[JillJam]

Hi Everyone

I am new to the forum, but have been reading for quite some time. I think I need some some of your all's wise advice.

My hubby and I are older (late 40s) and adopted our Russian son two years ago. He is a delightful three year old now.

A year ago our family moved 1000 miles (Midwest to Arizona), my hubby is too busy at work, money is real tight, we live in boring subdivision and am beginning to wonder who I am.

While my son is the light of my life, I am starting to think about all the great connections and life I had with my first husband!

Am I alone? Help. Thanks for listening. Jill

[lovestruck]

Hi,

I know I have struggled with some of these issues throughout the years at various times.

Regarding you husband, try to have a date night at least once a month (weekly would be better but no less than monthly)! Plan it and stick to it. If you don't have a sitter you feel comfortable with or the money is too tight, put your munchkin to bed and start the date then. Having time to reconnect with your spouse is truly critical!

Look on the internet for a MOPS group or some other type of play group. Getting connected with other moms is the only way I have survived being a SAHM.

I'm sure others will chime in with other suggestions, but the two things I mentioned above have been huge life savers for my marriage and every day sanity.

[JillJam]

Hi lovestruck

Your ideas for a date night are good ones. I guess what I didn't mention is that my son's hair color and skin tone are so much like my ex-husband's. Everytime I look at my beautiful son, I am taken back to an earlier time in my life. I often think my ex would make a better father and husband. Sigh...........Jill

[kretzklan]

I'm sorry you are not in a great place right now. The issues you raise sound very important and I'm wondering if you've thought about therapy. I think that could help you find the wonderful things about the life you have now. We often idealize things from our past - but there had to be many reasons why you are no longer with your first husband, correct? I'm sure that those issues are still there. You wouldn't have your son if that relationship hadn't ended...
please take care of yourself and reach out for help. I agree you should find outlets (healthy ones) playgroups or perhaps alumni groups from your college or something - that is how I meet many people when we move (which we've done alot). Find friends and create a life filled with joy for yourself and then include your husband in it.

[JillJam]

Hi kretzklan

I have been thinking about therapy. It is what I did 20 year ago. My ex and I married young, and while we had a fully loving relationship, I started feeling trapped. There were things I wanted to pursue as a single woman - so we divorced.

Years later I am back as a wife, living in the suburbs and all those trapped feelings from my first marriage are coming back. Before the adoption, I never had any thoughts like this.

When we first saw our son in the Russian orphanage, it was amazing how red his hair was. Much different than the photo and so much like my ex-husband's. It took so much effort and time to get the referral, that I didn't mention my concerns to my husband or risk not completing the adoption. I wanted to be a Mommy so bad.

When ever anyone comments on where did my son get his red hair (since neither my husband or I do), I almost blurt out - my ex-husband! But I don't.

I hope this all passes. Oh well..... Jill

[LilyMoon]

You could begin by joining some local support groups...is there a FRUA chapter near you? You can find out by going to Families for Russian and Ukrainian Adoption
Does your child go to a pre-school? If so, get involved with making playdates or volunteering at the school and getting to know some of the other families.
It is hard getting involved in a new place and starting over again, but having young children helps. I have met lots of people through my children.
If you have a local Y, you could take classes, join a gym, see if you have a community center, join a local religious center such as a church or synagogue depending on your faith. There are lots of ways to get involved in your community and help others. Local volunteer organizations are good too.

Think of this as a challenging adventure. Give yourself a pat on the back for every step forward you take no matter how small. I'll bet, in time, you will find your place in AZ. My father lives there and loves it.

[JillJam]

Hi LillyMoon
I love your idea about getting back to my religious roots and talking to a minister. I was raised Lutheran and it has been a while since I attended church. But getting in touch with a minister for counseling might be good.

I feel so trapped. Am contemplating contacting my ex. My husband is so occupied these days, and I don't think he would understand my issues. My ex was a good listener and it would be a way to break the news to him that I have a child. We were trying to conceived when we split up years ago.

Maybe I will go to church tomorrow. Thanks. Jill

[BrandyHagz]

Jill,

I don’t intend to be presumptuous – but I note that no one has mentioned this, so I want to.

First and foremost, there is a reason he is your ex-husband. Regardless of how you’re feeling neglected now by your current husband, your ex-husband and you obviously decided that the relationship either wasn’t what you wanted or that you couldn’t work something out, to the point that you opted to file for and complete divorce proceedings.

