[calikismet]

Hi all -- in response to Christina's post in the thread about EE kids and school, I thought I'd ask a question.

I got a referral from our ped to have our son evaluated by the OT for possible sensory issues (primarily related to food and mouth issues). When I told DH that I had done this, he got somewhat testy, and said that I was "looking for problems when none existed." He said that he thought DS was simply a typically picky 4 year old, and that therapies would simply make him feel different, etc. I told DH that I understood his feelings, but that I was going to proceed anyway with the evaluation. I think I am hopeful that DH will get on board if the eval comes back as DS needing some therapy, but I am also suspicious that DH will feel that any kid can be evaluated into therapy.

I have spoken with one of my best girlfriends about this, and she feels that men just have issues with accepting that their children -- and especially their sons -- may need additional help. That it is a denial thing. I agree with this 100%. However, knowing WHY Dh acts like this is not going to help (can I just bonk him over the head instead?? -- kidding, of course).

So, any advice? Guidance? Thoughts about men and their kiddos??

As an aside, DH is an otherwise great dad.. a super caretaker, attentive, affectionate, etc.

[proudmommyof 2]

I go back and forth with this with my dh, and now he seems to be on board for good (I hope).

Ask him what the eval would hurt. If your ds doesn't qualify, he won't get services. And if he does, you can discuss the findings and decide from there. Maybe the eval. won't be as scary as therapy.

Mike, are you going to weigh in on this? We don't understand men!

[GCS]

we really got into this conversation yesterday. I think that this is such a new concept for DH that he doesnt know how to process it. The reality is that the services available for our kids today were just not around when we were growing up so this is all new. DH has this mindset that we're labeling our child in our mind and in others by having all these tests run.

I feel like if the results are positive then we gather the resources needed to parent our child better. If they are negative then, well at least we know and we rule it out. Nothing changes, he's still our boy.

I think it would be easier if we were having serious trouble with our boy. But he is doing well in school and his behavior is at the best it has been since we came home. We recently moved and there were no attachment issues resurfacing. He's adjusted very well.

In the end he still shows signs of a child who is tremendously hard playing and very high energy and easily over stimulated. Maybe this is just his personality. I think that now that school is right around the corner for him we should be prepared to do what we need to in order to help him have a good experience. He also had a remarkably hard time emotionally that first year home. We know that he dealt with trauma at an early age.

DH would rather cancel all the appointments I have finally got scheduled and wait until there is a problem and then be reactive. He feels that as long as we believe that the possiblilties for our boy are endless that will be true for him. I don't feel like a dx changes any of that for him. I look at it as more for me in parenting him better.

Christina

[calikismet]

Christina -- are you sure our DHs are not somehow related? Your conversations and thoughts are literally on-point with what has gone on in our house. The main reason, I think, is that DH is doing very well overall - extremely bright, socially very adapted, etc. His eating and food issues really are the only manifestation of any potential problems that may remain. My Dh says that we should deal with it WHEN and IF it comes up; I think that with school right around the corner, we should be proactive. My DH, too, is concerned that our DS is at an age where he can now sense if he is being treated differently... and that those effects will be problematic, esp if there is no problem to begin with. In the end, since I am the one who essentially oversees the kids' days, DS will at least be evaluated.....

[SingleMama2B]

Hi "Cali"..... Though I am a single MaMa..... I had this from "Family Members" like crazy. I told them..."Believe me, I DO NOT want DD to have any issues at all.... BUT, it there are some, "I" need to know them NOW. She has had a HORRID first 8 years of her life, and I WANT to give her the BEST possible FUTURE.... SHE deserves this!!!" With that, they held their tongues, and when the diagnosis(es) came, they still did not believe it 100%. With the specialized help, OT & PT, extra help in school, they NOW see it for themselves!!! She went from ALL LOW D's last year, to 2 A's & 2 B's This YEAR (1st marking period). She can now FOCUS, Rollar Skate, almost ride a bike (whereas before, she she would fall with training wheels, read like a champ - albeit slowly, understanding most of the math, as before.... NOT A CLUE). I had to resolve myself.... I am her MaMa, and I NEED to do what is best for HER!!! They do not question me (at least to my face), and have seen the improvements and smile and pride on her face after coming home with 100's on her spelling tests, etc.

I know that it is NOT the same with a husband, but what would testing hurt??? They WILL not recommend therapies or additional services in school, as they COST alot (out of budget)!!! I had to FIGHT ALL LAST YEAR, and DD lost her whole 2nd grade! If anything, they will be the ones that (possibly) say.... nope, services not needed.... this is where you (MIGHT) need to educate yourself, see outside specialist(s), etc. to fight for your child.

