[Shark01]

Long time reader, first time poster. I get so much information and support from this group that I thought I would share my story this morning.

We have been working on this adoption since January 2005, met and accepted a referral for our daughter in June 2006, and have been patiently waiting to bring her home.

We found out yesterday that she was adopted by a Russian family with no relations to her. We are devastated and must now make a decision of whether or not to take this journey again.

We were wondering if this has happened to anyone else? We have been led to believe that Russians typically only want to adopt infants and we thought for sure with our daughter to be turning 2 that no one would be interested in her.

Christina

[rejola]

I am SO sorry for your horrible experience. That just makes me MAD!!! I hope and pray for you that you will have the strength to make this difficult decision to go forward or not. I do know we came to many stopping points along our journey and we would get SO knocked down and somehow found the courage and support to keep going. We are thankful in the long run that we kept going. Once you get through it all, you look back and still remember the pain, but you no longer FEEL it.

I'm really going to pray hard for your situation to improve!

Rex

[another2]

I'm so sorry for your loss. We just lost our girl at the beginning of May. And not because anyone else wants her -- she will just remain in the orphanage until she is 16 -- but because the director does not want any American families to adopt children from that orphanage. She's 14, has spent the last 7 years in the orphanage and you know that no Russian is going to take her...

It is a hard, and often stupid process. But having adopted 4 from Russia already, I know it is definitely worth it in the end if you can manage to make it through.

I understand the pain you are going through right now. Hopefully, you will get to a point where you can be glad that "your girl" has a family and that maybe there is another child out there who is waiting for you. That is what I am trying to do anyway.

Good luck and you have my prayers...

[MissDaisyofTexas]

I am so sorry to hear your news!

Somewhere there is a child that is meant to be yours.

[n33]

I am so sorry you lost the little girl you were going to adopt. We lost the little boy we were going to adopt to his aunt in 2005. We had already been on trip 1 and met him. We were devastated. He was 2 at the time.

With God's help we got throught it and completed our adoption of our little girl a few months later. We didn't realize at the time but God does not always answer just like we pray but He has a better plan that what we can't comprehend. Hold close to Him and keep praying. It is hard but He will bring you through. Have faith.

Hugs from all around
Anita

[votemom]

yes this happened to us. i am so very sorry. there are no words to make you feel better. my advice would be to give yourselves time to grieve. it is a process and it isn't pleasant. but it has to happen. after a time, you'll be able to start to talk about the future again, without her in it.

again - i am sorry from the depths of my heart.

p.s. our referral was 5 yrs old when he was chosen by a russian (non related) family. we were stunned due to his age as well.

[LilyMoon]

How devastated you must feel! I'm so sorry. I hope you have the strength to find the child that was meant to be yours and to keep on going despite this horrible setback.

While this exact situation did not occur to us, we did have a heartbreaking situation where we lost a referral to another US family way back in the beginning of our adoption journey. It took 2 years from that point to find our child and things could not have worked out better. Looking back I can see that things happened as they were meant to but it did not feel that way at the time for sure.

May you find peace in all the heartbreak.

[karenmarq]

Your story brings tears to my eyes...after you've waited SO long.

After you have had some time, may you have clarity in your decision to try with Russia again or choose another route.

Karen

[GCS]

I am so very sorry. You are in my thoughts.

[amyfk]

HI,

My heart goes out to you. I have read more recently of folks losing their referrals, but luckily it seems in most cases the second time they come home with a child.
You may want to make Memorial Day weekend a low-key event where you can focus on you and your needs. Go to the spa, whatever. Later you can revisit if you want to continue on with Russia or move in a new direction.
Again, sorry to hear your bad news today.
Amy K, NJ

[Pinkie]

I am so sorry. I have no words that will comfort you. I also have tears in my eyes...you've waited so long...

[mommyto4]

So sorry for your loss I feel your pain and it is the worse kind of pain, similar situation happened to us, we lost our daughter to relative day before courtWe were in country and did get 2! more referrals who are now our precious daughters. It does all seem to work out. Prayers to you and and best wishes in your decision. A friend of mine told me now 3 little girls have homes.(((HUGS)) AND PRAYERS to you.

[TweetyMom04]

I'm so very sorry to hear of your heart-breaking news.

Thinking of you.

[kretzklan]

We also lost our first referals (to family members), after trip 1. It was heartbreaking and in the end, we just had to know whether we had room for more children, or only those children. Give yourself as much time as you need!

[cathvash]

Wow Shark...

First, I want to say welcome to the board, but I am so sorry that your first post has to be such a painful one. I am so very sorry for this emotionally crushing blow. I am in Russia now, having just completed my second adoption here. I have been through some ups and downs, and expreienced some delays and heartaches with both adoptions, but never lost a referral to someone else. My heart goes out to you!

I think you are a victim of the recent legal changes here in Russia that became effective this year. (A victim of that along with the accreditation mess, no doubt!) What I am seeing/hearing here is that the law, which provides new incentives for Russians to adopt, is in fact bringing many Russians out in greater numbers. Unfortunately, the rights of foreign parents who have already accepted child refferals, are not protected! I am hearing that girls are especially attractive for Russians looking to adopt, since they are often more acceptable to the husband, who may be reluctant to accept "another man's son". In fact, I saw few girls at the home I visited under the age of 3 or 4. I also heard that this upswing in Russians adopting varies greatly from home to home and town to town. You may have better luck in a different region if that is an option. Since the financial incentives kick in after 3 years regardless of age, older children are often seen as more attractive.

No explanation can make the pain easier for you, or the decision easier about whether to try again. I will only echo what others have said, that your child is out there somewhere, in Russia or elsewhere. I pray you will ultimately have your happy ending...