[ddahl]

I hate to complain but I feel I have no place else to turn. PLEASE, No Flames.... I am seriously stressed out today and I am sure it will pass but today is really hard. After a long conversation with my Pediatrician, I have to accept the fact that my child who is "completly normal" is a handful from the moment he opens his eyes. I have continued to search for a diagnosis or a root cause but apparently he is just who he is. It is beyond the normal stuff of a mischevious boy. He literally never stops and he is sometimes not nice. Today, we went out to lunch and to the park and I got him out of his car seat and said stay right by Mommy. In 1.1 second he flipped the internal door locking mechanism rendering the door unable to shut. He has been told repeatedly about this and its like he will not learn or likes the negative reaction he gets. With him its always two steps forward and one back. I read all of the posts and everyone seems to have these wonderful children who are a joy beyond belief etc. etc. Is there anyone out there who is stuggling? Its been this way since we came home truthfully but I have been ashamed to admit it. I went back to work because I knew I could not do this 24-7. He is just a hard person to be around a lot of the time. The only time he is nice is when he is coming into our bed for a cuddle in the morning, which usually ends with him kicking us dive bombing us and wacking one of us in the nose. By 8 p.m. at night, I have just literally had it. I am gaining weight and I am depressed over it. I feel like the worst parent ever. I just cannot put my finger on his behavior, its just not what I want and its just not normal. I just bought the out of sync child and love and logic. I have been using attachment parenting since day one but I do not fully believe this child even loves me much less is attached to me. He tells me "I love my daddy more than you". Where does he get this from???Maybe he is just like his bio-parents??? I am at my wits end and any advise would be much appreciated. The thought of the next 15 years of dealing with this is overwhelming.

[tigger44]

ddahl-You are NOT the only one! In the adoption parenting world I think my first reaction to your post is attachment/post-institutional/abandonment related behavior. I'll admit as well, that our active, strong willed and boundary loving daughter, who lives to get a negative reaction from us, can be intolerable by bath and bed time at night. I have gotten pretty good at ignoring her negative behavior, most of the time. I don't give her the negative reaction she is working for, unless I'm really to my personal limit. I have read most of "Raising your Spirited Child", which fits our daughter well, but have also started reading "Parenting the strong-willed child" by Rex Forehand and Nicholas Long. These guys get you thinking about how much of your time with your children is spent focusing on the negative, and giving them commands. I didn't realize how much of my day was spent doing this. The book provides a five week program for changing how you respond to your child, and refocusing the type of attention you give to your child. Unfortunately, I've been working so much lately that we haven't had time to really start the program, but we did test out the first step for a day or two, and she responded so positively to it. So, this book is my recommendation to you.

The five parenting behaviors they teach (one each week) are:

"Attending"
"Rewarding"
"Ignoring"
"Giving directions"
"Using time-outs"

And then there are chapters about "Creating a more positive home", "Improving communication skills", "Developing more patience", "Building positive self-esteem", and "Helping your child solve problems with peers"

There's also a section on solving common behavior problems, such as temper tantrums, aggression, mealtime behavior, getting dressed, in the car, bed time (I really need to finish reading this book!!)

Good luck to you!

[angelkisses0102]

I'll just throw some ideas out there.

1.) Trust your gut. If you do not believe you child's behaviors are within the realm of normal...keep digging. Because you keep coming back to this, I am guessing (and could be wrong) that something still doesn't sit right with you. Not once did our pedi think our DS was anything but 'normal.' I knew in my heart of hearts his behaviors were well beyond the realm of normal. There are no true IA doctors around here, so.... Our pedi disagreed with my belief that DS was SID/SPD...luckily I didn't listen her and we went through the school district for a pre-K evaluation. He is having his full work-up and getting his IEP and potentially going into exceptional student program (read special needs preschool/pre-K) at the end of this month...with all his therapies being provided by the school district. He was in (for the IEP/therapy, fingers crossed for the other program) before they even saw him based on what I had prepared for them. The pedi is great but she does not know my child like I do.

2.) Diet issues. Very common for food allergies and intolernces, along with dye and preservative issues to cause serious behavioral problems. Also, look into supplements and biomed alternatives for his behavior. Diet changes and supplements have created a new child in my DS. Really he is a different and much, much, much more pleasant and happy child than just 3 months ago.