Having said that, what is different now? Why do you feel like, now, things would work – so much so, that it sounds like you’d be willing to do damage to this marriage?

If you and your husband are having issues of communication, lack of intimacy or just overall marriage blahs – you guys need to work that out. You need to sit your husband down and you guys need to talk. If he is out of the home so much that you feel lonely, then you should tell him that! If things are not going as you hoped they would, tell him that. But, don’t romanticize an already failed marriage (with your ex-husband) and compare it now to your current marriage – it will never add up!

Religion and counseling (both or not) should help – but do things for yourself too – if you’re lonely, find a hobby or get out and meet some friends!

[JillJam]

Hi Brandy
Thanks for your thoughts. I guess there are two differences now. First, my son with his red hair looks so much like my ex-husband. Everytime I look at my darling little boy, I think of my ex.

Second, I possibly think my ex is my soulmate. We met in college 30 years ago, got married young and basically grew up together. I went from being in my father's house to my husbands house. After 10 years of marriage and while trying to conceive, I decided I wanted to experience life as a single woman. I did that and during the process learned how special that relationsjp was.

After so many years, I could not go back to my ex and I met my current hubby. Everything was fine until we adopted our litle red haired Russian son. It is bringing up lots of emotions.

I am so confused. But thanks for listening. Jill

[Amysue1112]

Hi Jill,
FIrst of all, thank you for sharing with us..there are a lot of us here who have gone through all sorts of trials, so you are definitely NOT the only one.
My ex..we had, well, a VERY strong chemistry...and even though it would have NEVER worked (he never stuck around too long) I will never forget the excitement we had...we always said we were "soulmates"...but finally I realized if we truly were, then WE WOULD BE TOGETHER.
My dh is a wonderful man....not the excitement I had with the other guy, but the stability and security and "safe" love...it is worth more.
When we adopted our dd, she had those big brown eyes, just like my ex-boyfriend...at moments, when I sat home trying to figure out how to be a mom, U would think "is this what our child would have looked like?". We all daydream about the past, exciting times, emotional times..special times. Does that mean that if we were back there would we be happy? Probably not. I believe there is a reason for everything..and a reason why you and your ex DID NOT work and and you are now married to your current husband. I think counseling would be great...maybe even some antidepressants or anxiety meds to help with the anxiety of feeling "trapped". I think everyone has been there at one time or another. If you don't want to see a doctor just yet, there are many herbal supplements out there too...like St. Johns Wort that can help.

Here are some points to ponder...
1) You felt this way with your ex too...so I don't think it is so much about either you dh or your ex, but an issue within YOU..that is what you need to focus on. (of course it does not hurt to try to improve your relationship with your dh with counselling or sharing..)
2) In your late 40s...hmmm...that could be a mid-life crisis thing..I mean, often (but of course not always) this is an age where kiddos are off to school or college and starting a new life...your situation is a little different...and even if you love your son and being a mom, that could be causing a little internal confusion/friction. Counseling could help this, mommy's groups, support groups..reading self-help books...all sorts of ideas on that. And GET OUT...even in a boring town there are often booktime or music classes at the local library (and ususally free)
3) Remember, if you put your own feelings aside...YOUR HUSBAND is your son's father. It does not matter who he looks like...he does not know your ex (sounds like it anyway)...he knows his DADDY and you have to consider the impact it would have on him if you make a rash decision, introduce the ex back in your life, leave your husband or any of these things. And remember, this was the man you chose to have a child with..he obviously has enough good qualities that you thought he would be a good father. Maybe he is not all you thought he would be, but maybe he just doesn't realize you are unhappy. Sounds like he works a lot...often that IS the way a man shows love...tell him how you are feeling (I would focus on the 2 of you though and NOT your ex).
You had your time where you could leave and it only impacted adults..now things are different...if you act on your emotions without weighing the consequences, you may not only regret your decision but you can also really impact your child in a negative way.
Now of course, only you know what is best for you, your son, your marriage and your life. I just know from my own experience that sometimes decisions made in weak moments, depressed moments, scared moments or confusing moments often are not good decisions.

If you really are not happy, can't work out your marriage, don't want to live there anymore, get some help getting yourself together before you do anything. You have to be strong for your son.

