[Sandy_in_BC]

Hi, I'm new to this site. In 1995 we adopted Sergei, a 7 year old from Novosibirsk, Russia (Siberia). He was so cute, very charming, etc. We had two girls at home 9 and 4. Through the years, he was diagnosed with Severe Attachment Disorder and FAS. He turned 13 and decided that he would go to the Ministry of Social Services (this is Canada) and we got a social worker who didn't have children of her own, and was basically so nasty, etc. that he told our son that he could do what he wanted (make his own choices). Well, he decided to run away and we continually chased and fought for him to come home. He is now into drugs and living apart from us since that time. He's turning 19 next month and it's been really tugging at me. We have no contact with him. We know where he is but that's it. Am I ever going to heal

[SingleMama2B]

Hi Sandy.... Welcome to the boards. I am sooo sorry for your heartache.... I wish that I had some sage-olde advice for you... I pray that you find peace within your heart and home, and that Sergei finds peace and his way out of this hole.

In comparison, I am new to adoption. I adopted my daughter and home forever on January 25, 2005. We have been home for 21 months. She was 8.3 years old when she came home. 9 months after being home, a Geneticist, Neurologist and her Peditrician diagnosed her with mild FAS, ADHD and Microcephaly. Though she does not have any RAD or Attachment issues, I am always concerned (in the back of my mind and heart) about the teen years, etc.

If you feel that you have done everything that you could, you need to let him (hopefully) find his way back, and trust that God will watch over him.

Blessings.................

[kretzklan]

Sandy - I am sorry for your loss and your son's loss. Healing is an internal struggle. I hope you can look at what happened and have peace with the decisions you had control over and then find peace inside. It will be so hard, I am sure. But, there is still hope that he will find his way home.

[lovestruck]

Hi and welcome!

My heart aches for you! I can not even begin to imagine your heavy heart.

I hope that you will find some support and possible guidance on these boards. It is a wonderful community here.

Thoughts and prayers for you and your family!

[mixtim]

I don't have any words of wisdom or practical advice for you. I have not been in your shoes and cannot imagine the pain you and your DH must be experiencing.

Your son is a man now. He has made choices and must live with the consequences. You did the best you could to raise him, but he is who he is, strengths and weaknesses and all. You cannot and should not continue to beat yourself up about his issues. You did your best. Be there for him should he return to you, but I would not become an enabler or a repeat victim.

At this point, you do what is best for you.

[Annabell]

So very sorry for your loss. Perhaps with time and maturity, he will see what he has lost.

[DaniJ]

I work with a woman who has two grown children from a domestic adoption, both with RAD. Sadly, with all the councellors etc. she has had through the years, not a ONE of them suggested RAD until it came up on this board and I thought to mention it to her.
Her children are over 18 now, living away from her, been through and dropped out of drug-rehab, etc. Similar to your son's story.
There does seem to be a need for a suport group for parnets of undiagnosed/untreated adult RAD children.It is a huge burdon and pain to cary alone.
Perhaps you would start one, and help others and yourself heal together?

I know from talking with her what pains, guilt, shame, and sorrow that she carries with her. Intellectually she knows it is not her fault, but the feelings don't understand logic.
Words can't cover the feelings we have for you, and paltry as it sounds, I am sorry that you , and all parents in your situation, have to suffer.

I would encourage you to consider starting a support group online for others. I think you could be a gift and a blessing that so many suffering parents need.

With love~
Danielle

[suburbanmomgw]

Please know that there are support groups with similar stories... Attachment disorder network has a lot of resourses. As I am sure you have done your homework on what to expect with these diagnosises, it doesn't make living with it any easier. Seek help from those who have walked before you and possibly a counselor who is familiar with RAD and FAS... My son has both, but is only 4yrs old and still in the "cute" faze of the journey. But I see his behaviors every day. It can feel like no one understands, but I am sure you are not alone!

[mikeintexas]

Sandy -

Your story cuts to the quick. I'm so very sorry. I pray that you find peace and that your son does as well.

Mike

[amyfk]

Hi Sandy,

Sending a big (((HUG))) your way.

Amy K, NJ

[tbristow]

Sandy,

I'm sorry to hear of your struggles. The teen years are rough even when everything else is okay. I battled part of your situation with my oldest bio dd who is close to the age of your son.

Will he communicate with you at all or has he pretty much just walked away?

I pray that you find peace and that he manages to straighten his life out.

[Sally26]

Sandy,
I'm so sorry for you and your son.

Try to take comfort in knowing that you have shown your son love, if he had stayed in the orphange he wouldn't have had a chance. Being on the streets here is better than being on the streets there. He still has a chance here. If he decides to get help there are places to get help. He also has the choice to get your support and love. This may not help much, but there is still hope here.

I don't think you can ever heal from what you have been through, but perhaps there is some sort of peace you can obtain.

I pray peace for you and a desire to change for your son,

[ddahl]

I will say this as gently as I can..... We never heal when it involves our children. JMHO How can you when a part of your heart is so far away. While I don't think we heal.... we find a measure of peace. Keeping you in our prayers!