[proudmommyof 2]

This is hard for me to write, because it’s private and something that bothers me, but I could use some advice.

I won’t go into the sordid details, but I have a very bad relationship with my mother. We haven’t spoken since July 4, although we did see each other at a family party in October, at which point she completely ignored my boys, her only grandchildren. She is a bitter, angry person. She doesn’t much care for children, whether she’ll openly admit it or not. What she will openly admit, however, are that she hates immigrants and that she thinks spec. ed. is a waste of her tax dollars, among other things. I’ve never kept her from seeing my boys, but I’ve stopped initiating contact and going to her house. She’s not even tried to call to talk to Dennis to see how Kindergarten is, to see what the doctors have said about Tommy (in fact, it’s when we realized that Tommy had permanent damage of some sort that she pulled away starting in June).

I realize that I am lucky to have my mother, and that many people don’t have one or miss their mother. I have a lot of guilt along with this, because what kind of a person doesn’t get along with their own mother? She has mental health issues, has alienated all family and friends with her anger and lashing out, so I know that the issues are hers and not mine, but still…. My kids are not missing out by not having her in their life. Dennis is old enough now that it’s more harmful for him to hear the things she says and to have her be mad and not see him for months than it is to know her well. My father is still alive and they are still married. She refuses to get help. She thinks that it’s everyone else’s fault.

Anyway, there’s some background. Here’s the question: She sent an envelope with a $300 dollar check yesterday and said to buy the boys something for Christmas, since she doesn’t know what they like. Had she sent gifts, or even gift cards for them to spend, it wouldn’t be an issue-they’d enjoy them and send a thank you card. But money for us to spend on them-what do I do? They certainly don’t need more toys, esp. not $300. If I put it away for their college funds, she’ll be mad I didn’t buy them gifts (when/if we talk again, I’m sure I’ll have to give her a detailed account of where every penny went). If I send it back, that will make things worse, and we’ll see them on Christmas Eve. The other issue is, if I keep it, well, let’s just say that since she gave us a small amount of money toward Dennis’ adoption, she now tells people she OWNS part of him.

We’ve had conversations alone before, which get us nowhere. I’ve appealed to my dad to talk to her, which doesn’t work. I’ve asked her sister to talk to her. Our relationship, I’m afraid, is beyond repair, and I don’t want my boys to be poisoned by her bitterness toward immigrants, adoption, spec. ed., etc.

What would you do? Would you put the check into their college fund and send a card? Would you send the check back?

[beckyww]

She gave you a gift. She's not you. That may be the best she can do.

Buy a "big" something both boys can enjoy - a gaming station. A trampoline. A stereo. A TV for the playroom for their movies. And when you write notes for the boys to sign to thank her - be sure to send a picture of the boys enjoying the gift.

I'll bet she keeps the picture.

Becky
The Woodworth Family in Beautiful San Antonio TX

[BrandyHagz]

I have no relationship with members of my family and for years they've been sending the "here is a check get something he wants" card.

I do just that.

I get whatever I think he wants/needs - if they want me to get him something specific, they need to say that - otherwise, I do whatever I want and if they expect more than that, they need to send a gift and not a check where *I* have to go shopping for them.

Do whatever makes you comfortable

[Russiamomto3]

Katrina,
I went through a situation similar with my father. We didn't speak for almost 3 years. It took our first adoption to start us talking again, and he does love his grandchildren. So for the last 4 years we have been on speaking terms, but I can not say it is "normal" . I deal with my father for my children and allow him to be part of their lives.
My father, up until the last year really never took a huge interest in my children. He would call and show up every now and then, but that was it...no gifts, no cards, etc.
Now this year he wants to be part of their lives, he lost his only sister to cancer in Jan. 06 and is realizing life is short. I'll allow the gifts, and the extra visits, but he needs to do it on his own.
If I were you I would call your mother and tell her how you feel. Give her and yourself the chance to mend the relationship, if only for the kids sack. Make your points known and don't back down. I made it clear to my father that if he ever let my kids down (which is something he did consistantly when I was a child), treated them differently because they are adopted, used their adoption in any way or form, I would not hesitate to remove them from the situation.
You are both adults, be the bigger one and talk to your mother. It seems she is sending a peace offering in her own twisted way. Tell her you don't need the $ for toys, etc, but explain that you would rather us it for their education, a family trip to a show or something else. If she doesn't agree...give it back.
As for her owning part of your son, I would have a chat with her about that too !!!
Good Luck

[kimber413]

I agree with Becky and Brandy. Buy them something. Get one of those little motorized cars they can both ride in, or one each, and take a photo of them in it to send her. Relationships like this are difficult. I hate to put it this way, but it would make you the "bigger person".

Oh, and I woud definitely shoot her down next time you overhear her "I own part of him, too." comment. That's not acceptable, and you should let her know right there in front of everyone. Something like "We don't own people, mother, that's called slavery. What you did is help us out, and we appreciate it." Then I'd start paying her back as soon as you financially can.

[Annabell]

I'm with Becky, Brandy and Kim. Buy them something extra-special and send a pic of them using it.

I do think it was a peace-offering of sorts.

And the "I own part of him" is outrageous and unacceptable.

