[mycodybear]

Viktor has been home for 7 months. His attachment process with me has gone and continues to go extremely well. However, I’m starting to wonder if he is perhaps struggling a bit when it comes to DH. Viktor prefers for me to hold him almost always. He almost always needs me to put him to bed vs. daddy (although sometimes daddy can do it). When he is hurt he only wants me…when he is upset he only wants me. Recently we had a bunch of out of town family stay with us. During this time he was fine with me and everyone else, but was pushing daddy away (I felt so bad for DH).

He loves to play with daddy and go places with daddy. He’s also fine with Daddy changing him, bathing him, feeding him, etc. But I’ve noticed he doesn’t really like Daddy to hold him or cuddle him that much, at least not when I’m around. But, he will let him rock him at bed time most of the time. Have any of you experienced this or something similar? Any thoughts / advice / recommendations? Thanks in advance!

**ETA** Also, and I don't know why I'm only realizing this now, but I do tend to "rescue" Viktor when he is crying in Daddy's arms. Not so smart I guess, but it honestly never occured to me before.

[Sally26]

Yes, we have experienced this. Dh had to do more for Emily to change things. Feed her, bathe her, change her along with playing. It does get better, but your dh will have to work on it and continue to work on it when he shows signs of pulling away. My dh now doesn't have to do as much care of Emily and can enjoy playing with her, but it has taken two years and me not working the past four months for this to happen.

[LilyMoon]

It is not incommon for a young child to prefer mommy over daddy. Both my bio and adopted children have gone through this stage. The fact that your son is Ok with dad doing many of the caretaking tasks is a good sign. Let dad take over more of those tasks and do fun things with Viktor....and you're right...no more rescuing from daddy's arms.

[justmp]

DS and DH took a lot longer to actually bond then it did for DS and I. In fact, I think it was a good 6 months. I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that I'm with him allll the time. Also, DD is now 4 1/2 years old, home for 3 1/2 years and she 'still' prefers me for the hugs and cuddles and kisses if she's hurt, sad, etc. DS, age 2, is the same way. I think part of that is that fact that I'm much more of a nurturer than DH is, plus I'm with the children all the time.

[tigger44]

We've been home with our daughter for 14 months and are still dealing with this issue. I've posted here for advice and most everyone said "Don't let your child set the rules." I have also found myself rescuing DD from Dh if she is really upset, and I still do if we are in public places (where I'd prefer not to subject everyone to her major displays of protest and distress). DD prefers me for everything, although we've managed to get her through a bath from daddy, and daddy holding her no matter how hard she resists (and no matter how much I want to take her in my arms.) I have to admit that DH has not been very patient and willing to work on it. It's just easier for him to step back and let me deal with things. But, that's his problem. I know it will take us a while longer, and we're going to focus on it here at home.

Also, when she is resisting and pushing DH away I tell her things like "Daddy can give you kisses, daddy can wipe your face, daddy can carry you", so that she isn't getting any sort of triangulating reaction from either one of us (if that makes any sense ).

[Chris3148]

We've been home seven months too and have been struggling with this situation also.

Our oldest DD didn't let Dh do ANYTHING with her until about three months home, then she would allow him to help her/feed her/bathe her IF I was around. It was around the five month mark when I noticed how things weren't improving and I had a serious talk with Dh. I am a SAHM and with the girls every second of the day, I pick my battles and play with them constantly. Dh was having less patience with her and wasn't doing a lot of floor time playing. After we came to that realization and Dh changed those two things, our oldest really started bonding with him more. Just this Sunday she walked over to us, jumped on top of Daddy instead of me, and laid there with him for about 20 minutes! It actually brought tears to my eyes. Now...she still prefers me for boo boos and night time, but she has really started attaching to Dh.

Our youngest had been attaching to us at an equal pace, but lately all she wants is Mommy. Not sure where that is coming from????

Anyway, I think with my oldest it has a lot to do with me being there 24-7. Could it be the same with Viktor?

Good luck to you. And BTW: I just saved my youngest from Dh's arms tonight while in line at Toy's R US!