3.) Survivor traits. I posted about this elsewhere but here is some of what I posted...I did it after reading through the old-timers update here and seeing these mentioned more than once. Someone also added good-humored as well.

....Often when we describe our kids...we being parents of PI kids...we use the same descriptive words. Here is a partial list of these traits...I am not talking about 'issues' but general descriptive terms. And even when our kids struggle with any of their issues...they seem to manage to come out ahead of where they are expected to be based on their diagnosis.

~Very smart, advanced, intelligent beyond their age.
~Strong willed, stubborn, determined.
~Active, busy baby or toddler.
~Outgoing, bubbly personality, lights up the room.
~Fiesty.

I am certain there are more...but you get the idea.

I fully believe that if most of our kids did not possess there characteristics, they would have simply wasted away in the orphanages. And by surviving they probably further imbedded these traits into themselves...if that makes any sense. They survived because of these traits and these traits are theirs because they survived.

In the end, I guess all I can say is hang in there and realize that some days being a parent S-U-C-K-S!!! Hang onto the positives and let the negitives go and remember every day is a new day. Good luck.

[2Bulgarianbeauties]

I am jumping in from the Bulgarian board here. And, what I am going to write is my experience only, so please do not flame me for this.

When I brought home my second daughter, she also is very strong willed. And I was warned about this from the orphanage. When I brought her home, she was not nice either. And, I was worried about attachment, so I did the attachment parenting. It backfired. She would hit, I would hold her. She would bite, I would hold her. Etc. So, her reaction was - hey, this is great, the more I hit my sister, the more mom holds me.

It finally ended when I stopped parenting her differently than any other child. So, she hit, she sat in the corner. She spit, she sat in the corner. When she was bad, mom was mad, and she was in trouble. Within 1 week, it all ended. She is still strong willed, but her bad behavior is easily contained.

I cannot speak to your son, and given he has been acting like this a long time, it might not be easy to correct. It sounds like tigger has some good suggestions.

Good luck.

Kay

[jaw's mom]

Thank you for posting this. We are going through a really rough time with one of our sons right now. He is VERY stong willed. Some days, I am just at my wits end! I am going to Amazon right now to get the before mentioned books. I have read Dr. Dobson's books and one called Making Your Children Mind, So That You Don't Lose Yours! Both were great, but I need more ideas!

Being a SAHM is very difficult...especially with a husband that travels. I am more tired now than I ever was teaching 25 fifth graders! I just know that if we hang in there, our kids will grow to be well adjusted, responsible adults! My son's pre-school teacher wisely told me that I just had to be more strong willed than he is. She told me to remember my mission......the hard work now will pay off later!

So, Let's hold tight to the mission! Keep the encouragement coming!

[momraine]

The deep dark secret of parenting is it's hard. No one wants to admit that, because we all assume that everyone else has a perfect child and no problems so we are often afraid to say, "my kid is making me crazy!". It's also hard when you start out with a slightly older child. When it's a newborn, you can ease into the parenting, because at first they sleep a lot and can't go anywhere by themselves or talk back, those skills all come gradually. You didn't get to ease into it. LOL. The survival skills post is one that is important think about. Think about the orphanage life from the viewpoint of a baby. What would get you more attention, since as an infant, more attention probably meant more food, and faster dry clothes and stuff.
As for the attachment issues, most ped's have never even heard of it, and so they don't get it and cant' diagnose it. If you gut is telling you something is wrong, then see if you can get evaluated by a therapist experienced in adoption stuff.
Oh and one thing, as adoptive parents we feel even guiltier for having issues with our kids, becuase we feel like people will be thinking, you spend thousands and flew across the world to get this kid, you should appreciate every moment. Every parent has days where they wonder if they have any idea what they are doing, and every one of us has had nights when we are releived when they finally fall asleep! Anyone who says differently is lying or crazy!

[GCS]

Hang in there. It will get better. And keep searching. My pediatrican and many others kept telling me that my boy was just an active boy. I knew better. Things have gotten much better lately but we occassionally have a really bad day.

Yesterday was one of those really bad days. It had been so long since we had one I had forgotten how stressful they are. The difference now is I know what triggers it and I am beginning to understand him better which lessens my frustration when things do not go well.

There are lots of us out here who struggle. And its really isolating to be parenting an out of control child. You get a lot of well meaning advice from outsiders who have no idea what you are dealing with on a day to day basis.

