[jroc]

Hey Everyone!

We've been home 3 weeks and I wanted to give you all an update on our sweet Alek(now 17 months). The 1st few days in the hotel in Russia and 1st week at home, he was very clingy to me. He was scared of all these new things and wanted me to hold him constantly. I put him in the hip carrier and that at least gave me two hands to work with. I am happy to report that he is progressing so well! He'll play independently for a while and always checks back with me for reassuarance. He loves, LOVES, loves to cuddle and be kissed and loved on. He only let's mommy or daddy hold him - which is a great feeling.
Alek sleeps wonderfully (always through the night since day 1)...although I have tried to be more intuitive with his tiredness. Sometimes he'll nap mid-morning and some days, I can tell he just isn't tired, so no big deal, he'll just nap for longer in the afternoon. He's the kind of guy that will sleep any where when he is tired, which is nice.

I do have two questions for you all though.

(1) I think I need a better dinner routine. When he gets hungry, he uses his little hand signals for eat. The problem is, dinner takes a bit to make and I don't think he understands that. I try to prep as much as possible ahead of time so there is limited waiting (maybe 10 minutes). I've tried to start to do all this before he is hungry. The thing is, I really want him to learn a little patience. I don't want to start giving him food right away because he gets a little fussy and I want to quiet him. Believe me, the baby is not starving to death and can wait 10 minutes. I can't really have him "help" me because sometimes I am over the stove. I don't want DH to make dinner because I LIKE to do it. We do keep him in the kitchen with us, while me and DH talk, set the table etc... Sometimes a distraction will buy just a few minutes, but not enough. If DH tries to take him out of the kitchen for a longer distraction, he'll melt down and reach out for me. So what to do???? Did anyone experience anything like this? I think it's because I am hustling about and not really paying him attention, thus making him nervous. Help!

(2) How did you transition to time alone with daddy? He enjoys DH and will be affectionate and give kisses to him. I like to have him spend time just one on one and it gives me a little "Mommy Break" every day. Do I need to say 'good-bye', give him a kiss and walk out of the room? We tried this and it upsets him because he realizes I am leaving and will get fussiy. If I just disappear, he's fine, but when I re-enter the room, he get's upset and wants me, almost like he realizes I was gone.

This jsut may be a bit of seperation anxiety going on. I don't want to be too selfish with my breaks and making dinner, but I also want him to have time alone with DH and learn some patience.

Thanks ahead of time for your opinions!

[Ktates]

As for the dinner thing - I think you are right to keep to a schedule - does he get a mid afternoon snack as well? I may give dd a cracker or water or milk to keep her pacified...I think it it still too soon yet to teach him patience...if it continually happens maybe you can move your dinner hour or give him another snack - like two small snacks in the afternoon?

as for your second question - DD wanted nothing to do with DH when we got home but we did give them time one on one together - I didn't say goodbye. There was crying etc..but it got better and better each time. DH would sit in her room with the door closed or take her outside so it was out of sight out of mind with me...

It takes time but sounds like you are off to a good start!!! Congrats again!

[dlhall]

Glad to hear things are going so well. I remember the first few weeks home with Peter and things weren't so ideal, but now almost a year home things are wonderful.

As for the dinner routine. Unfortunately at this age I don't think it's possible to teach patience. When a child is hungry, he is hungry and they don't understand having to wait. I know for my ds he could be perfectly fine one minute but the next minute it's meltdown city! This usually occurs between 5:30 and 6:00pm, and I know it's because he's hungry. What I've started doing is to get dinner as ready as possible during the day--love the crockpot! Also if he's really fussy before dinner is ready, I go ahead and give him a healthy snack (usually fruit); this way if it ruins his dinner (which he's a good eater, so usually not a problem) I know he's at least had something healthy to eat.

Liz

[erickk]

Our son also wanted to be fed NOW. I used to put him in his high chair with a couple of crackers (or those meltable fruit things) and his milk (not too many because I wanted him to be hungry)--that seemed to keep him occupied while I got his meal ready. Patience does not seem to be something 18 month old babies have :-) We are still trying to teach that to our 6 year old!!

The transitioning--we had a major problem with that with our older son--and it was separation anxiety. We just had DH start to spend more time with him doing some of his favorite things. He still prefers Mama over Daddy--but he will do things with Daddy now without a major meltdown. For our younger son--DH is home right now looking for work--so he spends most of his day with him and he prefers Daddy to Mama. I think a lot has to do with who they are with most of the time. Also, that age kids also are starting to need help figuring out that when you leave--you are not gone. Our son is almost 2 years now and it seems that it was about 3 months ago when he was in the phase of not knowing how to get from point A to point B without us holding his hand. I know (in the far reaches of my brain from reading child development books) that this is normal. But, what worked best for us was for DH to do really fun stuff with him away from me (perhaps if going somewhere in the car--our son always thought trucks were fun so he would take him to go look at buildings and trucks and then they would stop off some place fun for a little snack on the way home). Just thoughts--good luck. It is important for Mama to have a little alone time!!!

