[votemom]

we have come to the conclusion that there is just NO WAY that we are NOT going to get lots of comments when our girls come home.

1. we are middle-aged.
2. we have three older kids (20, 17, 13)
3. we will soon have two toddlers.
4. they are six days apart in age.
5. they looks NOTHING alike - in fact, they could not possible look any different.


i had assumed i would just answer briefly and honestly. "no, they are not twins" "yes they are adopted" "no they are not biologically related", etc., etc., etc.

a friend came over yesterday and she said that we should just tell everyone they are twins from the start.

what?! really? that never occured to me. i guess because it's not true.


your thoughts??

[Katie63011]

First of all, I don' think you will get the comments about your age as much as you think. Don't you know 40's are the old 30's?? Also, you probably won't have your older children with you all the time so people won't comment from that perspective.

I don't think that I would tell people that they are twins. The kids will hear this and it will be confusing to them as they grow up and understand their individual stories.

I'm probably not the best person for advise, I am sure that others who have adopted 2 non-related children that are the same age will have a bunch of ideas for you.

I am so excited for you!

Katie

[beckyww]

I wouldn't say they were twins. They're not - just confuse things later.

I'd just say "They're sisters."

I think anyone that pressed me for details had no manners whatsoever. So I think I would ask him or her what I ask other terribly nosy people - "Does this concern you some way? Something you're upset about?" That gives the inquisitor a moment to say, "Oh no, just curious." At which you can nod and smile and go about your business. Miss Manners would be so pleased with both of you.

If they persist with some nosy response, a simple, "Oh, I'm not comfortable discussing family things outside the family" should end it. And make them wish their mama had taught them better manners.

Becky
The Woodworth Family in Beautiful San Antonio TX

[Waiting4Skip]

We have a blended, shaken & sometimes stirred family with grown kids. When people asked how old our kids were we'd tell them. The interrogations gennerally began when we got to the "a daughter who is 10, a son who is 10"....

Someone wise once said that you can't change the way people act or the things they say, you can only change the way YOU respond.

We decided early on to have fun with all.

Our favorite responses included:

"Twins? Heck no, they are 6 months apart. We didn't want them fighting over who was going to get to drive the car first when they turned 16, so this way, dd has six months of driving before we have to start worrying about yet another teenager in the house sharing the car"..

"Nope, not twins, and THANK GOD THEY AREN'T! If it is true that twins can finish each others sentences, then we'd have 2 kids in trouble for their backtalk at the same time"

and, as dd got a little older:

"No, they're not, but funny you should ask. Most people think (dd) and I are the ones who could pass as twins!"

As to age, we are 40 & 50 somethings. The only time we get comments is when people find out we hav 6 grown, adult children, the youngest of which is now 24.
THAT seems to open the floodgates for questions about why we "wanted" to have more kids at our age...to which we respond: "Are you kidding, all the others are out of the houe, we needed the tax deduction"...

All these zany responses leave the questioners abit dazed and confused long enough for us to make our exits "gracefully"....We're half a block away before it dawns on them what we were saying....

[momraine]

We have two who are the same age for the summer (nine months apart) and also look nothing alike. Most people ask if my youngest is adopted. I too like the silly answers. Sometimes I will tell people who ask if they are twins, "No, shhh, she is 7 and HALF, he just turned 7, don't let her hear you say they are the same age!" I have also used the, "no thank goodness". I have also mentioned, "You know when I was a kid I thought I wanted twins, now that I have two kids close in age, I am glad I don't!". Most of the time since we are in a small town, everyones knows our kids. We get more questions because of thier disabilities than their closeness in age. (DS looks much younger than he is) They want to know if I took drugs when I was pregnant, or if they know he is adopted if his birth mother did. They often assume it was thalidamide. (no, it's not) People are very upset to realize that sometimes it just happens with no explaination. With really annoying people who wont' let it go, we meantion that Gas prices these days, you know an arm and a leg.

[k8c]

I wouldn't say they were twins, either. I guess in the a-world they'd be virtual twins...but how confusing would it be for them when you got to the birds and bees stage!

I agree with Becky. I'd just say they were sisters. And smille. If they ask if they're twins, you can just smile and say, "No." and smile again.

I guess it depends on if the person is nosy or curious; with intentions for good or for evil. I'm confident you can read the situations. ;> I bet your girls will come up with some perfect responses on their own!

[NeedsANap]

I'm in a similar situation to your kids in that I have an adopted sister who is about 20 years younger than me. When I'm out with her and mom, people inevitably assume I'm the mom, and our mother is grandma. Be preared for that no matter how young you look.

