[marina72]

Hi!
I have an opportunity to write my child´s biological mother in Russia. Please help, what I´ll write?

[kretzklan]

Wow...it's such a personal thing. I guess I would want to know about health and family history.

[blueprints]

Oh my goodness.... That's something to think about. Our children were severely neglected and abandoned by thier birth mom. I think I'd have to put aside my feelings and try to think more of what my children might ask if given the chance. Maybe even ask some older adoptees to help with what questions to ask. Also, I'd ask about medical history.

[cindyc]

I had this opportunity when we adopted domestically. I thanked the birthmom from the bottom of my heart for giving me the gift of our son. I know releasing him for adoption was a tough, tough choice, and I really wanted her to feel good about her choice, know that we appreciated it more than anything anyone had ever done for us, and that our son would be very much loved and cared for.

It IS a very personal letter to write!

Best wishes,
Cindyc

[heikewould]

Hi there,

I'm putting this out there because others helped me to write this letter and I think it may help others also. When we decided to adopt internationally, one reason was to have a closed adoption. It's now coming up on two years and I know she is my daughter and the "threat" I was feeling is gone. I only hope to be able to sooth any fears, heartache and questions my DD may have for me one day. Therefore we did the search. Besides photos and a questionaire, this is the letter I sent.

To the Russian Mother of our daughter,

Hello and thank you for reading this letter and meeting up with the person who contacted you. I want you to know that Samantha is loved. Each and every day is a blessing and we can’t think of a day she wasn’t part of us.

We met Samantha in December 2004 at 6 months old. She was being cared for in the Teremok orphanage in the city of Tver. Her caretakers there said she was always a happy baby who loves to sing. That is very true. She loves to sing and dance. We had to make two trips and in March of 2005 the Russian courts allowed us to become Samantha’s parents. She was nine months old. We kept the name you gave her as her middle name, Margarita.

Paul and I were not sure how we felt about contacting you. We have been home for 18 months and I have been reading stories from other adoptive parents. We came to the decision together. We want to know her birthparents. We want you to know that although we can’t imagine the hard decision you had to make we are blessed for that decision. Thank you for allowing us to have a daughter as wonderful as this little girl.

About Samantha, she is smart, beautiful, curious and is an open and friendly little girl. From the moment she came home she was outgoing. She started walking at 14 months and running soon after! She will be a tall girl, 36 inches at 2 years old. I was born in Germany so she speaks English and German quite well. We go for walks and to the park to play in the sand and ride the swings. She just started ballet and loves it. Samantha is a bit of a picky eater, she doesn’t much care for vegetables! I don’t force her to eat anything; I just make sure I keep trying different things she might learn to like.

We will tell Samantha that she was adopted as the time comes. We will answer her questions as fully and honestly as we can. Besides the list of questions attached to this paperwork I would love to know anything you are willing to share. I know you have other girls that were placed for adoption; do you know the birthdates and birth names? Are the other girls full siblings? Have you had anymore children since Samantha? What are you and the birthfather like? What are you good at? What do you like to do for fun?

In closing, we would like an ongoing relationship with you if you’re comfortable with that. We also hope that perhaps we have eased a hurt in your heart. To know that Samantha is happy, healthy, safe and very much loved. She is our life. Thank you.

From the American/German father and mother of your daughter

Paul and Heike
USA

[marina72]

Thank you all, especially Heike for shearing your personal thoughts. That was so bautiful. Now I have the strengts to start my letter. A big hug to you all.

[Isabo]

Heike's letter was beautiful. I think it is important that Heike talked about her daughter instead of just asking questions to the first mother and father. Heike also talked about herself. As a mother who lost her child in a closed adoption, I would want to hear all sorts of details about what my son was like, what he was doing, what his likes and dislikes are, what his personality is. I would also like to hear about the home he lives in, whether he has other brothers and sisters, and what you as his adoptive parents are like. I was given such minimal information about my son's adoptive parents that it could have been information about anybody. I found out later that most of it wasn't accurate - the information was much more positive than the reality. So, I would want to be reassured that my child was in a good place, and I would want to see that in your letter, by the love that I see expressed for my child in the way that you talk about him/her, not just by you telling me that.

