[Annabell]

Hi all --

I just got the sad news today that DD's former Russian tutor, who has remained a dear, dear friend of our family, is being abandoned by her American husband. Their baby is not yet a year old; she is trying to bring her (jobless) mother over, legally or not, from St. Petersburg; she has a maters but (due to baby) has yet to complete her Ph.D.; and we believe the house is in husband's name.

Sadly, our area has few Russian resources. The few available are limited to her because (1) he has resisted for years her learning to drive, and (2) he resists any social life, so that she and babe are virtual prisoners in the house. (They all eat what he purchases and provides; she buys clothing for herself and the baby when and where he permits; if she really needs anything else in the way of food for the baby, she has to walk 1 1/2 miles each way with baby in stroller (straight up-hill 1/2 way) to get it with what little she has squirrelled away).

The husband has always been rather nasty and negative (my DH, a gentle, kindly soul, said at first meeting, "The hair on the back of my head stood up. He's dangerous.")

Do any of you live in or near a place where there is a welcoming and kind Russian community who might embrace this very lovely and intelligent young woman, her baby, and perhaps her mom (whom we met and who is just the sweetest, dearest person, but does not speak English?)

Our home is pretty big, so if we need to, we will take mommy, baby and grandmommy in (although we are already scheduled for a long-term houseguest -- DH's legally blind best friend since high school, don't even ask)....

Given this guy's weirdness and anger and creepiness, we're thinking that they may all be better off somewhere removed from this woman's husband. But there does not seem to be an established Russian community here, which is what they might need.

Does anyone have any suggestions, or know of a possibly welcoming community?

Thanks so much for any ideas.

[LilyMoon]

There is a community in Brooklyn, NY called Brighton Beach that is all Russian. I haven't been there, but I have been told that all the signs are in Russian, the stores are Russian and Russian is spoken there. I have a Russian friend that goes there to eat in Russian restaurants and buy Russian things.

I don't know if this information will help your friend, but I thought I would post it anyway. I hope she finds a safe place. Sounds like her husband was a horrible man.

[nungesser]

The north side of Chicago around Devon Avenue has a good sized Russian speaking community. Same with parts of Brooklyn, New York, like Brighton Beach. If you do some google searches, you should quickly find some websited devoted to Russian expatriates living in the US.

[kimber413]

Hi there. So sad, but it sounds like, even though it's going to be tough, she'll be so much better off without him. Was she a mail-order bride by any chance? It just sounds abusive and strange that he has isolated her so much from all contact with outsiders.

I don't know about anything where you live, but I do know where me moved from near Los Angeles there was a huge Russian community. It's in the San Fernando Valley, and even the ATMs are English/Russian. I can find out more info, if she's willing to migrate that far away.

At any rate, good riddence to the husband. And by the way, it doesn't matter if the house is in his name or not. She is his spouse and they have a child together. I see you are in Georgia, and assuming she's there also, divorce law states "Since Georgia is an "equitable distribution" state, the marital property shall be divided in an equitable fashion. Equitable does not mean equal, but rather what is fair. The court will encourage the parties to reach a settlement on property and debt issues otherwise the court will declare the property award."

Child custody is the same way. And if she can show that she was in any way physically or psychologically abused (and it sounds like that's probably the case), she may be entitled to not only child support, but spousal support. In other words, she needs a really good lawyer.

[Annabell]

Thanks, all of you. I have been nervous since K's teacher married him. I think that she needs to depart to a place that is safe for her and her baby. If grandmom can come over, so that S can work full-time, so be it. I am not an advocate of anything illegal, but they have all been placed in an untenable position.

I will call her tomorrow with your suggestions. (Her husband, and my husband, are both tech gurus, and my DH tells me never again to communicate with her again via computer. Too dangerous. He'll (the creep)be able to pick it all up. (Not you all -- this is just us).

I am going to look up colleges near Kansas City. I know about Brighton Beach and the New York community (ah, the cold cherry soup in the summer); the place on 14th where you could buy, on Saturday, your pieroghies for Sunday).

I don't think that that would be a perfect landing place for this little family.

But I am very clear that you can help.

[Aphi86]

Actually, a very nice little place might be Spokane, WA. It has a large Eastern European community and large active church. In Spokane, the ESL classes are taught by Russian teachers as Russian is the largest language spoken. MANY of the immigrants were brought here by the church. The church is downtown but is rather difficult to get ahold of anyone. When I was looking for a tutor I called Ferris high school and asked for the ESL teacher. She was so nice and friendly and very willing to help.

[Annabell]

Thanks to everyone. If you don't mind, I'm going to print all of this off and drive it over to her when I know that her husband is not there. DH is frightened that he (jerk?) would be able to pick up if I send directly to her via e-mail.

