[angelkisses0102]

Thank you. I am not surprised by any of it...just very sad.

My DD's situation was different as she was hospitalized her entire 10 months in Tomsk but...she was a favorite of the nurses and the doctors. Plus, there was definately a better caregiver ratio there as opposed to the orphanage.

DS was probably not a favorite but his orphanage in Toylatti was excellent...and the baby rooms he was in were surprisingly loving, cheery and bright.

Thank you again.

[karenjoe]

Thanks so much RussianJen! Although sad, this really raises awareness for all of us what our kids have been through.

[beckyww]

We think Julia was well cared for in Children's Home #47 in St. Pete - but not (earlier) in Baby Home #9. In fact, the judge and the orphanage director had a long sidebar conversation about Baby Home #9 during court. We think the caregivers in CH 47 did the best they could with what they had.

That validates what AmySue1112 said: Circumstances can change for these kids as they mature and are moved. And that is plenty scary.

Julia was definitely not a favorite among her daily caregivers. We picked that up over there - she had too much spirit, too intelligent, not Nordic, not part of the herd. She's been home seven months and has mentioned a caregiver exactly once, and that was in passing. She is smart, funny, loving - too bad they couldn't see past her (beautiful) complexion being darker than 99% of the rest of St. Pete. She is a joy.

Becky
The Woodworth Family in Beautiful San Antonio TX

[votemom]

i saw it.

the only reason they let us meet yuri is because they couldn't imagine we would want sasha.

and they said it right in front of both boys.

there are no words for that moment.

[Amysue1112]

oh Votemom, that makes me sick to think of it. I am glad Sasha is in a new place-I hope they are better to him there.

[Aleea]

Jen,
You just explained my self-esteem issues. I grew up in Russia and let me tell you, you hit the nail right on the head. Russians believe in negative reinforcement. The teachers at our school routinely had favorites and they also had kids they hated, for lack of a better word. I remember one incident where a boy that no one liked, including the teacher got an A (a 5 on Russian grading scale) on an assignment. The teacher openly refused to give him the 5 because he usually got 3s and 2s (Cs and Ds). She finally gave him a 3+.
It's common for parents to degrade their children and have a favorite child. I have a cousin who had an overbite and her parents called her "rabbit teeth." I have confronted my mom in recent years about why she would always cut me down and she said that if she complemented me it would go to my head, if she cut me down I'd try harder to be better. I guess that's what they believe.

[RussianJen]

Originally Posted by Aleea

Jen,
You just explained my self-esteem issues. I grew up in Russia and let me tell you, you hit the nail right on the head. Russians believe in negative reinforcement. The teachers at our school routinely had favorites and they also had kids they hated, for lack of a better word. I remember one incident where a boy that no one liked, including the teacher got an A (a 5 on Russian grading scale) on an assignment. The teacher openly refused to give him the 5 because he usually got 3s and 2s (Cs and Ds). She finally gave him a 3+.
It's common for parents to degrade their children and have a favorite child. I have a cousin who had an overbite and her parents called her "rabbit teeth." I have confronted my mom in recent years about why she would always cut me down and she said that if she complemented me it would go to my head, if she cut me down I'd try harder to be better. I guess that's what they believe.

Aleea,
Just wanted to say I appreciate your honesty and willingness to share your own experiences. It's tough when people really think that being positive will produce negative results! When I'm living in Russia, I'm constantly being 'encouraged' by being told how wrong I always am. However, some people have slowly started to change - they've even become what I could call encouraging!

There is always hope. Yes, it's a cultural thing - but it's also not the best way. I hope and pray when you set out to do something these days you don't hear all those negative comments in your head from your childhood.

Thanks again for sharing.

-RussianJen <><

[adoptrussiablog1]

I just wanted to thank you for this post. It certainly explains some of my daughter's behavior. You bring a wonderful insight into the daily lives that our children lived. Thank you!

[pdo]

RussianJen--you are right on the money with that one!
I was a bio child who spent her first 11 years in Russia.
Everything-I mean everything was shame-based. Case in point: Back in 1991 my parents enrolled me in a private German school. This was the first private school to ever open in St. Petersburg, with a heavy emphasis on foreign languages. I started in March with NO prior exposure to German. This was the 4th grade, and the rigor of the language program could only be compared to US AP standards. The other kids had studied German since 1st grade, so I had to get a tutor to catch up. My tutor repeatedly told me "What do you mean you don't know? Are you retarded or something?" My English teacher, wich whom I had taken private lessons starting at age 7, used to regularly ridicule my pronunciation: I was supposed to be learning the Queen's English--requiring a British accent. She often compared me to her other students as well. She herself had never been to England, and had only a vague idea of what "proper English" sounded like.
The day after we arrived in the US, I started 6th grade at a private school--my teachers were amazed at my English skills, and everyone thought I was from England!
I finished the school year with straight A's and went on to 4 years at an exclusive college-preparatory school-the best years of my life. I got a BA in German Literature , and will be starting graduate school (MLIS) this spring.

[RBSVARCHER]

Thank you for all your information you have passed along to us.

I too, saw this first hand. The care workers actually said in front of all 6 children being adopted at the time we adopted DS that one particular child was their "favorite"

Of course you could tell, our DS was very under weight while this child was very filled out - so you could tell he got first dibs on food.

