties]

The one thing that seemed to help my youngest is that we have a rule, all "whining/crying" gets done in the corner. So, when she cries about not getting something, my response is "If you want to cry about it, go do it in the corner. No one here wants to listen to you cry. Come out when you stop crying". It is pretty funny now, because whenever she starts to cry about not getting her way, she goes and sits herself in the coner to do it. I do not have to say anything. She stays there for a minute or two, and then comes out. Gives me a grupy look, and then is fine.

[beckyww]

My three bio DD had much worse 3's than they did 2's. I can't say they cried at everything, but they cried, argued and disobeyed a great deal more at three than any other age.

And I gotta agree w/Kay - our philosphy always was, "Go to your room to cry. Come out when you want to be a good girl again."

Becky
The Woodworth Family in Beautiful San Antonio TX

[Mykidsmom]

8 months home is a very short time. Is it possible she is mourning her losses? Have you tryed talking about her past. Choose a quiet time when she is not upset about anything,spilling the milke,eating the toothpaste, etc. Has something changed in her routine? Something very small, could be huge to her, new daycare, new daycare staff, friends changed, new work hours for mom/dad. Three is a tough time, they are learning and achieving so much but we still must keep a short leash on them.

[calikismet]

MyKidsMom said: 8 months home is a very short time. Is it possible she is mourning her losses?

She has been home SINCE 8 months of age, and mid-October will be our 3-year anniversary of our gotcha day with her. I agree that IF she had only been home for 8 months, my perspective would be different.

I agree that the 3s are harder than the 2s. I have a friedn who says that whoever coined the term "terrible 2s" never had a 3 year old. I agree that our transition into 3 has been a lot harder than her 2s.

I like the suggestions, and will try a combination of recognition/ empathy, and firmness. I may need to add something like "I know how sad you must be that you cannot eat the toothpaste out of the tube, but that type of behavior is not okay. Please go to your room, and when you are ready to smile and be a happy girl, you are free to come out." I have done each of these seaprately (the empathy, OR the firmness), but not together... Who knows.. maybe validating her feelings will help her to grow out of it, and realize that although her emotions are okay, her behavior is not..

Thanks for the tips! Keep em coming! If anything, it is just so nice to know I am not alone!

[Mykidsmom]

I am sorry I mis-read, a case of mommy-brain for me again. Yes at 3 years home my idea is way off base.

Good luck to you and your littleone.

[GCS]

Our DD turned 3 in June and gone is her always sunny disposition. She cries, occasionally tempers and whines daily.

I usually acknowledge the issue first. "Yes, it is very sad you can not take a pen in the car to color on Mommy's seat. But that's the rule."

Tell her when it is appropriate "we'll color together when we get home from running our errands"

Redirect. "Here are some books to look at, do you want the Dora book or the Ariel one?"

and if the tears are still coming "Why are you still crying? I know, you must be tired. Maybe we should just take a nap after our errands."

I do send her to her room for a "rest" if she seems really crabby. Usually by the time I am redirecting her she is out of it. And I make a big deal about wiping away her tears and giving her a kiss. She cries more than she tempers and she looks so sad and heartbroken it really does touch me.

[amyfk]

I have no words of wisdom, just want to wish you best of luck. Maybe get a babysitter and get out of the house once in awhile if the crying wears you down daily.
Amy K, NJ

[MamaChinch]

I just started this with my 2.5 year old who will also start to whine at not getting her way.....I look up at the ceiling, she HATES that! "Don't look at the sky, Mommy!" I say, "Then you must use your big girl words instead of crying and Mommy will look down." Really quickly she stops crying and talks to me. Try the "Love and Logic" books, they use a lot of what some people have said here. I also point out to her that I cannot understand what she is saying when she is crying so if you stop crying Mommy can help you with what is wrong. She also has her moments when nothing works, even a time out! ugh! She's not even three yet.......I'll call YOU next year!!! he he!! I think the empathy anf firmness together might be a key.

[ddahl]

We have the same issue here but it generally only happens when we hold th eline and are firm with "the rules". I have started saying that crying lets mommy know you are tired so if you keep it up you will have to go down for a nap. Works 60% of the time. The other thing that has helped is like the othr poster who said go to your room and come out when you can be nice also mommy can not understand you when you cry so you need to use big boy words. lastly, I have found if I try to tickle him or grab him up for a ciddle and he immediatly smiles or giggles then I am sure the tears are just for show. No smile means that something is really wrong in his world. I think this is the stage where they master manipulation and controlig other people through it. Two was a breeze compared to three. I feel your pain. Sometimes I just want to run into the closet but I do not have a walk in...LOL!

[calikismet]

Thanks again for everyone's thoughts and advice. I will try a combination of approaches and see if I can get it to at least taper off....

My son never went thru this major crying stuff... but he is a whiner, big time (no crying, just whining). So she is beginning to copy some of his stuff, too, which means that we have to attack it on 2 front sometimes..

Oh, by the way, I asked her preschool if she does this at school with her teacher. Her teacher was genuinely surprised, and said that no, she was truly one of the best little ones in the class. So that makes me also realize that the tears are a big show for us!

Thanks again!

PS - to MyKidsMom: no worries about the confusion. I think MommyBrain is a bona fide condition once we have kids..

[mauserhaus]

I agree - with whining and crying, my DS (almost 3.5) gets counted. I don't need to tell him why - he knows. If I get to 3 he either needs to cry on the time out chair or in his room. Most of the time I only need to get to 2 - and I also make sure that I stay very monotoned in my reactions to him - I don't want him to think he can push my buttons - that would make it worse.

Good luck - 3 is WAY worse than 2 - isn't it?

[randloar]

Oh boy, can I relate to this one!! We have only been home 6 months but the 3.25 year old can cry at things we didn't have a clue mattered. Yeah, much of it is probably the 3 year old thing combined with his dealing with his new life with us.......kinda a crazy combination I have to admit!!

For him, we have been trying to deflect these things when appropriate, for example the not writing on the walls.......we let him know where we do use the pens, give him a choice between putting them away or drawing on the paper.......they love choices.........gives them the little bit of 'power' they need right now. When he is in the right state of mind, there is no meltdown at that junction as he feels in control still and chooses between the two......

Does that make sense? We found we were saying NO so much and that immediately brought the tears, so we are trying this and it really has diffused the reaction from him. Now, when he is tired or stressed all bets are off, but I can't blame him for that can I???

And little girl (19 months) is hitting this phase with breakdown screaming when told no, or attempts at distraction take place........not sure if this style will work with her, but we are starting to try it as our neighbors are starting to comment on how they hear our kiddos scream (she has a solid good loud one when she wants to!!!)..........so, we are hoping to find something soon!!

Hope everyones tricks help a little, I may try some of the suggestions on our little ones!!