[Russiamomto3]

There I was at my daughter's gymnastics practice yesterday, minding my own business and beaming that DD can now climb to the very top of the rope (she is 5 and about 6 months ago couldn't even hold on to it). So one of the other little girl's grandmothers was there to watch. She looked at me and said "wow you daughter has gotten so much better", I said "yes she has thank you" She said "SOOOO where does she get the determination from??? Mom or dad?" I guess I opened the can of worms, but since most of the moms there know DD is adopted I said to grandmom " She is Russian!!!" At that point one of DD's coaches was standing next to me...she too is Russian and very attached to my DD. Grandmom said "OHHHH you adopted her?" I said "yes" Grandmom "Wow must have cost a lot of money...Does she have any diseases? Is she healthy? " (Yup all on one breath). My response, as I looked at the coach was "She is fine" Grandmom "So what do you know about her family?" I looked at her and said " We have all the information we need" She continued to probe but I wouldn't respond. THEN !!! the best part, she looked at her other to grandchildren that were watching the other grandchild, they were about 5 and 10 and said "You see the smallest girl out there with the dark hair? She is adopted from Russia, can you believe it and mom says she is not sick"
Needless to say I almost jumped out of my skin and took old granny down !!! I can't believe elderly people just don't get it !!! They talk and act as if they are 3 year olds with lots of questions.
Granny's daughter looked at me and rolled her eyes during the converstation, she then gave me and I'm sorry look as we left.
DD's coach and I chatted afterwards and she said she gets a lot of the comments from the granny's as well. One insulted her because her English isn't perfect and asked her why she was in the US if she didn't know perfect English yet. (She's been here 10 years and learned just by watching TV and listening, she is VERY well educated).
I have to say I my parents ever become Granny I will have to send them to some kind of Pre-School for the elderly to remind them of their manners !!!
Sorry to vent....just one of those days

[Amysue1112]

I am sorry..it is too darn sad that these people don't have common sense and concern for others' feelings.

I had the same type of thing happen many months back, and it was from a grandmother who HAS an adopted grandchild from Russia!!!
I was chatting about the adoptive family vacation that we were going on (the one we had this month) and she made a HUGE deal of it and was like "WHY would you want to hang out with a lot of lot of adoptive families???? She is an AMERICAN now!" She went on and on and could not believe we would actually be celebrating her adoption and her heritage....especially b/c she was "one of those Russians".

Like some told me (which didn't help much at the time b/c I was so upset)..many elderly still have bad feelings and beliefs about Russians, sad but true. Even my dad said "You know I was raised to hate Russians..so it was great for you to keep a blog and let everyone know how wonderful the Russians were to you, how much they helped you and how kind they were to you". In that context, I completely understood. But what is it about people who butt in where they don't belong adn then say say stupid things like this?? ARGH...sad but some people don't have any darn sense or couth!


Sorry it upset you though..I can undestand...it would have ticked me off too..

[lonni]

Why did she ask about disease? I don't get that. Is there a stereotype about adoptees from Russia that I don't know about? (I have no expereince with this at all) I adopted through foster/adopt special needs domestic.

[Russiamomto3]

Apparently Granny knew someone who had looked into Russian adoptions and they told her that all the kids were sick.
OHHHHHHHHHHHH the lack of knowledge !!! It's heartbreaking to know that our kids are judged like this either to our faces or behind our backs.
DD had practice again tonight....if Granny is there and asks any other questions, I intend to ask her if her family (kids, grandkids and her) are sick.
We all say that we know how we would respond in these situations, but when it becomes reality you are so shocked that you can't think of your responses until days later !!!

[lonni]

Sheesh- as if we adoptees don't already live with the stereotype that our bfamilies did not want us and we are somehow defective or they are (or both ) and we are "second choice" to our aps. UGH UGH UGH,....

I am sorry that this lady is helping to spread yet another myth. I know when people heard "special needs" when we adopted ~they expected our child to have 3 heads.

[beckyww]

That would be hurtful and irritating - but you know - we'll all probably be the same way - not about this, but about something. We visited with some former neighbors - now elderly - two weeks ago and heard the "n" word several times. That's how they were reared. It's their mindset. I don't think they necessarily "mean" anything by it, it's how they think.

We grew up in a heavily Jewish neighborhood in Houston. I saw the tattoos on the wrists of people in the grocery store. One of those elderly people spit on my very first car that I got in 1974 - a 1962 Volkswagon Beetle. Yes, spit on it. While ranting about Nazis. Big greasy glob. Right in front of me. I didn't like it - but I understood it. It would have been pointless and condescending for me to give a history lesson on the differences between 1974 and 1944.

A veteran in one of my former churches was held in a Japanese POW camp. He flatly would not buy Japan-manufactured anything, nor would he do business (or even speak) with people of Japanese descent. Did I think that was wrong? Well....what I think really doesn't matter. I didn't have my knees broken in a Japanese POW camp, or hold my friends as they died. I felt sorry for him, though, because he was so bitter.

I don't know what I'll be "crazy" about when I'm older, but I'm sure it will be something my kids won't understand. Because I was born in 1956 and was shaped growing up in the 50's, 60's and 70's. They were born in the 90's and 2000. I expect to get the whole rolled-eye, "Mother! How can you think that?" comments - just like I gave to my mother. And just like she gave to hers.

I remember the duck'n'cover drills of the 60's all too well. I remember sweating in the hallways of those unairconditioned schools and wishing Russia would just blow up so we didn't have to do this. The pamphlets I saw on "How to Survive a Nuclear Blast" scared me. If I had actually had a family member injured or killed because of an act of Russia, I would probably feel differnetly than I do now - which is just to have a sense of irony that I adopted a child from the country that caused me to duck'n'cover whenever that air raid siren went off.

