[adoptrussiablogger]

I put up a post on the Russian Adoption Blog this morning about helping an adopted child come to terms with the concept of a stranger. But I'd love to hear how some of you have talked about strangers with your children.

[Annabell]

We liked the Berenstain Bears book about strangers as a converation starter. I thought it was well-done. Assures children that MOST people are good, but acknowledges that there can be "bad apples" that look ok on the outside but are bad on the inside.

There's a good list in the back -- family rules for dealing with strangers.

Hope this helps.

[ddahl]

bumping you up as I am also curious as to how other handle this one....

[Pinkie]

Adoptrussiablogger, I've just read this section of your blog and what you say is so true!!

Antonina was five and a half years old when home and would go up to anyone. She thought all men were her new daddy and would have happily took any strangers hand and walked off with them. For me it was a nightmare and I found some adults didn't help matters. One day we were strolling along the marina and a man (walking with his wife) offered Antonina some of his ice cream. I thought it was really stupid of him and told him so! Then one day we were in the park and I was relaxing on the grass whilst Antonina was playing on the big climbing frame/slide. She was playing with the children of another couple and at one point I heard the man say to his wife that he was going to play with the kids for a while. I didn't think anything of it until I heard this excited WOOOO HOOO kind of voices and looked up to see Antonina sitting on this mans knee coming down the tube-slide together. I was livid!

My approach was simple especially as you have to take into account that Antonina's english nor spanish were good enough to explain properly. I firmly told her on many occassions that No, do not talk to anyone we don't know, No, don't cuddle anyone we don't know, No, we don't hold anyone's hand we don't know. I took the hard line.

I am pleased to say that with time I feel I don't need to worry so much and of course its human nature that we do talk to strangers in a nice kind of way. To give you an example, last summer we spent alot of time at the waterpark and if we were in line waiting our turn we would sometimes engage or be engaged in light conversation about the weather and on more than one occassion if a family sitting next to us had a child Antonina's age of course it was nice that the girls would play in the water together. So one day Antonina clicked and whilst I was pulling up in the parking lot of a large supermarket she very seriously said "Mummy, I need to ask you something". I said Ok sweetie whats on your mind. She said "are we or are we NOT allowed to talk to people we don't know?". I parked the car and turned to talk to her and told her the truth. I told her that at first I was very wary of who she spoke to as some people are not as nice as others etc, I told her that I honestly thought she would wonder off with someone and leave me. She threw her hands up to her face and took in her breathe and said "Mummy, I would NEVER walk off with anyone and I would NEVER leave you". I was pleased and felt that the message had got through....

[LilyMoon]

We also used the Berenstain Bears book as well as one about Winnie the Pooh. I felt the books helped in addition to our discussions as it was another source other than me.

We had issues with my dd going to others, too, when she first came home. I took a very hard line about touching or talking to people we don't know or even people I knew but my dd didn't. This was a rough boundary as we could give a friendly kiss to someone we hadn't seen in a while who was a stranger to her. It really made me think about our social boundaries. As Pinkie mentioned, we also had incidents where adults would be too familiar with our dd in a way that made me very uncomfrotable and upped the ante for me to really drive this message home. It took a while, but dd got the message and would never consider talking to strangers or getting involved with anyone without my approval.

[kretzklan]

We weren't afraid to put a little fear into all our kids on this topic. There are things to be afraid of, and stranger danger is a good one. In the beginning, we were very hard line. No touching, talking, anything with anyone we don't know. I gave them time to learn and warm up to people that I'm close to as well - never forced a hug or touch upon them. Then we had an incident at the park with some teenagers and we drew the hard line again.
The rule now is that if Mom and Dad are with you - meaning right beside you - it's OK to answer people if they speak to you...but only what you want to say. You may NEVER go with anyone that you don't know and you will never be asked to go with anyone else without express discussion before hand.
My kids will now come in from our yard if they see people on the street they don't know. I'm OK with that and we discuss each instance to help them feel more comfortable.

[GCS]

We waited a bit longer to really talk about this with our DS. He would have gone to anyone and was overly friendly with guys we knew just casually (waiters at restaurants we would see occassionally). Very much in the indiscriminate attachment stage at first.

We didn't think he had the language or social skills at first to discuss this so we limited his world to not make those situations too available.

Once we were able to broaden his environment we didn't put the "fear" in him. (he had enough fears already we figured). We just would redirect him and tell him what was appropriate or not appropriate behavior. (ie you don't have to hug everyone you just meet goodbye. You do have to hug your Nana goodbye.) On top of the "we always need to be able to see you" saftey type of conversations we always had with him.

We had the big stranger danger talk with him around his 5th birthday (home about 20 months). Some people are bad some people are good. If someone else tries to take you away from us let others around you know that this person is not your Dad/Mom. Scream very loud and kick them until someone hears you. And so on. We really got detailed in this. You only can go with someone we tell you to go with. Dont take things from other people. We reinforce this with him during everyday things now. And since he knows the rules, his little sister hears them and knows them too.

[adoptrussiablogger]

Thanks for the feedback everybody. It took me a while to track down the Berenstain Bears book, but you're right, it is very helpful.

[maddensmom]

Hey. Can you post a link for that book or some more info about it? I can't find it at all. Thanks.