[Annabell]

Dear Aleea --

Thanks so much for your response. I am desperately struggling to understand this young woman's stance.

Although, to my knowledge, her husband has never been physically violent with her or baby, his entire family regaled her, even before marriage, with tales of his historical temper. (A warning that she failed to pick up on? We don't know).

I appreciate your honesty about how Russian women are often mistreated, and yet respond with utter passivity.

She strikes me as frightened -- frightened that he'll take the baby, frightened that he'll throw her and baby out before her mother gets here in January (although what the mother could do, speaking not one word of English, is beyond me).

If your family has any other advice or insights, I would love to hear them.

[Aleea]

Annabell,
As I said things are slowly changing in Russia but in the Soviet times the attitude has been that if a marriage falls apart it's b/c the wife couldn't keep her husband happy. I don't know your friends personal situation but she's probably scared that he's leaving her. I don't know if it's a cultural thing in her case or a personality issue. In Soviet times it wasn't unheard of for a woman to stand by while the man decided what he would do in the marriage (stay or go). Basically, the attitude has been "hold on to your man" and she may be feeling a lot of shame and fear d/t her marriage falling apart. I wish I could provide more insight but without knowing her background and specific situation I can only give general examples. I don't think there's much you can do other than be there for her.

[Annabell]

Aleea -- Thanks so much for your insight. I do agree that the post-war era may have damaged the very fiber of things.

I'm trying so hard to keep my very kind, very loving, very non-judgemental DH on board, but I feel I'm losing the fight. She's just so darned OBNO (whatever she asks you about, you say X (with reasoning) and she turns around and does Y -- oh, and explains to you that what you say isn't true in Russia, and therefore could not possibly true here).

I'm ready to bash my head against a wall!

[Aleea]

[DoreenG]

RJen...
I am in the process of adopting a boy, aged 5, with (IMHO) significant eye issues.

He's undergone 2 surgeries for this, yet there was never any followup of glasses, so the surgeries were "worthless" (quote from my ped opthalmologist I took a 10 min video to here where I live).

Anyway, I don't think my boy is a favorite, he's very thin...I have personal feelings on what prompted his surgeries, but no facts. Are there "middle of the road" kids that aren't really treated poorly? Or am I deluding myself on this, as my son's eyes are absolutely crossed now, and were very much worse 1 year ago...would he be shamed over this constantly? Or if he was a favorite, would it be overlooked?

[RussianJen]

Originally Posted by DoreenG

RJen...
I am in the process of adopting a boy, aged 5, with (IMHO) significant eye issues.

He's undergone 2 surgeries for this, yet there was never any followup of glasses, so the surgeries were "worthless" (quote from my ped opthalmologist I took a 10 min video to here where I live).

Anyway, I don't think my boy is a favorite, he's very thin...I have personal feelings on what prompted his surgeries, but no facts. Are there "middle of the road" kids that aren't really treated poorly? Or am I deluding myself on this, as my son's eyes are absolutely crossed now, and were very much worse 1 year ago...would he be shamed over this constantly? Or if he was a favorite, would it be overlooked?

Obviously I'm not a doctor, but I have seen several kids with crossed eyes/weak vision in Russia - corrective surgery has rarely helped. I say this not only in regards to kids in an orphanage - one of my English students also had to have corrective surgery on her eyes; however it didn't help like it was supposed to. They said it was because their equipment was faulty at the hospital...??? Anyway, I talked this issue over with a doctor of mine here in the states when I was back last year, and he was pretty confident that with treatment here in the states most problems could be corrected/helped.

It's hard to say whether he'd be 'shamed' for this or not. To be honest, this is one of the things that has shocked me - one of our girls is cross-eyed, and though she's been in our orphanage since first grade (she's now in 8th), and I've been there for 3 years, I've never heard anyone make fun of her or even bring it up.
Another girl has very weak vision - they seem more accomadating than shaming to her.

Actually now that I think about it, it's really interesting. Most kids aren't shamed for their physical disabilities - one of our boys has a club foot, but nobody ever even brings it up. Over half of our kids have scoliosis; several have it very severely, but the teachers and caretakers don't point it out, nor do they ever make fun of them.

As I think about it - mostly kids are shamed for their mental abilities or disabilities, their behavior, their scholastic ability, or their performance in a specific area.

As for him being 'really skinny' - when they're old enough to run around and burn off their energy, most kids in orphanages are 'really skinny'. Compared to Americans, almost all Russian kids, in orphanages or otherwise, are really skinny. I wouldn't worry too much - unless his orphanage is a very poor one, he's probably doing pretty good.

Hope that helped!
-RussianJen <><

[RussianJen]

Originally Posted by RBSVARCHER

There was one more question I have for you......