For us getting the Sensory Integration Disorder diagnose was a blessing. It gave me a starting point and gave me some tools to use at home (we are on a sensory diet now and this has been very helpful).

I have just started using 1-2-3 Magic. I tried this early on (2 years ago) and it was a disaster. Today he is ready for a more traditional discipline approach. This was completely inaffective and just made me more frustrated when I first attempted using it.

I monitor his diet(organic milk, eliminating foods with artifical dyes and colors) and his sleep. Both of these are very important in my eyes. There is a good book by Doris Rapp called "Is This Your Child?" that talks about allergies and behavior. I haven't made it through all of it yet, but it has been a very good read for me regarding both my children.

Hang in there and vent away. You will always find someone here who can say "I understand".

Thinking of you!
Christina

[ddahl]

Thank you for the heartfelt replies. It really means so much to be able to share from the heart.

Jawsmom-My DH has been working 6 days a week for some time now (business owner now) and its a lot of time with just me and DS. I honestly do not know how single parents do it. They are amazing.

I had to put myself down for a nap with DS. now that I am up and have had "snack" (lol) I am feeling a bit better but you can believe I am typing very very quietly!

[angelkisses0102]

LOL, I just heard this song...and thought of this post...trust me every single one of us have felt exactly as you are feeling and we all will be there again.

If You're Going Through H$%*
------Rodney Atkins

(Before The Devil Even Knows)

Well you know those times
When you feel like there's a sign there on your back
Say's I don't mind if ya kick me
Seems like everybody has
Things go from bad to worse
You'd think they can't get worse than that
And then they do

You step off the straight and narrow
And you don't know where you are
Use the needle of your compass
To sew up your broken heart
Ask directions from a genie
In a bottle of Jim Beam
And she lies to You
And that's when you learn the truth

If you're going through h$%*
Keep on going, Don't slow down
If you're scared, don't show it
You might get out
'fore the devil even knows you're there

Well I been deep down in that darkness
I been down to my last match
Felt a hundered different demons
Breathing fire down my back
And I knew that if I stumbled
I'd fall right into the trap that they were laying

But the good news
Is there's angels everywhere out on the street
Holding out a hand to pull you back up on your feet
The one's that you been dragging for so long
You're on your knees
You might as well be praying

Guess what I'm saying
If you're going through h$%*
Keep on going, Don't slow down
If you're scared, don't show it
You might get out
'fore the devil even knows you're there

Yeah, If you're going through h$%*
Keep on moving, Face that fire
Walk right through it
You might get out
'fore the devil even knows you're there

If you're going through h#$*
Keep on going, Don't slow down
If you're scared, don't show it
You might get out
'fore the devil even knows you're there

Yeah, If you're going through h$%*
Keep on moving, Face that fire
Walk right through it
You might get out
'fore the devil even knows you're there
Yeah you might get out
'fore the devil even knows you're there
Yeah
Oooooooooo

[karenmarq]

Last summer I had a high school neighbor girl come in and play with DD on Wednesday and Thursday from 3:30-5:30. I worked on other things in another room.

My DH was working out of town during the week. It really gave me a break and she was happy to get the babysitting money.

I know I am finding myself more irritable when the weather is hot and although we have been doing more play dates, I am not really getting the alone time during the day I would like. We are both crankier than usual.

Best wishes on solving some of the other issues with your oh-so-cute son.

Karen

[Pinkie]

Hi Dixie, you are not the only one - believe me we are out there!!! DD has been alot better lately but it wasn't so long ago she wasn't particulary nice to be around. You know, I remember thinking one day something on the lines of, she may have a pretty little face and she dresses in pretty clothes but it doesn't make her a nice child (this is after she hit one girl at school and was not nice to 2 others) . Now, that sounds harsh and particularly harsh to say about your own child so I figured things had to change. Just an example to give you, Antonina would wake up in the morning just fine and within 5 minutes of waking up she would be in a bad mood and by that I mean arms folded screwing her face up because she wasn't getting her own way. This could be anything from not being allowed to have the t.v. on first thing to me not tickling her enough. With DD it also used to feel two steps forward one step back and still does sometimes. I always associate it with every time she kind of lets go and starts to enjoy herself she'd pull herself in again and remind herself and me that I'm not her bio-mum. I also realised she fed on the negative as in, if I say something is black she will say its white, if I say no she will say yes and vice versa (....I've said yes to somethings were she was clearly thinking I'd say no and what a shock it is to her).

