[sandy67]

HI everyone.
In early July we adopted a beautiful boy from Moscow. Now the love of my life. Our child is caucasian and Kalmyk mix. He looks very exotic, definitely mixed-race, and has dark skin. I am fair, as is my husband. I have always been 100% OK with the fact he looks nothing like us, no problem at all.
Since he came into my life people have stopped me a lot when we're in public, commenting on the cute little boy. Often they make a comment like, 'you look so different', or 'he must look like his father'. I'm fine with that too. I explain to them he looks nothing like myself or his Father because he was adopted.
This morning I was in line in Starbucks. The store was packed. He's 16 months now and was toddling around and smiling, people were looking at him, waving to him, etc. Anyway, one of the cashiers yells out....(this is verbatim) "He is so cute!" [looks at me] "Are you his Mom?" I answer yes. "Huh. He looks nothing like you. Does he look like his Dad?" Well, I wasn't about to scream out to the whole of Starbucks and say he was adopted. It's no one elses business. So I said, yes, he looks like his Dad. She then says "What ethnicity is his Dad?" thinking because I'm so fair and my son is dark, that he must be mixed-race. I didn't know what to say. Stupidly I said Greek! Doh Why did I say that? It was so stupid, I feel ridiculous even admitting it here on the board! It was just the first thing that came to mind. I was put on the spot so I just lied. I just didn't want the whole of Starbucks to know my private affairs.

Anyway, my question is, what would you all do if in the same situation. I'm not going to announce to every stranger that I adopted, not that I'm in the least ashamed (for want of a better word), but it's no one else's business, it's a personal thing. Like I said, I'm confident and open if people approach me one on one, but announcing it to a whole group of strangers really threw me I'm not sure how to handle that situation if it ever happens again, and I have a feeling it will.

Thanks in advance.

[HappyTwinsMom]

First off, the Starbucks cashier was rude. Why on EARTH would someone ask a a complete stranger a question about someone's ethnicity in a roomful of even more strangers?

I would probably have not answered the question about whether he looked like his daddy, and probably said something like "He IS beautiful, isn't he? Lucky boy!" Of course, I can be pretty snarky at times...so I may even have said something like "Gosh, we don't really know WHO his dad is!"

Good luck to you!

[calikismet]

We have the very same "issue," but it is even more compounded b/c my 2 kiddos look exactly like each other (even tho no bio relation) and nothing like me. They are both blonde as can be, and deep blue eyes. I have dark brown hair, dark brown eyes, and medium complexion (my grandmother was from Central America, so I have some of those genes). People look at my kids and see how very much they look alike.. then look quizically at me, and think (silently or out loud) how they came to be so blonde and fair. I have often told my husband that it seems like life would be a tad easier (in this regard) if my kids were obviously of a different ethnicity -- but they are caucasian, so am I.. just different coloring.

The general consensus of thought is that it is no one's business but yours. Certainly, as your son gets older, the adoption story will be his to tell, not yours, so you cannot answer all those questions with his adoption story.

My responses will vary depending upon the amount of time I have. I respond to the "well, daddy must be the blonde," or "where do they get their beautiful blonde hair?", with a generalized statement -- something along the lines of "thank you very much for the wonderful compliment - I, too, think my children are very beautiful and special." I will also say "well, that's just how they came out -- somewhere in their DNA must have been that blonde/ blue-eyed gene!"

So I try to deflect it to more general statements and gratitude on the compliment. If I feel that a question gets too personal, I defer answering it.. I prob would have done that with the Starbucks girl. Say something like "my family's heritage is ours to celebrate, but thank you for your interest."

I have only been snide once. I was in a grocery store line, and a lady behind me kept pestering me on how she was never quite sure anymore which families were "real" and which were "step" based on the kids. When she asked me if my kids' dad was the blondie, I looked her straight in the eye and said:

"well, if I ever meet him, I'll be sure to find out, won't I?"

[DoreenG]

I'm not sure I would have handled it any differently than you did. I hate being put on the spot like that, rarely am I in a form to where I respond the way I wished I had after 2 hours of reflection.

I will keep an eye on this thread for ideas how to handle questions like that. When we bring our boy home, we'll have 3 5 yr olds. I'm sure I'll get the "are they triplets" things or whatever.

Wishing you patience

[pequele]

I'd probably answer something in the smart-alec nature and say something like "I don't know I picked the kids up at Target this morning!" or I'd ask the person "why are you searching for your father?" or if the person was male ask him if he is concerned over pending paternity tests. I mean there isn't REALLY anything I'd stop at just to shut the person up!