I'll probably be just as clueless as Granny who thinks all our Russian-born kiddos are disease-carrying rodents. I just won't be clueless about Russian adoption!

Talk to my kids in about 20 years - I'm sure they'll be happy to make a list of my failings, which I'm sure will be plentiful. :-)

Becky
The Woodworth Family in Beautiful San Antonio TX

[ddahl]

Sounds like a case of Stupi-rreha. We have been encountering it a lot lately as well. I am told its terminal with no possible hope of a cure. Warning signs are:
-Constant-thoughtless running of the mouth
-Spontanious unprovoked commentary in front of little ears
-Knowledge of all things foreign and domestic

We can only hope for a cure!

[Drazil]

I am so sorry you had to hear that and we have heard our share of ignorant things from older people (I have always said that just because you are old does not give you a free pass to be ugly towards people). There have been some good points brought up and the ironic thing is that the Russian people were raised to think the same about us! They went through the same drills, same objections, same myths etc, only it was about us! I would hope the majority of us have risen above the prejudices that were instilled in us growing up as we have formed our own opinions (I hope anyway) and no longer buy into everything that is thrown our way (especially by the government like it was back then). So hopefully when we are older we will have more sense to hold our tongues and not be so ignorant.

[GCS]

Yikes!

I had a similiar experience at the park the other day - a group of parents point blank asking me what adoption from Russia costs these days. I don't mind discussing this with other PAPs, but these people were just being nosey.

I tried to use my automatic, "yes it is expensive but you have to remember that doing anything through our court system is costly as well and there are a number of people involved in this legal process." This usually gets people to think about what the process involves and the money discussion get tabled. In this case they just had to keep asking "is it more than 20K? More than 30? Did you get a discount for 2 children?

If they weren't people I will be seeing often through my son's park district I would have just turned and walked away from them. Instead I smiled and kept redirecting them like a 3 year old.

[momraine]

Sometimes I tell them it costs about the same as a domestic adoption, or sometimes I tell them that I never took the time to add it up. (dh did, LOL) and sometimes I will launch into a boring discussion on how some of the highest fees I paid were to US immigration, and some of the hoops we had to go through for the American side of the adoption. That usually shuts people up. I bore them with stuff they don't care about like the fingerprinting and how one goverment entity doesn't seem to talk to the others, because even though your finger prints don't change, if you do another adoption you have to do it again and also for the police clearence you needed separate ones etc.

[heikewould]

I just wrote to the Today Show this morning!!!


To Whom it may concern,

Talk about spewing information. This morning I watched to your reporter, Gigi something or other, relay her report regarding the three brutal home invasion murders. When your reporter had nothing to report on regarding the two men that are now in custody for the crime, she goes on to say what she does know is that the 26 years old is adopted. That's it, nothing else, it's as if she threw out an underlying subliminal message. What I ask you does that have to do with the price of tea in China? For heavens sake are you implying that all adopted people are potentially murderers? Pull your head out. (of the sand or anywhere else you can think of).

Thank you for your time,

Heike Macklin
Santa Monica, CA

[leeinmemphis]

I know what you mean unfortunately! Last Christmas our boys and I were at Dillards (boys were 6 at the time and home two years so they understand English now) and she kept saying something along the lines of they arent "real brothers" then.....

every time I see that old red headed bat it makes me mad!

alli

[amyfk]

I think I had mentioned this story here a few months ago but I will post it again.
We were eating at the Old Country Buffet. There was an elderly lady next to me. It wasnt that long after our adoption and i proudly announced to the lady that our baby is from Russia. She in turn proceeded to ask me if our daughter was a "black market baby."
Since she can pass for my biological daugther I dont bother sharing with folks anymore that she is adopted. In some situations you cannot hide it, in others you can. I dont feel like being bothered with the numheads of the world.
Amy K, NJ

[Russiamomto3]

There are times when I wish I kept my mouth shut and don't say that my kids are adopted. But I am so proud of how far them have come, all the stuff they have overcome, that my pride gets the best of me. Especially in this situation when my daughter, the smallest in the class (as granny pointed out) is now by passing all the stronger kids, she is determined and in love with gymnastics. The fact that the coaches are Russian just makes it all the better for her, she is learning some Russian from them and they truly love her (and my other 2 children) to the point of they want us to go and visit Russia with them to see "the real Russia".

This might have sparked the conversation if Granny was observant, but she wasn't and didn't notice what it said on the back of DD's leotard.

[TweetyMom04]

Originally Posted by amyfk

Since she can pass for my biological daugther I dont bother sharing with folks anymore that she is adopted. In some situations you cannot hide it, in others you can. I dont feel like being bothered with the numheads of the world.Amy K, NJ

Ditto that!

Here is a numhead story for the books! I took both Boys to a GP several months ago, each had their own sickness-es. The GP starts asking me how long was the PG, any problems delivering, how long was labor, etc. Why the Q's, I don't know, but I could have answered them b/c I do have the information. But I didn't, I said, "they are both Adopted." He, dropped his jaw, eyes widen to the size of silver dollar pancakes and he turned white. It was a sight to be seen and completely un-professional. He quickly looked at both of them, never touched either, did not do a thorough examination of either and turned to me and said, there was nothing he could do! The problems persisted and I requested copies of the medical records. On that visit, he never wrote, why we came in, never wrote the symptons, never wrote course of treatment. Simply: Children are adopted from Russia, by American Parents. Talk about your numhead!!