[Amysue1112]

Today I was invited to fill in for a Bunco group. Everyone was very excited to hear about our adoption (I only knew 2 of them so most it was our first meeting). One woman had a grandson adopted from Russia and the family just started the adoption of another child.

Just in casual chat, I told her about the Adoptive Family Vacation in July...she sort of turned away (not rude, just sort of...ending the conversation?) and I heard her say to another woman and said this...well, this is the basic jist..not exact words..but something about "they got him out of Russia...he is an American, the LAST thing they want to do is do a trip like that with other adoptive families.....and for sure I heard "but I guess some people see things differently".(insert a sort of grimace, sort of "oh my gosh!" look, sort of "wow what an oddball" look.

Then she had other comments about Russia and the people..I won't repeat...at first I was sort of like..hmm..how strange...
But the more I think about it the more it angers me. Her little grandson's ROOTS are in Russia....and just b/c he was adopted and is an American now, it does not mean they should not encourage him to meet other adopted kids from his birth-country and others. Am I way off here?? Do these people plan on "brushing under the rug" that he is adopted and from Russia? Wow, this has really irritated me.

I have heard plenty of stupid comments like "do you know who her real mom is?" or "you picked a cute one!" ARGH...But at least I can try to see that these comments were not meant may have not been meant to sound the way they did...

But in this situation, I can't imagine that someone thinks we are sort of "strange" to celebrate with other adoptive familes..to celebrate Hannah's birth country..I have even worked to connect with kiddos from Hannah's orphanage, and I "hope" this will be helpful to Hannah is the future. But then again, if she sees herself as an American only and does not want connections to Russia, I can understand and respect that. Oh geez, sorry I am rambling...just wanted to know what your thoughts were....maybe someone can help me put these comments in perspective and understand where she was coming from.

[Mykidsmom]

One thing to keep in mind, it was the Grand-mother that said this. So maybe the parents do not feel this way about their childs Russian heritage.

[kahoxworth]

I've encountered comments of this genre, the most upsetting coming from a member of our family. We recently had a conversation about possible names, and my husband and I said we were both leaning towards keeping whatever name he might have. This family member thought the notion was bizarre, and said "but it will be a Russian name!" to which I responded "well...he'll be Russian". She said "NO. He'll be AMERICAN". She is dead-set on complete assimilation, and has been resistant to any ideas of our not only accepting his heritage, but celebrating it.

I wonder if this is possibly a generational thing? I think the ideas surrounding adoption have changed so dramatically in the last few decades, as well as the social and political attitudes towards Russia in particular, that for some it's hard to let go of the ideas they grew up with. I've had grandparents, older friends, etc. ask me if we were going to tell our son he was adopted...I was somewhat astounded, as you can imagine, but I've had to step back and realize that the openness and honesty in adoption that we are accustomed to is a relatively new concept. Not to mention the remarks we've deflected about the fact that he's coming from Russia...that seems to be the sticking point with a generation who were taught that Russia was "the enemy". We're doing our best to teach old dogs new tricks!

[Ebadge90]

In my opinion, if this particular family wants to forget their child roots, that is their option. We all chose the country we adopted from for a reason, and we accepted the referral for our child for a reason. My choices would not necessarily be those that another poster chose. Neither choice is incorrect.
This board is full of differing opinions. That is what makes this board so informative. I have had other posters post a thought that never entered my mind. It is a great place to bounce ideas off of others, or just read others results with issues.
I would take these comments as just that. A different opinion. Maybe one that is best for that family, but not the best choice for yours.

[momraine]

I would agree with what someone else said, the grandmother's opinion may not be the parents. Heaven forbid anyone take all of my mils opinions and assume mine are the same on everything (I shudder at the thought, even though I love her very much, I don't agree with her on everything!)
The other thing to point out is that she is from a different generation. In her day, when people adopted it was kept secret, they thought back then, that is was best for the children to not know the truth and for everyone to pretend as much as possible that the child had been born to the family. I went to school with a child adopted from Vietnam and her grandmother liked to pretend she was not adopted. It was funny because her siblings were blond and blue eyed like her parents. Grandma loved her, but would make up things about why she looked different. The child was two when she was adopted and everyone else knew it and it was not a big deal, except to this one grandma. She would tell people that her daughter ate a lot of chinese food when she was pregnant. LOL, it bacame a family joke people making up reasons a woman would give birth to a two year old vietnamese child. My friend just thought it was funny. I asked her once if it ever hurt her feelings and she said no, her mom had explained to her that grandma just loved her so much she wished they shared blood, (grandma did make comments like "she gets her music talent from me") so she said that everytime she heard grandma say one of her little things, she said all she heard was "I love you". I thought that was such a great attitude. What could have torn a family apart, actually made them closer.

[proudmommyof 2]

Sounds like my FIL! We get along very well, he loves the kids as much as I do, but whenever I say anything about the boys being Russian, he corrects me and says, "They aren't Russian. They're American." I'll correct him nicely and remind him that they are actually citizens of both countries, but that their nationality will always be Russian, which is a good thing.

Definitely a generational thing! Wait until we get Claire home and have lots of Korean music and sounds and do attachment parenting hard core with her. He'll really think we're nuts!

[NeedsANap]

I'm certainly not going to excuse the comments, they were simply rude, and as others have said, the parents may not think that way at all, but I can say that some older people I know have had similar thoughts (more tactfully expressed, fortunately) about a cousin adopted from Russia. She is older (8) and they felt that because she was not an infant, she'd never become "American," and surely they wanted her to, right? Well, no, she's Russian, and even if she's an American citizen and her family is now in America, her heritage will still be Russian. Finally, what it came down to, was the fact that for that generation, Russia (or the USSR) was the enemy...communists...the reason they had bomb shelters and "duck and cover"...and they haven't really adjusted their attitudes, it's too ingrained. What proved helpful was just education...that Russia has a rich and beautiful culture.

