[scb]

Hi All,

Just wanted to get your perspective on this. My wonderful in-laws who I adore gave us the best news last night. They have offered to come with us to Russia when we pick up our children (we are planning on adopting 2). As far as getting along, there are no problems there, my MIL has been like a second mom to me after the death of my Mom last year and my FIL is a direct clone of my Dad...My only concern is the attachment issue...How do they help out when only the parents are supposed to hold and feed the children? I am just scared it could make for a stressful situation when they try to help and can't..Please do not think I am being selfish, I am just scared about the attachment phase with our children...Am I just being paranoid?? I hope so...

[SingleMama2B]

Hi Susan.... though I adopted my DD when she was 8.3 years old, and did the travel by myself..... I don't have the direct experience you are seeking. BUT, from everything I have read, it may be an issue. Is there a particular reason that you want them to come with you and your husband? I can tell you, if I where adopting 2 infants/toddlers as a single Mother, I would probably want a family member to travel with, but with both you and your husband, you can handle the transition.

I don't know if I would attempt this with 4 adults or not. I am sure that there are others here that will offer sound advise, and congrats on your Journey of the Heart!!!

Blessings...................

[proudmommyof 2]

That was a really nice offer on the part of your in-laws! Truly, truly, it was!

From an attachment standpoint, though, I don't think you're being paranoid. Remember that your children may have no concept of "mother" and "father". That time in Russia, while stressful, is such an incredible bonding time, and a time for your children to start to understand that YOU are their rock, their protection, their family. Grandparents are for spoiling, and they can do that when you return.

Just my opinion, but I'd ask them to get the house ready and food in the fridge for when you return...

[stephw3boys]

What are the ages of the children? when are you going? I think you can minimize the kids going to grandparents (if you talk to them before ) and still put them to good use. They can go out to get food - help carry luggage - be emotionally supportive - etc. Take care of laundry (if you are there a long time, etc)... ANd , IMO, a little exposure to people who will be in their lives is not a bad thing - but just a little!!

[Dana1]

I travelled with my mom for the pickup trip since my husband stayed home with our daughter. My son did prefer my mom and wanted her over me the whole time we were in Russia. I think it was because his caregivers were older. However, it would have been so hard to do the trip alone without her help. I changed all the diapers and went to him if he cried out in the night. I carried him everywhere we went but he still prefered her and would cry until she picked him up. Once we got home and it was just the family and grandma went back to her house he very easily bonded with us and prefers us over grandma now. Everything on our pickup trip was constantly on the go so Grandma was a tremendous help to me and I would take her again in a heartbeat.. Our son was 13 months old at pickup.

[2Bulgarianbeauties]

As mw SW would say:

You take care of the kids, the grandparents take care of you.

It actually could be very helpful to have them there with the luggage, running to the store, any other types of issues. BUT, they really have to understand, that you take care of the children.

Good luck!

Kay

[KimOH]

I am sure I'm going to be in the minority here, but... My mother traveled with us both times.

On our first adoption, the agency asked if any other family members were coming (I thought it was a common thing at the time) and I mentioned it to my mom and she was so excited. While we were there my DH and I still did most of the baby-care, like feeding and diaper changing, but she "loved on him," too. My mom was great -- she warmed bottles and washed dishes and picked up toys and told me that DS was, without a doubt, the most wonderful baby in the entire world. She has a very special bond with DS to this day (over 5 years later).

On our second adoption, my DH came home to be with our son while I waited out the 10 days. After DH got home (she'd been watching DS while we were gone), she flew to Moscow to wait with me. I still did most of the baby-stuff, but she carried her and played with her and helped me out in general, etc.

The in-laws of the other family we traveled with also came along. However, they were definitely there to fulfill a lifelong dream to visit Moscow. They went sightseeing nearly every day and spent very little time with their new granddaughter. What are your in-laws expecting from the trip?

In my opinion, things are so out of the ordinary while you're in Russia that it hardly even counts as "real life." Attachment is a process and I don't think those few days will make or break it for you.

(I will also say that we are very close with my family -- and see them at least weekly, often more. I definitely did not put my children in situations where they would be passed around when we got home, but we also didn't eliminate visits from close family either. These were my choices -- and they worked well for us -- but my children had/have no lingering attachment issues. You need to do what is comfortable for you.)