One thing I noticed that would have bothered me. It was not until reunion that I ever heard myself referred to as a "birthmother". I was my son's mother and he also had another mother. I had not lost my child because of anything that I did or because I was a bad mother, I lost him because society thought I was too young (17) and my parents bought into that. I had not realize that the adoption community was so vested in using titles that minimized my place in my child's life, and this has been a very sad lesson to learn. I do not know how Russians handle this or what titles they use, but I think you should just refer to them as her mother and father. The reference to "the birthfather" was very jarring and offputting to read. This man is "her father" not "the birthfather." I am sure you do not want to cause them pain with your letter.

Overall, it was a wonderful letter, and I think something similar to it would be treasured. Also, don't make it too short. This letter will be read a thousand times and memorized. It is all the mother has left of her child. Also, do her a kindness and write her every year. I went through 19 years of absolute hell, not knowing whether my son was alive or dead. That was cruel and inhumane and no parent should have to go through that. I am glad that you are reaching out to this mother.

[crick]

I think it's great that you have this opportunity to write a letter to her!

I have a letter (well, lots of them really! lol!) that I hope to send one day to my kids' firstmom. I have no idea where she is though, so until that time comes, it sits there in my Word documents waiting to be printed out.

Much like Heike's letter, I talk about the kids, what they are doing and how they are like. I didn't talk too much about me or dh other than saying how much we love them and know how blessed we are to be their parents.

I asked about their births in addition to the medical background. While some think that might be too emotionally hard to ask, it's something that most kids have questions about. "tell me about the day I was born..." which of course, I cannot answer for them.

While we adopted from foster care, the closed element is similar and I hope to have the opportunity one day to send this letter.

[Lo-la-la]

Marina72, this is a wonderful opportunity! It is a very hard letter to write, just let your heart speak. I also struggled with what to say. I was given some example letters from my searcher, which helped a lot. I wish you all the best in writing one of the most important letters a person can write.

Heike, that was a very beautiful letter. Initially, I didn't know what to say . . . here's the letter that I wrote:

Hello. My name is Lola, and I am the adoptive mother of your biological daughter, Olya. I want to assure you that she is loved very much.

First of all, I want to thank you for providing life for my child. She is so cherished and so loved. I can’t imagine my life without her. I realize that this letter probably comes as a shock to you. I want to assure you that I do not want to cause you any undue pain. My intent is to provide some background for my daughter so that she can have her complete life story, and also to let you know that Olya is happy, healthy and loved.

As you are aware, Olya turned three years old this past January. I met her at 13 months of age and adopted her at 18 months of age. Olga is her name on the Russian birth certificate, and in the orphanage she was called Olya. I choose to keep that name because it is such a beautiful name. She is a wonderful little girl and brings so much joy to everyone around her.

Olya is a very happy little girl. She is so pretty, and has a charming personality. You would be very proud of her. She currently attends preschool and recently took a dancing class, which she enjoyed very much. She is very energetic and full of life. She constantly has a smile on her face and lights up a room. She is a very loving child and displays a nurturing character towards others. I think she will be a loving, compassionate person as she gets older. She loves animals, especially dogs, cats, horses and frogs! She loves singing and dancing, and she also loves reading books, and playing with her baby doll “Jenny”. Her favorite color is pink, and she LOVES ice cream!

To give you some background on me, I am single, I work as a secretary for a law firm, I live in a modest, but very comfortable home and can adequately provide for Olya. I want to assure you that Olya will have every opportunity available. I have tried to expose Olya to a wide variety of activities including swimming, the zoo, the amusement park, museums, and attending birthday parties for her friends. I even took a family vacation this year to Chicago, Illinois where my sister lives.

I love Olya so much, and as hard as it is to write this letter, I want her to have a full picture of her life - not only her time spent with me. I want Olya to understand her Russian heritage and be proud of it. I am hoping that you could help me with this if you so choose. Although she is too young to understand now, I talk to Olya all the time about being adopted and that she was born in Russia. As she gets older and starts to ask questions about her adoption, I want to give her as much information as I possibly can. Is there something that you would like me to share with her when the time comes to discuss this topic? If so, please tell me and I would be happy to share it with her. I respect any decision you make, as I understand this must bring back very painful memories.

I wish you peace and happiness.