[angelkisses0102]

Votemom~

Sometimes honesty is not the best policy, IMHO. People can be ignorant, curious, stupid and/or rude. At some point you will hear it all and they will drive you nutso. Personally, I would just say yes why do you ask or no why do you ask? It gets tiring and old to constantly have to explain your decisions, your life and more importantly yours children's personal life and history. For us, short and sweet...but more importantly throwing it back to them is the easiest. I would try to not allow others and their probing questions to ruin you happiness.

My kids are not virtual twins but look like they could be twins even though they are 23 months apart in age. At first I would say no and blah, blah, blah. Then one day we were at Disney and the kids were in their side by side stroller and I was asked and I just said yes. It was so easy. The kids know they are not twins, I know they are not twins and honestly I don't care that Miss Noseypants thinks they are twins.

Of course be prepared if you choose to answer yes...DD did tell one person (again at Disney...that stroller really does create lots of questions come to think of it) when asked 'Are they twins?' "Yes we are but we were born two years apart and have different birthdays.' It was VERY funny and surprisingly, that was the end of that conversation.

I think many of us stress about the whole explaination at first...and then after a while you just find your comfort zone and realize you DO NOT OWE anyone an explaination about your children.

So try not to stress about it...all that matters is that those two beautiful little girls are going to be home soon.

[crick]

We got a lot of surprised looks from friends we hadn't seen in a long time or acquaintances at places we frequented a lot before the kids arrived, but we just said "Meet our new family!" and everyone was really gracious actually.

My 4 are all about a year apart. My oldest son and daughter are the same age for about 2 weeks and my 2 youngest boys are the same age for 4 days. They are similar in size, and my two youngest boys have similar hair color etc., so I get the twins question all the time. I just smile & say no. I find when I don't offer anything else, most people just kind of let it go.

I wouldn't say they are twins, and I wouldn't offer more information about anything that you don't want to. At first I think there's a "need" to explain things, but as your girls get older and there's a desire for privacy and not having their lives be under the microscope so much, I think you find a way that allows for basic answers and honoring their privacy.

[GCS]

My sister who is 15 years older than me used to get the "is she yours"? question all the time when we were out together. Funny thing is I spent a lot of time with her two oldest when I was in my late teens and early twenties, helping her out and I used to get dirty looks for being a young mother. I didn't become a mom until I was 36. Today when you see a young person with a child you don't necessarily assume it is the mother, it could be a sitter, a nanny or a sister nowdays.

I don't think you will hear too much about the age thing. We never do.

You will get the are they twins question and I would just say no and not go into it. You'd be surprised most people really do not follow up with another question. They could be a year or more apart and one is just tall for their age. Mine are almost 3 years apart and are just about the same size! For people you see more often like school or regular activitites, I personally would say they are 6 months apart and are adopted from Russia.

[cathvash]

Gosh, Unless you're in a great hurry, I like your idea of short-and-sweet simple honesty. Most people don't intend to be rude or nosy and are just curious or thoughtless in their questions. These are great opportunities to teach the general public about adoptive families. -You can choose to be openly proud of how your family was built if this is how you feel.

If you are in a rush, tired, or consider your family business very private etc. there certainly is nothing wrong with the simple "No, they are not" or the "Yes, they are ours..."

For someone who is openly rude or has suspicious motives for asking, I think the throw-the-question-back-at-them tactic is appropriate.

What wonderful problems to have, eh?!!!

[Waiting4Skip]

Cathvash is correct that it depends on WHO is asking, and what their motives may be....when we feel someone is GENUINELY INTERESTED, we often indulge. However, IMHO, for somebody (a stranger) to ask "WHY" we chose to adopt at our age, a fun answer is better thatn MYOB....

[anneo]

My younger brothers are 4 years apart, and they get asked all the time if they are twins. When they were 16 and 20, they tired of the question and started telling people they were when they were asked. I'm sure your girls will eventually adopt the same attitude towards the question.

[TweetyMom04]

I read where a Woman had adopted 2 boys, not related and very close in age. She was asked by a stranger, "are your Sons Brothers?" She replied, "they are now."

As for Q's about your ages. The couple we traveled with were older. They traveled home with a Son and Daughter. When strangers found out they have 2 little ones, they ask "are you crazy?" S & C say "no, we had to prove we weren't crazy in order to go through the adoption process."

[MustangLippy]

I'll own up to being a Miss Nosey Pants.

I've asked people if their kids were twins before. I never thought of it as a particularly invasive question. I'm just a chatty person.

But then I also hope I'm sensitive enough not to follow up with a more invasive questions if someone were to say "no, they are 6 months apart" unless they wanted to elaborate.

People comment on DD all the time because she is so little. I have never taken it to be anything but human interest in others and just roll with it. I think people are friendly by nature and use questions like this to open conversation. Of course if they're rude I wouldn't feel any compunction in being flip but luckily I've never encountered that. Hopefully you won't either.