[ChicagoKaren]

I've been lurking on this site for a while. I'm curious to know the realities of adopting older kids.

My husband and I almost hosted two girls this summer (ages 7 & 9, I think), but we didn't have our homestudy done and time ran out.
We had initially ruled out Russia because of the expense. And I've heard all of the issues with adopting older kids -- attachment disorders, post traumatic stress, etc. I know there's a risk to having children -- whether biological or adopted, but I just want to get a better idea of the experiences of others. I can't stop thinking about those little girls.

[kazmumtobe]

Older kids can be great - but I would talk in-depth and read ALOT before jumping into that.... it is tough tough tough - but do-able. If you have any other kids at home - you have to be careful about interupting the birth order and you have to know if the children you are bringing into the home have any history of abuse which they could pass on to your child/ren already at home. I have read that about 25% of older child adoptions are disrupted (meaning the adopting family finds a new home for the child and the new family adopts the child).

It is true - the older they are the more issues they CAN have - not all do - but most have some issue that must be dealt with immediately or your home will be turned on its ear (will be anyway if you bring home 2 girls)

Good luck - just be prepared for a rough ride initially - but eventually most do well.

[SingleMama2B]

I agree that you truly need to read alot about adopting older children, either in the states or from another country. Adopting at any age in general is NOT for everyone, but if it is truly what your family wants, it can be the best experience of your life.

I adopted my daughter from Russia when she was 8.3 years old. I truly believe that if any child, at any age is in an institution, there will be some sorta of issues. I have gotten to know some families that adopted babies (up to 12 months old), and some of them have issues. Some older children will have deeper issues then others. My daughter has been affected from alcohol, adhd, which has resulted with some learning disabilities. She is blossoming, learning, and the happiest girl I know. She is my sunshine every morning. My niece came home 2 1/2 weeks after my Daughter came home. She is extremely bright, beautiful, growing at an outstanding rate, but suffers from PTSD, Rage, Anxiety, etc. Both my Daughter and Niece are getting the care, love, and help that they need to be well rounded, healthy children and adults.

I am a strong advocate for older child adoptions. Hosting would be a great way for you to meet these wonderful children (no matter what country of origin). This way you are helping a child/ren learn about our culture, family life, etc., and you will get to know them alittle bit, and to see if you would want to pursue an older child adoption.

[mjkkbbr]

Our Russian daughter joined our family at 8 years old. Her siblings were 3, 4, 6, 9 and 10 at her arrival. Other than minor language issues, lying and some self-care/hygeine we have had no complications. She is happy, healthy and helpful. She has bonded well with her siblings both older and younger and adapted quite well to the school and home routines.

[PollyG]

My daughter came home from Russia 2 weeks after turning 10. The first 6 months were a nightmare - lots of tantrums, running away, defiance, hitting, screaming..... her older brother, 11, (my bio) locked his door at night because he was afraid of her! Things improved after 3 months and the negative behavior had all but disappeared after 6 months. Today she is well adjusted, has tested out of ESL and doing great at school. She has a strong personality (very detail oriented where I am not!) and still "clings" to me in unknown situations -but she is a delightful, funny, and responsible child who actually loves her new brother and gets along with him now aside from the normal bickering. During the adjustment period I wondered "what have I done!" but truly have no regrets. I also know I am very fortunate that my daughter has few problems (no learning disabilities, no mental issues or FAS, etc) that we know of at this point.....but the teenage years are just around the corner so I expect new things may crop up then. Attachment is a continuing process so we still work on that daily. All in all, adopting my daughter has added much to our lives (hers too!) but it is not for the faint of heart.

[beckyww]

We adopted Julia - then age 6 - from St. Pete in May 06. We had some issues while we were there, which we handled thanks to the advice of many good books and many sharing parents. Since we've been home, we have had only minor issues, and the typical misbehaviors of any school-age child. Bio kids aren't perfect either, and we have three of those, now ages 16, 13 and 11.

