[ddahl]

I am reaching out to anyone who is living with a RAD child. I am beginning to suspect that we may be dealing with this currently.
When we first came home in September 2005, I asked myself repeatedly if I was having a breakdown or if I was just the worst Mommy ever. We dealt with multiple issues of what at the time I would describe as bad behavior. Tantrums, not listening, hitting, biting, and triangulation between Mommy and Daddy. I had begun to feel after 6 months that most if not all of these issues were under control and had predominately gone away. I began to feel a bit better about my choice to use attachment parenting, sequestering our little family into a very narrow world, hip hammock daily and hours upon hours of holding and rocking time.
Now we are home 1 year and 4 months and the bottom is falling out again. My son's behavior is classic RAD. he is dangerously gregarious with strangers, has zero boundaries with people he does not know and would quite simply jump into anyones car seat and drive away never looking back. He is now exhibiting a lot of anger as well. He makes eye contact only if I ask him over and over to "Look at Mommy". He looks then immediately turns or pulls away. He is openly defiant and sadly is very hard to be around. I had considered being a stay at home Mom but truth be told, I do not think I can survive him under the circumstances. I am ashamed of how I feel as well. I can say that when I am off from work that he is a lot better after day 3 or 4 when he has been home consistently with me. I am researching having him evaluated so that we can get him help. Is there hope for him if he does have RAD? I feel like I should have done something better or sooner. This is quite possibly harder than waiting to be a mom. Is it supposed to be tough every day? I do not have a lot of friends with kids. I have nothing to compare it too. On thanksgiving, He put his hand on one of our guests and said "My Mommy?" and I said no I am your Mommy and he tried to pull away to climb on her. Maybe he just hates me. Yes I know I sound pathetic but the dream and the reality are so far from what I imagined. Can anyone help?

[SingleMama2B]

Hi ddahl..... Though I am NOT an expert with RAD, I have had exposure to it, as my sister adopted my neice (2+ weeks after I adopted my DD). She was 8 years old when she came home, and she was HORRID for almost the first year. I do not know how my sister handled it. EVERYTHING was directed at HER, not Daddy, or older sister or older brother, only MOMMY!!! I would watch her "Turn" or "Flip" quicker then an EYE BLINK! She too would get better with Mommy ONLY paying attention to her. My sister did therapy for herself and DD, and it did help alot. Basically, it takes ALOT of time, patience, etc.

I would definately seek an evaluation for DS, and make sure the evaluator has EXperience with RAD in adopted EE children. There is a difference, as I have been told. This woman that help my sister and family, has treated EE children for 10+ years. She did wonders. It is a work in progress, going on 2 years home, my neice still has bouts, but they are less frequent.

Blessings..................

[Ktates]

Hugs to you Dixie! I don't have as much experience with this but I would think all is not lost - I would keep doing (or start again) doing all your attachment parenting things...I'm sure the other Karen will see this and post and have lots of great advice...
Hang in there!!! You are not a bad mom but I can only imagine how frustrating this is to deal with. Keeping you guys in my prayers
Karen

[angelkisses0102]

Dixie~
You keep coming back to this feeling of either AD/RAD. I remember you mentioning that you had a bad feeling about his attachment after your first trip. Trust your gut...get professional help for both of you. As you have seen, he does not get better with time only worse, much worse. That is RAD. And so are the feelings that you are feeling about your parenting. That is the goal of a RAD child...for him to prove to you that he doesn't need you, that you are incompetant.

Go to Home and find a therapist for your family. Join the support groups there...especially littlestripes...this group is for parents of AD/RAD kids under 5.

It is a long road ahead...but please Dixie get him the help he and you so desperately need. It does not get better by itself. He is still young and stands a good chance a healing...but he needs help and so do you. You need to learn how to parent him and help him because traditional parenting does not work. It can get so much better and you will be able to enjoy parenting him...but just like with any other medical issue...you need the help of the professionals. A4everFamily.org - Myths

Reread everything you have on attachment, there is a great reading list here A4everFamily.org - Books for Parents ...go to my links which are posted elsewhere or pm me for them. Read A4everFamily.org - HOME and Attach-China in entirety.

Holding Time may also help...but it will also be the hardest thing you have ever done if you hold through to resolution...but that helped Alex so much.

I wish you all the best in this battle...know you can always come to me for support and understanding.

[Lorraine123]

Dixie,

I did not adopt from EE, my daughter came to us from US foster care. She has RAD, and it doesn't matter where the child came from, RAD is the same. So, I hope you will listen to my advice.

Your post sounds so much like a "classic RAD mom". We RAD moms are pushed to our limits. That is the goal of our children. And they are so good at it. I wish I could give you a hug from one RAD mom to another.

You cannot heal a child with RAD through attachment parenting alone. If the child has mild attachment problems, then strict attachment parenting will work. With RAD, attachment therapy is a must. You cannot be your own therapist. Your job is to be the therapeutic parent and believe me, that is job enough.

Please have your child evaluated by an attachment therapist. I disagree with a previous poster who said the therapist has to be a specialist in EE attachment. Attachment disorder is the same no matter where it happened and it is treated the same.

We spent 3 years with our daughter going to therapists who didn't really help a lot. Just recently we had our daughter formally evaluated and begun intense attachment therapy. We have restructured our home to be a totally therapeutic environment. It is not fun, but its our only chance at her healing. She is in line of sight supervision 24/7 everyday. No tv. No other caregivers. We control all of her actions in an atttempt to teach her to trust us. RAD is all about lack of trust.

My daughter's RAD is pretty severe and she is already 10, so we really don't have much time to work on her healing. Once a child hits puberty, the chances of RAD healing greatly decrease. Your son is young and his chances of healing are great if you work on it intensely.