[proudmommyof 2]

I think NeedsANap hit on something! Do you think it's because of the Cold War, and even the superpower standoffs of the 80s, that some people think that it's an insult (for lack of a better word) to be called Russian? Maybe?

Growing up, we were always afraid of Russians. Every movie had Russian enemies and bombs. But I guess, I was still very young when the Soviet Bloc collapsed, so when we were in Moscow, part of me was thinking "hee, hee. I've penetrate the Iron Curtain, and I'm going to get some Soviet secrets".

[NeedsANap]

I was pretty young when the Soviet Block collapsed too, but I remember when I started studying Russian in college, the first thing they taught us to say (half-jokingly) was "Don't shoot comrade, I know secrets!"

Old attitudes die hard, especially if you lived with them your entire life...

[cathvash]

I agree that there may be a large generational component here. It has only occurred at some point since our parents' generation that adoption became "socially acceptable" and openly discussed outside the family, much less celebrated! Adoption was seen as a "second choice" for most people (and for some of us, perhaps at one time it was...) Accept and learn to love the kids, sure, but to celebrate their adoption and where they came from??!!! Oh Granny, turn over!!

Add to this the old "melting pot" picture of America. Anyone who came here was expected to make their ethnic roots "invisable". Recent immigrants to the States tend NOT to "melt" in, but retain their language and traditions proudly, and this still remains a bone of contention, particularly for many. (A friend from Canada once told me that there, immigrants make the country more of a "stew" than a melting pot, and that's the way everyone likes it!)

A vacation such as this is truly a celebration! Those of us who have gone through this process understand. We are blessed and indeed have much to celebrate! Others, sadly will never understand...

The devil in me wants you to send a copy of the vacation brochure to this lady's kids ...

[Amysue1112]

This has turned into a very interesting discussion, and one that many of us can learn from...


When we came home, my dad said "I am sooo glad you kept a blog of your experience. To hear how wonderful the Russian people were to you...to see how well they cared for Hannah...to see that the people you met did not treat you differently or poorly b/c you were American..it really made me have a whole new perspective on the Russian people".

I really agree, it probably is a generational thing...and well the media doesn't help either. I was watching 24 last week (first time) and their were some Chinese people holding a hostage to get "Russian secrets"......just encourages the "them and us" mentality.

Cath, I asked for her daughter's info to "talk"..she said she would get it to me..and if she does I WILL tell her about the vacation! This lady should WANT them to come to the vacation since it is where WE live...who would complain about a chance to see her grandchild?

Also, she was VERY mis-informed about what is going on in Russia..I didn't correct her b/c I figured maybe her daughter was intentionally keeping her out of the "loop".

Also, in hindsight, I wonder if this woman really liked the "attention" she got from the other ladies...and did not like sharing the limelight with me...

There was a post on another forum from an adoptee and was a very helpful perspective..for her, she WANTED her family to support her heritage...

Any other adoptees want to weigh in? It would be great to hear the way you feel about this.

Also, I think it sort of "burnt" me b/c I am doing what I believe is the "best" thing for my kiddo, and I guess it sort of bothered me that the insinuation was that it was not the best thing for her. I think I am doing it right, but I suppose in time we will see...

[dlhall]

Originally Posted by Amysue1112

Also, I think it sort of "burnt" me b/c I am doing what I believe is the "best" thing for my kiddo, and I guess it sort of bothered me that the insinuation was that it was not the best thing for her. I think I am doing it right, but I suppose in time we will see...

Isn't that what we all try to do?? Unfortunately, parenting doesn't come with a crystal ball to tell the future or a manual of the "right" way to do things. We do the best we can and hope it turns out alright!

Liz

[pequele]

Originally Posted by Amysue1112

Also, I think it sort of "burnt" me b/c I am doing what I believe is the "best" thing for my kiddo, and I guess it sort of bothered me that the insinuation was that it was not the best thing for her. I think I am doing it right, but I suppose in time we will see...

That's right, you do what is best for your family and she does what she think is best for hers. Are either of you in the right or in the wrong??? Simply yes, simply no.

I say don't lose sleep over someone esle's actions/reactions like this. You have done your best to include/educate this woman and her family. If she passes on the info, GREAT!!! If not oh well their loss!

[Ebadge90]

As others have said, we are doing the "best" for OUR children. Nobody is going to convince me that what I am doing for my son is not the best course of action that could be taken.
There are many books out there telling us how to raise our adopted children. But are they all the same? No. We as parents are different, as well as our children are different. I have disagreed with some on this board, and have been told outright that I was wrong with what I was doing. It didn't bother me because I am doing what I "know" to be best for my situation.

[angelkisses0102]

One point of view which should always be considered on this is what is right for our adoptees, not what is right for us. What I am doing now, how will be looked at from my adopted child's view once they become an adult adoptee? It is not about our 'comfort' or what we want...but what our child needs to find comfort in this adoptee 'skin.'

Amy...you have gotten great advice here and elsewhere regarding this...you are right to celebrate your daughter's heritage and her being an adoptee. Pretending or hiding the fact that your child is adopted does so much harm to them. But this is a newer concept...as more adult adoptees of the BSE come forward and as we listen, really listen to their experiences...I think we as adoptive parents in these closed adoptions from Russia (oh so similiar to the BSE) will learn so much that can and will benefit our children for the rest of their lives. Our Russian born kiddos will grow to become adults and very well may question our decisions. As long as we make the best and most informed decisions as we possible can...it should be accepted by our kiddos as adults. No parent is perfect, we all make mistakes...all we can do is try our best for our little adoptees.