[Drazil]

Sounds like things are going really well and you are progressing. As far as the dinner thing goes, most PI children are not used to seeing the food being prepared, the baby homes for the most part would prepare behind closed doors so that when the children are brought in the food is ready to be eaten and they get fed, right away. As a general rule with PI kids we should not use food to make a point or teach patience just because it probably was used as such in the baby homes not to mention they probably did not get enough. The suggestion to give him something to hold him over until dinner time is a good one but really do not expect a child so young to conform to your sechedule of eating so soon after coming home. He is still very much in baby home mode for many of his habits and will be for a while (its kind of built in at this point). As far a the transition to you husband it will come, in the childs time. Its way more inportant at this early stage of bonding that he at least establish a strong and secure bond to someone and that someone is probably going to be you. He does not know how any of this family stuff works yet, he has no idea what a mommy is or what a sons role is in the family. This has to taught and that starts with forming a bond with at least one primary caregiver. Work on that because in his little head he expects you to leave at some point like all the rest have his whole life (caregiver turnover in the baby home), this will take a while. You are progressing well but the real (and often hard) work has only just begun.

[beckyww]

At that toddler age - forget. it When our older girls were little, they would literally cry and hang onto me as I tried to fix a quick dinner. One time I dragged our Hannah, about 18 months, completely around our kitchen as she clung to my leg and cried as though she were starving. Hardly! Just do the best you can - no guilt on this one.

Becky
The Woodworth Family in Beautiful San Antonio TX

[LilyMoon]

I agree with not making him wait while you prepare dinner. Now, home only 3 weeks is not the time to teach him patience. He needs to feel much more secure in his relationship with you and that food is plentiful and is always available to him right now. I suggest giving him something to eat while you are preparing dinner and keep food available at all times. Of course, healthy foods like fruits and veggies are best.

I also would not force the relationship between your son and dh for now. Do what is comfortable for your son. If playing all together is comfortable for him, then begin with that. It will most likely take time for their relationship to grow. Many orphanage kids are not used to men and feel a bit uncomfortable with them for a while. I know it is taxing to be the parent all the time, but I think it is important that your son see that you are meeting his needs right now. As time passes and he becomes more confident in his knowing that you will be there for him and not leave him or abandon him, things will change. For now, that is a real possibility in his world and he sounds like he has some fear in that area as well as the food issue. These fears are based in reality for these children who have gone hungry and have been abandoned. It takes a great deal if patience, attachment parenting and time for these issues to work themselves out.

Good luck and enjoy your new little guy!

[emjay]

On the dinner thing, I agree about giving a small snack in his high chair as you prepare dinner. DS screamed bloody murder if he could see the food being prepared, but couldn't eat it yet. Another thing we did was create one lower cupboard just for him with tupperware and metal bowls, pans and wooden spoons. He loved to stack them and play drums, and even sit inside the cupboard to peek out. So dinner prep was noisy in a different way, but he was happy.

[votemom]

he is too little to understand that it's coming in 10 min... he is having physical hunger pangs and is reacting to them.

i would put him in his high chair and maybe sing some songs as you finish dinner and let him munch on something healthy - no treat. maybe raisins, little pieces of apple, a few cheerios - and a sippy cup of water.

you also might have a certain special toy that he only gets during this pre-dinner time and only in the high chair. if it's interesting enough, it might use up 3 or 4 minutes.

you could also use this time for good verbal interaction - repetetive words or counting or rhymes that you just do at this time of day - he can start participating with you as he learns. maybe some clapping games.

depending on his temperment, it may go smoothly or it may be a war zone. but, establishing boundaries and clear expectations is necessary and good. he will soon learn that he can always count on you to provide him with food. and if you stick with the same routine, he'll learn this more quickly.

i would also recommend a regular dinner time if possible. this is easier if you are home full time and if he's on the same schedule thruout the day.

note: there are times when they are going thru growth spurts when they are just more hungry - be sensitive to that as well.

good luck.

[jroc]

Thanks for the great advice all! SO teaching patience is out (can you tell I am a new mommy)

As a side note - I did start preparing dinner 1/2 hour earlier to see if that would stop the fussing. It just seems like when he sees the food, he wants it right away, or he wants mommy to hold him right away. Like Drazil said above, I think it has something to do with the attention being off him.
Oh - also, we've taken him to a salad buffet place near our house. Food right in front of him as moms puts it on his plate and wlaks down the line. No problem there. Perfect manners, no reaching, not a peep. Strange. We've done this twice already and it's at a time when I know he must be hungry.

[tbristow]

We had a BIG problem with Hunter when it came to food. He was absolutely frantic. We just made sure we had something for him like cheese, crackers, etc... He always knew food was there and in the long run it was important that he eat not eat with us. The food issue gradually went away and now he's your typical picky toddler.

