[RUSS-A-MOM]

I am trying to sort out my son's behavior to see if this is normal 2-yr-old stuff or if his aggressive behavior is somehow adoption-related (or possibly even fetal alcohol problems)...

My son is very aggressive when playing with other kids. He is constantly in time-outs for hitting and pushing. It seems that he usually picks out children that are either younger or smaller than him; those that won't return his hits or be aggressive back to him. I usually notice this behavior when it comes to sharing toys.

But he also does it at home (he is an only child) out of frustration when toys don't work the way he wants them to, when we are transitioning to an activity he doesn't want to do. He will get so frustrated that he at times will hit our poor dog or me.

Anyway...you are experienced and wise moms and I am not sure the root of this problem and the best ways to handle it.

Any input would be appreciated.

Thanks,

Lori

[justmp]

I'm the mom of a 32 month old boy adopted at 10 months of age. He, too, can be aggressive and he does have a temper and he's not real big on sharing and always wants what another child has. Honestly, I really think it's normal two year old behavior. They are trying to figure things out. They want to know boundaries and they are trying to test them and learn where they are.

[lakimnafite]

I have an almost 2 year old and she get's very frustrated when things don't go her way. She hits me, dad, tables, the wall, herself...

So, I have no words of wisdom and look forward to your other responses!

[LilyMoon]

If your child is acting out and you feel it is excessive compared to other children, then he is telling you that he is overwhelmed and feeling stress, fearful and unsafe.
My suggestion would be to keep him home in as stress free an environment as possible with little stimualtion. Quiet play with a few toys is perfect. He needs to develop more attachment and coping skills. Work on attachment and comforting along with trying to get him to find other ways to express his feelings....coming to you, verbalizing, using signs, whatever works and is a safe and acceptable way of expressing his feelings.

A two year old doesn't really need much social time with other children, just time with mom and dad.

Also, time-outs are not recommended for PI kids...time-ins where they sit next to you or on your lap until they calm down would be better. I would remove the child to another room and speak softly, giving hugs and comfort with the idea of regulating them and teaching that Mom is a soft place to land when things get too much for the child.

[mommyto4]

I agree with Lilymoon and since you mentioned very aggresive that sends a red flag. If you feel this is out of the norm it probably is. Hold him, comfort him(try to avoid time out, instead use time ins) keep his little world small for a while if you can, without too much stimulation. You and you precious son will be in my thoughts and prayers.

[Mykidsmom]

How old was he when he came home?

I agree with above posters about the stress. Two is a hard time far most kids because they are trying to learn some independence and then you through in any background issues that they must sort through.

My oldest always has done the best if I could prepare him for what would come when he went somewhere. I would try to tell who would be there, what would be in the room (help him paint a picture in his mind what to expect) we did this each time we would go. If I did not know what or who was going to be there I would tell him so, and that I would be there until he was comfortable. Now I just ask him if he remember someplace we are going and he says yes and we let it be or he says no and we talk about what to expect. We brought him home at six months, he is now a successful kindergartener ready for 1st grade.

[RUSS-A-MOM]

To answer your questions...my son was 11 months old when we adopted him.

I don't have much experience around other children so I appreciate the posters who said their two-year-olds were also aggressive when it comes to sharing and other things. I also appreciate the comments about time-ins and letting him know what is coming next. I am going to see if those things make a difference.

I am going to keep an eye on him though to see if the aggression seems more than the other two-year-olds we see at church, Gymboree class, etc.

Thank you everyone,

Lori

[angelkisses0102]

My canned response... 'If you have to ask about it...look deeper and trust your gut.' You took the time to post about it so IMHO, it warrants further investigation.

I love this site A4everFamily.org - HOME as it talks (on a very parent friendly level) about some of this issues PI kids tend to have. Look at red flag phrases and what they mean, signs of AD/RAD and signs of healthy attachment...to start.

Agression is *somewhat* normal but our kids do not have normal life experiences. I would look deeper into things such as attachment, sensory issues, PTSD, etc. Hurting an animal is a very huge red flag for attachment and other issues. My AD/RAD child at two and three was very aggressive with hitting the primary caretaker (mom) but he never hurt our two dogs...that was never allowed to happen. Now that he has really healed, we see almost no aggression at all. DD never was aggressive.