Good luck to you...I hope you can work through this and make the right decision that is best for all of you.

BTW..for me....I LOVE my sweet daugher, but there are times I feel trapped too..those moments where I realize NOTHING is for me anymore..NO decisions are based on what I want but what is best for our daughter..THAT is scary..but those are passing feelings...I know it feels horrible to feel "trapped" and feels like it will never end...but there are ways to work through it besides making a drastic life change...weigh all your options and make sure you have done all you can to make it right BEFORE you make a move.

OH yes, and another point to ponder...IF you and your ex were soulmates...and you adopted..would it have been at the same time in life? If not, then you would have not had your son, and it sounds like he was MEANT to be your child. So even if it LOOKS like fromt he outside things are all mixed up...lean on your faith. God has it all planned out...the devil is real good at mixing up our emotions, having us question or decisions and basically taking our JOY away. If you feel drawn, go back to church..to your roots. Maybe you will find peace that you are EXACTLY where God wants you to be and where you are MEANT to be.

Sorry if this sounds harsh and unsympathetic...I don't mean it to be...but I suppsse I just felt like this would help you re-focus a bit..and look at things from a different angle. I really am only trying to help.

[jkkclinton]

And calling your ex should not be an option!! You have issues with this husband...talk to him about it. It's nobody else's business!!

[lovestruck]

While I did not read first husband the first time I read your thread I still recommend my advice. You need to try to reconnect with your current husband and get out and about and meet some other mom's to befriend.

Sometimes when someone is feeling feeling neglected by a husbands it's is not uncommon to think of better times. Women also have a way of remembering all the good and very little of the bad when it comes to past relationships and only focusing on the bad/negative with current relationships.

I am sorry you are going through this personal struggle and hope that somehow you will be able to reconnect with your husband and yourself.

[karenmarq]

Hi, Jilljam,

You've gotten alot of good advice and some very interesting personal stories, but I felt compelled to write.

I, too, was married young to a red haired guy and my new daughter has reddish hair.

I, too, felt that trapped feeling in my first marriage. There was even a song out at the time by Bruce Springsteen called "Trapped." It is totally not a good feeling.

I, too, have moved to a new area. Money is tight. My very loving and romantic husband is now pretty tired from the commute and attention to earning the majority of the money. The suburbs are not so exciting.

But, I guess what I learned in my in between single years (13 to be exact) is that I am responsible for "who I am" and keeping myself intellectually and socially interesting. I get out for coffee and a pastry twice a week to be around people. I, too, am getting back to the Lutheran church. I go to the gym. And I am working on my income producing activities. Over the holidays I got to a couple museums in the city.

I am still working on the babysitting/ date night thing and finding friends, but with some attention they will come, too.

Your little boy with the red hair has some bio parents somewhere probably with at least one with red hair. Perhaps keeping them in mind might help you to focus more on the present.

Best of luck to you with all those feelings and emotions. You'll figure it out!

Karen

[calikismet]

Amen to AmySue's post to you... I think she truly hit the nail on the head with the focus, problems, etc. Given your statement of facts, I, too, can't help but believe that the problem is with you -- not necessarily w/your current or ex husband. Yes, your current husband may have issues that are contributing to your feelings, but if you have felt antsy in both marriages, then I would recommend figuring out why you see the grass always greener on the other side of the fence. We tend to romanticize the fantasy of what life would be like in another place, with another person, etc... I think you are romanticizing what a life with your prior husband would be like. And that is unfair to your current husband. I also agree that calling your ex is the worst thing you can do.. this is a private problem within your family.

I, too, agree that you need to consider your son now as well. This little boy has lost so much in life, and you and your current husband owe it to him to provide him with the most stable home and life possible. Think about that before you do anything rash.

[kelceesmom]

JillJam,
I understand your feelings as I have been there at times. I agree with others that you first need to explore all these feelings with your current husband. How is a marriage to work if you shut down. Unless that is what you are trying do? Your husband deserves more respect than that.

Is your first husband remarried? If he is in another relationship why would you possibly jeopardize that one for him. It takes a long time for some people to put their feelings in proper compartments so to speak. I don't think it would be fare to your ex to possibly put this burden on him.

I hope you find the answers you are looking for. You mentioned that you are willing to speak to a pastor I highly recommend it. Good luck.

I