Blessings.................

[calikismet]

Originally Posted by SingleMama2B

They WILL not recommend therapies or additional services in school, as they COST alot (out of budget)!!! I had to FIGHT ALL LAST YEAR, and DD lost her whole 2nd grade! If anything, they will be the ones that (possibly) say.... nope, services not needed.... this is where you (MIGHT) need to educate yourself, see outside specialist(s), etc. to fight for your child.Blessings.................

Hi SingleMama... Our son will be evaluated via our normal health care plan, not through the school system. I love, love, love our health provider, and our kids have never needed a thing that they do not get. So I am not concerned about having to fight to get services if our son needs them...I am very thankful for that!!

[Ebadge90]

Lets not all pile up on fathers. I am the proud father of a recently adopted baby boy. I have, and will, do anything I can to make the transition as easy for my family and my son. If an expert, such as a doctor, OT, PT or anybody else that knows more than I do about specific issues, says that we should have our son evaluated, then I will be more than willing to do it.
Why the particular father in this thread is not willing to go through testing would be purely speculation on my part. But lets not jump all over this man without knowing the particulars of this case.

[angelkisses0102]

This is a pretty regular conversation in our house as DH waffles back and forth often with acceptence and non-acceptence of DS's issues. I have found that breaking it down in simple, non-adoption related terms helps him a lot. Like with SID stating that his brain has indigestion. I talked to him about a friend of my niece who has SID...bio, non-preemie, etc kiddo. How getting treatment early has helped him so much...that the window of opportunity is now and that if we wait it may be too late and then he WILL definitely stand out. Plus, for us pointing out the behavior when it happens...instead of talking about afterwards helps. Now that DS is showing signs of improvement...it is much easier with DH.

With my DH, it just takes him time to accept these things. It's funny because he will talk to others about the situation and get then state exactly what I had already talked to him about, as if it were new information...almost like he needs confirmation of what I was saying. I know for my DH it is a defense mechanism. He loves his son, accepts his son, and simply doesn't want there to be anything *wrong* with him. For DS's sake...not for DH's.

I am all for and have convinced DH, that dealing with any issues now is so much easier...on ALL of, as opposed to later when the school system will become involved...especially if the child needs an IEP or any services during school. I have yet to find someone who hasn't struggled with that...and some folks have to fight like SingleMama describes.

Good luck!

[calikismet]

Originally Posted by Ebadge90

Lets not all pile up on fathers. I am the proud father of a recently adopted baby boy. I have, and will, do anything I can to make the transition as easy for my family and my son. If an expert, such as a doctor, OT, PT or anybody else that knows more than I do about specific issues, says that we should have our son evaluated, then I will be more than willing to do it.
Why the particular father in this thread is not willing to go through testing would be purely speculation on my part. But lets not jump all over this man without knowing the particulars of this case.

As I am the OP, I thought I'd respond to Ebadge's post.

It was not a doctor or medical professional who thought our DS should be evaluated. It was me. I have noticed a few things, and have read up on SID/ SPD issues, and have began to wonder out loud if our DS may have these on a minor level. That has been my struggle with DH -- that I was the one to initiate it, not a doctor, etc. He feels that DS's behavior and food issues are normal, I disagree, and sought out possible evaluation.

Believe me -- I'm not ganging up on my wonderful DH. He is an awesome dad, and I have no doubt that he would be 100% on board if he thought there was a problem. He has not yet agreed that there IS a problem, so we have clashed a bit over this.

I am a proactive person in general, Dh is more reactive. We do well together and as a family, but I am definately the one to think and worry ahead, esp as it relates to our kids.

[lakimnafite]

I am going through similar with my DS. We had a conference with his teacher recently, and I reconfirmed my desire to have him tested by OT. While with the teacher, DH said nothing. However, I am getting no support when we are not around the teacher. DH is angry that I suspect a problem. I get the same - you are just looking for something to be wrong. No.. I think it's obvious to someone paying attention.. I don't want anything to be wrong, but I think something IS wrong. I would rather treat now rather than wait until he is flunking out of high school or whatever.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I really do understand and feel your pain. Since I am the one that schedules appointments and takes the kids to doctors, etc., I am going to continue to move forward with the eval and let DH handle it or deal with it as he sees fit.

Best of luck!

[amyfk]

HI calikismet,

I dont have any good advice for you, but want to wish you good luck.

Amy K, NJ