We spoke to dozens of parents before we made our first trip in 2/06, and of those, we heard two first-hand horror stories of older child adoption. One family was in Houston, one in San Anxtonio. What they both had in common - Neither family used the disciplines of an agency (forced attendance in scare-yout-out-of-it educational sessions), neither family read anything, neither family used an IA doctor to evaluate their referral and neither - at least it seemed to me - had two parents determined to make it work.....more like, "If this is what you want to do...." Both families started off all noble and high-minded about "saving a child," but I'm not sure either really wanted another child for another child's sake. Sort of like taking a cute little kitten and not thinking it's going to be a cat with claws and a litter box.

Do a lot of reading, and do a lot of talking with parents that have done it. One question I always asked was, "What would you do differently?" And I know it's worked for some, and God bless them - but I wouldn't interrupt birth order. It seems to jar the rest of the family too much, and you don't need them jarred. You need everyone to know who they are and what they are in theunit before you introduce such a huge unknown variable into the mix.

Our Julia - now 7 - is a treasure. Does that mean every day is roses? No. Matter of fact, right now she is having to re-adjust to the expectations of regular family life, after a week with grandparents. She is bright, loving, funny, eager to learn and a joy most of the time. Then again, she's human, and stubborn and determined to have her way with three older sisters....so let the games begin.

I am constantly amazed and a little annoyed w/the people who sweetly ask, "Don't you think she's grateful you adopted her?" Hello? No! Why would she be? And how many seven-year-olds do you know that are grateful for anything? She was happy in Russia. She's happy here, too, but she was happy there. She had a much smaller world, but she knew her place in it. We came and interrupted that. One day - when she has made it out of the child-like learning years and (shudder) out of the self-centered teenage years, she will probably look back and think, "Man, I'm glad I have a family now." But today - she's seven years old and what she sees is that her sisters want to watch "My Super Sweet 16" while she wants to watch Power Rangers.........."And that is not fair, Mom, that is not fair."

Older kids can and do fit into families. Absolutely! Just get yourself ready for it.

Becky
The Woodworth Family in Beautiful San Antonio TX

[momraine]

I remember when we were between trips to bring our son home and everyone kept saying he must be so excited to be adopted and I had to tell them no. I asked them if they knew any six year olds who wanted to leave everything and everyone they knew and go live with strangers. Strangers who don't know thier language who smell different, look different, serve different food, have a different schedule, celebrate different holidays, etc. Now, yes we did try to keep some things the same, but the truth is living here is way different than living in an orphanage. Kids don't usually like change, they like familiar. Now, he is happy to be here, but every now and then he tells us he misses Poland. (though usually only when he doesnt' get his way, LOL)

[another2]

We should be leaving in a couple of weeks on Trip 1 of our adoption of a 13 year old (we think) boy from Latvia. We hosted last Christmas and I cannot imagine adopting an older child -- at least if you already have children -- any other way. Maybe others are more brave, but we found it to be a great way to see what he was like and if he "fit" with our family. I would definitely try to do one of the longer hosting programs (4-5 weeks) and not one of the 10 day programs. The kids usually try to be on their best behavior and can "fake it" for a while, but after 2 1/2-3 weeks, anything serious usually does start to show.

After a lifetime of abuse, neglect and institutionalization, it would seem that the odds are probably much higher for running into all the scary issues -- but having adopted four infants and spent lots of time in therapy of various sorts, what we keep hearing from the therapists is that it is what happens during the first year of their life that is most important in what issues they have later. Since together ours have had RAD, sensory issues, severe rage and grief issues and were all adopted at 14 months and under, that seems to be true.

Anyway, after this adoption, we plan to adopt another older child -- although after the heartache we have gone through with Russia, probably from Latvia again. From what we saw during the hosting program and from friends that have already adopted older children from the hosting program, there are lots of wonderful older children in the orphanages with issues no worse than what you can end up with if you get an infant...

[DET62]

My daughter was adopted at 13 years old, in 2004. She is now a bright, funny, sweet 16 year old. We have had issues, but no worse than issues faced by my friends who have bio kids the same age.

I just returned from Kaz with a 10 year old boy. He is doing great. He is so loving and sweet, and funny. He adores his big sister. We have a few minor issues, but he is overall a real joy.

Having said that, I know of situations where older kids have lots of issues.

The key is to educate yourself - talk to other families, read blogs, check out websites, etc. Be prepared. I think hosting is a great thing, as long as the children are available to adopt, and you are prepared that it might not work out.

