[amyfk]

Hi to the board,

I figured maybe Id get your advice on this one as someone else maybe has run into this situation with their newly adopted child.

On my dad's side of the family I have five first cousins(my aunt had no fertility issues whatsover...lol) There is a big age gap between my cousins and myself and I get to see them perhaps every two years. I honestly don't feel like I have a connection with them and don't feel close to them. My mom is in touch with two of them.

One of the cousins whom my mom talks to from time to time has a daughter of marriageable age. She is having an upcoming engagement party in April and is getting married on Memorial Day Weekend.

Soon after I came back from Russia I mailed an engagement gift to my cousins's daughter. I got her a nice towel set which I paid a good $ for.

Meanwhile, my mother told my cousin around Christmastime that we have a newly adopted daughter at home from Russia. Neither my cousin or her daughter have in any way shape or form acknowledged my new family addition.

I have had casual acquaintances buy me gifts, send me cards, called me, etc. about my new baby. From my first cousin and her family I got nothing.

I honestly don't feel like shlepping out to Long Island for a shower and a wedding when something very important to me was so obviously overlooked.

Should I just make an excuse and bail, or should I write a letter to my cousin and mail it letter her know why I hope to stay home?

Thanks in advance,\
Amy K, NJ

[votemom]

if you don't want to go, don't go.
i wouldn't explain your hurt feelings. she won't even get it.

if you've never been close, there really is no reason to go.

i definitely wouldn't share your hurt feelings with other family members either. for sure, at some point, that info will spread and more people will know than you can imagine.

if you feel obligated to acknowledge her, you could send a lovely card, adding some sincere words of your happiness for her joy. cuz even if you aren't close, and even if she did hurt you, i'm sure as a caring human being you ARE happy that she found true love and you can remember that joyous time of life.

[Pinkie]

Amy, I agree with votemom on this. Don't go if you don't want to, if you've never been close it shouldn't be an issue with the rest of the family. I wouldn't make a thing out of it, just gracefully make your apologies and leave it at that.

[MissDaisyofTexas]

Speaking from experience as a many-time bridesmaid, brides can be very focused on the upcoming wedding and they can let other things go unnoticed. And/or, if she's young she may not know many friends who have had babies and doesn't realize that it's an occasion to offer congratulations. I'm not trying to make excuses for her, but just trying to throw some ideas out there on what may reallly be happening.

It's up to you to decide what to do...I would personally probably go to the wedding and support her anyways because she is family. But, that's because I come from a very small family and it is very rare that we have a gathering or celebration to attend.

Anyways...good luck with your decision.

[KimOH]

I agree with Miss Daisy. I'd go and not mention your hurt feelings.

In my family, weddings and funerals are obligations, not invitations. You are expected to be there no matter what (even if you aren't close.) Skipping because you felt slighted by the bride would only look bad on you, I'm afraid.

I don't blame you for feeling hurt, but it's not worth starting a "war" with the cousins. Go to the wedding, wish them happy lives, and get on with your life with your wonderful child.

p.s. If you really don't think it would be a big deal in your family to miss the wedding, then I'd come up with "another committment" that prevents you from attending, but I still wouldn't mention the lack of a baby gift.

[Sally26]

I have two opinions:

1. Don't go and don't let them know you are hurt unless they ask. Send a card congratulating her.

2. Don't go to the shower, don't give a gift, but go to the wedding and take the baby (you shouldn 't be leaving the baby with anyone for attachment purposes! . If the baby acts up leave out of the ceremony. Let everyone see the wonderful child you have that they have refused to acknowledge.

[beckyww]

Hmmm....another thought here. Did you send adoption announcements? Did she send shower/wedding invitations?

Truthfully, she sounds self-absorbed, and I'm not trying to split hairs, but if she's only "heard" you adopted versus your telling her you adopted w/an announcement....I think that lessens the importance to her, especially if she's all et up with herself and the wedding right now.

My husband has a nephew to whom we're not close whom I know had a baby a year or so ago. We got no announcement. I sent no gift. We are far more fond of his niece, who also had a baby about a year ago, and for whom we got an announcement. We don't have much contact w/her either, but we did get an announcement. We sent a gift. If we'd gotten an announcement from the nephew, I would have ensured that baby got a gift, too. But he didn't, and that to me says, "You don't care enough about our relationship to tell me about something so important. That's okay - truly. But don't expect me to put myself out. And I have to assume that's okay with you, too."

