[DoreenG]

And wow, it's getting hard. Harder, I should say.

I really don't want to get dissed, or slammed. I'm not giving up on him or me or us, but I would love simple strategies that you might have employed on your older adopted kids integrating into a family.

He's controlling. He's misbehaving to see if the limits are the same every time (they are). He's loud, extremely loud. Very un-coordinated. He has eyesight issues that create horrible hand-eye coordination, we're working on it. He is blase to us. He is bonding with his brother, which is great. He thinks the dogs are better than we are. He laughs when corrected and runs away. I didn't expect him to own up to things breaking, but he hides them and then the dissapointment is even harder to take (dissapointed he broke yet another thing, and dissapointed he hides what he broke, and of course, stays as far away as possible).

Laughing hysterically when corrected. Going beserk in a store and having to be carried out, screaming and kicking.

I barely go anywhere as it is, and it's hard to think I'll be more housebound in the coming months instead of having that be alleviated a little. We have lousy weather so outside time is nil right now.

When possible, we are outside, shoveling snow or dirt, riding bikes, pulling heavy wagons...doing anything to work off excess energy.

I swear, he is truly acting out just to do it. He wants to be caught...is that weird?

He's 6, but developmentally (due to cultural differences) I'd say he's got the curiousity and development of a 2 yr old. He's started to backtalk me (and yes, he knows he is). His English is fantastic. I'm amazed, and he understands a lot more than he sometimes lets on, and then other times he's totally oblivious.

KIND words of wisdom welcome....or simply just kind words....

[Mykidsmom]

Bless your heart. Maybe work on keeping his world small, just your immediate family nothing to overstimulate. I would not take him out much (stores or visiting) because of over-stimulation, a month is a very, very short time.

I know others will chime in with valuable ideas on working on bonding. Has your ped given him a reasonably good clean bill of health or is there other things going on. Have you checked into Early Intervention in your area for testing. We started with the Parents as Teachers Organization, they did home visits.

[Russiamomto3]

Doreen,
If he is sensory seeking the "heavy work" is great for him. Have him move things around, shovel snow, move dirt, plant flowers, build something, anything to give him that Hard imput that is body is looking for, you will see a change from it if he is in fact sensory seeking. He'll be clamer after the hard work. Maybe get an indorr scooter, one he can sit on and use his hands or feet to move himself around (lying or sitting on it). Coordination.....try gymnastics. REALLY it will do wonders for his coordination and musle strength. Another thing you might try is things like relay races with all of them (holding a plastic egg on a spoon). Tramplines (the indoor type) are great too.
Testing his limits is normal. He most likely is more on the level of a 3-4 year old so think about when your others were that age and testing.....YUP almost the terrible 2 and 3s over again with a 6 year old.
Has he started school? If so have him tested by the child study team. They can provide OT at the school for the sensory seeking stuff and coordination.
I have 2 sesory seeking boys and the OT really does help, but they need it constantly without their bodies don't know what to do (almost like an ADHD kid). (they are kind of like this icon all day long)
Good luck

[GCS]

Hang in there! Those first months are the hardest!

Be consistant (which it seems you are). Be loving and remember that he is actually much younger than he is chronologically. He doesn't know the rules yet and he is still trying to figure everything out. Try and limit his world a bit now, he's probably over stimulated.

I remember being surprised about DS has such a hard time socially with the other children. Since he lived with so many other children. There were a whole new set of rules in playing with other kids that he didn't understand. It took 6 months for him to catch on and another 6 for him to get acclimated.

123 magic didn't work for us. Why stop at one when you can wait until 3? We use the Love and Logic techniques with him. I redirect him the way I would a much younger child when he gets worked up. And for us its all about consequences and losing priviliges. We can play down the street with your friends but these are the rules and if you dont follow the rules we wont come back again for a long time. Set the expectation up front and then you can just remind him later. Basic rules like 'when Mom says its time to go, its time to go' will help you out in many situations.

Good luck!
Christina

[kretzklan]

I made our children's worlds VERY small for at least a year. We did what we needed to do (stores, errands), but they were confined to a cart or the rule was they must hold the cart at all times. I believe in setting firm expectations up front, no surprises for you or him. It's great that language is coming along - it will be helpful that he can communicate.
He is testing you, testing your husband, testing your other kids, testing the whole environment to see what is safe and what isn't...while it's scary for them, remember that they want structure - crave it really.