Just a few short weeks ago we were driving past a field and DD noticed there were many birds in the field, she casually asked out loud why the birds were all sitting in the field and I replied that I didn't know exactly but they must be feeding off something in the field that they liked. Well, the reply from the back seat was something like I NEVER ASKED YOU WHAT THE BIRDS WERE DOING. I don't mind admitting I was so upset and was glad to be on the way to summer school so I could drop her off and leave her there for the morning!

By the way Dixie, Antonina is rarely out of bed much after 8pm even during the summer unless was have a night out, she needs her sleep and I need my space, and I too am gaining weight and feeling miserable with it. I'm the first to admit that now I'm starting to get DD's behaviour under control I have to concentrate on getting my weight under control before I start getting depressed about it.

For all those reading who don't know me, DD came home as an older child and she is the light of my life but last year (our first year together) was very hard and its important for people to understand that its not always so perfect.

Oh, another thing Dixie, I did seek help from a physchologist during the first months of this year which I feel helped but you gotta laugh as my Pediatrian who's son/wife adopted from India recently has told me to stop trying to treat DD differently from the other kids, to stop therapy, to not go back for any more neuro tests and stop looking for something that isn't there!!!........does head gone west....reaching for the chocolate cake....ring a bell???

[nhook]

A couple of suggestions. Allow yourself some breaks. I don't think you said how old he was when he came home, but in my case, my son was 3 years old. Every child takes a different amount of time to adjust.

Is it possible that he is really testing you? My son tests me WAY more than my husband. He still says he loves me very much but if Mama and Papa are both in the room, he will 99 percent of the time go to Papa. It is hard for me sometimes because I didn't get the baby bonding time that most mothers get.

It will get better with time. I also sometimes wonder if certain behaviors are related to being adopted from an orphanage or it if is just normal "kids stuff". I would also try to talk to your agency social worker (the one who did your home study). They might have some more suggestions.

Don't give up!!

[mom2M&A]

We brought home 2 boys, ages 3.5 and 5 at adoption. Boys are a handful, but I agree with the above posters that if you feel like your child is more active than "normal" you need to keep searching. But in the meantime try to find a mother's helper to give you a break for a couple hours a week. You wouldn't believe the relief it will give you and that will spill over to your parenting. The other thing is, depending on your child's age, maybe staying with mom all day is too lonely. My oldest was at the age he needed to interact with other kids. He'd get this longing look on the playground watching the kids that knew each other.
In the long run, I think you should look into occupational therapy. (the books for out of sync children come into play here) My oldest has some sensory issues I'm pretty sure, but the dr. wrote a general prescription for OT so the insurance covers it. We just started, but I'm hopeful that the OT will help his manage his boundaries and focus his attention where it needs to be.
the other book I've heard recommended is parenting with love and logic by bryan post. I haven't read it, so can't give it a rec, just passing the info along.

[Waiting2Be]

Don't be so hard on yourself. I know where you are coming from, and from reading all these posts, a lot of us here know and experience it every day.

DD has been home with us 14 months this coming week, and for the most part she is a loving, happy, extremely energetic, sweet little girl, who will be 3 in a few weeks.

She is a handful and by 7pm I and dh are so ready for her to go to bed. She is stuborn, and strong willed and if she does not get her way watch out, she screams, throws things and has just recently started biting.

I love her to peices, but some days she can drive me absolutely insane.

I too have been gaining wait, eating and drinking way too much and feeling aweful about it.

Hang in there, it's all worth it in the end.

[SingleMama2B]

Don't be hard on yourself! We all have days like this... Even though my DD is an older child... she still deals with orphanage/institutional behaviors, and back tracks. For the most part.... she is fine, and settled, but there are days (not just an hour or a few hours, but a whole day) that she seems to have forgotten the rules, manners, how to be nice, etc. Most of the time I can handle it, but if it the end of a week... it is harder. Being a single mom (I've never been happier), by the end of the week working, organizing, cleaning, etc. my patience are not the best.

I do have to take a break.... I usually only get to go on the back deck, but it is away, and in fresh air. DD knows when I say... I need to go outside for a few minutes ALONE. My family lives not so far away (45+ minutes), but they are always busy, so DD are 99% together when not in school, summer camp, etc. I honestly wouldn't trade this for the world.