[amyfk]

Hi,

I live in NJ, and on today's Star-Ledger paper was the front page news concerning the sentencing of Viktor Matthey's adoptive parents. I think the sentence was too lenient in my personal opinion. I will try to give the link here:

NJ.com: Everything Jersey

Amy K, NJ

[amyfk]

bump up to read.
Amy K, NJ

[votemom]

we have followed this story closely and are also in contact with the adoptive grandma who is raising the twins. the story goes beyond tragic and heart-breaking.

the death of viktor is the reason we could never bring home our sasha. they were from the same baby home in siberia. no child has been adopted from that home since.

i pray that healing will eventually come to that region and that one day children can be placed into american homes again.

[SingleMama2B]

This story is soooo very tragic, and yet even more, as I did not know "VoteMom" that this was also connected to you and your Sasha! I am sooooo very sorry!

As for the 'parents' (I reluctantly say parents), should have received a Heck of alot more then 4 years. My heart aches for Vicktor, and his siblings (for they saw and heard the agony)! I don't care what ANYONE says.... Everyone knows that we bring home our children, that there WILL BE ISSUES! If you find that you are NOT prepared for certain issues, you SEEK help! YOU NEVER, NEVER ABUSE a CHILD!!!

There is NO, I MEAN NO excuse for what they did! If you cannot or decide to NOT care for a child, then DISRUPT the adoption, for the childs' sake.

I may get FLAMES for these comments, and to all.... I and my DD do not have the easiest road, but I have found the proper HELP (professionals) for both of us. We Love and Grow everyday.

Bless Vicktor and his siblings!

[Pinkie]

I'm saying my prayers with you Votemom ((((hugs))))

[amyfk]

So sorry Votemom! I didnt realize that you personally knew members of the Matthey family and that your potential child was from the same orphanage as Viktor was. Again, I'm very sorry to hear this. I know the Russian govt. has the right to protect the children, but a few bad apples shouldnt ruin the process for all of the potential good and able parents out there.
Singlemama, there are no flames. I agree with you. Although there has been controversy surrounding disruption, I think it is wise(although agonizing I hear) to disrupt an adoption if you dont feel you can handle the issues of a child.
I pray for Viktor's brothers and that hopefully he's in a better place right now.
Amy K, NJ

[momraine]

I may get flamed myself. First off, I am NOT condoning ever, ever, ever abusing a child. It's wrong, wrong, wrong. OK?

However, I have been shocked to find out how many parents who adopt, especially overseas who are NOT prepared for any issues. I adopted twice, with two different agencies, neither required education on attachment or Post institutional issues. I educated myself, but neither agency required it. Neither agency attempted to educate me in the possible issues and about problems that could be there. I am close friends with a family who has a child in kinship care who has RAD, I have listened to countless stories. Honestly, I have now decided that I should not judge them until I have walked in thier shoes, not a similar style of shoes, but thier exact shoes. It's easy to say get help, I said it myself several times to other people.

Then I learned that if my own child's problems get worse, I will have to drive him 31/2 hours each way once a week to the closest attachment therapist. That means he would miss school once a week. That means because I would likly have issues with traffic and such that I would have to find someone to watch my other children after school that day. That means none of my children could participate in any activities that day of the week. My insurance would not cover the high cost of this therapy, nor the gas.
I spoke to the schools about the issue. (he does not appear to have RAD, but I wanted to be prepared, he does however have some issues that we are working on and hoping not to have to go this route) The school, did NOT understand, they were NOT supportive. They will not excuse one day a week of school. They beleive that he can be treated by a more local therapist in after school sessions if the need arises. The issues he does have they do NOT understand. He is a charming little guy who has them totally charmed.
I am no longer so glib, I now know that sometimes it's not so easy to just say, "get help". I have talked to families who were having trouble and thier adoption agencies would not return phone calls. I have heard families threatened when they talk about disruption. They are told they will never ever adopt and that any other children they have will be taken from them. They are told they are bad parents and bad people. They are made to feel like failures. I have only heard of a very few cases where the agency stepped in at all to help.