Love, Lola

[Lo-la-la]

Isabo, I would like to share my feelings about the following:

Originally Posted by Isabo

One thing I noticed that would have bothered me. It was not until reunion that I ever heard myself referred to as a "birthmother". I was my son's mother and he also had another mother. I had not lost my child because of anything that I did or because I was a bad mother, I lost him because society thought I was too young (17) and my parents bought into that. I had not realize that the adoption community was so vested in using titles that minimized my place in my child's life, and this has been a very sad lesson to learn. I do not know how Russians handle this or what titles they use, but I think you should just refer to them as her mother and father. The reference to "the birthfather" was very jarring and offputting to read. This man is "her father" not "the birthfather." I am sure you do not want to cause them pain with your letter.

I do want to say this first - there is no right or wrong answer, or right or wrong way, to feel about this subject. These are my feelings - they are not right for everybody - thay are not wrong for everybody - they are my feelings, which makes it right for ME.

When I was young and unmarried, I gave birth to a son and made the extremely difficult decision, very early in my pregnancy, to relinquish my baby for adoption. That was the hardest thing I have ever done. It's something that can't be described, really. There are no words to express the pain and guilt of my decision, even though I felt it was the best and right thing to do. I remember thinking that I was young, I would have other children someday. My son, Jonathan, was stillborn - so instead of signing my rights away, I signed a death certificate. This is where I cannot identify with women who have given birth to children that are being raised in another family. I only know how I felt when I was carrying Jonathan, and even then it was excrutiating. I worried so much about who would adopt him, would they love him like I loved him, would he be happy, would he be safe - would he hate me for my decision. Even after he was born and and after his funeral, I found myself looking at other little boys that would be about his age and thinking ". . . if Jonathan were alive, he might look like that little boy." On his eighteenth birthday, I remember thinking ". . . if Jonathan were alive, he might have tried to find me now, since he's 18 - I would have loved that." I remember feeling a sense of loss that because he hadn't lived, I would not get that chance to meet him and see what kind of person he had grown up to be. It was bittersweet - I knew that I had been spared a life of grief wondering where he was, if he was safe and loved - I knew where he was, he was in Heaven, in the place where there is perfect peace and love. Sorry if I'm rambling - it's hard to describe what I felt, and still feel at times . . .

Later in my life, I had a marriage that ended in divorce - we had no children. I remember thinking that I would remarry and have children. That never happened. Time passed and then one day I was 44 years old. One magical day in April of 2003, God put it on my heart to adopt. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would adopt - not because I was against it, but I just always thought that I would have my own biological child.

My reasons for deciding to contact Olya's birth family were this: 1) I wanted Olya to have information about her family in Russia and 2) so that her family would know that Olya was save, loved, happy and healthy, if they wanted to know that - and they did want to know. I know that part of my decision was driven by my own experience of choosing adoption for my child (even though it didn't happen that way). I would have wanted to know about my son.

After positive contact was made with Olya's birth family, I was very surprised at how I felt about what to call them. I'm 100% positive it related to how I felt about my personal experience. Even though I was going to allow another family to adopt my son, I was still his mother - I gave birth to him. Initially I referred to them as her mother and father - because they are, biologically, they are her mother and father. I did feel like I was taking something away from them by referring to them as Olya's birth mother, birth father, or birth family. However, I was only referring to them in that way in talking with the few people I decided to share the information with. I found myself in conflict when deciding how I would talk to Olya about them. I was her mother - I had adopted her and I was her mother (emphasis added only to convey what I was feeling, not to make a point to anyone who is reading this.) I did want to share age-appropriate information with Olya, so I consulted with an adoption counselor and read a couple of books about it. Their suggestion is to refer to Olya's family as birth mother, birth father, and birth family, as a means of distinguishing between myself and her Russian family. For a young child, it could be confusing to say to Olya that she has two mothers. I thought a lot about that, and although it took some soul searching, I agree with their viewpoint and have come to terms with it. It's not about me - it's about Olya and how I can make this as easy as possible for her as she learns about what it means to be adopted. Now I am comfortable with my decision to refer to them in that way. So, when Olya and I talk about her Russian mother, we call her by her first name as well as refer to her as her birth mother. In doing that, I in no way take away or minimize her place in Olya's life. In choosing to sometimes refer to her as the birth mother, I also choose to feel the utmost respect and admiration for her. At first, I did think I was minimizing her. However, now I believe that I can say birth mother, only as a means of distinction - not putting her behind me, but beside me - while showing the highest regard for the position she holds in Olya's life.