But, I guess the long and short of it is -- I personally don't think there would be a problem with your in-laws going as long as you're all on the same page about expectations.

[cindyc]

For what it's worth, I would take the in-laws in a heartbeat. Adopting two children at the same time is a BIG deal (I've done it). I can honestly say that we couldn't have adopted my older two kids at the same time without my mother practically moving in with us.

As far as attachment goes, I think it's a positive thing to let the kids get to know the grandparents early, and yes, you WILL need help with luggage, going to the bathroom, the flight home, etc., etc.

Best wishes,
CindyC

[scb]

You all again are a tremendous help...I plan on getting some info on "attachment" for my family so they are prepared. I know they are doing this just to help us out, they are the most giving people ever, but will need to set some expectations...Thank you to you all for the advice!!!

[LouLouBelle]

My mom traveled with us on trip 2. She stayed in Moscow while we went to region (night train to region, there one day and back on the train that night...so very quick). My mom was very considerate of not interfering with us caring for our daughter. It was wonderful to be able to share the experience with her.

If you have concerns, I would recommend voicing them prior to travel. It sounds as though you are close and they will most likely understand your reasons.

[kizibits]

My mother went with me on trip two to pick up my daughter (then 12 mos. old.) and I haven't regretted it at all. Once we returned home I was fortunate enough to be able to take three months paid leave which definitely helped with the attachment situation, but since returning to work my mother has also been my day care. We haven't had any attachment issues at all--Alivia obviously is more attached to me, but also obviously loves her grandmother and her grandfather. She's just started (at 18 months) the tears when I drop her off at grandma's house, but is easily coaxed out of them after I leave, and she's excited every time I arrive to pick her up at the end of the day, too. I think a lot of it has to do with the closeness between me and my parents. Even before the adoption we spent time together every week. I think Alivia recognizes that loving bond and enjoys her new place in it. I wouldn't hesitate to have my parents (or even my aunts or brothers) accompany me again when I go back for another child. It's just the way my extended family works.

Jeana

[mschweber]

As long as they understand that they can not be the doting grandparents immediately and can be counted to act on that I think it will be great to have them along.

It is so hectic and there is so much to do that extra sets of hands will be very usefull and the moral support will be wonderful.

[MissDaisyofTexas]

I'm just curious, for those of you who have had 3 adults in your group, logistically did it work out ok with space in the car? And hotel rooms? Does the translater need a bigger car, do you all fit in the back seat with your child, did you get 2 separate hotel rooms? Just curious! We are thinking of inviting our MIL.

Thanks!

Daisy

[KimOH]

Originally Posted by MissDaisyofTexas

I'm just curious, for those of you who have had 3 adults in your group, logistically did it work out ok with space in the car? And hotel rooms? Does the translater need a bigger car, do you all fit in the back seat with your child, did you get 2 separate hotel rooms? Just curious!

We were able to fit three (plus baby, translator and driver) in our car...Luggage is the biggest issue. We traveled *very* light. One of the families who traveled with us had to get two cars -- but it was because all of their luggage wouldn't fit, not because of the extra passengers.

We ended up getting two hotel rooms (on the first adoption when DH and mom were both there). Neither of our hotels (region or Moscow) offered adjoining rooms, but Mom was able to get the room next to ours. For our second adoption, DH went home before Mom arrived, so we shared one room.

[lovestruck]

Regarding Miss Daisy's comment about the space,

We are taking our two boys to kaz. We had invited my mom to go and help out with the boys while we were at the orphanage. Then we remembered the small cars in Russia when we were there. You can fit three adults in the back and one in the front if there is only a driver. If you have a translator and driver you will not be able to fit four adults, comfortably at least. If you are okay squeezing in for brief periods of time it could be done, after all they don't wear seat belts there.

We made the decision for my mom to come after my hubby and my older son leave that way space will not be an issue.

In Moscow we only had a driver who was also our translator, in the region we had a driver and translator. When you find out where you are going you can talk to your agency and find out how it works there.

My mother is coming to help me come home with our daughter from Kaz. She is dying to see our child's country. But I did make it clear, just like I did when she came for our sons births, you are there to help me and I am there for the child (in much nicer and softer terms of course).