What does the orphanage worker(s) do for their specific group of children? Are they responsible for the upkeep of the room such as mopping and general cleaning as well as care and feeding of their children....pottying and such? What are their job duties?

Also, do the children brush their teeth? One great thing about DS is his baby teeth are in great shape. Do you have any ideas?

Susan

Yikes - it's been so crazy around here...I'm sorry for not answering your question until now!!! Please forgive me - and thanks for the reminder, Susan! Amazing how busy things get in this country right before Christmas....

Okay, so onto the answer...

The orphanage workers are broken up into several different categories. First - administration (Director, assistant director, secretary, people in the finance office, etc.) - they do all the paperwork, etc.
Then there are the caretakers. Their main job is to see that the kids are well-taken care of, and that any problems/issues (in regards to health, scholastics, behavior, etc) are reported and taken care of.
In baby homes the caretakers are those who do things like feeding and diaper/clothing changes (depending on if they use diapers...some baby homes do, some don't), supervise playtimes, put the babies down for naps, etc.
When the kids are older the caretaker's main job changes slightly - they are responsible for keeping the kids out of trouble, making sure they've gotten all of their chores/duties done (like homework, made their bed, put their things away, etc.), and overseeing meals, bathtime, bedtime, etc.

Caretakers do not (and wouldn't ever stoop so low as to) clean. Sweeping and mopping floors, cleaning the bathrooms, cleaning the dining rooms, picking up after the kids, etc. - those are all duties of cleaning ladies, known in Russian as 'sanitarka' or 'technichka'.

The cleaning ladies are also usually night-nannies; they have a very low salary, and therefore they'll usually pull a double-shift and stay all night with the kids, to make more. Night-time there's usually only one or possibly two nannies on duty. THey're not quite like caretakers, in that they show up when the kids are already in bed and stay until the caretakers show up in the morning to wake the kids up.

Unfortunately the caretakers will spend most of their time either watching TV or gossiping with the other caretakers over tea. I don't say this only because it's the way many of them are in our orphanage, but because I've visited many orphanages - and I have seen this in nearly all of them. Once the kids are past the 'toddler stage', they're pretty much on their own, until something gets broken or they're too loud - then the caretaker will come, yell at them for a while, send them outside or something, and return to her soap opera.

There are great caretakers out there, though. They are few and far between, but they exist. We have a couple, and it's a joy to see them come in to work!

Anyhoo, hope that helped. Thank you all, for allowing me to be a part of this forum!

RussianJen <><

[RussianJen]

Kids in orphanages are usually *supposed* to brush their teeth. That's about as far as it gets. They have toothbrushes and sometimes toothpaste. It's not that big of a priority, though - when I asked one lady if her grandkids brushed their teeth, she said 'oh, no, those are just their milk(baby)teeth. They fall out anyway, so why bother?'

By the time kids start getting 'adult' teeth, they've never made the habit of brushing and it's hard to get them to...plus people generally aren't that concerned with dental health in Russia. Most adults have lost half their teeth; when I first arrived in Russia and I would have a conversation with someone I couldn't get over the fact that they only had three teeth on top or that every tooth in their mouth was gold-capped...now? Now I don't even notice. My mom was actually pointing people out in pictures, saying 'look at his teeth! What happened to him?' (thinking that he must have broken them or something). I was like 'what about them?'
Honestly, didn't even phase me.

But yes. Russians in Russia don't really worry too much about teeth. Commercials on TV and campaigns by dental health folks are starting to make a difference...but it'll be a while before every kid (not to mention adult!) brushes their teeth on a regular basis.

-RussianJen <><

[nungesser]

Jen:

Soundd like, in general, toothbrushes get about as much use as seatbelts.

[RussianJen]

Exactly, Nungesser. Exactly. We got our kids all freaked out about germs and now they wash their hands several times a day (WITH SOAP!!!!!!) and guess what? No more little cuts that turn into crazy out-of-control infections. Next stop, dental hygiene, eh?

-RussianJen <><

[votemom]

at the orphanage for older kids that my husband and daughter worked at for 3 weeks..... there was only one woman "on duty" all night. a big group of boys would all take off out the windows and go into town to buy cigarettes and have fun. some of the older (teen) girls would also dash... i don't even want to know where they went or what they did.

there were about 150 kids at that orphanage and just about every boy over the age of 10 smoked.

[RussianJen]

Hey - you sure they weren't in our orphanage?
Our kids start smoking as soon as they think they can get away with it...usually when they're about 8 or so. For a while all our windows were nailed shut so the kids couldn't take off whenever they wanted, but then the fire marshal got upset at that, so once again they're all off to who-knows-where (I do, but we won't go there) whenever they want.
It's a heartbreaking situation - I'm just grateful I get to be there for them! By God's grace, we'll see things change...

RussianJen <><