No reason to NOT to want to give every stranger every detail of your life! It is none of their business, so who cares what you tell 'em!

[lakimnafite]

Sometimes I just smile and nod. Perhaps it meant you didn't hear her, or hear her correctly, or just don't want to answer. Immediately break eye contact so she understands the conversation is over. Pick up your son, smile and start talking to him.

[sandy67]

Thanks everyone, your replies have really helped! I guess for now I just need a few good one-liners until I'm more comfortable with this whole situation.

xx

[kimber413]

DH gets this a lot when he goes out alone with DD. He's Chinese, and although she has dark almond shaped eyes, she's obviously not Chinese. When asked "does she look like your wife", he usually just says "yes, she does".

I think the cashier was rude, and you certainly didn't have to answer, but I'd have probably said something like "I'm not really sure what his heritage is. I never asked because it doesn't matter."

[Annabell]

Hey! I would love to put you in touch with a couple down the street from us. Too cool. They're both caucasian but adopted kiddo, who's bi-racial, near birth. They're really neat folks, as is the kiddo. The adoption is open.

But... we're in a very diverse neighborhood, but they might have lots of info for you. (To tell the truth, my kid -- from Russia -- and their kid -- from wherever -- and other kids -- from B-parents -- have always been together for years, playing, etc.etc.etc.)

I will get info from them if you'd like. PM.

And good luck to you! We, in our area, feel so blessed! All the kids are loved!

[sandy67]

Thanks Annabel, yes by all means please send me a PM with the info

[mschweber]

While my daughter has a similar complexion to both of us occasionally we (mostly my wife actually) will get the "she looks nothing like you" comment. I tell her she should just say that she looks like the milkman. I figure that would shut up any further comment. For some reason she has never taken my suggestion

[Vicki H]

Alex kind of looks like dh and most people often comment how he looks like his daddy. However, Alex is blonde with blue eyes, I have dark hair dark eyes, dh has light brown hair with very dark brown eyes.

When people comment on where the hair and eye color come from, I just tell people he looks like my niece, which is true my sister has coloring just like me, bil has black hair, yet my niece is blonde with blue eyes, she looks just like bil, but her coloring is so different.

BIL is adopted also , so we assume the coloring comes from somewhere in his biological family.

[jroc]

Hi There.

I love these threads because I like to take in/memorize the great return quotes! I am sure when I get put on the spot, I'll forget what to say though.

Sometimes people just verbalize their thoughts and then it may be just a way to fill in a pause in conversation too. For example, whenever I see (for the first time) one of our friend's newborn baby, the conversations goes like this " Oh, he/she is so beautiful. Look at those beautiful eyes. I think she/he looks just like mommy/daddy" blah blah bah. OKAY, seriously, newborns don't look like any one parent at that stage. It is just automatic and probably dumb on my part.

Maybe say something like, "Well his DAD is the same ethnicity as me, but his BIRTH father(father<--- for lack of a better word) was obviously some hot, gorgeous Russian model". hehehe

[GCS]

you handled that just right. It actually gets easier the longer you get home. You learn to just tell strangers an abriviated version of the truth.
I get asked if my children's father have the blue eyes at the mall sometimes, I just say "well, they didn't get them from me" and laugh.
If you are asked what nationality his father is, you can always say Russian, or tell them your DH's heritage. This way when he is older he knows how to answer these nosy questions. It doesnt stop - people still ask me about my heritage today and I'm 38. He'll take his cue from you as to how to address it.

Funny, we have become such a global community it is not as if there is just one look to a nation anymore. You would think that people would start to understand this.

Christina

[SingleMama2B]

Hi Sandy67..... I would have to come out with a smart answer too..... It drives me crazy when people say things like this.

My DD looks very much like me (very scarey), but I still get comments. They will say.... she is soooo adorable, how old is she. DD will jump right in and say.... "I'm 10", and the surprised look on their face is priceless. THEN, some have had the GULL to say..... OH.... Was she a PREEMIE???? Me.... NO, she's just petit!!! Oh, your HUSBAND must be short! Are these people NUTS?? I just shake my head and walk away.... O.K., I am 5'10", but come-on people.... how rude.

Since when has EVERYONE come in the SAME packages!!!

I am the tallest female in my family (3 generations), and ALSO the ONLY Blonde for the same 3 generations. O.K. can we say Reccessive Gene(s)!!!