RAD healing is hard, its the hardest thing I have ever tried to accomplish. But living with an unhealed RAD child is harder. They will not heal on their own, in fact, the behaviors will escalate.

I only say all this because I live a rather hellish RAD mom life. I hate to see someone else join me. Your son can heal. Don't let the opportunity for this healing pass by.

Hugs to you,

Lorraine

[maddensmom]

I tend to agree Dixie. Get to a qualified therapist and do it fast. Out of ignorance I waited just a few months and it took quite a long time to overcome the ramiications of having done so along with the original problem. RAD children can be healed and they can love and they can learn to function well withing their families and society. And though I know it is not the opportunity you thought it would be right now, I would suggest staying home to you if you can. All the work you do and all of the hours you spend helping your child heal will be worth the effort. After over 2 years we are just now seeing signs of real, secure attachment. But the road to get here was really long and difficult. I feel truly blessed that when my child remembers this time he'll remember that his Mom was with him. I hope that makes sense. I wish you the best and hope you can find someone to help you soon.

[his,mine&ours]

Though I have no experience, we did attend a seminar by Dr. Karyn Purvis of Texas Christian University. She, and her studies, are incredible. There might be something you can find out from her website or office.

Here is her website: TCU Institute of Child Development

My prayers are with you and your family.

[Amysue1112]

Oh Dixie, I am soo sorry! I agree that the "dream" vs the "reality" is very different, even with a "healthy" child. Sounds like you got some great advice from people who know more that I do. I do agree with Madden's Mom, I would really look into the possibility of staying home with him. I know it sounds overwhelming, but I am sure he is on your mind all the time anyway...and maybe this would diminish some of your guilt and hopefully improve things. It sounds like a good sign that he gets better the more you are with him...so maybe staying home with him won't be as bad as you anticipate (that is if you can afford it).

Good luck and my prayers are with you and your family!

[emjay]

Dixie, I don't have any concrete advice to offer, except to say go with your gut, continue the attachment parenting and see a qualified attachment therapist. I know this has to be so difficult, and so not what you were planning on. This will not be an easy road, but hang in there. You know you'll find lots of support here.

Lots of prayers coming your way.

[Annabell]

I'm so very sorry you are all going through this. I know you're in pain, and the very saddest part, to me, is that you don't feel like you are a loved (or competent) mommy.

I went through much of the same, although my toddler turned out to have severe sensory integration disorder (that's why she kicked me in the teeth at every diapering, shrieked and screamed when her food was cold or warm, when wind blew on her face, when I brushed her teeth or combed her hair or tried to hold or stroke her).... I also felt like the very worst mommy in the world.

You are NOT the worst mommy! Please, think back on what your child came from. And PLEASE, when it all seems too much, hug yourself and recall that you, YOU, as human and tired and frustrated and ticked-off and sad and worn-out as you can be, are the best darned thing this little one has ever, EVER, experienced.

And then you do the best you can, and forgive yourself and baby, the rest.

[becky26]

Hi Dixie, I would hope we can talk in person on Saturday (can you make it?). I wish you all the best in this long process. Yes, parenting is hard - even with healthy kids. I don't see any attachment problems with Colin. But he is challenging me EVERY day. We are still having daycare problems as well. I understand your feelings. It is so hard to find the true reasons for their behavior. I am constantly asking questions myself. Is this normal (just on the wild side...) or is there an underlying serious problem? As I said, good luck, lots of strength, and hopefully we can meet on Saturday.

[Abdulina]

your feelings as a RAD mom are NORMAL. No one has any idea of what we go thorugh unless they live it. I don't know how old your son is but there is definitely hope. I can't talk long this week. Write me privately over the next day or two and I can tell you more. I have two "RADishes." One was mild and the other beyond severe that no psychiatrists or therapists would take his case! Headed down the road to a sociopath...no lie or exaggeration here. Hurting animals, lying, hording food, no emotion, no empathy, no conscience. A nighmare to live with. My life was He**. I was beside myself. Turn around now to today and a brand new kid. I had to do regression and attachment therapy on him myself. NOT recommended but I literally had exhausted all resources and no one could help me. NOt the county mental health, no psychiatrists or therapists, not health insurance company...no one. I will explain in detail later what I did. Right now, I'm just exhausted. Write me and I can give you links to attachment therapists. Hope there is one in your area WILLING to take your case. They do make a difference. Best wihses.

You are NOT alone. Please join a RAD support group. It helped me immensely to be honest about my situation w/ people.

Take care,

[kretzklan]

Dixie - I can't offer much reality experience, but just know that you are a GOOD parent for exactly the fact that you are trying to find the right help. Parenting is hard, period. And, I know that with RAD - well, I don't know...honestly. I'm so sorry...

[zebramom]

Dixie-

As you can tell by all the posts, I think you're dealing with some big time RAD stuff here.

One of the previous posters mentioned Dr. Purvis and her research. I would suggest looking into both attachment therapy and the biomedical portion. Being that your child is an international adoption, you more than likely are dealing with some kind of "gut issues" in addition to plain old attachment issues.

Not liking your child is part of the "game". I've been doing this for 7.5 years, and some days I can't stand to be in the same room with him.

Contact Attachment Disorder Network, or Nancy Thomas to help you find a QUALIFIED therapist. Seeing someone who knows nothing about adoption or attachment will only make things worse.

[ddahl]

Thanks everyone for the input. I am searching for a qualified therapist to have him evaluated. I am not sure if it is RAD or BAD or SAD baby or some combinatin but it just feels a bit off. I hae visted the ZEBRA site as well so into action I go. Also, I do Like my son. I do not like his behavior. Most of all though I am finding that I do not like myself when I have these feelings about him. I must be a classic RAD mom. I am hopeful though as we have gone months up until now with no issues.
Thank you everyone for the support.