[MissDaisyofTexas]

Hi everyone...I am currently on Trip #1 (traveling blind). We had to turn down our referral. We are devastated. We met the child, took pictures, and had him evaluated by an IA doctor, but the prognosis was very high risk. The child had very obvious signs of FAS, he was 19 months but was the size of a 6 month old.

We received info on another referral today, no pictures and will not meet the child until Wednesday. However, the head circumference is very small, off the charts...and I'm worried the IA doctor is also going to say high risk. We will still go ahead and meet the child, and give the IA doctor all of the info needed for her to make a recommendation. The MOE said this is the last referral available in the region, and if we don't accept we will have to just go home. I'm really stressed. I haven't really slept for the past 2 days.

Does anyone have any advice? Thanks.

[Pinkie]

MissDaisyofTexas, I am so very sorry this is happening to you and your family. I don't really have any first hand experience with travelling blind or very small children (Antonina was an older child). I pray it all goes well with your new referral on wednesday and I pray the IA Doctor gives the all clear.

You say the MOE have said that there are no more referrals in that region and if you don't accept you'll have to go home. Is it an option to travel to another region?

Try and stay strong and positive as your child is out there just waiting for you. Keep us posted. Thinking of you.

[linda512]

I am popping in from the Guatemala board. I really don't know much about Russian adoption except what I have read here, but just wanted to express my condolences. It must be so hard to have to turn down a child that you have met. Stay strong and don't let them pressure you into accepting a child that you are not prepared to parent. There is nothing wrong with saying you are not able to parent a child who may have very significant special needs. I have seen on here that people have been told this is the last child, only to have another appear after they turned down the referral. But even if that doesn't happen, you have to make the best decision for you and your famiy.
Good luck to you. My heart goes out to you.

[tbristow]

I wish you the best. I hope and pray that the measurements are just wrong on this next little one. I can't imagine what you're going through. Just know you are in our thoughts and prayers.

[catmele]

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I know EXACTLY how you feel. Its the worst feeling. We had to turn down our first referral due to concerns about FAS. I did not sleep or eat hardly at all & with the jetlag ir makes it even worse. The only advise I have for you is go with you heart is telling you. Also really push your agency & contacts in region. We were told after we declined the 1st referral from the translator.. "Ok you go home tomorrow then" & I flipped & I told them to call the States. It was 11 pm Russia time but I did not care. In the end I spoke to contacts in the States multiple times so if you are not already doing that I would. If you want to email me prviately please do. In the end it worked out for us but it was a very very difficult trip for us as well
Cathy

[catmele]

One other thing I just thought of.... If you end up considering this 2nd referral push to spend more time with him/her since I assume you will only have the one visit with them. I wish I had that also as we only had very limited time with our little boy since we spent one day with the first referral

[Ktates]

Just wanted to send you some hugs and prayers. I can't imagine how you must feel but don't give up hope yet. When we met DD (pretty much traveled blind) - she was less than the 3rd percentile on her measurements at 12 months....but I never looked that up until after we came home. She was tiny but not emaciated and to us seemed great. Had we not met her in person and just went on paper who knows what the doctor would have said. Don't give up until you see the child in person.

by the way - she caught up pretty quick, no problems she is at 50% for all her measurements and 2 years home and doing great...
Hang in there-
Karen

[mommyto4]

I am so sorry, to hear this, I feel your pain. Praying your next referral is the one for you.Hope when you meet him in person, all is well, measurements aren't always the best assessment tool. Keep the faith and be persistant with your agency,you will find the child that is meant to be yours.May God Bless you.

[Waiting2Be]

I am so sorry that you ahve to go through this, it is hard, but the child that is meant for you is out there and you will know it once you meet him or her.

When we met our dd we were told that she tested positive twice for Hep B and then when the IA doctor reviewed all her stats said that he head was small and that he didn't recommend we move forward, well we believed she was ours so we had her retested for Hep and she tested Negative and she is home almost a year and she is growing like a weed and is a happy healthy 2 1/2 year old who has a normal size head.

So go with your gut and good luck.

Also we were offered to fly to another region to meet another referral while we were there so I agree with others, push your agency.

[k8c]

Don't feel pressured into accepting a child who is not right for your family. I know it's tempting to do that--especially now with things looking shaky in the Russian adoption world. But, accepting a child who is not right for your family out of fear is not a good idea.

I agree that you need to push your agency a bit on this one. I've heard many stories of families being pushed to accept a referral with empty threats.

Wishing you such a successful meeting with referral #2 that this isn't even an issue!
Kate

[dlhall]

I hope things work out for you. We had the same thing happen to us and returned home devastated after our first trip to adopt our son. Luckily, after we returned home we received another referral from a different region, which we accepted and our beautiful son was home a few months later. It was absolutely devastating and heartbreaking at the time; however, it wasn't the end of the world. If these children you have met are not the right children for your family, another child will be the right fit. Taking 3 trips to Russia stunk, but in the end it was worth it.

Good luck and know that no matter what happens on this trip, your journey is not over. You'll find the right child for you.

Liz

[mschweber]

This is where the agency and their facilitator need to do their work. I know a number of people who got the "this is the last referal" statement or "all the other children are less healthy" In most of the cases the facilitator was able to get the MOE to refer another child. There have also been a number of cases where the agency was able to find another region immediately. So do not hesitate to make demands of your agency and facilitator.

But if all fails it is better to have to take three trips than proceed with an adoption that is not right for you and your family. In the end everyone is hurt in a situation like that.

Best wishes for a great outcome.

[LilyMoon]

I'm so sorry...you must be devastated and completely overwhelmed by what you are facing.

I don't know what agency you are with, but I have a friend that had the same situation as you and she made a big stink over the blind referral of unhealthy children (she had requested a reasonably healthy referral) and insisted she go to another region and have this made right. She ended up in another region and adopted a healthy child there.

Don't let your agency talk you into anything you are not comfortable with and personally I would be insistant that they find a child for you while you are in Russia.

I wish you all the best and hope that things work out. Keep us posted!

[amyfk]

Man Im sorry to hear what's going on. My heart goes out to you! I would call your agency stateside and let them know what is going on. Hopefully they can transfer your dossier to another region with healthier children. It's not fair that the MOE doesnt listen to your requests for a child in the dossier.
Amy K, NJ

[Amysue1112]

I know this is pure torture for you. We lost a referral in Russia and I thought my heart was going to be torn right out of my chest. When we went to meet our Hannah we were told she was the last girl available in our age range. If you do meet this child and it does not work out, maybe you could change/alter your request a bit, or like others say,go to a different region.
I agree with the other folks, contact your agency stateside. We were told our release letter was "on its way" but after travellng and a week with our daughter..and COURT it still was not there. We called our agencies' US office and I really think that helped get the ball rolling.
Hang in there, I thought all hope was lost until we met our angel Hannah!