[misshawna]

I am having a pity party, and I know that people on this board can understand where I am coming from, so I had to vent here!

A co-worker of mine just came by telling us all she is going to have a baby. It was a "surprise" (isn't it always with people like this), and she just wanted to share the news. Normally I am happy for people who are expecting, even though it always brings a tinge of remembering all of the trying to get pg, etc. Anyway, the reasons this situation bugs me are numerous. She is 21 years old and is constantly talking about how she "hates kids." She will say, "I would never want twins b/c it would make me too fat." or "I hope my child is cute b/c I don't think I could love an ugly child." She is also very insensitive when it comes to adoption situations. She has asked me on two occasions if I think I love my son as much as I would if I had a "real" son. I explained the proper terminiology to her and told her yes, that I do love him as much as I would if I gave birth to him. Then she asked me if I thought we would ever try to have our "own" child. I told her that we didn't go straight to Russian adoption... that we had tried. Then she tells me she just "believes" I am going to have a baby, etc. She drives me NUTS! Now I have to deal with her pregnancy! ARGGHHH!

I probably sound mean and hateful. I don't mean to be. I just don't understand and probably never will the justice in who can conceive and who can't... who can have child with ease and who has to work their tail off for it. I am not complaining about adopting my son... I am thrilled that we found him and couldn't imagine being any happier. Does any of this rant make sense? I hope so.

Sorry! Like I said, I needed to vent!

Shawna

[beckyww]

She sounds really immature. I hope she grows up before she has this potentially ugly set of twins that's going to make her so fat. I see why you called her "co-worker" instead of "friend." One day - with luck - you'll think of her as a "former co-worker," if you think of her at all.

Becky
The Woodworth Family in Beautiful San Antonio TX

[Katie63011]

Becky couldn't have said it better!

[votemom]

i'm sorry.

21 is young to understand all the dynamics of what people go thru in life. she may be on the immature side of 21 too.

i have a daughter who is 20. she says some really stupid things sometimes. my husband and i just look at each other and roll our eyes. sometimes we have to hold her accountable and remind her how she SOUNDS. often she doesn't even realize how she SOUNDS and has actually miscommunicated what she really meant.

i guess my only advice is to learn from her and be thankful that you aren't her.

you may need to come here and vent a lot - could be a long 9 months.

hang in.

[misshawna]

Originally Posted by votemom

i'm sorry.

21 is young to understand all the dynamics of what people go thru in life. she may be on the immature side of 21 too.

I try to take her age into consideration. I really do. But after the first time of me explaining that the question about my love for my son versus a "real" son, and how the terms weren't appropriate, and that I definitely love him as much as any mother loves her child... why would the question need to be asked again? Then she says she wants to have "two kids of her own" and adopt two multicultural children later... I just don't get not learning from putting your foot in your mouth on the same subject!

Oh well... I guess I am just too old to remember 21!

Shawna

[Ebadge90]

This woman just has no class. Age has nothing to do with it.

[aimeemk]

Okay,

I too am sorry that she said so many hurtful and ignorant things. She does sound immature and not very well rounded.
I work in labor and delivery with many fertile crack heads.
I have heard many insulting comments as well, one tops the cake.

Anyway, I was in my last cycle of fertility treatments. I told my husband that I wanted to adopt, I felt a huge pull. We delayed some of the paper work. After we got it all in some of our papers were lost. When our dossier finally was registered we were ahead of 2 other couples from our agency. We did not request eye color and the next couple requested blue eyes. I was told later that we would have received the blue eyed child and not Rheagan (she should have gone to the couple behind us). had they not requested eye color. My heart smiles when I think of all the things God did {including the years of fertility struggles and the heart to pursue adoption, the money, the timing was all so perfect} to put Rheagan into our lives. It is truly a miracle. She looks so much like my husband(it would not matter if she were purple). I fell in love with her the moment I saw her photo. There are not too many people outside the adoption world that understand what I am trying to say.

This is what helps get me through the hurtful and insensitive comments, I know God put this all together.
Although, I do have to remind myself of this more often than I'd like.

A wise woman once told me there are some people in this world that you will not like, and it is okay for you not to like them

anyways, I would trade my insensitive coworker for yours for awhile if you would like LOL. You could teach mine a few things and I could teach yours a few things. HEY JUST A SUGGESTION!!!