We didn't send announcements when we adopted Julia, mostly because of our blog. We basically "announced" her electronically to every subscriber. Plus I hand-write and call elderly members of the family without internet access. We got gifts from many; didn't from most, including many cousins to whom we'd sent baby gifts over the years - and that's fine. They don't subscribe to my blog, and therefore, I did not "announce" to them. Announcing to their moms or sisters or brothers or whatever is not the same thing.

Even casual acquaintances probably heard about your adoption directly. So if you didn't tell your cousins directly you adopted...gift-gifting just probably wasn't on the radar for them.

Becky
The Woodworth Family in Beautiful San Antonio TX

[Drazil]

Personally I would not be going. You are not close and I do not feel people should "guilt" anyone into doing anything. You have already acknowledged the engagement and I really see no other obligation for you unless you really want to go. Also, I guess they either don't really care that you have adopted or perhaps they have issues with adoption but whatever the reason they have not even sent you a card so you can see how far the obligation to family goes with them (I have found that if someone really cared about me they acknowledged our son in some way even if it was a phone call). You have the perfect excuse not to go so use it (maybe "your baby is not ready for that kind of trip or something like that) but under no circumstances should you feel guilty, its not worth the time and effort to feel guilty.

[lakimnafite]

I wouldn't go, wouldn't send another gift. I would send a card saying I am so happy about her marriage, but it would be too difficult to travel and attend with your wonderful new daughter. Wish her a happy life with her new husband.

[Jamie_McCue]

Hi,

I have had some similar situations with cousins. My mom has 4 sisters all of which have children much older than myself. I recall going to all of their weddings in the past and buying them gifts and whatnot and not having any of them send me a shower gift, wedding gift or even a card at my wedding time. Don't let the situation get the best of you, there are just certain people out there that only think of themselves and not others. I would try not to make the decision on being a part of her events based on this, even though I would (it's much easier to give people the right advice and not listen to it yourself...lol). Bottom line is if for any reason you do not feel like being a part of it then don't. Not to be rude by saying this but it seems as though you won't be "missed" if you aren't there anyhow. I wouldn't bother .

Congratulations on your new family!

[amyfk]

HI,

Thanks to you all for your good suggestions. I appreciate it.

Amy K, NJ

[Amysue1112]

HI Amy,
I would not go for sure...but i would not "explain" why you were hurt either (although I COMPLETELY understand...).
If this were someone that you did have or wished to have a close relationship with, then maybe i would share my feelings with them. But since they have not appeared to consider your feelings regarding your adoption, it is not likely that they will change their ways with a letter.
I would just RSVP that you are unable to come, and leave it at that.

[Chris3148]

I wouldn't go, wouldn't send a gift, and I would send the response card back marked "no, because as a family we are still settling in with our new little daughter. Best wishes to you".

[SingleMama2B]

Hi Amy.... I too would not go. If I am not close to someone, I don't feel as if I should be to this special day. Sometimes family members feel obligated to invite other family members (through there parents, etc.). I too would not let your personal feelings known to her. If you where close, that would be different, but if not, who really cares. I always weigh out when I receive a 'distant' family member's invitation if I would go or not.

I have CLOSE family in the neigboring state. They ALL knew that I was adopting (my first and only child, and they knew for years that I could not have children), and some did NOT even acknowledge that my journey was over, and my beautiful daughter was finally home! I too was hurt, but I still send her Christmas Card Picture to them all each year (2 years now). All I have heard basically was.... "Wow, she really looks like you!" Not, how is everything going? - How is she adjusting?, etc!

I take it for what it is, and do "What I am comfortable doing"! That is my advice to you.... Do what YOU are comfortable in doing, NOT what you think is expected from you!

Blessings......................

[Annabell]

Hey --

Thought about your dilemma all day. Buy the prettiest card that you can find and send your regrets. It does not sound as if your family is so joined at the breast-bone that your absence will be an issue.

No guilt, PLEASE. You have a new child. To all reasonable people, this is a free pass. To those who don't get it, well, [I'm not allowed to say it on this site] if they can't take a joke.

And I would not unburden myself on the cuz as to precisely WHY you're not schlepping. No "tit for tat" --no need to cause an uproar. Send a card. Wish them well. You'll look classy and avoid other issues.

Hope this helps!