(I know it's difficult during the holidays when family gatherings are tension-filled -- one Christmas Eve at my parents house, my mother -- who's legally blind with macular degeneration -- announced at the table that she'd purchased a pistol and kept it loaded in her purse at all times -- said it made her feel great pleasure to know that at any time, if she really wanted to shoot someone who ticked her off, she could -- -- this would be the purse that was sitting open in the kitchen where my not too steady 2-year-old was toddling about! Needless to say, we beat a hasty retreat. DH later kindly explained to her that we could not come over with DD if she didn't agree to put away the gun for the duration of the visit).

Hang in there!

[ddahl]

replied via p.m.

[LilyMoon]

I like what Becky said...."That may be the best she can do."

It does sound like your Mom has a great deal of issues. I understand your wanting to limit contact. That is what I would do...limit contact, keep things light and easy, and spend the check on something your children will enjoy, send a thank you note. Some people have such deep seated issues, that no matter what you do or say, they can't get past them. If you want her in your life at all, I would suggest not delving into areas that cause conflict. If you think it will harm your children to have her around, then see her occasionally without them or keep visits short and sweet.

Happy Holidays!

[lakimnafite]

This actually sounds more like my mom's mom.. My mom struggled with this for years. It wasn't until my grandmother had breast cancer and needed mom's help that they finally made peace. They had a few good years - finally - before my mom died three years ago. I know my grandmother is very, very glad they were able to improve their relationship before my mom died.

My grandmother also hates immigrants - which basically means she hates anyone who doesn't speak English.. It's mostly targeted toward Mexicans. She does not consider my daughter as part of this. Likely your mother does not consider her grandchildren in that same category, either. My grandmother also thinks just about everything is a waste of her tax dollars.. But again, those things never apply to me... even if I were to be part of it.

I would guess her comment about 'owning' the kids is just her twisted way of telling everyone she was proud to be able to help. Yes, it would be MUCH better if she would simply put it that way. I don't know if I would go quite as far as Kimber413 suggested, because that might put her on the defensive. But I would use the part about appreciating her help. She may be looking for recognition, and the comment may stop if she feels she is getting it....

Even though my mom and grandmother didn't get along - I was always allowed to spend time with my grandmother. She is still difficult - but now that my mom is gone, she is my only link to that part of me.

I would use the money as you see fit. I liked the idea of a BIG gift the kids can share - something perhaps you would never think to get them. What is left, put in savings for college. Grandparents always think that is a good idea.

I wish you luck. Although I miss my mom very, very much and would give anything to be able to have a problem with her -- I also very much understand because I saw my mom go through all this with my grandmother.

[SingleMama2B]

Hi Katrina..... Along with everyone else that posted... I agree with Becky, Brandy, etc...... It is the best she can do (for whatever reason of hers). I hope that this eases your stress level alittle....

Blessings....................

[Kendal]

Has your mom always had mental health issues or is this in the past several years? Is there a chance she might have alzheimer's? Either way, I would try to forgive her the best you can. But I would also limit contact with your children. Whether she truly means the words she says or not, they still hurt. I am sorry you are having to go thru this. A couple of years ago we had to end contact with DH's sister. She has some serious mental health issues and it got to a point where we just felt she could not be trusted around the kids. It's was a very hard decision to make. Hopefully you can come to some type of agreement with your mom.

[GCS]

It sounds like a peace offering of sorts. I would do just what she asked - buy them something and send her a thank you card with detail info, pictures of what she "bought" them.
I would also send her something homemade from the kids as a thank you. A card, a few drawings, etc. You can write a note with it. "Tommy and I made this snowman for you. Tommy ate more of the fruitloops than he glued on it, but he had fun." Even though he's probably just sitting on your lap eating the stuff it personalizes him for her.
She most likely does not know how to be with him. That's usually where most people predujices come from, ignorance and insecurity.

(I have to remind myself of that when I am dealing with DH's family)

Good luck.
Christina

[kretzklan]

I'm sorry to hear about the hurt that your mother and that relationship cause you. I have complete empathy, as I walk in your shoes each and every day. Through much therapy I've learned to take what I get from her and accept it for what it was offered as. I would definitely use the money and thank her. I have been thrust into the 'adult' role with my mother for many years. I cannot ever say that I'll forgive, but for my children's sake, I'll take what I can get. I hope that you find peace and understanding that we can not take credit for others very bad decisions.

[tbristow]

I'm sorry that you have to go through this, but yes, unfortunately there are people out there that are just like that. My ex-husband has a lot of those characteristics... I like the idea that was posted about the bigger toy for both kids. Maybe one of those big motorized Jeeps or trucks would be good so Dennis could drive and Tommy could be the passenger would be good. I wish you the best.

[Annabell]

Kendal, thank you for making a very good point. If mom was always like this, that's one thing. But if the behavior is new, people should be on the look-out for possible age-related mental changes, such as Parkinson's, Alzheimer's, and many others (including mini-strokes, hardening of the arteries -- precursor to stroke or heart attack), etc., etc.

Age-related depression also is a growing (or, at least, a more-recognized) issue.

We took in my father-in-law for three years -- he was cruel to my DH, incredibly mean to me, but miraculously, he never said or did a harsh thing to my child. Blessedly, he seemed to cherish her, as much as he could anyone, from the day they first met until he died. As much as I disliked the old man for his treatment of DH and me, I had to, and continue to, honor him for being benign and kind to my child -- the only person I EVER saw him be benign and kind to.

Thanks again, Kendal, for reminding us that, sometimes, "they know not what they do."