Oh my. Thank you, thank you all. We are ok having them all stay for a while (ok, a good while), but are concerned about the long-term (we have DD, and a Katrina-victim dog, who turned out to be enormous -- 80 lbs and 5 feet -- Dymka Padooshka (Smoky Pillow) (older fat cat) -- 3 weeks ago brought in Sister (amputated tail) and Brother ( has a tooth anomaly, so he looks like he's got -- how can I put -- (NOT pc) -harelip- but he's actually ok.

So. Things are a bit hectic here, as is. But... we'll help S and M and S's mom,

and I'm seriously looking into all of your suggestions...

These sweet people need a safe haven. Thanks to all of you for your advice.

[Annabell]

I was just beside myself this evening, searching for answers to help DD's tutor. I am amazed and thrilled, and just astonished by all of your kindness and solid advice.

I feel that I can give her some very solid advice as to places she can go to, and thrive, with her little family, away from the danger they're in now.

[k8c]

Please let us know how she fares. I'm glad she's well-rid of her CREEPY psychotic hubby. I do hope she's got a good lawyer who can make sure she gets some financial support.

[Annabell]

Thank you! I will let everyone know how this pans out.

[sak9645]

The Washington, DC area has a strong Russian Jewish community. The local Jewish social services agencies do a lot to help the newcomers adjust. The local Jewish day schools and synagogues help, too. I don't know if your tutor is of Jewish heritage or, if so, is interested in pursuing greater involvement with Judaism, but that could be a possibility.

Your tutor is definitely an abused spouse, even if she was never actually beaten or harmed physically. Call social services agencies in your community, which can probably suggest options if she chooses to leave the relationship NOW (possibly a good idea, as many abusers can turn violent) or if she plans to wait until he leaves.

Your tutor will also need legal help to make sure that she gets the financial support to which she is entitled during any divorce action. If she cannot afford a lawyer, and I suspect that she cannot, you can contact the Bar Association in your state to find out about getting low-cost or free legal help.

Sharon

[Annabell]

Update: Told teacher that Georgia child support per month, in 2007, would be $917. She was totally shocked. Scared. She needs to finish her PhD thesis by the end of next year, but cannot do it without her mom's help (child care).

She can't get INS in Atlanta (or whatever the numbnuts are now called) to schedule her test, so that she can become a citizen, and so that she can get her mom over here legally. Mom's coming over soon, but visa expires in February. Husband (as a citizen) might get response from senators to expedite, but he's just a jerk (you'd think, however, that this would be in his best interest -- he "wants to see his kid maybe once a month, for 3 hours or so").

It seems that the creep, who bought a home and has it in his sole ownership, opted for a 15 year mortgage, meaning he's paying $1700 per month. Lots of home equity (completely for his benefit), I should think, while the woman and child go barefoot and hungry.

Hearing and observing all that I have, I'm about ready to give her money for a cracker-jack divorce attorney! (I'm an attorney, but handled 3 uncontesteds with no kids about 18 years ago).

Interestingly, she is also considering a change of scene -- she knew about the New York community and the Seattle community. Was very intrigued when I told her about Kansas City, MO.

Again, many thanks for all of your suggestions!

[Annabell]

Sorry I failed to answer some pivotal questions. No. She was not a mail-order bride. She was at the time a PhD candidate at a local, very prestigious, university. She met her husband at a singles meeting at a local church.

She is very bright, even brilliant, but not (how do I put it???) very savvy in the ways of America?

Again, thank you all for your concern. S and baby are set to come for our belated (friends, some ostracized family, etc.) Thanksgiving. We will get together with them also on Dec. 3 to celebrate M's birthday, belatedly. You're all the best.

S want printouts of your recommendations about safe, happy havens.

Again, thank you all so very much for you kindness!

[kimber413]

Originally Posted by Annabell

It seems that the creep, who bought a home and has it in his sole ownership, opted for a 15 year mortgage, meaning he's paying $1700 per month. Lots of home equity (completely for his benefit), I should think, while the woman and child go barefoot and hungry.

Just because it's solely in his name doesn't mean he gets to stay there. The judge could require he sell it and split the equity, or he could decide she should have it and hubby pays the mortgage for x years until she can get on equal footing. That's where the cracker jack attorney comes in. She really needs one, because hubby really needs to get what he deserves... I'd also try to get that "see the kids once a month for maybe 3 hrs)" in writing or recorded if I were her. Just in case he tries to pursue custody once he gets wind of what he's going to have to shell out per month in child and spousal support.

[Annabell]

Thanks Kim -- both very good ideas. I'm not sure how to go about bugging the house (or phone), but I will look into it. Again, she may really need a legal pittbull. (He demanded joint custody, until SHE explained to him that that would likely mean baby a week with him, then a week with her -- that's when the "3 hours or so a month" comment was made). The NERVE!