[Ebadge90]

Maybe I am speaking of something I should not be talking about, but I will anyway. After my first visit, the facilitator in Moscow asked how the baby reacted to me. He was very pleasantly surprised to find out that he would go to me on the first day. He was surprised at this because men are very new to most adopted children. It was told to me that almost all of the caretakers in orphanages in Russia are women. It may take some time for the children to realize that men are OK.
(This is just what I have been told, with absolutley no personal experience on this issue other than the visits)

[dlhall]

As much as possible, and believe me I know it's difficult, but you need to step back and let DH take care of your DS.

We had this problem with my daughter, and we would probably still have a problem since I'm not one to take a step back, but I broke my foot. I believe that it was meant to be because it forced me to step back (literally). I couldn't carry her nor go up the stairs to put her to bed or give her a bath; daddy HAD to do it and she HAD to accept it and that's how they finally bonded.

Now, she still prefers me when she's upset, but I think that's natural; however, she has no problem with dad helping her with anything else.

Good luck.

Liz

[Sally26]

Ebadge-that's a very valid point. My dd was absolutely facinated with my dh when we met her she sniffed him and put her little hands on his face.
I stayed home for a month with dd, but when dh came home he took over and played with her in another room away from me. I then worked a month and then went part time and worked two days a week. The days I stayed home he took over again away from me.
I spent a lot of time telling her what a good daddy she had, how he loved her, how he was funny and silly...
We really have to prep her when he goes out of town, that he doesn't want to be gone, how he'll come back, how he'll call-which he does several times a day that he is gone.
My dh was inconsistent and it took working on it time and again. She would be doing good, so he would slack off on her care and just play with her. She would emotionally pull away or start treating him badly and he would have to work on things all over. I would say that just the past month has she shown improvement. I have had to be away over night twice in the past couple of months and she did fine with me being away.

[mjkkbbr]

I have had the opposite issue. My 8 yo (home in May) prefers Dad over me almost all of the time. It is getting better though. She has also learned that she does not get to monopolize Daddy as she had demanded for the first 3 months. We have 6 children and she would get very mad when DH did not sit next to her at dinner or on the couch. He accomodated for a short while but I put my foot down as it made the other kids feel bad and was not fair.

I am with her 24/7 except school and have to be the organizer, disciplinarian, chore enforcer, scheduler and rule maker. Another issue we have had is that Dad lets her get away with things that I don't let any child do, such as interupt while talking, wearing clothes that look horrible together or are too small, crying when told no, eating snacks right before dinner, etc. He has finally started to treat her like the other kids and not baby as much. This has helped tremendously.

[Russiaknight]

Similar to what someone else posted, our DS (26 mo) had been attaching fairly equally - very strong with me in the beginning couple months, then seemed to be working attachment with DH a month or so after that but then last 2 months has been definitely been preferring mama all the time. Subsequently we have worked on taking turns and have specifically said this to DS - "it's papa's turn to hold you now" or play or read a book, whatever. I've started to notice a slight shift in the past couple weeks and I'm thinking it's due to this and also that DH was home with DS on a recent holiday that I had to work so he took care of him ALL day. He called for mama all day but papa was there for him. As others have said maybe give DH some more opportunities to take care of Viktor for longer periods occassionally.

[TweetyMom04]

Within the last year, our Sons have gone through this. They want me all day, but when DH is home and on the weekends, it is "I want Daddy". They want to know and am concerned where I am, but want nothing to do with me. When DH goes back to work, all is okay. This is especially hard when we travel, as I am the 'pack-mule'. Lugging the suitcases and carrying all, because the boys refuse to take my hand (s), but prefer DH's. Thought we fixed the problem, by DH pulling one suitcase, but then the Boys fought over his 5 fingers on the 'free hand'. If DH & I try to hold hands, they pull our fingers apart. This really bothered me but really nothing I could do. Now, literally overnight, they both will 'share' us, one Son to DH and the other to me. Then they voluntarily switch holding hands. Weird but is smoother now, give it time.