I remember talking to one family who had taken out a second mortgage and gone into debt to adopt two children. One had major issues when they got home. They were not prepared for this. They found they could not pay for the intensive therapy this child required. He needed to go to a treatment center as it was not safe for him to live in the home. Thier agency was no help. The house was forclosed on and they sold many of thier belongings to pay for the treatment for this child. The remaining child is doing well and thriving, in spite of the fact that they are now in a very small apartment. These people have wiped out thier retirement and are still deep in debt and are still trying to save thier son and help him. Getting help was very difficult for them. I can see how much harder it would be for someone who did not have the resources and dedication they had. I can see how someone would want to keep trying to parent and could loose thier temper. I am not condoning it, it's still wrong, but, I can see how it can happen. I see this as a wake up call. Parents need better education and also better resources.

[SingleMama2B]

Hi Lorraine.... I see what you are saying. What I was saying is, is that the ongoing abuse (I believe, locking him for extended periods of time, etc.) is very abusive. YOU do NOT do this. I personally could not imagine 'disrupting' an adoption, but you can be sure, that I would before I would intentionally hurt a child. NO one can tell me, that abusing this child over a period of time was or is O.K. Maybe loosing your temper once, but not to do this repeatedly. There are many different ways of obtaining help..... to include the hotlines, area or county services, ARC, etc. Any help is better then no help.

I don't want to be flamed either, but to hear of an abuse case that was going on for a period of time, I do NOT have ANY sympathy for those PEOPLE! I am sorry if I get anyone upset, but that is my feelings. AND, they certainly deserve a H**L of alot more then 4 years... sickening!

P.S. I too did NOT have ANY preparation (from my agency or anyone) regarding possible issues/problems with IA Children (especially older children). I read as much as possible on my own, researched, etc. I have found out that my old agency is now Requiring Course Training prior to your paperwork can be handed in for translation, and ONGOING training thereafter!

[suburbanmomgw]

I agree with Lorraine about the lack of preparation that agencies give. It is a big problem. Even doing lots of research and reading on my own did not prepare me for the realities I faced with A when we got home and still face 3 yrs. later! I am trying to make a small impact with those that I know who are considering or have adopted around me. Giving them as much info and support as I can...

Of course we all agree that this particular case is terrible...there are no words. But what we CAN do is focus on doing our part to educate and support others.
JMHO

[DoreenG]

While I think that the best sentencing for the "parents" would have been 4 years of their own type of "discipline", I'm not a judge.

I wish I had more preparation for my son's arrival. You can hear "love isn't instantaeous", but it doesn't really hit you in the gut until you are there, dealing with the behaviors and wondering what you got yourself into.

What saddens me is that abuse is how those horrid people decided to deal with Viktor's needs. Viktor was so very innocent, as are his siblings. He had needs. Needs that not only were not met, they were the cause of his abuse. I can only imagine that much more went on then what was published. And that makes me physically ill.

My heart goes out to the grandma. Not only does she have the trauma of their lives before coming to the US (I won't say to their parents), but then to endure so much more, then the death of their brother, this trial, etc. Well, my hat's off to the grandmother. She didn't pursue an adoption, but she is the savior to those children. May things be easy on all of the survivors.

[momraine]

I do have one question about this case. Having now read a lot more about it. (I did a search and read everything that came up) From what I read, these people were treating thier other children badly all along. People coming to a Bible study at thier home before the adoption seeing a child left out in the cold with no coat in the winter as punishment, etc.
Were those bio children not interviewed as part of the homestudy? Mine were and for our first adoption, this upset me because they were so young. Now I am kind of glad, because that meant the social worker had a much clearer picture of us as parents. I think had the social worker interviewed those children - at least the teenagers- she might have gotten a better picture. It sounds to me like the kids were raised in church so would have shown distress if asked if thier parents ever spanked. (Assuming the parents had coached them to lie if asked that)
Of course it's also sad to me that people hear more about the cases like this and not about the thousands of happy adopted kids who are not abused!

[adoptrussiablogger]

Viktor's adoptive grandmother, Phyllis Matthey-Johnson, is trying to raise money for a playground at the orphanage where Viktor was living in Siberia. I wrote about it on the Russia Adoption Blog today.