[Amysue1112]

HI! I am so happy things are going so well! And only 3 weeks, home, it is FANSTASTIC that these are the main issues you are having...as they are aggravating but not big problems..YAY!

For dinner, I would put him in his highchair or booster or whatever...give him a few toys and a little bowl fo goldfish or something like that. I understand you want to teach him to be patient, and it is frustrating when a child is demanding something...but since you have not been home long I would not try to keep food from him to "teach him" just yet...maybe in a month or two when he sees there is always plentiful food, he will relax more. If it makes him too crazy watching you cook and not be able to have you to hold him or feed him, maybe you could put him in play area for that bit of time..we did this with Hannah although she was much younger when she came home. She learned that this was her time for independent play of a 30 minute Baby Einstein DVD...she didn't like it for the first couple of tiimes but she got better about it every day. I know it is nice to keep them near, but sometimes it is just not safe for them to be right under your feet.

As far as "daddy time"...I wouldn't say BYE but that you will be in the other room for a little while and you will be back soon...I know this age may not understand all of that, but in time they will see that you come back. If you say "BYE" he may think your are leaving for avery long time and may get upset. Even after almost 8 months home, Hannah LOVES booktime at night with daddy, and she asks for him ALL DAY long. But when I come in the room, she wants me. I think it is a "mommy" thing...or a "primary caregiver" thiing. You just have to stay away until you are ready to come back and stay for awhile, b/c once your child sees you that is it. I think it is ok that they fuss a little when you leave. It is an important lesson for them to see that "when mommy leaves she comes back". I know it feels bad to you and to him, but daddy needs this time too.

I found it very hard to "allow" my dh to comfort Hannah..it was my instinct to scoop her up and comfort her when she needed cuddling or comforting..but I realized that this was not good for her or daddy. So sometimes I would let daddy hold her and I would stand near, rub her back etc..she would reach for me for a few times but once she knew I would stand right there with her she snuggled into daddy...which was just great!

SO happy for you!!!

[Schnooks]

Max was the same way and I started telling him every evening when he would start up the whining that "mommy is making the food and I will let you know when it is ready. you need to go play." Of course, I didn't do this 3 weeks after we got home since he was still working on some attachment issues.

It finally sunk in. Maybe just the reassurance that I would tell him when the food was ready? I think he was around 18 months at the time. But I'm sure your little one is still trying to learn English in his little toddler head. It's worth a try. Didn't happen overnight.. but it sure made dinner a lot less stressful for me.

If you want to try the snack thing.. frozen peas are great. Yes.. frozen!

I practice patience all the time with Max. I will be doing something and he will want me to do this or that and I will say just a minute.. as soon as I'm finished. And then tell him thank you for being patient and waiting. I'm sure it depends on the individual child.. personalities, etc.


At 22 months he is a lot more independent and will let me out of his sight maybe 10 minutes at a time.. but they definitely want to be where you are.

[Annabell]

Hi! Congrats on your new bundle!

Patience is just not a toddler attribute, I'm afraid. I feel that it is psychologically more important for him to feel that (a) there will always be enough food and (b) you will always be there to meet his needs.

At 2 years 3 months, our DD was hiding/secreting food, a survival tactic left over from the hospital. (I kept smelling a funny, musty odor in my office and finally discovered her stash of bread crusts and apple slices and baby carrots). It was heartbreaking to know that she still feared starvation. It seemed to us more important that she feel secure about food, so, to that end, we put toddler food out all day and night on every flat surface she could reach. She could cruise and toddle around and always find food at hand. At night, we put her to bed clutching a very stale bagel (stale so she could only lick/suck on it -- non-chokeable).

Needless to say, she frequently was not very hungry at mealtimes, but as all the snacks were healthy (carrots, apple slices, celery sticks, cheerios, raisens, little pieces of ham or chicken or beef, cheese cubes, etc.), we felt that she was getting a good, balanced diet.

Within a couple of weeks or so, the food hoarding stopped. She ate voraciously and constantly for about 2 months (she had been severely malnourished, only 17 pounds, I think, at that age), and put on weight and height at an astonishing clip. Finally, that also tapered off, and we were able to gradually reintroduce her to the dinner table.

We're so happy we did all of this and tamped down our own natural impulse to insist upon family dinners initially. Now, she is a very healthy eater, still loves fresh fruit and veggies, and is extremely secure, with a healthy body image.

(As to the DH issue, give it time -- we had the opposite problem -- DH was the exotic "other", while mommy reminded her of the mean ladies at the orphanage).

Hope this helps!

[lovestruck]

I have not read all of the responses yet so I am sorry if I repeat.

I would put him in the highchair/booster with some cheerios and then talk and/or sing to him as you finish preparing his dinner. Cheerios (or something equivilant) won't fill him up and they will help with his fine motor skills as well.

By the way, I loved the announcement on your other thread!