My kiddos still don't know alot of what other kids their ages know. They don't know that they could possible have a choice of what to wear - because I don't give them one. It cuts down on arguments - because they simply don't know to argue it. We live a very structured life to this day (home over 16 months).

Try time-in when he laughs at your directions. Keep him on your lap or within arms reach. I call it my "right-hand person" and they must hold my hand until I feel they've re-gathered themselves.

[DoreenG]

Thanks for suggestions, I hope you all keep them coming.

Yes, he's sensory seeking. My daughter has autism, so while not an expert (i.e., an OT), I've had my trial by fire with developmental delays and know that sensory issues need to be met before logical thinking can happen.

In so many ways, he's doing so incredibly well that I feel like a whiner complaining when I do. On good days, he amazes me to no end. On bad days...well, sometimes the best I can say about his isn't all that great. And we're having a lot more bad days now. We had awful ones in the beginning (that stupid wait in country, what a counter-productive waste), and then it got very good for a while when we first got home. Now it's the testing, and all the echolalia (sp?) is just enough to make you want to go bananas.

For the most part, things are okay...but I can't wear him out fast enough. And yes, we are working on the general health thing. He's legally blind without corrective lenses, and has glasses, and they are his favorite things in the world, (thank the stars for small favors), so that's opened a new world for him, and we've tested positive for nearly every intestinal parasite known to man, and we're working each new thing as we can. I know he's no longer in pain, and can see for the first time in his life.

But sometimes...well, to be honest, sometimes he's ARGH! Just now, as I smiled at him over his activity, he looked at me, smiled, and then slammed the dog crate door (which is a no-no) and smiled at me.


UGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[karenmarq]

I don't have any advice for your situation, but just wanted to send a big (((((HUG)))))). Remember to take care of yourself, too.

Karen

[catabaia]

My thoughts are with you. Imagine how your life was before and how many good things he brought in your life and how much difference you made in his life. Have faith, patience and hope. Everything will be OK, we are here with you.

[hybell]

My son was nearly 5 when he came home, and he's 6 now. It steadily got worse everyday until about 3 months home, and then slowly (SLOWLY) got better. We still have some of the behaviors you describe 20 months home, but there is still a huge improvement.

How far back can you comfortably regress him? Will he rock in the rocking chair? Take a bottle or sippy cup? Can you swaddle him in a blanket? He might be acting 2, but he might also need some of the life lessons for a 10 month old.

Some of the "testing" could also be related to object permanence. Our son will look at us as he does something mildly naughty (flush the toilet multiple times, slam a cabinet door, or poke at a friend). Bringing him closer and acknowledging that he needs you will probably help. Kind of a "I see you, I know you are here." Name your feelings and label his (or take your best guess). I use "I see that you are smiling, but your eyes look very sad. I bet you are sad inside" alot.

Generally up the attachment activities as much as you can stand it. Keep his surroundings very basic - one toy out at a time, or line-of-sight supervision at all times. I find the "heavy work" sensory activities to be very helpful, but I also am aware that hyper-arousal in PI kids can look like lots of energy. My son often needs to be reeled in and cuddled with a story book at these times, even though it's tempting to make him do laps outside! He just can't calm himself down, even if he wants to.

Hang in there. The first few months were just about survival for me. Feel free to PM me if you need more ideas.

[ddahl]

I just want to say that I am sending you a big fat hug no strings attached. I have no advice just hugs. Its a very very hard adjustment. 1.5 years and we are still adjusting. You will do this one day at a time and you will be great. Follow through follow through follow through and pack all unnecessary trinkets in the house up and put them in totes. Narrow his world to save yours. Oops, I think that was advice.....

[Russiamomto3]

One other thing we did with our oldest. Lay out a small blanket. Do things like read a book, do a puzzle, draw, etc ON the blanket. These are his boundaries, keep him on the blanket as long as you can start with maybe 2 mintues and up it when you see he can do it. It will do two things, lessen his distractions of other things since he can only do what is on the blanket and also, it will give you and he attachment time to sit on the blanket edge with him an do the puzzles etc as you redirect to stay within his boundaries.