I also like firstmom, that crick used in her post . . .

This is what I feel now - feelings are subject to change . . .

[Isabo]

Lola,

Thank you for your very kind, thoughtful post. I understand what you are saying and the reasons for it.

My comments were directed towards calling the first parents "birthparents" in a letter sent to THEM. There is no issue about confusing the child, because the letter is not to the child. By the time the child might get to read a copy of that letter, she will be old enough to understand and not be confused by respectful terminology used with the first parents.

I really do appreciate that you sought help in determining how to talk to your child about her adoption. My issue is that the adoption community as a whole has "adopted" language that minimizes the role of first parents. Therefore, books that you have read and advice from "adoption professionals" will reflect that language. As a mother of my child, I believe that we mothers should be able to choose titles that refer to us and our role in our child's life respectfully, rather than having our titles chosen by those who have agendas which seek to minimize us.

My point was that, in writing to a mother and father who has lost their child forever, that insult not be added to injury by refering to them by titles that are not of their choosing and that will very likely be hurtful to them.

Respectfully,

[Lo-la-la]

Isabo, thanks for the clarification.

I have found that in my correspondence with Olya's Russian family, I want so bad to have the right words to say to them. It's HARD . . . so hard . . . I realize that something I might say with no intention at all of offending them, just might be offensive. There is more than one line that I fear crossing . . . one line is the fact that they are Olya's family and even though they relinquished her, they still love her very much and think about her (how painful that must be for them), and the second is the line of cultural differences. Oh my goodness, the headaches I have had just trying to find the right words. So far, it's been good - thank God.

There will always be a wide range of emotions on this. I can't say that I believe the adoption community as a whole has "adopted" language that minimizes the role of first parents. I do believe there will be some people, adoption professionals included, who choose terms that minimize first parents. It's better for me to focus on the people whose language is not intended to minimize.

I appreciate your input. It helps when all people involved can give their feelings about this. Thanks for sharing.

Edited to add: I know that some, not all, professionals give suggestions based on their experience with counseling adoptees. The counselor I spoke with gave me advice based not just on her opinion, but also on her talks with children who are adopted. Of course, there will always be mixed feelings about this, so what might work for one family, might not work for another.

[shellyah]

I am so happy to hear that you will take the opportunity to write to your child's birthmother.

It has been such a wonderful experience for us.

I don't feel comfortable posting my letter but I wrote about my son, his likes, dislikes, I sent a picture of all of us and one of just him. I was given a video that showed her viewing the photos and her reaction.

It was very emotional. She too was "abusive and neglectful". I believe her heart was opened back up and then began to heal.

For me, it was such a relief to let her know how much I loved my son and that he was healthy and safe.

I also asked for and rec'd photos of family members and background info. Whatever information you get is more that your child will KNOW and not have to imagine.

[erickk]

When we decided to search for the birth families for our sons we wrote letters to both of their birth mothers and also sent pictures of our sons as they are now--both alone and with us. They are fairly lengthy but contained information about our families and our children. We also told them both we realized how difficult the decision was to place their child for adoption and that our children will know as much about their birth families as they are willing to share-but that we would tell them these things at times that we thought are appropriate for their age. We also let them know that we encourage them to maintain their Russian heritage (and for our older son that he wants to start taking Russian lessons) and that they were accepted completely and with endless love by our families. Both were initially difficult to write--how to write a letter to someone so connected to your family who you have never me--but we are fortunate because the search for both our son's birth families were successful and it was the letters that opened the doors to allow the searchers to ask questions. We were also blessed that one of our son's birth aunt and uncle (who have 2 children) gave the searchers a book full of pictures of themselves--something we know our son will cherish.

[Chris3148]

Beautiful letters ladies, hard to write but they turned out wonderful.

Is there anyone else that can share their experience about writing a dear birthmom letter when they know their child was abused/neglected/had rights taken away?

I want to someday, search for my girls birth family, their beginning of life story as I know it from court documents will be the HARDEST story I will ever have to tell...I am hoping that before I have to answer those heartbreaking questions that I might be able to make contact and have some "less heart breaking" things to share, along with the painful parts. Thanks.