Many issues are so easy to explain away as normal...but honestly do yourself and your child a favor and look deeper if it is bothering you enough to post about it. These things just fester until they finally bubble up to the surface. My DD was the poster child for a perfect transition and attached perfectly...however here we are almost 5 years later dealing with trauma issues from when she was an infant. The signs were all there but at first I didn't see them and then dealing with our DS for the past 3 years made it even easier to miss..the signs were so subtle. Right now we are dealing with PTSD in both of my kids, along with SPD/SID in DS and that was part of his aggression...

Hang in and good luck.

[karenjoe]

Our 2 year old adopted daughter also was more aggressive than the other 2 year olds. I can tell you that this IS normal 2 year old behavior, but it did seem magnified in our adopted daughter. I did a bunch of research with not much luck about what to do. We've just really been trying to tell her "not nice" "you don't hit/kick your friends". She would also get a "time-out" but in the room with us. Nothing really seemed to have a lot of impact. However, she just turned 2-1/2 and it happens a LOT less now. I think she is just outgrowing it as her language gets better. I can't say whether this is attachment related or not, but it does seem to be at least partially age related! Good luck!

[csw]

Hi
Teaching toddlers sign language really helps lessen frustration, temper tantrums and improves vocabulary later on etc..I am a huge believer in sign language.
Our daughter was calm, focused, advanced and saying 15 words by age 15 months..then she was overdosed with adult vaccines and stopped talking for 9 month, became hyperactive, impulsive, stopped sleeping at night etc. What really helped us was teaching her to sign..she was up to over 50 signs at one point.

We love the DVD's we rent for free at our local library by Rachel Coleman.."Signing Time"..kids love to watch it..there is a whole series out now..

My son who has severe ADHD was aggressive at that age and when we gave him a time out he would try to bite and kick us. Our daughter doesn't do this to us, but does hit her brother, though he does pick on her alot..she doesn't hit anyone else and is an angel in preschool and play groups.

Some of it is normal, some is frustration. Try the sign language and also be firm and consistent with the time ins or time outs (in the same room) and don't tolerate the hitting.

[cathvash]

Can someone please expand a little on the practical use of "time-ins"? My impression is it's similar to a time-out, but you do not remove the child from your presence, but place him/her near you. How do you interact with the child while he is in time-in? Talk to him? Ignore him?... What is the recommended time? Do you restrain them if necessary? How does it differ from "holding"? Thanks!!

[angelkisses0102]

Originally Posted by cathvash

Can someone please expand a little on the practical use of "time-ins"? My impression is it's similar to a time-out, but you do not remove the child from your presence, but place him/her near you. How do you interact with the child while he is in time-in? Talk to him? Ignore him?... What is the recommended time? Do you restrain them if necessary? How does it differ from "holding"? Thanks!!

Time-ins for us...

The main thing is to not seperate the child from us...no isolation/rejection. Depending on the age we adjust. For DD at 5 she gets to help me do some yucky chore, clean up her brother's mess, something that she does not like. I also know sometimes she just needs a hug and some one on one time with me. I usually ask her in those situations what is scaring her, making her sad, hurting her etc. Yes, sometimes it does end uo as holding time...but very rarely with her.

For DS, when he was younger, he ended up either in the carrier, my arms, or holding time. Now he does our version of strong sitting...it helps him self regulate.

Again, no reinforcing seperation...it can be very damaging to a PI adoptee.

[cvalda]

I haven't read all the replies so I don't know if this has been said, but before my youngest son really started talking well, he was very aggressive! Young kids, even 1 & 2 year olds, understand so much and have so many things going through their heads that they can't communicate with us! Can you imagine how frustrating that must be??? My son would get so frustrated and that's the only way he knew how to communicate. Once he started talking well, his behaviors diminished!

Good luck!

;~) Kelly

[ddahl]

At 2, my son was also hitting etc. his daycare teacher said that he does it when provoked. What may appear as his aggression is aimed one way but in fact in most cases it was a response. Our son gets frustrated with toys etc when they do not work the way he wants them too. He is very quick to size things up and can work toys that are much older than his age group so when something does not work, he is like what?????
As far as sharing, he can play well but when its not reciprocated he gets demanding. He is a leader and he wants what he wants when he wants it and on his terms. I am working on supporting him in this as he in now 3 and can use his words better. Good luck with everything. We all try and analyze our PI kids but in many many cases they are just normal kids doing normal things...... we worry as moms cuz thats our job...