[Jen_in_OH]

Not sure if any of this will be helpful, but...

Our daughter was 4.5 when she was adopted. The first month was so bad!!! By the 3rd month I knew we would survive - a year later and I knew things would be ok.

I agree with previous posters. Keep his world as small as possible. I found that my daughter loved to play baby. I wish I would have realized that sooner. She loved to be held and rocked while she would "pretend" to scream and cry. She just turned 6 and she still sometimes enjoys that game but not nearly as frequently.

For what it is worth, we have been home for 20 months. My daughter is like a different person than she was that first month. I think it is easy to minimize how exceptionally stressful this must be on our children.

Good luck!
Jen
PS - remember to breathe.

[Abdulina]

Oh Doreen, I've been where you are. I hate to say it but need to be honest w/ you. Things are going to get much worse before they get any better. Write me privately and I'll give you my home email. We've adopted 7 older children. Ages at adoption were 3,4,4,6,6,7, & 8. So, mostly the age range you are in. You need to nip some things in the bud now to get things in control. Do NOT go anywhere the first month home is what I always tell people. Not even to Walmart. Nowhere. We are shut-ins the first month home---LOL. Strip the room to the bare basics. These children are used to an orpahnage setting. It is there comfort zone. They are used to being controlled in all aspects of their lives. It is the familiarity they need when first home. VERY routine. VERY routine. can't stress this enough. Same exact time for breakfast, lunch and dinner every day. Same things done every day. I know this sounds mundane but it has to be done. This routine results in a sense of security. Once security is established, bonding begins more easily. And yes, they probably won't like you much the first few months home. You are the "enemy" right now. You took them from their "family" at the orphanage, their culture, their language, their identity away. This is all part of the assimilating into a family process. It is natural. They don't hate you. (though a night like tonight--they'll throw it back in your face!-- --my 14yo daughter told my husband and I tonight we are NOT her real parents but her caretakers. Not even going there...urghh.) Anyhow, he does not hate you. And depending upone what orphanage he came from in Stavropol, will make a huge difference. Some are notariously rough. My 11yo was adopted from Stav almost 3 years ago. She is a RADish but that's another issue. You need to gain ALL and TOTAL control. I know this sounds terrible but believe me, it does help. Also, take away any and all Russian Icons he has. Photos, religious icons, toys, etc. I'm not trying to erase their memories or identity folks, that's not it. But these cihldren have such a flurry of emotions when first arriving home, that having all that, adds to the confusion. Yana had a tough time adjusting when first home till we took away all her Russian stuff. Gave it back months later. Point is, these childrne need to know we are there for them whenever they need us. We have to become their sole source of dependency. They need to know we are their family and we have to teach them that. This takes time but htere are things you can do to help w/ it. He's 6. Read to him every night before bed. Be firm and consistent w/ discipline. He is NOT allowed to laugh at you. Must have consequences for when he does that. It is an old form of orphanage manipulation. Trust me, I know all about manipulation! Older orphanage children are SO loud. They are used to speaking loudly to be heard. Hard habit to break. I'll try to remember to write you a little later. Give you some strategies that may help. Alot of what I said above will help a bit. We've learned over the years. So that's why this last time, adjustment went so well. But took us a long time to learn what worked nad what didn't. I wish you all the best. It is a total learning process. BTW, the children will always appear smarter than they are at first b/c of how quicklyt hey obtain language. Don't let this fool you. A 6yo like you said will be developmentally about half that. And for some things, treat him as though he were 3. Others, like he were 6. It's hard to do but you'll have to. I wish you all thebest. It gets better but it may take quite awhile.

Take care,

[cindyc]

I'm just plain sending kind words and thoughts! Peace be with you.

For what it's worth, I thought age 6 was a tough age for my older two, adopted at birth. They drove me to tears at times!

Hang in there. Things do eventually get better.
Cindyc

[beckyww]

Julia, adopted at age 6 from St. Pete, also liked to be "babied." We would wrap her up in a blanket and give her a pacifer and she would coo and "cry." I would talk to her just like a baby, and hold her close and rock her. That went on a few months. Now she still likes to be blanketed and rocked, but forget the pacifer and the baby sounds.


Becky
The Woodworth Family in Beautiful San Antonio TX