[kazmumtobe]

Has anyone done this? I want to go alone and leave DH with our child who is 3 at home. I am fine travelling - love it in fact and have no problem being alone. DH says no way for many reasons.

Anyone have some good reasons that I can throw out there at him...I really want to save the $$ and keep him home with our little one so he isn't so upset and dis-combobulated by this new adoption. This isn't enought for DH - I need more help!!

Thanks -any thoughts on the subject are welcome (I don't get offended easily!!)

[Katie63011]

If you can both go, I say you should do it. We too had to leave a 2.5 year old at home and although it was difficult it all worked out okay. The thing is that the first trip can be really stressful and we definitely needed each other to bounce concerns and questions off of after meeting our children. We didn't even have any huge concerns, but it's a pretty big decision and I wouldn't have had to make it alone.

Katie

[schulie]

I agree with Katie. The first trip to meet your referral will undoubtably be stressful, magical and memory filled, all at the same time. If you and your DH are able to go together, and you have reliable childcare at home, I would encourage you to share this moment together. If nothing else, he could return home to be with your little one once your court date is completed while you stay in Kaz to bond with your new child. Once you are home with 2 children, your "adult time" to spend together will be at a minimum so take this opportunity to enjoy each other's company while celebrating this life altering decision regarding your family!

[ddahl]

I could not have been there without DH. It was not a matter of the traveling as I have traveled extensivly throughout the world. This was just bigger than traveling alone for me. We also had a lonnnnng adoption so I was a basket case by trip two.

I am considering KAZ for A #2 and I will however probably want go alone for your same reasons. Dh would never let me though. Over time you forget about the expense and you only have the memory of becoming a family together.

My friend went alone and had a very difficult time even in the best of circumstances.

WHY IS IT SO FREAKING EXPENSIVE TO MAKE A FAMILY THIS WAY????? UGGGGGGHHH!!!

Good luck! Much to consider in the process even for us world travelers and capable gals!

[pequele]

Kazmumtobe are you going to Kaz or to Russia? I thought if you were going to Kaz that you both have to be there for court? After that then one could return home....maybe I am confused

[kizibits]

I traveled alone to Russia for trip one, but I'm single and none of my friends or family could afford to go, so it's not the same thing. I enjoy traveling alone, so it wasn't a big deal in that sense, but... I would have loved to have had someone there to talk to as a sounding board while I was making the biggest decision of my life. I would think, also, that as the father-to-be, your husband would would REALLY wan to have this opportunity to meet with your prospective child face-to-face before committing to the adoption. I don't mean to say that he couldn't trust you to make the right decision--just that it's his decision, too. If you can possibly afford it and have family or friends who would be good care providers for your current child I would definitely recommend that you both go. Just my humble opinion...

Let me also add that I hope that my dad will be able to go with me on trip one when I go for my second child in a couple years. Not only will he be a good support for me on that trip, but it will give him the opportunity to experience some of his grandchildren's homeland and culture.

[kazmumtobe]

Thanks everyone - we were going to Kaz and YES both parents have to be there for the 14 day bonding period (we were all going since it was going to be such a long time gone up to 6-7 weeks).

But we have switched back to Russia -our heart is there and we know that son #2 is too.

Thanks for all of the advice - hubby really wants to go and bring DS also...so we will see - he can come on the court trip because the 10days not being waived and he will be older...but I don't know about the 1st trip - may just have SIL come down and stay with him.

[jeni-b]

I wasn't aware that one parent was permitted to travel alone to Russia for trip 1.
If it's posible it might be something we would consider.

Right now our plan is to bring DD on trip 1, and leave her home on trip 2, with DH returning home immediately after court to be with her. Of course who knows how it will actually pan out.

I think knowing what to do with your child already at home is the hardest part of adopting again. Good luck.

[bhall]

My wife and I are in the process of adopting from Russia. I've been to Russia before, she has not. There's no way I'd let her make the first trip to Russia alone, for many reasons. Money would be an argument in her court, but as mentioned before it's not a good reason. I've found that when you save money like that you wind up wishing you hadn't.

I would not want to miss seeing everything and being a part of every step of the adoption. It's hard enough being an involved dad when your wife is pregnant (we have 2 biological kids), and entire texts are dedicated to how you keep a dad involved in pregnancy. Why do anything that would lessen his bonding and involvement in the adoption process? That's simply asking for another issue in what is evidently a difficult process to begin with.

This doesn't even begin to touch on the safety/concern issues. It's innate to a husband.

All that said, I would no more expect my wife to deny me the trip than I would try to deny that to her.

[cathvash]

Welcome back to Russia Kazmum, and congrats on your first heartfelt post, bhall!

My situation is similar, yet somewhat different. I am single with a 5-year-old, and have a boyfriend who is more a "life partner" after 14 years (Oh, I hate that term!). I did have to make that first trip alone. Is it stressful? -YES! Would I do it again? -YES!