I love babies, but I am so glad my children are older, since I am single. I can talk to my kids - even though I had to learn some Russian to do it. LOL

Good luck!
Dee

[Hudson]

So many times we have been told..."Oh your daughter is so lucky that you adopted her". NO we are the lucky ones!!!!! When we received the referral info on our son (19 mo when came home) it indicated that he had a 10year old sister also in an orphanage. After a lot of soul searching, reseach, reading and talking to people we dediced to meet her on our first trip. One look and we both melted. There was no way we could not come back for both of them. It was the best decision of our lives.

The first few months were very rough, no denying that. But you just have to do your homework and be prepared for everything and know that the adjustment period will end. We did have some minor issues with her but we expected too. She needed to learn what it was like to live in a home with a family verse an institution. Of course there will be issues. But it was nothing scary or out of control. The language was very difficult but there are so many resources to help you through that. Now all we are dealing with are the typical 12 year old everyday things.

Fast forward 16 months and the adjustment period will be a blur. She is just the most beautiful, happy, sweet caring little girl. She did great in school last year and is loving life at camp everyday with her friends. We are so very fortunate.

I agree with above poster, it is not for the faint of heart.....but it is SO WORTH IT!!!!

[LilyMoon]

You have gotten some great advice here. We adopted our daughter at age 4.5. She is one of the great joys of my life, an amazing kid and I am so grateful to have her in my life. However, it was a rough beginning. She had a tough adjustment to a whole new life, new parents, new family, new everything. It took a good 6 months of intense attachment parenting on my part to work through many of her issues upon coming home. I did regression, co-sleeping, co-eating, bottle feeding, lots of babying. I had to teach her what it meant to have a Mom and Dad and what it meant to live a family life. It was hard work and time consuming. Was it worth it? YES!!!!!

She is a normal kid, working at grade level or above, has friends, goes to camp, plays with her brother, is loving and caring and fun to be around.

If you feel you can devote yourself to this undertaking and be ready for anything that comes your way...then go for it.

[Abdulina]

Hosting is the way to go. Older children are great to adopt but not w/out their issues. Of course, IMO, all PI kids will have issues no matter what. I mean, just look on these forums and you'll see all sorts of issues for infants on up. The key is to prepare yourself and then don't beat yourself up when things go wrong. The first few months home are not a cake walk. We've gotten used to it. These last two adoptions for us seemed to transition the easiest into our family. But it wasn't always that way. There are things you can do(trust me, we've learned all the tricks over the years--LOL), that can lessen their anxiety. Do some of the tricks and you'll have an easier transition period. Kids learn language quickly. Our 8yo has been home 7 months now and can use sarcasm quite well w/her sibs. Urghh.

I think more people should step up to adopt older kids. They get such a bad rap and they really and truly shouldn't. They have just so much to offer to the family. And I thought older kids you wouldn't get to know as well. NOT TRUE!!! You'll know them as well as the younger ones. Plus, there "firsts" are so amazing to watch b/c they can express what they feel. It's awesome. My kids at time of adoptions were: 3, 4, 4, 6, 6, 7, & 8. They are now 4, 7, 8, 8, 11, 12, & 14. Would I adopt another older child?...Yes. Most likely will in the future. Okay, so hubby is NOT on board yet--LOL. Plus, too many other medical things happening right now. But yes, I would do it again in a heartbeat. Read some older child adoption stories. BTW, Dee's blog is great and her son is recently home! Good older child story and how they transition.

All the best,

[lippylulu]

We adopted an 8 year old who had been in an orphanage about 3 years. She has made a great adjustment and everyone loves her. That being said, she does have her issues---loss, grief, trauma. She still misses her first mother from Russia and is in denial about how bad things really were. She has done beautifully with us, in school, with friends, etc. She is the picture of health in almost every way. We recent started her in therapy for her loss and PTSD issues since she was starting to express some fearfulness at night and having nightmares (PTSD symptoms). I am a psychologist who specializes in PTSD so I knew exactly when the time was right for her to get started (abot 1 1/2 years after she was home as she is 10 now). On the surface, our kid is more normal than 3/4 of our friend's kids...its not always easy but parenting is never easy. She is a joy and the love of our lives! We never for one second have doubted whether adopting an older child was the best thing in the world for ALL of us!