[amyfk]

Hi MsShawna,

I totally understand. We spent every other night for over six months trying to conceive with no luck whatsoever. Each month I tried to urinate on that wand, and I started thinking that perhaps the manufacturer didnt make them properly because they never showed the "pregnant" lines. Ha!
I have a girlfriend whom I have been friends with in college. She always said that she never wanted to be sacked down with kids. It turned out that the other year she divorced her husband and then I found out that she was expecting with another man-so she had a shotgun second wedding. While she's now a good mother to her son she says she's done with kids becuase she doesnt want to do kid-centric things.
At the same time as her pregnancy I was getting bounced around in the Russian adoption system. I had NO IDEA if it would work out. I found it very hard to deal with her during her pregnancy. I had to be honest with her and without me telling her directly luckily she understood my feelings(which I now respect very much).
I think the saddest circumstances are for the folks who want kids so badly and cannot have them and for the folks who absolutely dont want kids and then have them. However, life is a mystery.
If you find that this coworker is getting under your skin try to change the topic with her when she asks you all sorts of invasive questions. Also try to start up conversations with other coworkers who are not in the babymaking stage. I dont think you can totally avoid her but you can cut down your contact with her quite a bit.
I know, life isnt fair, but unfortunately we have to just do our best sometimes. If you feel stressed take a hot bath or a jog around the neighborhood.
Best,
Amy K, NJ

[DoreenG]

I agree, she's immature. Very immature. I'm sure there are social signs, body language, etc., that you've exhibited while patiently answering her intrusive questions she hasn't picked up on.

Okay, so next time she calls your son "not real", explain to her he's plastic, and cleans much easier.

Next time she says anything about being pg, say "hey, I didn't have to get all fat & ugly like you to have a child".

Nah...I can't believe I just typed that stuff.

Okay, here's the real advice. Next time she exhibits her no-class, immature outlook on adoption, calmly say that she's insulting your heart-born child and you'd like her to be quiet and move along.

(Becky's response was the best though...getting fat to have ugly twins, bwwahhhhhh!LOL)

[Sally26]

I completely understand. I have been told by two friends recently that they are pregnant, both have made it clear that they were done. They both have a boy and a girl. One is thrilled and feels blessed the other is not thrilled. I may be a small person, but I'm having a hard time being happy for either one.

While I feel totally blessed to have Emily, I feel like I'm ungrateful because I would like another child. We don't have the money to go back to Russia and I'm not sure my dh would if we did. I think he is getting closer to doing foster care, but not with the intent to adopt. I feel I can settle for that, I think I would feel I had done something awesome if I could attachment parent an infant while it is in my care even if it went back home or to another family to be adopted, at least I would know that it had a moment in time to get love and healthy parenting.

I'm 46, very close to the fattest I've ever been, would be considered very high risk and would be thrilled to be pregnant, would consider it a miricle.

I"m with Doreen. I would try a more direct approach with her. I would tend to want to say something more along the lines of too bad your having to get fat and with your looks there is no way your having a cute child, but it would much more mature to have her second reply ready, but you can always be thinking the other!

[Annabell]

Oh dear me! I totally understand how you feel. She sounds like an immature idgit. The next time she talks about your having a "real" child, I believe I'd hold up a pic of your son and ask (innocently, of course), "What about him looks fake to you? He looks pretty real to me."

Hang in there!

[Hope1]

I have an x-friend of mine who told me that if I did not understand that children will suck the life blood out of me then I should not have children. Well, I am done with her. BTW - this went on for a very long time before I decided I was done.

Where does your co-worker live? Maryland hopefully. We can set them up together. THEN we can go out and have fun!

[anneo]

This co-worker fits the adage that just because you can make kids doesn't mean you're qualified to have them.

People like this and those who abort their precious ones really break my heart. There are so many people out there who would love to be able to give the gift of life but for whatever reason can't, and then you have morons like these who are too selfish to realize what an awesome gift and opportunity they've been handed.

When the co-worker starts griping and complaing about morning sickness and putting on weight and swollen body parts and being uncomfortable, you should mention how you didn't have to go through all of that for your fake child.

[ddahl]

Reading ya lound and clear! Unfortunatly any coaching of her on your part probably would not resonate. Hugs to you!

[nhook]

Hey Shawna

Thanks for venting! I had a couple of thoughts as I was reading your thread.

I honestly don't think the comments will ever go away. I also work with a 20 something who just had a child, literally goes out and parties 4-5 nights a week while her child is at the babysitter (sometimes overnight). I really like her but sometimes it is hard to hear it. I also work with a 30 something year old who said that I was selfish for adopting an overseas child instead of American and a 40 something who asked what in the world would compel me to go overseas and raise someone else's child. This is in the last year. So age, has nothing to do with maturity!!!

Even though I find these comments hurtful, sometimes I think people are jealous because we as adoptive parents have overcome so much and we are so happy and grateful for our children. (Some birthparents are grateful too!!)

I think that day by day, you just become more confident to where these comments bother you less and less. I just smile when I realize that I am so lucky to have this precious child and if these people can't realize that about their children, it is sad.

P.S. I think it is humorous when people comment that our son is so well behaved, kind and sweet. It is almost like they are surprised that a child from an orphanage could have those qualities.

Hang in there!!