The reasons for not bringing them along, for me were many. First, I do not have good longterm babysitting options, so we either all have to go or I must leave both boyfriend and daughter behind together. I was concerned about the additional cost. We are all going for trip 2, and I felt that financially, I could only comfortably swing the cost of one trip. Also, I had a fear that if I had to refuse my initial referral, this would be too difficult for a 5-year-old to understand. If things did not go well, I would need all of my mental and emotional reserves to deal with the situation at hand. (As it turned out, this is exactly what happened!) The first trip is also full of "business" visits, and would definitely not be fun for a child. Also, the first trip was only 8 days, and while it was hard to be separated from my family, we all made it through...

As far as your husband's fears for you as you travel alone, I would say that once he DOES go to Russia and sees how "normal" it really is, he likely would not be so afraid for you to travel there alone. I remember my first time in Moscow, thinking "Wow...This looks like Paris!" (The billboards for perfumes and designer clothes must have Stalin turning in his grave!) I would remind him that you will only be alone in the transit airport and on the airplane - Once you arrive at the Russian airport, you are escorted everywhere you need to go. The only time you would be alone is in your hotel, and with few exceptions in very remote areas, most hotels are very safe and secure with restaurants, facilities, (and other American families) on-site. Most also have internet and international phone service readily available, so you can communicate with him every day and as needed.

Bhall makes a good point that the spouse left behind misses a part of the process that is better if shared together. Kind of like: A birth father only gets to see the ultrasound pictures, while a birth mother gets to FEEL the baby moving in her body. If both could share that, it would enhance the experience. Perhaps that is not a fair analogy, but you get my point. Of course it would be better if you can both share the first trip experience, but sometimes you have to choose the "next best" option, and things still turn out okay. I took video and lots of pictures, and we look at these together, over and over... Not the same, but my family is totally bought in at this point!

I agree that it would be better if you could all go. You could then all share in this part of the process together, and if something with the referred child is "wrong", you will have someone there to support you. Having been in that position, it IS difficult to do alone. Thanks to long phone calls (don't ask about my phone bill!), and to kind people responding to my tearful posts on this forum, I made it through. I have no doubt you could also do it if you need to. We are not laone- Many others have made the Trip 1 solo journey as well... Good luck, whatever you decide!

[Pinkie]

Hi Kazmum2be. I'm single and travelled alone for Trip 1 and 2 and if I had to do it again I would. But want I really wanted to say here, is to wish you well and peace with you and your husbands decision, either way its a hard one. Good Luck.

[Ebadge90]

Here is a totally different perspective for travelling alone.............My wife and I travelled with a single woman that was adopting through the same agency as we did. She travelled with us, so as not to really be "travelling" alone. However, she did have a hard time just because she had nobody to bounce ideas off of. She did speak to us about some issues, but we also had our own issues to deal with, and at night, we were not available to talk with her as we needed to sleep sometime.
Seeing your new child for the first time is something that might be hard for only one parent to be a part of. As we were trying to spend time with our new baby, the woman we travelled with kept coming to us with questions concerning her referral.
Although travelling can be done alone, there are many important issues to deal with that might be better done as a family.

[kazmumtobe]

Thanks everyone - it is a really tough thing to know what to do - hubby says the same thing dhall says...this is a family decision and he needs to be there...also I think he has the "innate" safety concerns of a husband...

He has been to Russia with our 1st adoption so he knows the process and when we are with "the team" all thru Russia...

I AGREE 100% that deciding what to do with Children at home is the hardest part - WOW is it ever. We want our son to be with us the whole time...but we also know the trip is hard (he is a great traveller!!! - he can fly 10 hrs no biggie)

We will see what plays out as time goes by!!! Will let you all know - (I kinda already know the plan - DH and son will go both trips )

[kellypmomof3]

I went on trip # 1 by myself. DH stayed home with our 3 boys. I went to Perm. It was no problem at all I felt very safe at all times. The hardest thing was turning down Referral 1 with out him being there.But he trusted me to do what I thought was best.

[momraine]

I traveled alone to get my daughter (of course this was six years ago, almost 7!) Not only that, but I chose her there. My husband and I were in agreement and he trusted me completely. We had talked about what things we could and could not handle and what things we would not try to handle (because of our other children) it was best for him to be with them. For our last adoption, he had to go with me at first. It was very nice having him there. I must say that during the trip for my daughter, for the first half when I was alone and for the second half of my son's adoption, when I was again alone (six week trip dh went home half way through to care for our children) it was much harder than when he was with me. It was the other person to bounce things off of, someone to talk to, someone to play tag team with the parenting duties. A new child is often way more stressful than one you gave birth to. This is not a newborn, this is a terrified child who is having emotions of his or her own, and so it helps to have another person to share that time with. Also not every case where you might want to turn down a refferal is cut and dried. It may be border line. My husband and I talked by e-mail and phone, but I had to make a lot of decisions on my own. I know now that had I turned down a refferal I would have felt guilt. (Heck I feel guilty about the children I saw and didn't choose, even though I know I have the children meant for me)
I reccomend having you both if it's feasable, for us it was not for him to be with me for the whole trip either time. Our kids handled the first one fine, the second one, my daughter got very stressed about me being gone.