Also, when we were walking out the door on gotcha day the orphanage director ran over to the child - crying - gave his adoptive Mother a picture of the child when he first came to the orphanage. She turned around to me and said - we do not have a picture of your child.... well hello, of course I knew that!!

If only I understood Russian - and heard them talk that way to any child - I would have had to say something (but not until I walked out of that orphanage for the last time)

Children are children. Their hearts can be broken in Russia as well as in the United States or all across the world. Hind sight is always the best sight, had I known - I would have learned Russian and would have been ready to deal with them one on one. Haven't those children been through enough without being blasted by a caretaker?

Oh well, DS is home and hopefully since all that happened to him by the age of 2 1/2 - he will forget - or has already forgotten - how he was spoken to. It only makes me reinforce praising him every time he does good.

Thanks again for everything! Wow you have been so helpful to me!

Susan

[RussianJen]

Originally Posted by pdo

RussianJen--you are right on the money with that one!
I was a bio child who spent her first 11 years in Russia.
Everything-I mean everything was shame-based. Case in point: Back in 1991 my parents enrolled me in a private German school. This was the first private school to ever open in St. Petersburg, with a heavy emphasis on foreign languages. I started in March with NO prior exposure to German. This was the 4th grade, and the rigor of the language program could only be compared to US AP standards. The other kids had studied German since 1st grade, so I had to get a tutor to catch up. My tutor repeatedly told me "What do you mean you don't know? Are you retarded or something?" My English teacher, wich whom I had taken private lessons starting at age 7, used to regularly ridicule my pronunciation: I was supposed to be learning the Queen's English--requiring a British accent. She often compared me to her other students as well. She herself had never been to England, and had only a vague idea of what "proper English" sounded like.
The day after we arrived in the US, I started 6th grade at a private school--my teachers were amazed at my English skills, and everyone thought I was from England!
I finished the school year with straight A's and went on to 4 years at an exclusive college-preparatory school-the best years of my life. I got a BA in German Literature , and will be starting graduate school (MLIS) this spring.

You sound like me! Except I was learning Russian, not English.

Our Russian teacher for the first year we were there (we arrived in Russia knowing nothing) was really discouraging - I remember though we'd only been learning Russian for about a month, she said "Jen, you're not even trying - you must either be the laziest person I've ever met - or the dumbest." I had happened to spend three hours on my homework for her, so when I said "well, I must be dumb, then, 'cause I wasn't being lazy", I meant to lighten things up a bit.

She just looked at me over her glasses and said "Yes, you must be."

Talk about encouraging! Everyone would say "you've already been here three months; aren't you even trying to learn how to speak properly?"

It was tough. We became somewhat calloused after a while, though - only the most biting of remarks unsettles me now. I...think that's a good thing. ???

Anyway, thanks for sharing, and molodyets on your academic achievements!

-RussianJen <><

[britfish]

Jen, Could you tell us what it is like for the newborns and infants in the orphanage. How are they cared for (holding, rocking, bottle propping, left in cribs, etc.). We adopted my daughter at 11 mos. and I would love some insight in to her care and environment prior to that. Thanks!

[Aleea]

Jen,
I laughed about what you wrote regarding your Russian teacher. I have an American born friend who took Russian in college and the instructor was actually from Russia. The teacher once asked him "Are you not getting this b/c you're dumb or b/c you're fat?"
When I first started school in the US I said something mean to another boy. I can't remember exactly but it wasn't very nice and he said to me "you hurt my feelings." I looked at him like "yeah, so?"
A bit of a culture shock there.

[proudmommyof 2]

It is an entirely different culture! Even though I knew this the first time I went, I couldn't believe no one would smile at me when we got off of the plane. I was sure they hated me, hated Americans...then you get used to it. We Americans are almost too nice sometimes, and are often insincere I think, but it's sad to hear what happens to kids.

As a teacher, (and a human), I can find something loveable about every child. That being said, there are some that just drive me crazy. They wouldn't know, though, because our culture is such that we wouldn't want to hurt them. However, even the kids that drive me crazy and try my patience go home to a place where they are loved, adored, where they are the universe. The ones who don't have homes like that, well, I try to give them a little extra love and support at school.

I remember when we picked up Dennis-we went to his room and put his new clothes on him. He strutted around and they all clapped and cried and one hugged me, and they all hugged him. When we picked up Tommy, well,...we had to wait downstairs for half an hour so they could feed him (trust me, it's the first thing we did with him at the hotel anyway, my poor skinny 16 lb. 14 month old). Then, a worker brusquely came down and took his clothes. They disappeared upstairs, came down about 15 minutes later, and thrust him at us. That was it. We couldn't get out of there fast enough.

That being said, Jenn, do us all a favor, and pick that least favorite child, and give them lots of love. Find the next Vanya, and help them and make them feel better. Vanya looks to me much like Dennis, so it's sad to realize how many Tommys and Vanyas there are.

Thanks for sharing!

[pdo]

RussianJen-kudos to you for even attempting to learn Russian. It is downright impossible! Anytime a foreigner can manage "spaseeba" or any Russian phrase, it is a sign of tremendous respect. How any teacher, even a hard-boiled Russian disciplinarian, could belittle an hard-working American who pours her heart into Russian orphans, is beyond me. Yeah, I guess I've always been a language-head, LOL. To cure boredom during my middle school summers, my Mom enrolled me in college German and French. In high school I picked up 3 years of Spanish. I still moonlight as Mom's Russian spell-checker.